Why do people not like you?

[HPpp]

Just a bit of a curiosity really

Im convinced BIL doesn’t like me, DH is kind of thinking this too. We’re unsure why though

and it just made me wonder what are the reasons people actually dislike someone?

I have a smal friend circle, small family so I don’t really dislike anyone? But a reason to would be if someone hurt someone I love

(I haven’t done this to BIL btw lol)

People I don't like are those with no sense of humour, dull, or too 'crazy' and also those who are obviously fake. I don't really care about your politics unless you are extreme one way or the other. I don't mind if you're blunt (as I can be as well although have reined it in a bit in recent years) I'd much rather someone was straightforward than sly.
Sometimes it is just a personality clash, but I would say I get on with most people and people tend to like me. I have longstanding and more recent friends. I can't really think of anyone who actively dislikes me these days. When I was younger yes (another girl at uni really didn't like me for some reason - we had a couple of mutual friends and she kept them in the end as she probably turned them against me). That's the last person I actively remember not liking me and that was 30 years ago.

I am often disliked or dismissed. Even a couple of my best friends didn't like me at first (I found out after we became friends but at least that was a chance to get some insight).

Various reasons I've heard or been able to guess at.

The big one is that I have inattentive ADHD (diagnosed) and suspected ASD (did not pursue diagnosis but my eldest child has both and the consultant who assessed him remarked that I also show traits. Like many women on the spectrum I'm good at masking but my social radar is ever so slightly off wavelength. Unless I know the person well it takes me a split second longer than "normal" to pick up social cues, understand intonation (i. e. Is this person being serious, telling a joke, being sarcastic, teasing me or using a euphemism?) This also makes me anxious and my responses are even more stilted. This seems to make people feel uncomfortable and want to avoid me.

Have terrible resting bitch face, even my children think I look cross and miserable (though they know I'm not and just tease me).

Am quite well spoken and work in a profession known for being well paid. So apparently I'm posh/stuck up. (Am really not.)

Slim, conventionally "pretty" and fairly glamorous. This seems to annoy some people in a "who does she think she is" sort of way.

I'm quite quiet and shy (see comments above), seen as unfriendly, awkward or just plain boring. I also get underestimated at work as there is often an assumption that quiet people are quiet because they have nothing worth saying.

An ardent feminist. Some people seem to be personally offended that I don't use my married name and work FT because I enjoy my career and consider my financial independence important.

My most challenging relationships have been with MIL, BILs and SIL. PILs were quite wealthy and there was always a suspicion that anyone getting involved as a partner was "only after their money". So much so that my husband was the only one of four siblings who married. I always had the feeling they didn't think I was deferential enough of their wealth and importance and should have been more openly grateful that I had (in their eyes) "married up". Youngest BIL in particular was quietly but obviously furious when my husband told him that in fact I earned quite a lot more than him. You'd think he would feel reassured that I had no need to be "after" the family money but it actually seemed to make him despise me even more.

People are strange!

Most men I meet don't like me because I am, by nature, a bit flirty in my communication / laugh a lot. They misinterpret this as sexual interest and think I'm being a tease when i subsequently reject them.

But that's on them. 🤷‍♀️

My late Sil (DH brothers wife) hated me on sight.
Her hatred got worse when we had a daughter.
Found out that she hated any female.
She had 3 sisters and fell out with them all
then made up rinse and repeat until her death.
Sad part was that only 10 people went to her
funeral. Me and Mil were the only females.

I got a vibe from early on! That he just appeased me? But over time he’s just been more standoffish lol

I'm a bit of a know it all, a Hermione I guess. I've really learned I need to rein it in but can feel the eyes roll when I'm with family and in laws. I research a lot, I like understanding things, if the post service has declined, I like to understand why, then what happens is a family member will raise how rubbish their postman is and I will be like "oh yeah I know, it all started...." I'm just a curious person, and I like helping people, but I can tell a lot of people don't like it. But there we go, I am who I am and I'm not going to change, it works for them when there is something they're struggling with because I'm often the person they come to for advice!

I'm autistic.

I live just round the corner from the school, and frequently Say Something to school parents who have parked their wankpanzers inconsiderately. You must never, ever Say Something to English peoples' faces- I know this rule, I just don't care to follow it.

Consequently, I am a pariah at the school gates. But I don't care, I have my friends, and they like me.

I actually caught someone I know slagging a mutual acquaintance off for being autistic, when she didn't realise I was (better at masking I guess). "She's just a bit....funny, don't you think? A bit...off?"

So there it is, laid bare. Oh well, our people are our people 🤷‍♀️

@crackofdoom see that makes me like you, I wish I had the courage, I just do the head shake as I slowly drive by...

