I just don’t like my personality

[TheBerry]

There are some things I like - I think I’m quite intelligent, fair, and I’d always try to stand up for someone who was being mistreated - but I just really dislike myself in social situations and struggle to fit in with female groups in particular. I’m lucky to have a couple of female friends, but I don’t know how I even managed that tbh.

I think I just come across as kind of naive and yet overly opinionated, socially unaware, and just not very likeable. I long to be chill and cool and come out with thoughtful and measured responses but I can’t do it. I can literally see myself alienating people as I’m doing it but it’s like I have no control over what I’m saying… then a few minutes later I’m like why tf did I say that.

I don’t even know what my personality is. It’s weird because I think I come across well in a work situation or if I’m discussing something factually or debating a topic I have some knowledge of… but in more day-to-day social situations I’m awful. I can sometimes make a good impression the first time I meet someone but as time goes on I can’t keep it up and I can see it slowly dawning on the other person that they don’t actually like me.

Like, last week I went out with the girls from a hobby I do. It’s kind of a niche hobby but doesn’t attract a “type”, so there’s a mix of people there. The women are all genuinely nice, intelligent, well-rounded… and then there’s me.

For example, I was talking to one of them and it was actually going ok and then she mentioned that she didn’t really do anything for her birthday this year and I was like, “oh, I wasn’t going to, but then my friend threw me a big birthday, it was amazing and I was so surprised”, and as I was saying it I realised it came across like I was trying to belittle this other girl’s birthday and that I was boasting. I didn’t mean it that way, I was just trying to say something on the birthday theme, but that’s how it came across and I could tell that’s what she thought too. I do that kind of thing all the time. It’s like I have the awareness to know I’m doing it, but not the ability to actually stop it.

I think also maybe people pick up on the fact I’m trying so hard (albeit unsuccessfully) to temper my behaviour all the time. I don’t think they know exactly that’s what I’m doing, but they just subconsciously sense that I’m trying to hide part of myself or that I’m insecure or something, and it puts their backs up.

I just want to change. How. Is it possible???

This is me. I have ADHD and can't shut up. I can hear myself saying stuff (I also repeat myself, I'll say something once and then immediately say it again, just in a different way) and I try to stop but it's like a tic, I literally CANNOT stop myself. I've cultivated a slightly weird, quirky vibe and people are very tolerant! Established friends know what I am like, so cut me a lot of slack, so I think if you work hard to establish a connection with someone and then tell them that you know you have a tendency to talk too much or overshare or whatever, they will know that YOU know and be a lot nicer. It's people who do this without the self awareness that others tend to avoid.

So when you respond to someone, do you not think 'is this a kind thing to say'? Or 'would I like it if someone said this to me'?

If you think 'is this a kind thing to say' and it isn't and you decide to say it anyway.....then that's your choice. To be unkind

If you don't think 'is this a kind thing to say' then you might say something unkind without meaning to because you haven't given yourself a heads up that you need to be kind

It's a thought 🙂

Me too. ADHD.

Do you do this before every comment you make in a conversation? How does it flow?

I just blurt things out, which is an ADHD trait, I know. Do NT people consider every comment? Yikes! I'm weirder than I thought!

Another ND person who is thinking…Oh so you’re ND. Welcome! 🧚🏻‍♀️

Not every comment, no! But a lot of comments, yes.

It flows because I make the choice in a very short period of time 😀

And sometimes I choose to make the 'unkind' comment for a reason (eg tough love) and sometimes I choose to make the unkind comment because 🤣

It always works out 🥰

The ppl who tend to piss me off are those who are obviously trying to imply that they're better than me and it doesn't sound like you were doing that at all - you were just making conversation.

Years ago someone apologised to me for a jokey remark they'd made the evening before. I genuinely hadn't noticed or taken offence.

I have ADHD and I used to a do a lot of this.

I have learned some social skills though.

I didn't realise it wasn't normal to be hyper aware of what I was thinking to say so much.

Did you know that often ND people will relate a story similar to the other person to show empathy and to show that we understood them and can relate?

A lof typical people will think we are trying to one up them as unfortunately some people do that.

A good piece of advice is to wait for natural gaps, give replies a few seconds in case they haven't finished.

Conversely, I don't seem to have too much issues these days unless I get too excited and over talk which makes me cringe so bad.

Luckily, I've got some decent colleagues and friends who are accepting of me. I've explained why I do certain things and I apologise for them if I do them, so since they understand me, things are easier if that makes sense.

The only person I know who does this is autistic and incredibly socially anxious. Over analyses every single comment and hardly leaves the house for fear of saying something wrong.

To answer @MrsTerryPratchett

It depends what kind of a situation I am in.

If I'm comfortable, that's when I would potentially blurt more things out.

If I'm uncomfortable, I go into masking mode and I will be careful a lot more. Like a hypervigilance if you like?

That's why I prefer friendships where I immediately click with them. I can let my guard down a bit easier and be more congruent.

It's hard being weird. 😁😁😁😁

I have ADHD and generalised anxiety disorder. I get socially anxious too.

