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Original poster

Why do people not like you?

124 replies

HPpp · 28/10/2024 22:33

Just a bit of a curiosity really

Im convinced BIL doesn’t like me, DH is kind of thinking this too. We’re unsure why though

and it just made me wonder what are the reasons people actually dislike someone?

I have a smal friend circle, small family so I don’t really dislike anyone? But a reason to would be if someone hurt someone I love

(I haven’t done this to BIL btw lol)

OP posts:
Trainier · 29/10/2024 01:15

I've learned relatively recently that people - including my own family, apparently - don't like me because I don't need them enough, I keep everyone at arms length, and I share very little about myself.

You'd think they'd be glad that I'm no trouble 😁

Coolbreezee · 29/10/2024 02:53

Honestly,
People can find me too intense when I let my guard down
At school people thought I was a know-it-all because I was smart.
Now, people that don't know me well can think I am judgey, condescending or a bit awkward because I mask.

starbat · 29/10/2024 03:51

Most people I come across do like me - I'm friendly, kind, respectful. Those who don't tend to be the users who always want something (favour etc) that I won't do/give them. Especially those who won't take no for an answer, I believe that life is too short to bother finding 500 ways to repeatedly politely say no to something and they tend not to like it when they're bluntly told to eff off.

Lwrenn · 29/10/2024 04:28

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/10/2024 23:01

I'm a smartarse and a bit of a dickhead. I'm also prone to going off on tangents and wibbling about completely inconsequential shite that has become incredibly interesting to me, waving my arms around and getting altogether far too animated about something that nobody else particularly cares about. I'm also either incredibly lazy or irritatingly fidgety and annoyingly, relentlessly chirpy, tempered by fluent sarcasm without a need to be cruel to anybody and am frequently fighting the desire to run the fuck away and have nothing to do with people whatsoever.

However, I can rescue people from spiders, moths, wasps, beetles, birds and any other creature that mistakenly wanders into their sight, give them a quick rundown of what the scary creature is and what evolutionary niche they fill to try and encourage people not to hurt them - and I'm really good at teaching random stuff and skills in a way that doesn't make people feel inadequate for not knowing something already by magic. So I have my uses. Oh, and DP and animals think I'm great.

I stick to being a smartarse and dickhead online, mostly. The other stuff takes up too much energy to sustain on the internet on top of in person.

You sound like someone I'd want to be best friends with, not dislike!

Edingril · 29/10/2024 04:55

No idea I have no idea if I am liked or not but I have never felt actively disliked

If people don't like me I don't know about it and don't assume things about people anyway

Powderblue1 · 29/10/2024 05:11

I know some people who dont like me because they think my life is perfect. My DH is handsome, we are very much in love and we have two lovely DC. DH has a high flying job, we have a pretty large home and are financially comfortable. We get to travel and genuinely have a nice life and this rubs some people up the wrong way and they call me lucky. People also presume because of this I'm posh but we both grew up with sod all and are working class. Those that know me of course don't think this way, but I know some people who know of me think this.

Whilst this is all true, this lifestyle comes at a cost. My DH works extremely long hours which impacts our family life, his job is high profile and we have had issues with stalkers and both us have massive ongoing issues with our wider families whom we financially and emotionally support. It's literally one problem after the other and massively impacts my MH in particular.

For context, I don't post anything on social media as I hate show offs but we live in a small village where everyone gossips.

In your situation however I actually don't think this has anything to do with you. Are you able to let go off your care for what BIL thinks of you? How often are you seeing him?

mossylog · 29/10/2024 05:20

My MIL apparently once said "oh everyone likes Mossy". I think I make a good impression in person, but maybe I'm just oblivious to when people don't like me. Online though I know I ruffle more feathers.

User37482 · 29/10/2024 05:30

Those of DH’s family who didn’t like me it was because they thought he could do better (I’m fat and he’s a high earner). Theres a weird mum at school who blanks me, I think it’s because she judges me to have no social value, which is probably true! Otherwise people seem fine with me. I can’t think of anyone I actively dislike (apart from the bastards on DH’s family, most are nice people thankfully). I have social anxiety and end up talking too much and too quickly so I can understand if people find that off putting but I am trying to work on it.

Fuck knows why he doesn’t like you but you have to be a prick to try to make sure someone knows that they are disliked. Wonder if it’s a power thing, some people enjoy making other people feel small. Do you try quite hard? I try and I think people have on occasion been mean because I appear vulnerable because I come across as over eager.

Blankspace35 · 29/10/2024 05:31

Im quiet, and have resting bitch face, i think that people think im stuck up. In reality im just really bad at talking to people especially if i dont know them.

GoldenLegend · 29/10/2024 05:36

I find that with a lot of blokes, if they don’t fancy you and have no reason to need you for anything, then for them you more or less don’t exist.

romdowa · 29/10/2024 05:36

People don't like me for a few reasons, I'm neurodivergant and studys have shown that neurotypical people often don't like those who are nd but can't tell why. The other reason is that I don't really tolerate bullshit and I'd rather not deal with it and I make no apologies for it either

Perfect28 · 29/10/2024 05:39

Abrasive, opinionated, argumentative.

