Daughter had friend round - how would you handle this situation?

[Toastedpickle]

DD had a friend round after school, both 11. She is a good friend of a couple of years and we have had her round a few times before. The friend spent 90% of the time round here on her phone, messaging people from what I gather. To the point she was even ignoring DD and myself when we spoke to her, she was on it even during them eating dinner and constantly just sat on it until eventually DD gave up with it all and came to play games and chat with me and youngest DD while friend was upstairs in the bedroom on her phone. I took her home and again on her phone the whole way in the car while we chatted around her. She then didn’t even realise when I had pulled up at her house and stopped the car.
I wanted to say something when DD came down but she asked me not to. She looked so upset. And I can’t help thinking what a shit thing phones are for childhood. It’s made me really sad actually - she was like a zombie. Should I have told her to come off it? Should I mention to the mum (don’t know her that well)? She has had the phone for nearly a year so not like it because it is new and exciting.

For me its not just the outstandingly rude behaviour of ignoring people when you're a guest in their own home. It's also that I'd not want my child having unfiltered access to said screen either.

My youngest has a few friends who are older than him on our street. All primary school age, mine is the youngest and he's the only one without a smartphone. If they come in my garden and sit looking at their phone instead of interacting with the real live human friends they're meant to be interacting with I remind them. They sheepishly pop their phone in their pocket and go back to playing. I'm lucky we have a big group of kids on our street that do all "play out" and I'm keen to encourage them all to keep on doing so. I find it so depressing seeing them, primary school aged kids sat staring at a smartphone screen. :-(

I intend on holding off on a smartphone for as long as possible. Even as an adult I can sometimes feel the pull of them. Kid's brains aren't ready to navigate it all.

I can understand being shocked in the moment and not knowing whether to say something, will my child be upset I've said something etc but I'd rather they see me pointing out rules and behaviour. Ignoring it is kind of condoning it in my view.

I'd ask your DD if this was unusual for her and if she knows who she is messaging.
If it unusual and she's got some crisis going on I'd tell her mum, if she's just had unmamaged screentime and this is normal for her then I wouldn't say anything, but would invent a new house rule next time she comes over of no phones afterschool. Or especially at dinner.

You instigate a no phone rule in your house, she gives it to you when she arrives and she gets it back when she goes. Easy.

You are fine to say we don’t have phones at table here etc. I just wouldn’t invite again.

She is 11; you were the adult in charge; you should have ask her to follow your rules.

However I agree about mobile phones and how addicting they are; especially for children and young teens. It is sad; they have access to so much information and we are losing control as parents

I'd take a 2-prong approach here:

1. My DH and I ask our children's friends to adhere to house rules, including those around phones/devices. They don't get used at the table during meals, they aren't allowed in bedrooms after a certain time, we put our phones down when someone is talking to us, etc. I always phrase the initial request as just that - a household rule. "Claire, our family doesn't use phones during dinner. You're welcome to set it on the charger over there while we eat." If that doesn't get the message across I follow up with a direct request to put it away. This isn't me parenting the other child or managing my DC's friendships, it's setting and enforcing expectations for behavior in my home (or when I'm the adult in charge on an outing) for everyone present.
2. I try to limit direct management of relations between older children to safety issues, but that doesn't mean abandoning them to their own devices; it's our job to support our DC learning to navigate friendships and develop standards for how they want to be treated. I'd definitely bring the afternoon up with your DD and offer to help her navigate the situation. Start by just describing what you saw and what you thought/felt.. "Claire was on her phone so much while she was here that she barely acknowledged any of us. When I'd ask her something she wouldnt even hear, and she ended up staying in your room while you played with your sister. I find it rude and sometimes hurtful when people do that to me, especially when we've made plans to be together. How did you feel about it?" Listen to her thoughts, and if she agrees that she was bothered or didn't have fun, ask her what she'd like to have happen with the friendship. "You know, sometimes when my friends have done something that bothers me I decide to say something and ask them not to do it again, but other times I decide they're maybe not a good friend for me and so I just don't make more plans with them or seek them out. Do you think it would be worth talking to Claire about yesterday and asking her not to be on her phone if she comes over again? I could help you figure out what to say and practice. [For a younger kid or timid kid I would offer to be the one to speak up about it to the friend and just say it's a house rule not to be on our phones all afternoon]. Or do you think maybe she'll just be a school friend for the time being and you can invite a different friend to come over next time?" If your DD says she didn't mind her friend being on the phone, don't try to convince her otherwise, but do let her know that you weren't ok with being ignored or having phones at the table, so if it happens in the future you'll be asking the friend to put her phone down when you're trying to talk to her and at the dinner table - this is you modeling setting boundaries for yourself and the home while giving your DD the opportunity to do the same for herself.