If I often wonder if it's my anxiety making me like this or my neurodivergence? Or both? I'm unsure but we mask a lot to fit in.

Sounds like maybe there are more ADHDers on one end of the blurting spectrum and more people with ASD at the worrying before you say anything end. And the NT peeps in the middle?

I know my ADHD brain does the worrying, just saves it for 3am the day after and every day after until the sun burns out.

I'm going to be honest
You sound extremely extremely intelligent and this has nothing to do with poor social skills.
You must understand your brain

So basically
You find certain topics interesting and that's when your brain lights up. Mainly things that are challenging or topics that you find interesting to you.
Now small talk is probably the biggest hate you have. You can't stand it. Because you find it pointless and your brain doesn't care. As a result, you have to think of what to say and what is right.

Let me give you an example
Imagine talking to someone who has same interests as you, you probably will never run out of things to say. For example, let's say your major is biochemistry and that's where you excel. You could talk to another person about the topic for hours.
But come to talking about what you did on the weekend holds no relevance.

You have a gift. Not a curse.
Learn how to make your "weirdness" work in your favour. Try hanging out with the top 1% and not people who aren't like you.

And also
Look into neuro divergent.

I think it's perfectly fine, if you realise at the time that something unfortunate has flipped out unbidden, to own what you have just said and apologise rather than just be silent and feel embarrassed inwardly. If you've got the presence of mind you can go on to say something like - so I did something this year for my birthday but normally I don't do much.

If you panic and can't think of something on the spur of the moment, it's never too late to say you were kicking yourself about your crazy comment and would she, your friend, like to go for a belated birthday trip to a cafe to make up for it. People are very accepting of the odd strange remark if it's acknowledged and, if necessary, apologised for. No need to be self-conscious as that can be a bit off-putting too but self-effacing is the way to go and a sense that you are thinking of the other person over your own discomfiture.

I hear you.
I’ve always just thought I’m socially awkward, which has developed into social anxiety as I’ve hit peri menopause.
I always overthink social interactions and I know I can talk over people, which I hate doing, it feels like the anxiety pushes words out of me so quickly.
I actually find it crazy I found a husband and have friends, as I don’t think I’d want to spend much time with me.

May I ask if you don't mind, something personal?

What does your masking look like?

I don't do it as much now. But do you find it weird that I both blurt out and have hypervigilance about what I say?

Sorry just musing.

No problem @Lavenderblossoms

The masking with me is only thinking "I'M TALKING TOO MUCH" and shutting up (with a great deal of effort). I can't seem to stop myself with the content. Then I worry later.

Professionally I'm great, because I'm an expert in what I talk about so it's mostly apropos. But personally? Urg.

Try to ask more questions so people are talking more than you are.

Listen to people. Make your responses about what they have said, not about your experiences.

Don’t feel you need to tell your “story”.

Try hard not to talk over people or interrupt them.

I've seen dozens upon dozens of posts by autistic or otherwise ND people, saying "When somebody tells me something about themselves, I empathise by telling them something vaguely related about myself. I'm not trying to make it all about me!"

Yes. Yes, they are making it all about themselves. That isn't empathy, it's information exchange. If I tell you I nearly got run over on the way here, I'd like you to ask how it happened and am I okay - you know, show at least some interest in me. You launching into a story about that time you nearly fell off your bike does exactly nothing to further mutual understanding. We both had a lucky escape once, but they were completely different and so what?

This 'but what about me?' style of so-called conversation is extremely common: it can't possibly be limited to people with NDs. Just self-obsessed people 😏 It's okay if you're in a group that all behave this way: you can spend a merry few hours together, swapping stories about yourselves. But most people who are interested in getting to know you a bit better will ask YOU stuff, and expect you to ask THEM. Try to drum up a bit of interest in them! Most people are actually interesting; even the most tedious can be of interest for one day.

I absolutely agree that this is not set in stone, ND or NT. It's a behaviour, and anyone can adjust a behaviour.

Same here. Groups of women don’t like me. Lots of normal women don’t like me. But I have some good friends I see one on one who I’m slowly finding out are mostly neurodiverse 😂. I also have this wierd phenomenon where sometimes a person will just adopt me and not take no for answer and make loads of effort to be my friend. I’ve just accepted it now.

@Garlicbest feel free to avoid us. It's not very empathetic to tell us we're all self-centred because of ND behaviour either!

I have a good friend like this and she is autistic.

Not trying to diagnose you or anything like that, but one of the traits of ADHD is to continually analyse each conversation you have with anyone and also a way of trying to show the other person that you understand what they are telling you or that you have empathy with the situation is to say something similar that happened to you, but others might perceive that as trying to up their story or dismiss what they are saying. Another trait is rejection sensitivity dysphoria whereby you are worried about people disliking you or perceiving things that others do as them disliking you or something you have said. Just something to have a look at. It if you are generally a kind person to others then I would try not to worry as much as you are.

Actually, MrsTP, I don't believe you do behave like that. I've been reading you on here for donkey's years - you can be very empathetic, and you certainly don't respond to everyone's experience with your own story.