@TakeMyLifeAndLetItBe Because I have depression and I have negative feelings for a lot of things, one thing after the other, and I often feel that nobody likes me.

Outside of people being very loud, obnoxious or strongly opinionated and ramming their ideas down others throats...I think it mostly boils down to jealousy, people are jealous of other people's lives or at least how they perceive them.

Suspected autism here. I've got a bit of shit storyteller syndrome. I am quite an independent person, but I also get very anxious around social situations and my default, overriding thought is that people don't want to hang out with me and I shouldn't bother them. (I never vocalise this!) So I think I come across as aloof, or a bit confusing - I am shy but can fake being bubbly and outgoing but can't do it very consistently. I have had it confirmed in the past that I come across as a know it all, so I've learnt to keep my mouth shut if people get things wrong - i would hate to be wrong and embarass myself by saying things that are wrong, and don't feel any emotion other than gratitude if someone corrects me, so it took someone spelling it out to me that my feeling of hating being wrong is the same feeling people get when they find out they are wrong, which is why they don't like being told differently! (Honestly, life changing info)

There is someone who doesn't like me because she thinks I'm 'out there' - after some research I have established this is because I am a bisexual feminist, and while neither of those things dominate my personality in the slightest (I'm saying this because I have met people where this is the case) the person in question is so far in the opposite direction they find just knowing these things quite discomforting. I'm happy to live with that one, to be honest.

I'm a bit like this too!

I can totally relate to your post, due to a very similar childhood and it's lasting legacy on my m/h. If someone treats me unkindly I'll obsess and ruminate, literally driving myself crazy in trying to work out the " why" and how I can remedy things, rather than sticking it in the fuck it bucket and move on. I'm going to try your suggestions to try and distract my mind. I'm also triggered into a " fawn " response when fearful, where I'll be over the top nice and gushing to people I'm intimidated by, in an effort to get them to like me so then they won't hurt me. It's a brutal way of living life, constantly fearing attack.

Would it be a better question to ask what it is about another person that makes you dislike them ?

I'm not aware that anyone dislikes me - so if they do then I wouldn't know the reason why.

I do know, however, that when I was younger people thought I was a bit standoffish and possibly thought I was better than them - which couldn't have been further from the truth - but I was very shy.

And I do tend to be a bit of a people please as I would worry if people did think badly of me .

Actually this does remind me that there was a mother at DS's primary school that always used to blank me and I have absolutely no idea why.

Can I be annoying here and butt in, just in case people don't dislike me enough?

Assuming you mean the black and yellow social wasps, they are apex predators in the insect world and clear up a great deal of other insects controlling their numbers. They catch them, chop them up in their jaws and fly back to the nest to feed their larvae. I had the good fortune of watching a wasp catch a fly once. It was such a big fly the wasp had to turn itself upside down to fly away, clasping the bits of fly in it's legs so it didn't lose any. I never knew they did that.

Social wasps are amazing creatures that recognise faces of all kinds of species including us. If the fly in a zig zag pattern in front of your face they are mapping it. Any reaction to this may be perceived as you being unfriendly so if they come across you again they can become aggressive. Stay still when they do this and they will perceive you as friendly and leave you alone. We have hornets locally, another social wasp, standing still in front of a hornet mapping your face is an extreme exercise in instinct control, but it's possible.

Social wasps also have boom and bust in their population on alternate years, even numbered years tend to be boom and vice versa.

I was once sent a few images of a blackbird eating a wasp, the birds bash their sting out first, few people have seen that happen in real life some ecologists think it's a myth. I did feel sorry for the wasp though.

I collect brain fluff like this,I'm the worlds most boring woman, another reason for people to dislike me 😆

Same.

It's the fact that there are people out there who don't care about the social lives of wasps that discombobulates me.

@MarkingBad this is fascinating, not boring, I'd love you for a bestie! 😁

To be honest almost no one has done any behavioural research on animals wild or domesticated until recent decades and even then it isn't that much. A lot of what we do know relies on what someone thought thousands of years ago and it's never been tested.

Then again we don't even know much about our own behaviour as animals either.

Aww thanks, I like you too! Can you tell the people who hate me please? 😆

I know a work colleague doesn't like me (maybe others don't) but this one makes it obvious.

She's very abrupt and rude and no good morning even when I greet her. I can be socially awkward around certain people that I don't feel comfortable around and I guess she's picked up on this. Thankfully I don't have to interact with her much but even still it's not great as she seems to have her "flying monkeys" around her.

We can't be everyone's cup of tea.

This particular woman turned out to be a bit of a loose cannon and had run-ins with several other parents about things to do with her children that were ultimately her fault/her responsibility.
She tried to get me involved in one of them but I just grey rocked her.