I just don’t like my personality

[TheBerry]

There are some things I like - I think I’m quite intelligent, fair, and I’d always try to stand up for someone who was being mistreated - but I just really dislike myself in social situations and struggle to fit in with female groups in particular. I’m lucky to have a couple of female friends, but I don’t know how I even managed that tbh.

I think I just come across as kind of naive and yet overly opinionated, socially unaware, and just not very likeable. I long to be chill and cool and come out with thoughtful and measured responses but I can’t do it. I can literally see myself alienating people as I’m doing it but it’s like I have no control over what I’m saying… then a few minutes later I’m like why tf did I say that.

I don’t even know what my personality is. It’s weird because I think I come across well in a work situation or if I’m discussing something factually or debating a topic I have some knowledge of… but in more day-to-day social situations I’m awful. I can sometimes make a good impression the first time I meet someone but as time goes on I can’t keep it up and I can see it slowly dawning on the other person that they don’t actually like me.

Like, last week I went out with the girls from a hobby I do. It’s kind of a niche hobby but doesn’t attract a “type”, so there’s a mix of people there. The women are all genuinely nice, intelligent, well-rounded… and then there’s me.

For example, I was talking to one of them and it was actually going ok and then she mentioned that she didn’t really do anything for her birthday this year and I was like, “oh, I wasn’t going to, but then my friend threw me a big birthday, it was amazing and I was so surprised”, and as I was saying it I realised it came across like I was trying to belittle this other girl’s birthday and that I was boasting. I didn’t mean it that way, I was just trying to say something on the birthday theme, but that’s how it came across and I could tell that’s what she thought too. I do that kind of thing all the time. It’s like I have the awareness to know I’m doing it, but not the ability to actually stop it.

I think also maybe people pick up on the fact I’m trying so hard (albeit unsuccessfully) to temper my behaviour all the time. I don’t think they know exactly that’s what I’m doing, but they just subconsciously sense that I’m trying to hide part of myself or that I’m insecure or something, and it puts their backs up.

I just want to change. How. Is it possible???

@LostittoBostik no because I usually realise later and then it would be weird to bring it up

OK. I wouldn't normally pursue this, but you seem to be telling a different story from most of the other ND people I've spoken with about this.

The last time an acquaintance told you she was recently back from holiday and where she went, how did you reply?

I’m the same OP and hate my personality.
I started being quiet and people pleasing but now my friends are people who only talk about themselves, there’s no back and forth at all. I’d like a more reciprocal friendship so we could all share our stories. I hope you find people who accept you and where you can be yourself.

‘Did you have a nice time?’

Did I pass your exam 🤔

This is all reminding me of me -
I recently said to my relative 'do you hate my coffee' when for the third time I noiced she had left half - and
in response to a young person saying she didn't understand why everyone wasn't on the side of Palestine I said 'they're as bad as each other'

I'm such ann introvert i'm still trying to live these coments down 🙁

TorroFerney like you I put stickies on my exercise book at a class I attend with 'SisterMaryLuke - just shut the f*ck up' so I don't monopolise the class! It didn't work this week!

Yeah, this is my life. I'm autistic.

People with autism have 'spiky' profiles, meaning their strengths and weaknesses vary, but they all meet the diagnostic criteria.

I can totally relate to this too.

I'm introverted and almost certain I am autistic and have CPTSD. It's a really great combination!

I do not fare well with groups of women. Best work environments for me have been with male engineering types who are almost highly likely on the spectrum.

I have reverted back to asking questions and actively listening. I'm pretty quiet so just assume the role of interested friend. I only input when people ask questions because I have a tendency to monologue I think. I feel like I am completely misunderstood. I think first impressions of me are that I'm stuck up and aloof.

I'm very wary of putting myself out there because I've been burnt so many times.

@TorroFerney

if I feel I have dominated a conversation I will feel terrible shame after and resolve to be quiet.

Yes me too!

I will also say that I think a good conversation is a balance between listening and contributing.

I feel just as uncomfortable if not more so with a conversation where the person keeps throwing it back to me and asking me questions about myself (especially if they are not really listening to the answers) than with a conversation where the other person talks about themselves the whole time.

I am happiest where the other person listens to what I say, laughs in the right places, maybe asks a couple of follow up questions, then tells a related story or thought about themselves and I can laugh in the right places and ask a couple of follow up questions (and this happens naturally as we are both interested in what the other is saying).

I have a friend who is very lovely but will often ask me a question and then cut me off in the middle of the reply to ask me another totally unrelated question. It's disconcerting.

No you misunderstood me.

I don't care that you mirrored what ND people do when they're trying to be empathetic. I don't care that you actually did it and I wouldn't care if you did it in conversation either.

I don't like that you did it to try to "prove a point" because it was, as the other poster pointed out, antagonistic. You WEREN'T trying to empathize, you were trying to belittle us, get one over on ND people with a "here you have some of it yourself" type mentality. That's nasty and shows you're nasty, that you'd do it.

