I just don’t like my personality

[TheBerry]

There are some things I like - I think I’m quite intelligent, fair, and I’d always try to stand up for someone who was being mistreated - but I just really dislike myself in social situations and struggle to fit in with female groups in particular. I’m lucky to have a couple of female friends, but I don’t know how I even managed that tbh.

I think I just come across as kind of naive and yet overly opinionated, socially unaware, and just not very likeable. I long to be chill and cool and come out with thoughtful and measured responses but I can’t do it. I can literally see myself alienating people as I’m doing it but it’s like I have no control over what I’m saying… then a few minutes later I’m like why tf did I say that.

I don’t even know what my personality is. It’s weird because I think I come across well in a work situation or if I’m discussing something factually or debating a topic I have some knowledge of… but in more day-to-day social situations I’m awful. I can sometimes make a good impression the first time I meet someone but as time goes on I can’t keep it up and I can see it slowly dawning on the other person that they don’t actually like me.

Like, last week I went out with the girls from a hobby I do. It’s kind of a niche hobby but doesn’t attract a “type”, so there’s a mix of people there. The women are all genuinely nice, intelligent, well-rounded… and then there’s me.

For example, I was talking to one of them and it was actually going ok and then she mentioned that she didn’t really do anything for her birthday this year and I was like, “oh, I wasn’t going to, but then my friend threw me a big birthday, it was amazing and I was so surprised”, and as I was saying it I realised it came across like I was trying to belittle this other girl’s birthday and that I was boasting. I didn’t mean it that way, I was just trying to say something on the birthday theme, but that’s how it came across and I could tell that’s what she thought too. I do that kind of thing all the time. It’s like I have the awareness to know I’m doing it, but not the ability to actually stop it.

I think also maybe people pick up on the fact I’m trying so hard (albeit unsuccessfully) to temper my behaviour all the time. I don’t think they know exactly that’s what I’m doing, but they just subconsciously sense that I’m trying to hide part of myself or that I’m insecure or something, and it puts their backs up.

I just want to change. How. Is it possible???

You just sound as if you have poor social skills because you are continually thinking about how you’re coming across to the other person, which means you’re not listening or actually focusing on them. This has nothing to do with your ‘personality’. Just train yourself off continually monitoring your impact on the other person. People can sense you’re thinking about yourself.

You sound like me. I'm autistic. No, I'm not diagnosing you.

Don't dislike yourself.

I'm sure you sound fine but if you want my opinion then a good thing to do is to really listen to who you're speaking with and stay with them and their topic for a while.
I'm not the best either but if someone said to me they didn't do anything for their birthday this year I might ask them if they would usually do something for their birthday or make a comment like "I don't usually either" or "Ive noticed that's become more common"
Just stay with them as an invitation to allow them to speak more or change the subject.
They might ask you or you can talk about yourself once you've let them speak for a while.

I am the same. And whenever I try to relate to somebody it feels like either I'm just turning the conversation to myself or boasting. I am actually very interested in other people but it doesn't come across!
Sometimes the more I try to relax into a conversation the worse I get, thinking about what I'm saying, how they're reacting, what I think they're thinking etc...
Is that how you feel?

I've actually started to try and forgive myself, the more I try and fix it the worse it gets. I think some people will take me the wrong way and that's fine. I'm not a bad person. Some people will accept you as you are with grace, and assume the best of you. Over time you find those people and ironically, relax socially and stop being strange!

I have wondered before if I am, but I don’t think I have some of the other traits of autism.

Yes, I’d say I’m pretty similar. I actually find it quite hard to relate to most people - especially women. It just seems that their experiences and their thoughts about things are usually very different from mine.

I’m mad because I actually really like this one girl I was talking to, and of the group she’s someone I’d like to be friends with, but I think I’ve really put her off.

Snap!

I literally have conversations with myself where I tell myself- just be normal. Never works 😝

Autistic / adhd was the first thing that came to mind.

Recently mentioned to my sil how it's amazing how much cheaper my house was than hers given it's so much bigger.😳

Not quite sure what I was trying to achieve

I am also autistic and adhd, and I do this exact thing. It’s hard.

Ahh painfully relatable.

Maybe everyone on this thread should meet up and become friends 🙃

"I literally have conversations with myself where I tell myself - just be normal."

Same!😂

I'm exactly the same. Not sure how we get round it.

I’m the same and suspect I may have autism and/or ADD.

i try and practice active listening now and have to bite my tongue to avoid jumping in with a vaguely related anecdote

I sympathize, I think I have got worse as I get older.

1. make a conscious effort to ask follow up questions. If you give an anecdote about yourself, finish off by bringing it back to them and asking a question about something they said.

2). Try not to try too hard. If you are doing or saying something because you think you should, because it seems socially appropriate to you or because you want people to like you but it feels really awkward, don't do it. Do what comes naturally instead, even if sometimes that's sitting in a corner and not talking to people.

I think I’m definitely trying to hard.

Definitely can’t do what comes naturally either though. That would probably be saying nothing for long stretches, not asking a single question, and then occasionally blurting out a strongly held opinion and steamrollering everyone.

I can emphasize with this

I come across as arrogant and haughty for some reason, but I'm really down to earth!

Or as a dumb blonde(ish)

I smile a lot, ask questions, etc cetc but for some reason women seem to instantly dislike me

op I’m so with you, I’m the exact same and then I analyse it to death afterwards too! When I see people‘fitting in’ but not really saying much I think ‘how can they say so little and still be so liked?’ which is a slightly odd, irrational thought but I can’t help it. When I stand in silence it’s like a timer goes off ‘say something.. quickly!’ I think that’s when we need to breathe and see if the other person speaks first. I think!!

That would probably be saying nothing for long stretches, not asking a single question, and then occasionally blurting out a strongly held opinion and steamrollering everyone.

I hear you. But you are who you are, and you may find there are some people who are fine with that! Some of the people on this thread probably included!

Have you taken the AQ50?

You also sound like me, and I'm autistic, although not diagnosed till my 60s.

I do similar and awaiting an ADHD assessment.
I maybe autistic too.
Weirdly I find men easier to talk to or be around as I don't think they over analyse me.

Others may disagree, but to me, personality is not a fixed thing, ND or not, but a series of traits and habits. ND may make these traits more difficult to change, but what you are describing sound like habits of thinking and behaving, which can be modified. Part of the issue seems to be your belief that you are inherently a certain way - I don’t think anyone is fixed like that though. To unpack all this and learn to act differently, therapy may be beneficial, or even meditation.

You may be ND but either way, it's difficult to really connect sometimes, especial as you get older. You're worried so much about how you're coming across that you aren't engaging.

I talk over people and talk too much. I started just challenging myself to talk less and listen and enquire with people I know. I now actually like doing this and find it more satisfying. I can't deal with them if it's non stop boring stuff but just saying less can sometimes be less stressful.

Sounds like you're overthinking it . Your comment about the surprise party for example was a perfectly natural thing to say. Otherwise you end up pretending you did nothing just to fit in with someone else.

So next time you see her, apologise. Say you’ve been kicking yourself for responding insensitively and you really wish you could have the conversation again- that you don’t usually celebrate, it was a surprising one off.

Tell her you get a bit anxious socially and sometimes miss cues.

For future conversations, stop thinking about how you can join in and concentrate on the other person. Ask how they feel about it, or what they’d prefer to have done, or something along those lines. Basically focus on them, their experience, and learning more about them.

Traditionally, they would then return the favour- show interest in you. It’s becoming vanishingly unusual to meet people who do though, so don’t fret too much.