I just don’t like my personality

[TheBerry]

There are some things I like - I think I’m quite intelligent, fair, and I’d always try to stand up for someone who was being mistreated - but I just really dislike myself in social situations and struggle to fit in with female groups in particular. I’m lucky to have a couple of female friends, but I don’t know how I even managed that tbh.

I think I just come across as kind of naive and yet overly opinionated, socially unaware, and just not very likeable. I long to be chill and cool and come out with thoughtful and measured responses but I can’t do it. I can literally see myself alienating people as I’m doing it but it’s like I have no control over what I’m saying… then a few minutes later I’m like why tf did I say that.

I don’t even know what my personality is. It’s weird because I think I come across well in a work situation or if I’m discussing something factually or debating a topic I have some knowledge of… but in more day-to-day social situations I’m awful. I can sometimes make a good impression the first time I meet someone but as time goes on I can’t keep it up and I can see it slowly dawning on the other person that they don’t actually like me.

Like, last week I went out with the girls from a hobby I do. It’s kind of a niche hobby but doesn’t attract a “type”, so there’s a mix of people there. The women are all genuinely nice, intelligent, well-rounded… and then there’s me.

For example, I was talking to one of them and it was actually going ok and then she mentioned that she didn’t really do anything for her birthday this year and I was like, “oh, I wasn’t going to, but then my friend threw me a big birthday, it was amazing and I was so surprised”, and as I was saying it I realised it came across like I was trying to belittle this other girl’s birthday and that I was boasting. I didn’t mean it that way, I was just trying to say something on the birthday theme, but that’s how it came across and I could tell that’s what she thought too. I do that kind of thing all the time. It’s like I have the awareness to know I’m doing it, but not the ability to actually stop it.

I think also maybe people pick up on the fact I’m trying so hard (albeit unsuccessfully) to temper my behaviour all the time. I don’t think they know exactly that’s what I’m doing, but they just subconsciously sense that I’m trying to hide part of myself or that I’m insecure or something, and it puts their backs up.

I just want to change. How. Is it possible???

There was a study that ND people relate just fine with other ND people, yet it’s ND people who get blamed (by ourselves and others) as being the weird ones because we don’t relate well with NT people.

I read a study about people! It said something like 60% of married people, women and men, have had affairs. I was surprised the figure was so high. Both my husbands had affairs, though ... <witters on some more about unrelated data>

😉

I'm a nightmare IRL though

I often write a post, edit heavily, then delete. Unfortunately my brain/mouth filter isn't as good as my brain/post button filter. <sigh>

Except my example was relevant to the topic so therefore not unrelated. I’m not sure why you’re being so antagonistic 🤔

Yup I was going to say the exact same thing, I am autistic and have ADHD and sounds just like me

Haha again, the same as me. I am a lot better in writing than I am face to face.

I can write really proffesionally when I need to,but if you met me ace to face I struggle to put a proper sentence together, lots of umms, errs and lots of putting my foot in it

Hello, are you me?

(FWIW I was told I had Aspergers traits by a psychiatrist in the mid 00s, not sure if that counts as a diagnosis really but it was the nearest I got as a woman nearly 20 years ago (no proper assessment offered). One of my kids has an official diagnosis and the other is on the waiting list for one. My dad is also autistic)

Op you sound like me! Potentially ND but high functioning. I have just accepted I’m a bit quirky and people seem to like me for it now days. Try not to over think (harder said than done). If you feel like you have been a bit rude i started explaining myself if it was an important relationship (not a random in the pub). For your birthday story it would be adding “sorry that sounded like I was boasting which wasn’t my intention I just over shared”

I didn’t mean it that way, I was just trying to say something on the birthday theme, but that’s how it came across and I could tell that’s what she thought too.

Do you think she really thought that?

Is suppose if you don't know each other well then intention is hard to know.

Only thing to do is apologise I would think.

LOL @ConsistantlyForget33 at least we're good in writing!

This is really solid advice

People tend to remember and like good listeners. You sound like you’re constantly ‘waiting for your turn to speak’ and worrying about what to say. I think that you’ll find if you make an effort to really actively listen to people - to ask questions - and to start with avoid talking about yourself unless they directly ask you - then you can immediately stop worrying about ‘putting your foot in it’

once you have got used to actively listening more - you will know more about people - and have better cues to start conversations that are more even

it doesn’t sound like you have a horrible personality - you sound like a caring overthinker! Being socially anxious can often feed into feeling socially clumsy.

I'm in this club too - AuDHD and constantly telling myself to shut up while a load of excited puppy vibes are coming out of my mouth.
I'm very lucky that most of my friends are also the same, and we have some great, fast paced and tangential conversations that would make many people's head hurt.

Not every comment, no! But a lot of comments, yes.

It flows because I make the choice in a very short period of time 😀

And sometimes I choose to make the 'unkind' comment for a reason (eg tough love) and sometimes I choose to make the unkind comment because 🤣

It always works out

It flows because I make the choice in a very short period of time

Which you can do because you're probably not ND @Bestyearever2024 and aren't having any difficulty taking in and processing what the other person is saying.

For me to ask "is this kind" before every utterance would require a 5min period of total silence after every few sentences spoken by another person, so I could process what was said, think of a reply and decide if it's kind to speak it. There would be no flow.

