I feel so sad that dd16 is on her own so much of the time

[TheWholeShackShimmies]

Dd16 left school in September. She has had an update and down journey with her friendship groups during the secondary years. Girls can be so mean to each other.

She had one friend who imo was extremely flakey but dd got on ok with her. Dd and this friend decided to do the same course at college but the friend dropped out on day 2 and has now moved to live with her mum which is a 4 hour round trip away so dd doesn't see her anymore. She has made a few friends at college and gets on ok during the 3 days a week that she is there but they all have boyfriends and are occupied with them over the weekends and they don't seem interested in catching up with the other girls (or dd) so she spends so much time on her own, in her bedroom or with me. It breaks my heart because she is desperate to make new friends and have a bit of a social life.

We have tried every avenue to help her make new friends. She isn't at all sporty nor does she hold any interest in any sport based activities but we have looked into many other clubs in our area but so many are for either much older or younger people. Youth clubs seems to be for kids up to 13/14. I registered her for the Police cadets but they are full until end of next year, the girl guides had no registered interest for the 15-16 year group so have closed that group down. She looked into various volunteering jobs but they all have much older people and although she is fine with older people she understandably wants friends from her own age group. She has also applied for endless part time jobs in our area but never here's back.

How on earth is she going to make more friends? I really worry about her as she is getting quite low about it all now.

Very similar to DD.
I have found, having a boy then a girl, that girls do seem to form tight friendship groups and it can be quite hard for anyone else to get into these groups even if they appear outwardly friendly. Dd spends most evenings chatting to these girls on Snapchat abd the likes but they all seem to do their own thing at weekends.

For clarity, I said 'omg this is vile'.. maybe you need to review what frothing at the mouth means? Or maybe you should go on a diet? That might help your social skills.

Will definitely look into amdram, thanks. That would help her.

Do try Young Farmers. It’s really not all farmers and opens up a huge social life. Weekly meetings, parties at weekends plus county stuff. I’ve travelled the world with YFC and gained so much from it.

She talks to 3 other girls from secondary most evenings. One has gone to a college miles away, one has a bf and tbh I'm not sure what the other one is up to.

Good about the lessons. Definitely would recommend it. We had a private road near to us and my 18/19 year old friend - her father was a headmaster so he had access to the school grounds.
The insurance shouldn't be a problem if you (or someone you trust) is always with her and does the driving to & from the private site. I never once hit anything (!) and before we started my friend made me swear to do exactly what she said otherwise she'd set her father on me. And he was frightening!
We spent about an hour learning the gear positions to start with and I'm convinced that's why I'm very quick (& very good? lol) changing gear ever since.
My bff who lives next door is a petrolhead and the first time I drove her ancient Morris 1000 she was amazed (so she said) at how good I was "forcing" the gearlever!
Sorry to waffle but I definitely think your dd will love being able to drive before other girls her age.

No, my bf's girls are late 20's with kids of their own, my other good friend has boys who are 13 and 15 and my other close friend has an 18 year old dd who my dd was good friends with but she has gone off to uni. My other friend's dd has moved in with her gf so is loved up!

If she likes being active but not necessarily team sports, would she try something like climbing or fencing? Sports like this tend to be quite sociable. Or even just joining a gym?

This is what I tried telling her. I think she thought they would all be like her dad, always in wellies and droning on about their tractors 😂
I've tried telling her that is so much more fun than that.

In regards to the job has she approached hair salons looking for a Saturday girl? Any local park run? They're always looking for volunteers and a way to meet others

We did park run a while ago but it was all older people, she has no issues with older people of course but she just wants to make friends of her own age.
She has half term in a week so is going to go into town and ask around in some salons

Does she have online friends, perhaps in the Larp or Cosplay communities if she is into SFX? Does she do any hobbies connected to effect makeup - film-making, am dram, or the above? (I appreciate she can't go into town with someone who lives more than a bus ride away).

Both my dds, now older than yours, have met friends online, and also met their boyfriends online too (not online dating, via games chats, shared interest groups and Snapchat - don't ask me how it works!). If they live close or she can travel, she might make friends this way.

Mine also went to college at 16 - clubs didn't seem to be a thing and the only friends they made were on their course. If she's already friendly with a few, that will probably lead to something eventually. Even girls with boyfriends like to have other friends usually! And the relationships may not last.

A lot of socialising in this age group now centres on online chatting too.

Can you encourage her to get a job? When I worked in Pizza Hut in my teens it was all young staff and we had great nights out and fun at work.

I'd definitely recommend a Drama club, it's usually a diverse but very friendly bunch of mixed age teens.
Some are v expensive eg Stagecoach, PQA, but my DD goes to a local youth theatre for £8 for 2 hours, and another one in the next town which is £3. This one has loads of volunteer groups too, choir, craft, makers.

Any local Halloween events she could work at? My 16yo niece has just got some work at a Pumpkin patch.

Lots of teens Donny go out as much now.

My DS was always online gaming with his friends.

What about a choir? Sing choirs are good or a community choir.

Agree with others that am dram will love her.

My niece is 16, loads of friends and a tight circle yet never seems to go out at the weekend! Seems like they socialise online more!

Others may come along and disprove this, but I just wanted to say that in my limited experience this age group really don't seem to go out that much!

Sounds like she's made a foundation for friendships at college, and hopefully these will grow, combined with loads of good ideas above.

McDonald's is a great place for young people to work, and pays well too. If she applies and doesn't get an interview you could try writing to the franchise owner (not sure how you would find this out) and pleading her case. She could work sat and Sundays then and wouldn't be so focused on not having a BfF

Does your daughter’s college course have a group chat? If not, she should set one up!

Then she could suggest that they have a Christmas party or do something fun together to celebrate the end of their first term. The girls with boyfriends can bring them along.

She’ll only need a few people to be interested - they could meet up after college or at the weekends to plan it.

I think most teens do want to hang out and socialise but can feel awkward/nervous about moving their friendships offline, so doing something like a group activity can take the pressure off and get the ball rolling.

A PT job in Primark or the likes could be great for her as they would have a lot of younger PT workers.

2 of mine have/had jobs at our local Waitrose. Seemingly half their sixth form work there and it has been a good place to meet others of a similar age.

Tbh, for one of mine, things didn’t really improve until they went to Uni.

It’s a really hard time, I feel for you.

Relationships are important but most people have something more going on in addition to spending all their time with a partner at the weekend. Often, boyfriends lead to early motherhood/marriage. Does your DD want that?

What does your DD want from life longer term?
I would encourage her to look beyond the immediate horizons and to make links beyond the girls from school. So being part of the local panto or finding a part-time job would help.