Daughter had friend round - how would you handle this situation?

[Toastedpickle]

DD had a friend round after school, both 11. She is a good friend of a couple of years and we have had her round a few times before. The friend spent 90% of the time round here on her phone, messaging people from what I gather. To the point she was even ignoring DD and myself when we spoke to her, she was on it even during them eating dinner and constantly just sat on it until eventually DD gave up with it all and came to play games and chat with me and youngest DD while friend was upstairs in the bedroom on her phone. I took her home and again on her phone the whole way in the car while we chatted around her. She then didn’t even realise when I had pulled up at her house and stopped the car.
I wanted to say something when DD came down but she asked me not to. She looked so upset. And I can’t help thinking what a shit thing phones are for childhood. It’s made me really sad actually - she was like a zombie. Should I have told her to come off it? Should I mention to the mum (don’t know her that well)? She has had the phone for nearly a year so not like it because it is new and exciting.

The positive you can take out of this is by using it as a lesson to your daughter not to use her phone in that way herself.

If she ever starts getting a bit addicted to her phone you can remind what it was like ‘that time when xxxx came round and ignored you, used her phone at the table’ etc. At least that might help her shape her own behaviour in the future (in case she was ever tempted to use her phone like that around others).

you’d need to be careful she wasn’t showing your daughter anything not age appropriate. Say to her no smartphones and change your WiFi password so she couldn’t use that (that’s assuming that no 11 year old is using a generous data package so is relying on your WiFi?). Ask her to leave in bag or out of bedroom, same way you would if she was vaping or drinking in your house. You don’t want your daughter exposed to any of those so young, so set the rules for your house.

This is very sad but don't worry. Your DD is still very young and this friend looks like she won't last.

But your DD will eventually make friends with people more like her. It may happen at secondary school, at sixth form or maybe at university.

My DD17 recently deleted Instagram and Snapchat and is so much happier for it. She's an A* sixth form student and I'm so happy that she's finally spreading her wings.

My 17DN just did this too, let’s hope the older ones are starting to get bored of this now- they were age 11/12 during lockdown, same age as OPs dd now- when so many kids were on phones, it’s maybe lost some appeal now and they prefer real life experiences?

@itsmylife7 Absolutely. I teach. i recently was talking to one of my 16 year old students and asked how many hours she would spend on her phone. She showed me her stats for the day before - over 21 hour
s. She doesnt sleep!

Why didn't you put some boundaries in place... as the adult???

I would have taken the phone. "X you're here to socialize in person. I'll return the phone to your mum later. Or would you prefer to leave now?"

It takes a village. You were the adult in charge.

Parents need to start taking control of their children's phone use.

We're heading for a lost generation with no social skills.

Add in the damage to eyes and muscle overuse.

I definitely would not have allowed it at the dinner table, also if I saw her mother and she mentioned did they have a nice time ect, I'd say no not really she spent the whole time on her phone, I don't know how you put up with it, that would drive me mad.

Also i would not have her around again.

I find this attitude really ott. Saying you won’t invite someone back again is one thing. Saying they’ll never be asked back is another.

At 13, your dd agreed with you. At 16, she probably wouldn’t. My dd’s friends have done this at times. Children do sometimes do things, which are really off sometimes because they’re children. What happens when our child does something really unacceptable at someone else’s house? I would hope the parents and child give our child another chance otherwise everyone is going to be short on friends.

To illustrate the difference: My dd’s now ex friend has been low level horrible on and off with dd since June time. My dd was far too ill to retaliate - not that she does retaliate anyway - but she has anorexia so she was too ill to do so anyway. Then the girl sent such a dreadful text about dd, including things about dd’s anorexia and a clear safeguarding concern. I could have taken this to the police. I didn’t but the friendship is over, permanently. This girl, whom I have known since primary, will never be welcome under my roof again.

Irrespective of the rights and wrongs of children spending time on mobile phones, that behaviour is rude - it would be rude from an adult, too.

It's not about the phone - it would be rude if she'd come to your house and spent the entire time reading a book and ignoring your DD and you. An 11 year old is old enough to learn some basic manners.

If she wants to come to your house again, make it clear that either she puts her phone away or she isn't welcome - explain that it is hurtful to ignore people who are hosting you as a visitor.

I don't understand your post, it seems somewhat contradictory. I'm comfortable with my decision, DD is too. She has other friends who wouldn't dream of ignoring her for an entire evening. She knows the 'friends' behaviour was awful. I will always encourage her to not accept being treated badly. I hope your DD is keeping well.

I find this attitude really ott. Saying you won’t invite someone back again is one thing. Saying they’ll never be asked back is another

What’s the difference in practical terms between ‘won’t be invited back’ and ‘never be asked back’?

I could see my daughter doing this at a new house with unknown people there. She is Autistic with ADHD and has terrible social anxiety. Some of the comments here are really saddening. All it takes is for an adult to say "can we put the phones away now" just like I would do at home. I'm not a bad parent nor is my daughter allowed her phone all the time at home, but it is her lifeline and a way to manage her anxiety. She isn't rude or badly parented - just severely anxious and the idea that she could be judged like this just because an adult wouldn't just make a request of her is really upsetting.

It is literally the same thing.

I agree completely. I’m all for clear boundaries around mobile phone use in my own home but would always do so kindly. The 11yo is very much still a child!

Perhaps the friend’s mum has draconian ‘device time’ rules, so she was taking advantage of the freedom!

I had the same thing happen , apparently she was setting up a WhatsApp group and adding people.
Completely pointless and a waste of time , sent her home early.Parents didn't ask why. Thought the daughter would explain to them why.

Bucket of water by the door. As they come in - ‘Ok, phones in the bucket please’

💅

My approach would be next time tell her she is not allowed to have her phone during dinner at your house.

Then if she is on the phone all evening you make up an excuse on your daughter's behalf for why her friend has to leave and go in and say sorry we are doing this or whatever excuse, you have to leave now, I will drop you off home.

I hope your daughter will naturally start spending more time with her other friends and less with this one.

I’d have told her to put it down. We have a no phones rule at the table in our house that applies to adults as well. Whoever checks their phone first while eating cleans up guest or not

Your house, your rules-no phones at the table. And don’t feel guilty about saying that.

if I got on okay with the mum, I would ask her if everything’s alright with her daughter? And when she said ‘yes why do you ask?’ Just say well she’s never ever off her phone and see what she says….

It's sad that these children will now lose friends and not be invited back when all they need are boundaries. At school an adult would take the phone and I think it is reasonable to say "ok, you're here to spend time with your friend, so I will take the phone till hometime unless you would prefer to go home now if you have things to do on your phone". That way the child is choosing to end the friendship if they don't like it but know what to expect. I would want a parent to do similar with my child. Nomophobia is a thing and we need to help our children to regulate as they cannot do it themselves.

Sounds like my SIL (42) You couldn't make it up. Up to 2hrs staring at phone whilst visiting. Fxuking weird