So instead I regularly commit the conversational sin of interrupting people to speak whatever thought is burning its way through my brain and just hope that it's an appropriate thing to say. The alternative being that I wait politely for them to finish speaking, then meet them with a blank stare as tumbleweeds blow through my overloaded mind which by that point incapable of even saying goodbye and walking away.

Actually, MrsTP, I don't believe you do behave like that. I've been reading you on here for donkey's years

Which is not at all the same as having a spoken conversation with someone @Garlicbest where they have only seconds to formulate their response.

Yup. I can definitely relate. I don't think it's a bad or horrible personality at all. Just someone socially anxious. Maybe a bit ND, but that's not a bad thing.

I am not nd but am paranoid about doing this, probably since I read somewhere how wrong it is to empathise by saying something similar has happened to me. I think mine is also bourne out of terrible people pleasing so if I say something you have done I have done you will like me and also poor listening skills as a result of being very anxious and it being labelled as shy and at work many years ago being very conscious of „contributing“ to meetings and conversations which has the result of you not listening properly as you are just waiting for a gap to add your bit so someone senior sees you are contributing.

if I feel I have dominated a conversation I will feel terrible shame after and resolve to be quiet. I put a post it on my laptop when on teams calls with instructions to myself; don’t talk so much, don’t be passive aggressive etc.

Because she doesn't understand ND and thinks we can all just try harder to not display the core characteristics of it and then all will be fine. She can't comprehend that we're not deliberately being [insert whatever derogatory thing she thinks we're being] when we behave/speak in ways she doesn't like.

I can't comment on whether you are ND but you sound like you are incredibly socially anxious. You also sound self-aware which is admirable and shows a desire for improvement.

I've always been a good communicator and I think a lot of it boils down to being a good listener. Listening is imperative. It sounds like your anxiety to have a fulfilling conversation precipitates the desire to just say something, without really giving it any thought and then regretting what you say. So for example, someone said they didn't celebrate their birthday this year, I'd probably ask them if they normally celebrate or what they usually like to do. Being interested helps you connect with people and it sounds like perhaps you're hearing the words but your mind hears 'birthday' and your brain is telling you 'I must tell them about my birthday, that'll help us connect' but that's not how connection works. Google 'active listening techniques' and there are lots of resources online that could help you with this.

I'd also pay close attention to non verbal communication. What is being communicated can be relayed by between 75-90% non verbal cues so it may be an idea to ask a close friend if there is anything you can improve on. This could be anything from eye contact, facial expression, proximity to the other person etc and is so important.

I think the fact that you want to work on this is really positive @TheBerry but please don't be hard on yourself. This is not your personality, you are merely having communication difficulties and these can be honed and improved.

if I feel I have dominated a conversation I will feel terrible shame

Whoa, that's sad. I totally understand what you're saying about previous experiences - and women do have to navigate a minefield, with some people telling us we're too loud or talk too much, and others telling us to speak up and contribute more. Meeting etiquette's a bit different to social interaction, but there's often some bloke critic trying to screw us over in either case 😬

There's nothing wrong with dominating a conversation! It would be rude to do it 100% of the time - but I'm assuming you don't handcuff them to the radiators before you start talking! Generally, someone will interrupt you if you're going on too long, or they'll just melt away.

Try to forgive yourself, please, @TorroFerney.

For most of the other PPs on this thread: You're all saying you aren't interested in the people you talk to. That's your choice, just don't act surprised when they reciprocate your dismissal.

No, I was mirroring the exact behaviour you've all owned.
A: I read a study about people ..
B: Oh, I read a study about people, too!

If you don't think it was empathetic, you're right. It's fairly telling that you don't like it - or can't see it - when it's reflected back.

Absolutely this. Although you're anxiously considering your impact, it will come across as if you're just planning the next thing you're going to say.

You need to work on really listening and responding to them, not just trying to force conversation or inset yourself as the priority.

How kind you are sad thank you for responding . Grew up in a very shame based house and I’m generally very self critical, but also thankfully a lot more self aware through counselling and a lot of reading. I know people enjoy my company so it’s not feedback from them it’s my feedback to myself.

*For me to ask "is this kind" before every utterance would require a 5min period of total silence after every few sentences spoken by another person, so I could process what was said, think of a reply and decide if it's kind to speak it. There would be no flow.

So instead I regularly commit the conversational sin of interrupting people to speak whatever thought is burning its way through my brain and just hope that it's an appropriate thing to say. The alternative being that I wait politely for them to finish speaking, then meet them with a blank stare as tumbleweeds blow through my overloaded mind which by that point incapable of even saying goodbye and walking away*

I had zero idea .....my suggestion is utterly fucking pants, then 🙄

Apologies, truly, for not understanding any of the above 🥰❤️

If you say something like this do you immediately acknowledge it? Eg immediately say "oh my god, that sounded awful, I really didn't mean that the way it came out" and laugh at yourself?

I think not acknowledging an accidental faux pas is the only bit that comes off awkwardly. Everyone makes slips like this from time to time but it's admitting that it's happened/turning it into a joke that diffuses the situation

That shows how you view ND people, not how ND people actually act. Your example was completely nonsensical. But that’s bigotry for you.

LostittoBostik, I agree. If you can manage it at all, the ability to laugh ruefully at yourself can go a long way towards smoothing things over.