The only point you proved though is that you can't read/comprehend/listen and take on board what ND people are saying o this thread...which is that our INTENTION is to be empathetic, we don't intend to turn the subject to us for attention. Our underlying thought process is one of "I've experienced something similar, I have some idea how you feel, I'll share that". It IS an attemp to show empathy. That's the bit you so far can't get to grips with. The fact it may look like someone wanting attention or to talk about themselves is neither here nor there, it's not our intention.

It's ok, there's no reason why you should have known. I'm not getting at you either. Just pointing it out to all and sundry who may read this thread, that it's not that simple.

One of the core features of ND is communication problems. You basically can't get a diagnosis without it. If your social relationships aren't impaired by it, you don't meet the diagnostic criteria. So when people say "just practice doing xyz", what they're basically saying (without realising it) is "just practice not being ND". And honestly, if we could all cure ourselves with a bit of practice, we would! 😁. Even if it was just "cured" to the level of adequately masking in public so nobody thinks we're weird. Because as this thread shows, there's a lot of lonely misunderstood people out there, who are desperate for friends but accidentally pissing people off left right and centre.

Actually I was thinking about this thread. I'm not ND AFAIK but used to be quite like this, always wanting to jump into conversations and being quite overbearing. I trained as a counsellor 5 years ago and my counselling training and personal therapy (which I had to have as part of my course) has completely stopped me doing this. I'm just not like it any more. I think the listening training - so learning to really listen and understand what's said and what's not said - helped, and also the personal therapy meant that I was heard by someone for an hour every week. I just don't need to engage with people in the slightly manic way that I did before. So you definitely can stop being like it!

Personaally, I can’t bear people who think good conversation is asking loads of questions. It’s especially awful when people I don’t know well feel entitled to ask personal questions in that head-tilty, I’m so empathetic, ‘how did that make you feel?’ way. I find it claustrophobic and intrusive. I’d much rather chat to people about interesting things outside ourselves, hear anecdotes and opinions, take the piss and have a laugh. Yes, of course I will start a conversation by saying ‘how are you?’ Or ‘what have you been up to?’ But my close friends are confident enough to tell me important stuff they want me to know/are proud of without having to be asked endless questions.

Not sure if that was aimed at me, but listening training does not mean 'asking people loads of questions'.

Our underlying thought process is one of "I've experienced something similar, I have some idea how you feel, I'll share that".

So is ours.

The similar experience informs empathy, it doesn't replace it.

The empathy comes from an extra step: I felt [emotion] when a similar thing happened, so I'll offer that you may have felt a similar emotion.

The fact it may look like someone wanting attention or to talk about themselves is neither here nor there

It's neither here nor there to you: you're saying you don't care whether the person you're talking to feels heard or validated.

You're saying the best you can do is plonk your own story on top of theirs. That's OK, it's a disability.

That's the bit you so far can't get to grips with.

I'm fully to grips with it, thanks. I'm fed up with autistic people saying we (NT people) have to care more about them than about ourselves, then getting angry when we say no, that's not how normal social interaction works.

Your reply's angry that I don't understand your intention - I do understand. I understand the prompted recall of a similar story of my own, because I have that too. I understand that some people are incapable of the extra step to interest in the other person's experience, because they lack theory of mind. It is what it is: people can't do what they aren't built to do.

I understand why this is some people's best effort, and that their probable intention is to relate to what I'm telling them.

I don't accept the responsibility of making everyone like this feel comfortable at my own expense. I even understand that you may feel I should. You're entitled to be cross if I choose not to put your comfort before my social time. That's OK, too.

It's also OK for me to prefer company that exchanges social strokes. It's not OK to tell me I'm wrong for this: socially, I owe you nothing.

OP started this thread to ask what she could do about her tendency to blurt. I'm only here because loads of respondents piled in to tell her she's autistic - she may very well not be, because NT people have the same tendency. I can offer advice on how to recover from it, if she's not in fact autistic or ADHD.

Personally, I don't find it kind to tell people they likely have a disability. They can explore whether they just have an everyday malfunction, which can be mitigated. If it turns out be intractable and it damages their life, then, yes, they likely have a disability. There's no indication so far that OP has.

You sound Autistic, like me.

She was listening to the other person

Who was talking about not doing anything for her birthday

And she replied with her example of not doing anything for her birthday ....and then realised it was the wrong example because it turned out well and someone else did something nice for her

So telling OP to listen isn't exactly helping is it?

And telling op to listen to what isn't said is kind of daft because how do you know what isn't said ?

Maybe slowing down would help - thinking to the end of your sentence before starting ?

Or using questions - "did that bother you ?" "What would you like to do/ sone in the past "

Autistic people can be more empathetic than others , and it can often be intensely felt which sone others find distressing but it doesn't sound like this is the problem

And telling op to listen to what isn't said is kind of daft because how do you know what isn't said ?

Except you did exactly that in your reply 😂

O I didnt tell her to listen

I told her to pause and think through

Thinking isn't listening

That person has a huge chip on their shoulder about ND people, no point trying to have a reasonable discussion with them.

I think you need to just really listen and try not to talk about yourself for a bit. See how that goes. And relax. You sound funny and self aware and perfectly nice.

It is unattractive when people constantly talk about themselves though.