My MiL doesn't much like me, my husband loves me for these qualities though so ?

Poisonwood · 29/10/2024 05:55

Half my village (women) blank me completely, even if I walk past with children which I find incredibly rude. Main reasons are because my ex (MH issues) delighted in spreading nasty gossip about me when we broke up, and they also wrongly believe I think I’m better than them as I am more educated.
I read broadsheets, enjoy a wide vocabulary, iron my children’s school clothes, don’t use social media, take education seriously, don’t give my children phones at primary - all have been used as reasons/excuses to put me down.

I’m actually very kind, would help anyone, generous, interested, non-judgemental, loyal…their loss!

Missionimprobable · 29/10/2024 05:59

@NeverDropYourMooncup
You sound fabulous, wanna be friends? 😀

MoonRiverDancing · 29/10/2024 06:00

HPpp · 28/10/2024 23:05

I need to care less I just have a weird thing where I want to be liked I’m not sure why

Like i said my circles are small so there’s no one I dislike and no one I really have felt like just dislikes me apart from this person? So maybe it’s just because I’m not really used to it

PS not saying I’m perfect!😂 I just mean if people do / have disliked me it’s less obvious than BIL lol

Sounds like two issues here.

He’s not able to be to be polite and kind to his brother’s wife. That’s on him. Lots of possible reasons for this and they all lie with him and outside of your control. My MIL used to be like this with me. Her speciality was little bitchy comments just outside of my DH’s hearing. The advice my DH was given was that you can’t stop her wanting to be a bitch to your wife but you can mitigate impact. She suggested we give her a score out of 10 each time. Worked a treat. We gave one score for effort (ooh she really succeed - that was one scorching comment!) and another for impact (ouch that burned!). After about a year, the day after latest visit, we realised that we hadn’t even discussed her comments on the way home. Totally stopped bothering me. She rarely bothers to do them now.

Second issue was mine. Similar to how you describe. I can’t bare for people to deliberately be mean or dismissive to me. Totally links to childhood trauma and serious mental health illness for me. I’ve learnt that ruminating on it is damaging for me and that after an incident where it happens I do whatever it takes to not think about it as “being in my own head is being behind enemy lines - author in known” (I have that on a fridge magnet at home). I distract my brain every time the thought pops back in. I have a prearrange list of topics ready to go to think about which work for me and if all else fails, doom scrolling on my phone gets be though. I only feel safe if people are lovely to me. An awful legacy from a chaotic and frightening childhood where I learnt pleasing people was the only way to minimise emotional abuse. In some ways I had been easier for me to sort this as my childhood was so extreme. I’m not suggesting you’ve suffered abuse but I do wonder if you did internalise the need to please as a child. I would put a 1000x more effort into people I didn’t like - now I focus on those I like. I do wonder if perhaps it is you who dislike your BIL a little.

i honestly think there is nothing to be gained by thinking about your BIL outside of the brief times you see him. My MIL used to be a constant presence in our marriage and now she’s a mildly irritating woman that I actually feel a little sorry for.

Catsmere · 29/10/2024 06:04

I only know one person who I think doesn't like me. I've no idea why and don't care, because I hardly interact with her and don't value her opinion.

CanelliniBeans · 29/10/2024 06:16

I'm naturally introverted especially in a group. I don't really initiate conversation with people I meet at bus stops or stations or in queues for example. I'd happily chat if they did, but I think people find me stand offish. I would describe myself as shy.

boolut · 29/10/2024 06:21

If anyone dislikes me it's mostly for the following reasons: if I walked into a casting agency I'd be offered villain roles as I don't have a friendly face at all, and I don't help myself as I forget to smile a lot so also forget what people are being forced to look at!
I suspect I am neurodivergent as I tend to confuse people when I'm trying to make conversation or relay an anecdote (Shit Storyteller syndrome). I also find it difficult sometimes to get what others are communicating so perhaps people find that frustrating about me.
I've been married for almost a decade now spend an inordinate amount of time together with my husband so it's as though I've withdrawn into family life and haven't worked in an office environment for 7 years. It's almost as though I've lost my social skills and my social antennas are broken.

Anyway, back to your BIL...

User37482 · 29/10/2024 06:23

MoonRiverDancing · 29/10/2024 06:00

Sounds like two issues here.

He’s not able to be to be polite and kind to his brother’s wife. That’s on him. Lots of possible reasons for this and they all lie with him and outside of your control. My MIL used to be like this with me. Her speciality was little bitchy comments just outside of my DH’s hearing. The advice my DH was given was that you can’t stop her wanting to be a bitch to your wife but you can mitigate impact. She suggested we give her a score out of 10 each time. Worked a treat. We gave one score for effort (ooh she really succeed - that was one scorching comment!) and another for impact (ouch that burned!). After about a year, the day after latest visit, we realised that we hadn’t even discussed her comments on the way home. Totally stopped bothering me. She rarely bothers to do them now.

