When people tell you about their personality traits they're almost always wrong?

[Redruns]

And probably telling you about the person they want to be or want you to think they are.

The obvious one is honest. I find people who tell you they're honest rarely are, people who are don't feel the need to tell you.

I have a friend who goes on and on about his emotional intelligence, but I don't think he's emotionally intelligent at all. I think he knows the kind of man he'd like to be and puts a lot of energy into pretending to be someone he's not, which must be exhausting. He's also a people pleaser, which basically means he's not honest with anyone.

Another example is a man who keeps telling me he's proud to be in touch with his feminine side but he's definitely not gay....it never occurred to me that he was until he started going on about it!

I did read that she did suffer from a mental health issue (bipolar?) And I don't know if her abuse was on going or whether she snapped during a breakdown . That of course doesn't make it right, nor less traumatic for her victim. But it does make me wonder . The cynical part of me I guess being attractive doesn't hurt. You can bet if it was someone obese or poor or ordinary they would be vilified.

Ok fair point.

I get this with DH to some extent.

But my mum has a friend who's like this - he's the lovely kind bloke but it's because if he ever needs to "confront" someone (eg take a faulty kettle back to the shop), he asks my mum to do it for him! I think she's told him to bog off now and do his own "confronting".

So I don't think it's a gendered thing. A bit off topic, sorry!

I find people who really aren't keen on drama don't have to state it. It's a non issue. They don't invite it into their lives.

My toxic trait is I love other people's drama. I want no part of it, but I want the details.

That's why I love MN. I get to read about other people's drama.

@Josette77 this resonates with me. I like watching the drama unfold. I kind of hate that about myself but not badly enough to stop!

@Josette77 also there's a difference between being the kind of person who tells it like it is and the kind who says to people 'I tell it like it is'.

The first is (at least possibly) honest if a bit blunt, the second is code for 'I am about to be rude to you.' And normally is said when nobody has asked for the opinion.

The one person I know whose therapist has apparently told them that they're an empath is an abuse survivor. It's totally true that she can sense other people's moods within seconds, but I think it's as a result of decades of having to read situations as quickly as possible to avoid horrendous consequences. I sadly don't think that being an empath is always made up for kudos and I don't think it's a good thing.

Yes, I tell it like it is, in that I'm honest when asked or if it's relevant to the conversation. I wouldn't say I liked something if I didn't, but hopefully would find a tactful way to say it. I'm not proud of it to the extent that I'd tell anyone that about myself.

I have a friend who is very proud of what she calls her independent nature.

I would never call her out, but I find it very hard to listen to: she has NEVER lived alone, has a partner who takes care of all the money side of things and supervises the major household building jobs, has bought her a car, etc. I don't understand how someone can be so blinkered.

That said, the people who keep telling you that they're like Marmite - people love them or hate them - are half right 😬

I don’t know what kind of personality trait this would be, but I would never dream of talking to anyone about my personality. I can’t think of anything more boring and self centred and I would run like the wind away from anyone who droned on about their own perceived traits.

Oh yes. "Empath" = pathologically self-involved.

I have a male friend, older gentleman, who likes to go on about being such an empath. He reads lots of books about it too. He's really not!

He also likes to moan about how his late partner was a narcissist (although he himself displays narcissistic traits) but he didn't mind living in his DP's large, expensive house for many years, even though she apparently treated him so badly.

Exactly JM I can’t imagine ever with a straight face saying in public that I have a particular good personality trait. It’s just utterly cringe.

I always have a quiet laugh if I'm on a thread where someone is having a trying time with someone very difficult, and along comes a poster who claims "well me, I'd just say/do XYZ (usually something nasty or outrageous), but then I'm just a hard faced bitch". I wonder if they really would do what they suggest, or whether they're just a keyboard warrior trying to sound tough.

The only ones I find to be correct are the ones who say they “call a spade a spade”.

