Daughter had friend round - how would you handle this situation?

[Toastedpickle]

DD had a friend round after school, both 11. She is a good friend of a couple of years and we have had her round a few times before. The friend spent 90% of the time round here on her phone, messaging people from what I gather. To the point she was even ignoring DD and myself when we spoke to her, she was on it even during them eating dinner and constantly just sat on it until eventually DD gave up with it all and came to play games and chat with me and youngest DD while friend was upstairs in the bedroom on her phone. I took her home and again on her phone the whole way in the car while we chatted around her. She then didn’t even realise when I had pulled up at her house and stopped the car.
I wanted to say something when DD came down but she asked me not to. She looked so upset. And I can’t help thinking what a shit thing phones are for childhood. It’s made me really sad actually - she was like a zombie. Should I have told her to come off it? Should I mention to the mum (don’t know her that well)? She has had the phone for nearly a year so not like it because it is new and exciting.

That's really sad and rude. I don't understand the point of coming.

Honestly, I think I'd probably try and involve the DC at dinner and then say do you want to put the phone down and have a chat perhaps? I always get scared of being rude in front of other people's kids (I know it's irrational) so I'd try to be polite but if nothing worked, I'd have a convo with my child about how good of a friend they actually were and whether they deserve her company again.

I know a lot of people wouldn't agree but sometimes when my 15 year olds come home after a long day with friends, all of them just lie their on their phones and sometimes show each other a video or something and I'm actually okay with that because they're older and it is clearly not just one person sitting there bored. Obviously they have still socialised and had a fun day and I don't think some phone time when together is bad at all.

But at 11, it isn't as normal in my opinion and it is awful and just unkind behaviour to ignore someone.

When they were that age, i was just blatant. In party invitations, i said that phones need to be left at phone and i'd take them off them if they emerged during a play date - no apology, no reasoning just that phones have to be left on the kitchen counter.

My oldest got her phone at 13 and she's nearly 15 now - i'm still strict on phone time and no phones past 9pm and not overnight, i check phone time as well and will confiscate for cheekiness etc.

They are evil things.

I literally don't understand it when parents say that they can't get their kids off their phones - just turn off the wi fi!

Yes you should have said something. We have a ‘no phones’ rule in our house for our children and their friends when people are over - so the friends are more than welcome to bring their phones but they have to put them in the bowl on the kitchen sideboard with everyone else’s. I also don’t tend to allow any sort of gaming (my own kids aren’t into gaming and might play on their shared console once or twice a week for an hour or so). When they have friends over the kids all go outside to play football or jump on the trampoline. They are age range 10-14 now, and all love coming here to play or for sleepovers. We’ve had just one or two who kept trying to play games on their phones and I’ve just been firm with them and said if they want to play on their phones they’ll have to go home to do that, and they’ve decided they’d rather put the phone down and stay to play with the other children.

My own kids have limits on their phones so they don’t waste hours playing games on them or anything, but they also know that when friends or family (or anyone) are over then they don’t need to even look at their phones and they are expected to come and chat politely even if it’s just to say hi, and exchange pleasantries with a great aunt etc. I don’t think that’s unreasonable and plenty of their friends parents have similar rules at their houses too.

I’ve been hearing a lot about https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk/ recently and it’s very interesting to me as my DD is approaching the age where others are starting to get phone and I’m really not wanting to get into it.

Listen to Raising Parents podcast. This week was about phone use.

They are NOT a solution for anxiety; they are part of the problem.

We have a rule in our house no phones in the bedroom or at the table so I would stick to that with guests too.

if I’d been in your situation I probably would have said to the child that I’d take her home early. I would have also commented to her DM, chances are she isn’t allowed to be like that in her house and was exploiting the freedom.

I would have turned the WiFi off. That is shocking behaviour. Really sad for your dd. What have phones turned kids into? I asked on another thread about how many hours their 12 year olds read as mine reads an hour a day. I asked was that the norm, I certainly read much more at 12... I was scoffed at & accused of boasting! It's a race to the bottom now. Interestingly Bill Gates & all the tech giants in Silicon valley don't allow their kids any tech...