Second issue was mine. Similar to how you describe. I can’t bare for people to deliberately be mean or dismissive to me. Totally links to childhood trauma and serious mental health illness for me. I’ve learnt that ruminating on it is damaging for me and that after an incident where it happens I do whatever it takes to not think about it as “being in my own head is being behind enemy lines - author in known” (I have that on a fridge magnet at home). I distract my brain every time the thought pops back in. I have a prearrange list of topics ready to go to think about which work for me and if all else fails, doom scrolling on my phone gets be though. I only feel safe if people are lovely to me. An awful legacy from a chaotic and frightening childhood where I learnt pleasing people was the only way to minimise emotional abuse. In some ways I had been easier for me to sort this as my childhood was so extreme. I’m not suggesting you’ve suffered abuse but I do wonder if you did internalise the need to please as a child. I would put a 1000x more effort into people I didn’t like - now I focus on those I like. I do wonder if perhaps it is you who dislike your BIL a little.

i honestly think there is nothing to be gained by thinking about your BIL outside of the brief times you see him. My MIL used to be a constant presence in our marriage and now she’s a mildly irritating woman that I actually feel a little sorry for.

Show quote history

This sounds so familiar (bad childhood, people pleasing, especially people who don’t like me). I use the “fuck off” technique. I see it as my brain trying to protect me from things that hurt me (so it constantly tries to remind me of whatever hurt it is as a warning). Now I think “I know, I don’t need a reminder fuck off”. It does work over time.

dollyop · 29/10/2024 06:23

Trainier · 29/10/2024 01:15

I've learned relatively recently that people - including my own family, apparently - don't like me because I don't need them enough, I keep everyone at arms length, and I share very little about myself.

You'd think they'd be glad that I'm no trouble 😁

I think this is my problem too! My partner and I are low-key, independent, happy and haven't much to complain about. I always thought that was a good thing but I'm not so sure. It clearly rubs one side of the family up badly, they have said, with suspicion in their voices, why is my partner so calm.

Always wondered why the neediest, miserable, most self-absorbed people tend to have others flocking to them.

Withtheday · 29/10/2024 06:29

There’s a woman who no longer speaks with me as I disagreed with her opinion that Hitler wasn’t such a bad man, but cared for the German people.

I’m not even joking.

MoonRiverDancing · 29/10/2024 06:29

User37482 · 29/10/2024 06:23

This sounds so familiar (bad childhood, people pleasing, especially people who don’t like me). I use the “fuck off” technique. I see it as my brain trying to protect me from things that hurt me (so it constantly tries to remind me of whatever hurt it is as a warning). Now I think “I know, I don’t need a reminder fuck off”. It does work over time.

Edited
Show quote history

I love that! My friend always says “put it in the fuck it bucket”.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 29/10/2024 06:36

I'm a social worker at the jobcentre - I think they're called job coaches in the UK.

I don't speak Danish. I absolutely do. Maybe when I first came and was learning they couldn't understand me, but that was nearly 20 years ago.

I'm English, enjoy the royal Danish Ballet and must therefore be a snob.

Also suspect underlying Audhd.

tuvamoodyson · 29/10/2024 06:53

Laura268 · 28/10/2024 23:43

The BIL things seems really quite weird.

I also sort of think he's keeping you at arms length because of liking you a bit too much. Bit like the 'Love Actually' Andrew Lincoln / Keira Knightly thing?

But/Or , you mention a wife? Maybe she's got an issue? Perhaps her and BIL had a blazing argument one evening because she felt he was being overly friendly towards you or something like that? Maybe he didn't feel that way at all about you but now is extra cautious and standoffish with you to appease her?

I think people don't like me because I'm gossip.....and true to nature, I really need to know why this guy doesn't like you now....😂

…or maybe, he can’t quite put his finger on it, but there just something he doesn’t like about you.

Buttermill · 29/10/2024 06:56
  1. my job
  2. I am definitely undiagnosed autism i am socially awkward quite shy and im not great at keeping up communication and hyprfocus on one thing and lose interest in others. I struggle to see the point in maintaining friendships as we are all older now and I dont see them im terrible at the whole small talk how are you thing i just don't see the point who actually says well im awful thanks for asking.
  3. I wouldn't say I am a bad person but I do have really bad anxiety possibly secondary to the likely autism which can make people think I am avoiding them or not looking at them because I feel I am "better" I dont i just over think and I struggle with eye contact and always feel others are judging me when in reality they probably feel the same way.
  4. when in school I was disliked because I was smart through no fault of my own I had a good memory. Again because I wasn't into boys or the latest trends I must have thought I was better than others again not the case I just am quite content in my own little world and I struggle with anything outside that