If you have young adult children.....

[CurlewKate]

......say over 18. Are you a typical mumsnetter and think that they are completely out on their own? So you refuse lifts, support, money, food, help with form filling, refuge if things go wrong because "they're adults now" Or are you like me, and happy to be helpful and needed if required until I'm too old and decrepit to do it.

My eldest has just started uni so he's on his own now anyway dealing with life living away from home

DD is younger and I refused lifts when she was 16 ish because there's a perfectly adequate public transport where we live at all hours and she out so often with her friends that giving lifts became ridiculous between the parents so we all said no make your own way home if you must keep going out

Actually more like 15 ish but that make sound like a monster

My DS is 20 and I'll help him with absolutely anything he asks of me... within reason obviously.

I don’t think they are on their own when they start university - I know what you mean but I definitely don’t think they can just cope then.

@CurlewKate I suspect what MN say and what MN so are very different things. See also toddlers in puddle suits all day every day and sitting husbands down for every minor infringement.

I help out all my adult kids and always will.

100% like you. I’m not sure whether I believe the other lot.

I will always help out, regardless of age.

I'm on my own with young adult DC, tbh they're more likely to give me a lift than vice versa, but I wouldn't say no if they asked.

They're pretty good around the house when asked, but don't "see" things that need doing so do need to be asked.

Financially they contribute enough so that having them here doesn't cost me anything, but obviously that's a lot less than living independently.

They wouldn't dream of asking me for money, but I'm generous at Christmas and birthdays and when we do things together (a meal, a holiday) I pay.

I'm trying to be in the middle.

I supported a LOT during their teens. I've given them a substantial sum towards beginning their career/doing a masters.

But I am severely disabled myself and I don't want them to lean on me too much because I struggle then!

DS 18 and DD 14, still cook evening meals, give them lifts, wash their clothes etc.
I don't see the point in 'cutting them off' at a particular age. We function nicely as a family, DS is walking the dogs for me now so I can sit down for a bit after spending time cleaning this morning.
My DH has different ideas and would definitely expect my son to be standing on his own two feet now, luckily for my children they have me to put DH straight 🤣

Definitely not , always happy to help

Yes we help them as much as we can.

Like @BadPeopleFan , we function really well as a family. Nothing magically changed at 18 here. I still give lifts, treat them, cook most evenings because I love cooking. Pay for things (one is at uni). Get up at 6am to give lifts to weekend jobs etc., etc..

I can see their independence growing and that’s wonderful, but no, I can’t imagine not helping them in life.

lifts, - where, when, public transport, walkable, cyclable, timings? If not solvable by them, of course
support,- always
money- how much and why? Emergency? of course, frivolous, no
food- if needed of course
help with form filling,- if needed of course
refuge if things go wrong - always

My eldest are 22 and 24. The younger one has a year left at Uni, the older one has graduated and is working. She will be moving into her own flat nearby soon. Very mixed feelings - it’s time for her to start her own life but of course we will miss her! We will help her move, clean and paint the flat and make the ikea furniture. But our own parents did not really do any of those things for us - but they were born in 1940’s and just had a really different outlook. We are helping financially with the flat as otherwise we will all be sharing a home forever, and that does not seem healthy. Again our parents did not need to do so for us because 30 years ago housing was easier.

People who sit with a bank full of money but watch their children struggle (at any age) are a disgrace in my opinion. You should want to to everything in your power to help them be better than you are.

The tradition of piling up money your whole life just to hand it over once you're dead, to someone who's already nearly at retirement age and could have used it to set themselves up for a better life 30 years ago is absolutely bizarre to me.

My son is 21 and graduated from uni in May and lives with us right now but he has a good job. I'll help him with lifts most of the time but sometimes if he's at the train station and I'm busy, he has to walk home from there but it's literally about 20 minutes. I help him with everything regarding food, he can help himself to anything. Money - he has his own but before he got his job, we paid for everything and are still happy to help out. Form filling he can do himself I reckon. Refuge, always, I'll always be there for him. If anything goes wrong, I refuse to leave him stranded.

Awful to me that people turn 18 and are suddenly expected to be completely independent. He still is definitely independent and not always relying on us but he's still my child and I will always support him.

Mine are 34,29 and 15. I’ve always supported them in terms of encouragement, suggestions, practical help, our house as a refuge, money (within reason!) The older two have been pretty independent only asked for help if it was necessary.

15 year old I’m slowly increasing and encouraging his independence. He's off to London on his own in half term for a day (2 hour train journey). He can make his own breakfast /lunch etc.

My mum pretty much cut off all support whatsoever from when I turned 18. I vowed I would do better for my kids.

I'm like you.

DCs are 20 and 22. DC22 has just graduated and started their first proper job and first time living in their own. They had flat shares at uni, so knew about electricity bills etc but not things like contents insurance.

DC20 has recently needed a lot of help with a medical matter and also moving into first house share - although DC22 was very helpful about advising on the house share.

To each according to their needs, but I wouldn’t refuse to help anyone just to make a point.

Like you. They continue to get help and support. DS is married now and we offer practical and emotional support. DD spends most of her time with her boyfriend at his flat. They are independent and have good jobs. Again they receive emotional and practical support when needed.

They are both often in touch and come for family meals. There is mutual love.

Mine are 32 and 26. I still help them if they ask but the sort of things they need help with is different now as they have jobs and live in their own homes.

@CurlewKate mine are 20 and 18, and I'm very much by their side through their transition to adulthood. My eldest would have been ripped off by shark landlords at uni if I hadn't been able to advise him. I've also advised him on internship and job applications, not least just by being an extra pair of eyes on the internet for spotting opportunities.

Both are still financially dependent on us for the time being and we are investing in their future by helping them to save for a house deposit.

There is no advantage in cutting them loose and standing back to watch them sink or swim. There is so much to learn about adulthood, and they need to know you're there for them.

Dd is 27 but young.. I babysit average of 3 times a week. I get her ds from school every day. She and the kids stay at mine if she needs to .gs has a sleep over about once every 3 weeks.

Ds 17 so not quite an adult. Is in supported accommodation. He gets all his own money etc. But still eats at my house almost every day. Does his washing etc.

Ds 22. Is very independent. He's very busy with work . Pops over once a week and we chat on the phone

My son is 21, works full time & lives at home. I imagine he will be here for a good few years. He likes to be independent but he does ask for help when he needs it. I will always help him when I can, I am his mum. My parents still help me when I need it.