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Original poster

I just don’t like my personality

105 replies

TheBerry · 27/10/2024 09:10

There are some things I like - I think I’m quite intelligent, fair, and I’d always try to stand up for someone who was being mistreated - but I just really dislike myself in social situations and struggle to fit in with female groups in particular. I’m lucky to have a couple of female friends, but I don’t know how I even managed that tbh.

I think I just come across as kind of naive and yet overly opinionated, socially unaware, and just not very likeable. I long to be chill and cool and come out with thoughtful and measured responses but I can’t do it. I can literally see myself alienating people as I’m doing it but it’s like I have no control over what I’m saying… then a few minutes later I’m like why tf did I say that.

I don’t even know what my personality is. It’s weird because I think I come across well in a work situation or if I’m discussing something factually or debating a topic I have some knowledge of… but in more day-to-day social situations I’m awful. I can sometimes make a good impression the first time I meet someone but as time goes on I can’t keep it up and I can see it slowly dawning on the other person that they don’t actually like me.

Like, last week I went out with the girls from a hobby I do. It’s kind of a niche hobby but doesn’t attract a “type”, so there’s a mix of people there. The women are all genuinely nice, intelligent, well-rounded… and then there’s me.

For example, I was talking to one of them and it was actually going ok and then she mentioned that she didn’t really do anything for her birthday this year and I was like, “oh, I wasn’t going to, but then my friend threw me a big birthday, it was amazing and I was so surprised”, and as I was saying it I realised it came across like I was trying to belittle this other girl’s birthday and that I was boasting. I didn’t mean it that way, I was just trying to say something on the birthday theme, but that’s how it came across and I could tell that’s what she thought too. I do that kind of thing all the time. It’s like I have the awareness to know I’m doing it, but not the ability to actually stop it.

I think also maybe people pick up on the fact I’m trying so hard (albeit unsuccessfully) to temper my behaviour all the time. I don’t think they know exactly that’s what I’m doing, but they just subconsciously sense that I’m trying to hide part of myself or that I’m insecure or something, and it puts their backs up.

I just want to change. How. Is it possible???

OP posts:
Jessie1259 · 28/10/2024 15:34

Garlicbest · 28/10/2024 13:39

Our underlying thought process is one of "I've experienced something similar, I have some idea how you feel, I'll share that".

So is ours.

The similar experience informs empathy, it doesn't replace it.

The empathy comes from an extra step: I felt [emotion] when a similar thing happened, so I'll offer that you may have felt a similar emotion.

The fact it may look like someone wanting attention or to talk about themselves is neither here nor there

It's neither here nor there to you: you're saying you don't care whether the person you're talking to feels heard or validated.

You're saying the best you can do is plonk your own story on top of theirs. That's OK, it's a disability.

That's the bit you so far can't get to grips with.

I'm fully to grips with it, thanks. I'm fed up with autistic people saying we (NT people) have to care more about them than about ourselves, then getting angry when we say no, that's not how normal social interaction works.

Your reply's angry that I don't understand your intention - I do understand. I understand the prompted recall of a similar story of my own, because I have that too. I understand that some people are incapable of the extra step to interest in the other person's experience, because they lack theory of mind. It is what it is: people can't do what they aren't built to do.

I understand why this is some people's best effort, and that their probable intention is to relate to what I'm telling them.

I don't accept the responsibility of making everyone like this feel comfortable at my own expense. I even understand that you may feel I should. You're entitled to be cross if I choose not to put your comfort before my social time. That's OK, too.

It's also OK for me to prefer company that exchanges social strokes. It's not OK to tell me I'm wrong for this: socially, I owe you nothing.

OP started this thread to ask what she could do about her tendency to blurt. I'm only here because loads of respondents piled in to tell her she's autistic - she may very well not be, because NT people have the same tendency. I can offer advice on how to recover from it, if she's not in fact autistic or ADHD.

Personally, I don't find it kind to tell people they likely have a disability. They can explore whether they just have an everyday malfunction, which can be mitigated. If it turns out be intractable and it damages their life, then, yes, they likely have a disability. There's no indication so far that OP has.

Show quote history

You're not a very nice person are you. But you're normal so it's all good.

Garlicbest · 28/10/2024 16:26

midgetastic · 28/10/2024 14:53

O I didnt tell her to listen

I told her to pause and think through

Thinking isn't listening

I meant your reply shows you listened to what wasn't said. You suggested "did that bother you ?" "What would you like to do/ done in the past " which are perfectly good questions - they suppose the person has some unsaid views on her lack of a birthday celebration, and invite her to say more if she wants.

AncientAndModern1 · 28/10/2024 19:08

Thommasina · 28/10/2024 07:21

Not sure if that was aimed at me, but listening training does not mean 'asking people loads of questions'.

Why’s on earth did you think I was referring to you?

Garlicbest · 28/10/2024 20:50

Jessie1259 · 28/10/2024 15:34

You're not a very nice person are you. But you're normal so it's all good.

Show quote history

Illuminating perspective. I've said:

  1. Autism is a social disability
  2. Disabilities can't be helped, they just are what they are
  3. People can choose not to make social sacrifices to support others
  4. There's no evidence OP has a disability.

What about this is "not nice"?

I'll also ask:
5) Is it very important to be nice, do you think?
6) I'm not autistic; does that automatically mean I'm normal?

OrdinaryGURL · 18/05/2025 02:46

I was diagnosed with ADHD nearly 2 years ago but as an adult that will 30 by the end of this year I am struggling socially and trying to figure myself out. Everything you said I 100% relate to. Where did you get this information from? I am becoming more self aware and I want to learn how to navigate social spaces for my professional career and wellbeing.

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