I've got a relative like this, she's in her 50s. And another in her 70s.

Well the people to blame here are the children's parents for not setting guidelines & teaching basic manners & social skills. Remember covid all the articles about children being babysat by screens while parents worked from home. What hope does this generation have?

No need to make a big thing of it. Just casually say ‘ok phones away girls’ or ‘phones on the kitchen work surface girls, it’s our new rule’

I understand your concern. However, the girls are 11, not 5 - you aren't expected to closely supervise a playdate, and I think you'll infantlise your daughter if you try to.

Instead, take it as an opportunity to empower your daughter. Talk to her about how she felt about her friend's actions. If she found them rude, suggest she cools off the friendship.

That's the most age appropriate solution and will benefit your daughter most. Good luck.

Sounds like friend is addicted to games. Hard to get between them and that; it’s a parent problem.

'I've got a relative like this, she's in her 50s. And another in her 70s.'

It's true, there are many like this, it's not the same thing though. They at least had the chance to grow up without it affecting their brain development.

Everyone really does need to wake up to what is going on though, I've noticed people who were a bit more detached from their phones get more and more drawn in. I include myself. It's how they are designed to work.

Sadly the tech companies have tricked nearly everyone into now giving their children these devices by disguising them as 'phones', getting them deemed necessary, and making changes until they are actively harmful in so many ways. They are genuinely changing children's brains and behaviour. Aggressive porn now normalised as a sec life. There is a lot about how those involved in their advent now feel guilt about what they've done. And that's just the few who will admit it.

Something really has to change.

Possible the only positive thing to come out of the situation is that it illustrates to your DD what mobile technology can turn people into (one-dimensional, boring and rude) and that there's a time and a place for using a phone but not in social situations when it's nice to engage, interact and be part of proper conversations.

Yes, this is what I did. Its a house rule. As they get older, they ignore it but I remind them.

I would have said no phones at the table. And taken her home early. She would not have had the WiFi password either.
She could come back, but tell dd to tell her beforehand no screen time.

It's embarrassing to have a friend with no manners. Your dd sounds nice and rightly mortified. Be careful re sleepovers. Your dd could end up spending the time watching someone play on their phone. Boring.

It's sad isn't it. My friend organised a play date recently with her daughter's friends from school and she was shocked when everyone just sat around on the sofa looking at their phones. Their form of interaction was showing each other stuff on their phones and her daughter felt left out as she doesn't have a phone. They're 9 years old. Friend reckons she'll never invite this group over again as what's the point?

I'd probably tell her parents, and just let them know. it may well be that she has strict screen rules at home and took advantage of the situation.

This. Not my kid, not my problem. I just wouldn’t invite them back if my kid was bothered by it.

All this “house rules” stuff sounds so pompous.

couldnyou not have said “no phones at the dinner table” at least? You were the adult here?

I wouldn't have her round again, I've had friends like this and they are no longer friends if they can't be there in the moment

read the Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt, or follow the smartphone free childhood movement. Better still, suggest the mother reads/follows.

No 11 year old should own a smart phone. The mother of this child is doing her an incredible disservice by allowing it. The opportunity cost is far too high. If it were me I’d be asking that the child leaves her phone at home next time.

All this "not my kid, not my problem" stuff sounds uncaring, lazy and selfish.

Uncaring, lazy & selfish?! Are you implying this to the screen addicted child's parents?
Folk are busy enough raising their own kids correctly.

You're the parent and should parent how you see fit in your own home.

Use might not be allowed it so much at home and took the opportunity to make the most of it.

Understand your DD said not to say anything, but would have especially at the table.

My 12 year old asked if his pals could sleepover recently. 6 of them including ds. I said yes but no phones after 10.30pm... lots of moaning that there'd be nothing to do / pals messaging ds to say tell me no etc.

We cancelled, invited 1 nicer mate over instead. In your House you make the rules