When people tell you about their personality traits they're almost always wrong?

[Redruns]

And probably telling you about the person they want to be or want you to think they are.

The obvious one is honest. I find people who tell you they're honest rarely are, people who are don't feel the need to tell you.

I have a friend who goes on and on about his emotional intelligence, but I don't think he's emotionally intelligent at all. I think he knows the kind of man he'd like to be and puts a lot of energy into pretending to be someone he's not, which must be exhausting. He's also a people pleaser, which basically means he's not honest with anyone.

Another example is a man who keeps telling me he's proud to be in touch with his feminine side but he's definitely not gay....it never occurred to me that he was until he started going on about it!

Bang on.

It’s the empaths that get me, they are so empathetic that other people just overwhelm them so they have to spend some time sitting and thinking about themselves. I just assume anyone who claims to be an empath is a narcissist tbh.

I had a friend who claimed to always be supporting her friends. She literally talked over people whenever they had a problem and brought it back to herself.

My budgies are offended 🤣🤣🤣

Certainly the people I know who describe themselves as empathetic, do genuinely seem to believe that they are very sensitive to other people's feelings. However, what I think is actually happening is that they are feeling their own feelings about a situation and then mistakenly attributing them to other people.

I've had an number of conversations with people who have told me how empathetic they are, while I have listened politely but been thinking 'surely, if you were that empathetic, you'd know that I'm finding this quite boring and internally rolling my eyes?'

Edited to add: I also do know one person who genuinely is very empathetic, but they would never describe themselves as such, and also it takes a real toll on them. It's not necessarily a great trait to have.

I know at least two people who say they are not emotional or in the words of one don’t “do emotions” yet they can be so explosively angry. That’s not an emotion obviously.

If they "don't do drama" they are 100% the drama.
And if they "tell it like it is" they are an asshole

I disagree with both of those. I really don't do drama, I am rational and I find other people's making drama out of nothing tedious.

And if you don't want an honest opinion, don't ask for it. I know there was a thread on this the other week but I think I was away so didn't comment on it. I'd much rather someone tell me eg in a shop that a dress looks awful on me, rather than let me waste £££ on something that makes me look ridiculous. I really hate two-faced-ness.

I don't think I am a detail person. Detail bores me, but people have told me that I get hung up on detail. I think I am self-aware, but maybe in view of the detail thing, I am not!

“I’m a people person”= I’m manipulative and self-absorbed, and will pretend to be best friends with anyone who will let me bang on about myself.

XP told me early on "I'm really a happy person, I don't get down at all really".
Six months later the regular abusive outbursts due to "my anxiety" or "my mental health" began...

Agreed. It's like the people who say they are generous and I'm like... really? 😏I think people who aren't trying to prove or pretend something about themselves don't go about defining who they are to other people, they just live the behaviour and don't need to verbalise it.

Makes me think of Georgia from Love Island a while back who repeatedly said she was loyal and mature and she was the opposite of both.

This is my mother. She says things like how she is very emotionally mature, kind and has a deep well of empathy. She says she isn't judgemental and is very sensitive to other people's feelings. Absolutely not racist.

Also wondered why Cristiano Ronaldo would be sad that his baby died as he already had other kids? Poked my stomach when I was 8 weeks pp and asked was there another one still in there? When a white lady we know got engaged to a black man, she said 'I bet her parents are horrified'.

She also says that she isn't the sort of person who takes things seriously, and she has fallen out with nearly everyone because they all said awful things to her.

I have a friend who does frequently refer to what a polite and well mannered person she is, and she actually had a reputation for never saying thank you for anything. It was so awkward, even when we would hand her a birthday present there was a weird silence where 'thank you' should have been.

"I am a strong, independent woman" inevitably is...quite the opposite

I disagree with both of those. I really don't do drama, I am rational and I find other people's making drama out of nothing tedious.

Actually not doing drama - very sensible. Back away from the drama. Stating out loud that you don't do drama - often quite a dramatic thing to do really.

I'd be wary of anyone who actually tells you what their personality is. Why would you do that?

I usually presume the opposite when someone tells me a trait and I've not been proven wrong. I'm fairly accurate and self aware, people have told me that I am right when I tell them who I am.

It's usually said by women who have had a traumatic time and trying to rebuild themselves.

Absolutely true! Remember a friend of my parents describing herself as “bubbly”. They were agog on the way home lovely friend of theirs but basically the exact opposite of bubbly!

My other rule is anyone that states to other parents that their child is intelligent is always thick themselves.

I can’t imagine ever having a conversation with someone where we discuss our ‘personality traits’. Sounds like navel-gazing nonsense.

It’s like parents declaring how happy a childhood their kids are having. That’s for them to decide not you.

I suppose it's the same as with photographs - we are often horrified to see ourselves as others see us, because when we look at ourselves in the mirror we see through a filter of self delusion. Then we claim to "photograph badly" (or I do!)

In the same way, we probably wouldn't recognise our personalities as seen by others, and our description of ourselves is probably both delusional and revealing.

That hasn't been my experience of the phrase, but happy to make an exception for such cases!

I often think that when I'm on Mumsnet. So many people who had miserable childhoods with negligent or cruel parents, but they are totally confident in their own parenting and 100% certain their children will look back with fondness and admiration.

"I really wouldn't want to upset you and no offence, but............"

Yes, and people tend to strongly dislike negative qualities/ behaviour in other people that they are actually guilty of themselves (myself included 😬), even though they’re genuinely not aware they are that way and would be outraged if you pointed it out. We often have a lot in common with the people we most dislike.

I agree with this. Your personality is a perception by the third party exposed to it. You can describe it all you like, but if it’s not what they experience of you…🤷🏻‍♀️

If you spot it, you’ve got it, as they say. Very much true for me.

Two colleagues have described themselves to me as empaths - both are pleasant but very, very good at getting their own way, often have to be centre of attention, and are skilled at getting others to do things for them.