I had a date like this over the summer! 😒

Edit: just to say that my point is that there's adults like this now.

You could try and say you don't have phones at playtime or mealtimes in the house. If your daughter was on board you could say it was a phone free environment when they do playdates? But at that age I'm not sure if it would wash. In that your daughter might think it seems too 'uncool'. But if she's like this then it's probably best you encourage your daughter to focus on other friends to invite round.

That's really shit. Agree with other posters about putting your foot down about having a phone at the table, but it is easy to be caught off guard, and not straight forwards when you are hosting a guest.

I would have said - phones away now, go and play and definitely no phones at table. I wouldn’t mention to mum

I think it’s fine - actually more than fine - to enforce house rules such as no phones at the table/no phones upstairs etc assuming that’s how you expect your own dc to behave day-to-day. It is difficult though, sometimes they can have very constructive play together using phones, and some kids seem to think they might actually die if they aren’t allowed unfettered access at all times…..

Maybe I'm jaded and lazy, but I wouldn't be going out of my way to parent someone else's offspring. I would have just commiserated with my daughter that her friend was so crap and never invited her back again. It's not my job to try and civilise random kids 😂

Er, you should have said that there are no phones at the table during dinner. You're the parent, adult and host.

I met up with an old friend recently and her 11 year old was on her cell for the entire time. 3 hours. The child barely looked up.

She also sat in the front seat of the car as they were giving me a lift, and didn't offer to let me sit there in the front (the child). The mother also didn't ask her to move. So I sat in the back with the litte ones. Says it all

No they aren't.

Just stick to the facts, no need to make stuff up.

Certain apps have terms and conditions when signing up.

Mobile phones are not "illegal" in any context.

Your poor daughter. At least she had you and her sister to play with. How antisocial that girl is - don't have her round again. If the mother says thank you for having her, I'd be tempted to say well we barely knew she was here, she hid herself upstairs on her devices all evening.
We are a no screens until teens family (kids a lot younger than yours so not really relevant). Mine would be upset at this too.

Ugh.. Just do not ever invite back. So bloody rude- being a teenager is not an excuse for such poor social skills.

Don't mention it to the mum. When she used her phone at the table you could have said sorry no phones when eating. Just don't invite her again.

You cannot demand another child's phone, unless you have made it very clear beforehand

Everyone's saying the child is antisocial, rude, and wouldn't get another invite, or doesn't like your daughter any more - the problem is she's been given an incredibly addictive device at a vulnerable age, with apps and content designed by some of the smartest brains on the planet to manipulate young people into staying online for longer.

It's a tall order to expect an addicted pre-teen child to simply put their addiction to one side out of politeness when they've not even been asked to. Maybe if she's allowed to behave this way at home (eg have phone during dinner), she doesn't even realize how rude it comes across.

10/11 year olds simply shouldn't have smartphones with social apps on. (In my opinion they're not good even for adults - I myself struggle to go the day without checking - but they're awful for teens)

It's fine to set boundaries and expectations under your own roof and I think you could do this next time.

My 13yo had one of her friends sleepover last month. Friend spent the entire evening on her phone to some boy. She will never be asked back to my house. DD agreed.

Nope, she’s got a dreadful phone addiction that needs addressing.

An 11yr old with a phone???? Christ.

I'm following the 'Smartphone Pact' to delay DD having a smartphone until year 9

smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk

I know I will get blasted for this but its strange how people put up with this rudeness. When you are visiting someone, then they should have your full attention, it is rude to sit on the phone, the person you are visiting should have your full attention. This applies to any age.

In this case, its down to parenting and your daughter is right to be disappointed.

When a child visits, I subscribe to the "when you are in my house, you follow my rules" ethos. Whilst guests are present (this includes the guest) then phones stay unused especially during meals. If the kids are given permission to play games on their phone or ask to send/respond to a message or receive a call from a parent, then that is fine but when you are visiting someone, the focus is on the people you are with and not your phone because to do otherwise would be very rude.

If your daughter normally enjoys her friends company, next time she comes, tell her straight....no phones!

I'm of the "village raises the child" belief so it's irresponsible and unkind to not help a child regulate their behaviour by requiring discipline.

If a guest is being rude in your home to your DD, it’s completely fine to tell them so. Your house, your rules. Kids need to be told what is and isn’t rude.