It’s shorthand for “I’m a prick and don’t care who I upset with my opinions, but at least I own it.”

I'm very attuned to people = I am a nosy cow who will weasel her way into your life

I call it as I see it = I am a sad, bitter cow who will bitch and laugh about other people

I'm very self aware = I don't care about your point of view

Yes, excellent point! The main reason the likes of those with NPD and ASPD are so harmful is that they have little to no empathy and they are a minority among us , thanks be to God. If the vast majority of human beings had little to no empathy for others, things would start to go very wrong very rapidly and very soon, we'd destroy ourselves and the world itself. War is an example of this when both sides tend to dehumanise each other, to make it less horrifying to fight and kill.
The fact is, most of us have enough empathy to enable us to care enough about others to make society function. Not as well as it could, granted, but we've not descended into chaos just yet. It just shows though that being an "empath", a term I dislike, is not a very rare and special character trait. Being without it is what's rare!

When my kids were at primary school a mum posted on Facebook "Here's the thing. I'm a nice person, so if I'm a bitch to you, you need to ask yourself why."
One of the nastiest people I've ever come across.
Most people I know who are nice never make pronouncements about themselves. The small minority who do were all horrible and trying to convince people otherwise.

My god. That is such a massive red flag!

I work with someone who tries to side-step dealing with anything difficult or potentially controversial by claiming that she's 'too much of a people pleaser' and 'hates confrontation' so she fears that she'd just back down and/or get upset. I've known her for a few years now and have seen that she is quite inflexible in her views of how things should be done and the first to call (privately, in manager meetings) for staff to be dealt with harshly. She'll persuade everyone that a harsh stance is absolutely necessary, then back off and offer sympathy to the other party.

Similarly, I have a family member who tells anyone who will listen that she's 'very laid back' and happy to 'just go with the flow'. In reality she has very specific requirements for things she will and won't do but does not want to ever be asked to come up with suggestions or make a decision. Her sister often tries to arrange family gatherings so she usually starts with arrangements that she thinks 'Laid Back' will like. Laid Back will then say 'it's fine, I'll just go with the flow, but [insert reason why it's not fine, or why she'll just need to sit and watch/not eat anything etc'. Then Sister tries to adjust things to meet her needs and again it's not quite right. Until we all end up doing the thing that Laid Back wanted to do, at exactly the time she wanted to do it. If anything goes wrong on the day, or anyone doesn't like what's chosen, Laid Back will loudly declare that she didn't have anything to do with the arrangements- she just goes along with what everyone else chooses because she's so laid back.

A family member who claims to be empathetic, sensitive, thoughtful, and always putting the needs of others before her own (and she puts that on her website where she sells hokey therapies for the emotionally gullible). If she is so bloody sensitive to emotions, why can she not tell when she has overstayed her welcome in my house?

Ouch.

I have wording like that on my website. It doesn't mean I'm like it to absolutely everyone in life, but I am definitely like it to my clients!

@Blanketyre do you invite yourself along to things even when you are not invited, and there is no reason for you to be there? Do you believe in conspiracy theories peddle them as fact to young family members even when their parents have told you not to do this? Do you provide harmful health advice to people? If so, you may be my empathetic cousin. Otherwise, you are probably just human, like all the rest of us, 😂

I agree, it's not a made up thing but lots of people do mistake themselves to be an empath.

The irony is being an empath actually has little to do with being empathetic, and any empathy that is shown isn't any more than anyone else. Being an empath is more to do with a natural higher state of intuition where you sense peoples moods and energy very quickly, often without anyone saying a word, which can also make more perceptive too.

That's where/why a lot of people think it's nonsense because they just think it's some arrogant person claiming to care about someone more than others when it's not (well some claim it is but then they aren't really empaths). As I said its more about unvoluntarily sensing/feeling their energy and mood, which is often then absorbed (this could be good and bad energy/mood). It's nothing to do with caring/empathising/sympathising more than anyone else.