Daughter had friend round - how would you handle this situation?

[Toastedpickle]

DD had a friend round after school, both 11. She is a good friend of a couple of years and we have had her round a few times before. The friend spent 90% of the time round here on her phone, messaging people from what I gather. To the point she was even ignoring DD and myself when we spoke to her, she was on it even during them eating dinner and constantly just sat on it until eventually DD gave up with it all and came to play games and chat with me and youngest DD while friend was upstairs in the bedroom on her phone. I took her home and again on her phone the whole way in the car while we chatted around her. She then didn’t even realise when I had pulled up at her house and stopped the car.
I wanted to say something when DD came down but she asked me not to. She looked so upset. And I can’t help thinking what a shit thing phones are for childhood. It’s made me really sad actually - she was like a zombie. Should I have told her to come off it? Should I mention to the mum (don’t know her that well)? She has had the phone for nearly a year so not like it because it is new and exciting.

You certainly shouldn't have allowed it at the table! Why on earth didn't you ask her to put it down? Honestly I would have said something.

Don't have her again. I wouldn't bother telling the mum but just don't invite. Kids go in and out of friendship groups.
I might have asked if all was well at home as she was on phone alot but it is an awful age.

I would have said, "X put your phone down now it's time for dinner/to come and play this game/do whatever with DD".

It is sad though. I'd encourage other friendships.

You can still have your own rules OP. Tell her to get off the phone at the table, I also asked my daughter's friends to get off their phones during a sleepover. You don't need to check if everything's ok at home, you just need to show that this isn't the behaviour that you expect in your own home! You can say all this even if your daughter isn't happy as you are a parent.

My 10 year old has a friend like this. We took her with us to a restaurant recently and she just sat on her phone while we were waiting for food. When the food came I just said ‘phones down now while we’re eating please’ (which she did, reluctantly).
We won’t be inviting her out again, or round to our house.

Ugh phones can be so bad for kids that age. I think your daughter should step away from the friendship, tbh. I think I would speak to the girl's mum, but if it would cause problems for your daughter I would just leave it and encourage other friendships. I'm really glad your daughter had the courage to leave her to it.

My dd has a friend like this. Had her over maybe once a month for a year then she got a boyfriend and spent all the time at ours on the phone to him, messaging and facetime. Completely ignoring DD and other friend.

Very rude, I could see the others were upset at being ignored. Dd never asked to have her round again, from what I've heard she's turned into an unpleasant character at school too.

I do think it would have been ok for you to set expectations, but I can't be bothered parenting someone else's child and dd would be embarrassed. Hopefully they'll not be asked round again.

Sounds like they've fallen out or the 'friend' no longer wants to be a friend and was refusing to interact with your DD.

It’s hard when it’s somebody else’s kid.

I have a rule now after similar issues where phones are left in the lounge with me. They’re available if they need to contact parents but that’s it. The kids now just know it.

No, it sounds like an 11yo with unmonitored screen time

My DD is 16. On her best, best friend's 15th birthday, friend's mum paid for just the two of them to go for a nice meal. The friend spent the whole of it texting back and forth with some boy, ignored DD pretty much when they were supposed to be having a special, nice time. DD was too surprised and hurt to say anything even though they've been best friends since they were 8. DD came back so upset and disappointed. They are still best friends but it was a sad moment. I know the friend and she's lovely, it was just that she was in the middle of boy drama and couldn't snap out of it, even though it was her birthday meal.

It could be the same with this friend and may not always be a feature. On the other hand, it may be. I would give her another chance and if it's going the same way you can say, "In our house, we don't have phones out when we have visitors, we don't have phones out at the table" etc etc.

They are awful addictive things, phones, especially for young developing brains. If the girl comes round again, I'd say "it's the rule in this house we don't look at our phones when we are socialising, give it to me to put somewhere safe. If you need it to call your parents, let me know and I'll get it.l

Sounds like they've fallen out or the 'friend' no longer wants to be a friend and was refusing to interact with your DD.

If she didn't want to interact with dd, she shouldn't have agreed to come to spend time with dd at dd's home. At eleven they're arranging their own social lives, they don't go to play dates arranged by mum. They don't have to accept invitations they don't want to accept.

(But I think it's still young enough to be told 'no phones at the table.")

Zombie is a good description OP.

It's horrendous that smartphones are ruining children.

its way this whole organisation is about - getting our children’s childhoods back
https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk
regarding what you could do again in a situation like that, have some ground rules in place for children who bring phones. They can have them if they want to call parents but let them/parents know in advance you don’t let kids in your house unfettered access to devices. They can either stay away or abide by the rules. I feel really sorry for the poor child with the phone

I think that you should have asked her to put it away, especially during dinner. She was probably taking advantage of the fact her parents didn’t know she was on it

It’s not just a question of your DD being hurt, but this child could have had all kinds of inappropriate, unfiltered content on her phone and you don’t have to let your DD be exposed to that. I let parents/childen know that internet connected devices aren’t to be used in my house

Your house, your rules, so not allowing your DDs friends to be on the phone during meal times is acceptable.

She is no friend to your DD, who has had to find this out the hard way as the girls' behaviour was rude, unkind and ignorant

Just don't allow her back in your house until she learns how to interact with human beings......this is not too much to expect from an 11 year old.

DD is 10 and has a couple of friends with a phone problem like this.

When they're in my house there are no phones up in bedrooms or while we're eating, they leave their phone on the desk in the living room where they can plug it in if it needs charging.

So far they've all returned for multiple visits knowing that that's the rule and not kicked up a fuss about it, so I'm sticking with it for now.

It's not the girl's fault: smartphones and some of the apps on them are built to do this to people. Children are incapable of fighting against them (heck, most adults are). 100% her parents' fault.

I just wouldn't have her over again unless and until she has her phone taken off her. I'd be using this as an example of why my own child can't have a phone AT 11YO (ffs). And I probably would mention it in passing to the mother if she raises the playdate. It might help the young girl.

I would have asked her to put it down at the table, we don't allow screens at the table (even tv) so she'd have to follow our rules.
The rest of the time I don't think you could have done much really, it is sad though!

It’s an awful age, friendships change so much too so maybe your daughter will have different friends soon. I wouldn’t have said anything either , just don’t have her round again.

Mobile phones with chatting apps are illegal for kids under 13 , or at least the apps

Definitely no phones at the table. If I spot excessive phone use, when kids are over, I intervene

I'd have called her parents to come and collect her after about 30 mins to be honest. What is the point of her being there?