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Original poster

If you have young adult children.....

90 replies

CurlewKate · 19/10/2024 14:37

......say over 18. Are you a typical mumsnetter and think that they are completely out on their own? So you refuse lifts, support, money, food, help with form filling, refuge if things go wrong because "they're adults now" Or are you like me, and happy to be helpful and needed if required until I'm too old and decrepit to do it.

OP posts:
InMySpareTime · 20/10/2024 08:00

DCs are early 20s and both live independently. We help them out with lifts when they need, but they get themselves to work etc so only need lifts once every few weeks for heavy shopping etc.
They sort their own rent and bills, but we'll help them with complicated forms and advice on independent living etc.
It's a tricky balance, being there for them while fostering independence.

PosiePetal · 20/10/2024 08:01

I’ll always help them out as much as I can.

ssd · 20/10/2024 08:05

CurlewKate · 19/10/2024 14:37

......say over 18. Are you a typical mumsnetter and think that they are completely out on their own? So you refuse lifts, support, money, food, help with form filling, refuge if things go wrong because "they're adults now" Or are you like me, and happy to be helpful and needed if required until I'm too old and decrepit to do it.

Im 100% like you @CurlewKate

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Families
ErrolTheDragon · 20/10/2024 08:07

CurlewKate · 19/10/2024 14:37

......say over 18. Are you a typical mumsnetter and think that they are completely out on their own? So you refuse lifts, support, money, food, help with form filling, refuge if things go wrong because "they're adults now" Or are you like me, and happy to be helpful and needed if required until I'm too old and decrepit to do it.

I think your characterisation of 'a typical mumsnetter' is way off base.Confused

The idea of a parent treating their young adult child as 'completely out on their own' surely only applies if there's some significant disfunctionality ?

exprecis · 20/10/2024 08:10

I think the Mumsnet norm seems to be more young adult children still living at home, welcome forever, often having their boyfriends/girlfriends living at home, needing a lot of "support" because they're still so little

ThePoshUns · 20/10/2024 08:14

My two have just graduated and are living at home. One is saving for a deposit, the other is going travelling.
I dint take anything off them. They Parfitt's their own phones and gym membership.
They buy their own food and cook for themselves sometimes but I'm happy to cook for them.
I help them when they need it. Sometimes they help me.
I am ready for them to move out but appreciate how bloody expensive it is for them!

ErrolTheDragon · 20/10/2024 08:15

exprecis · 20/10/2024 08:10

I think the Mumsnet norm seems to be more young adult children still living at home, welcome forever, often having their boyfriends/girlfriends living at home, needing a lot of "support" because they're still so little

And that extreme isn't 'the norm' either.

I'm pretty sure the majority of families lie in the balanced middle range of behaviours.

Lentilweaver · 20/10/2024 08:16

No. In fact, they both live with me and I won't even be charging them rent however long they stay. I also help them with a lot of stuff.

However, I am Asian and we do things differently! That said, I think given the cost of living and housing, I think most people will have to help their kids well into their late twenties.

Original poster
CurlewKate · 20/10/2024 08:17

@ErrolTheDragon "
The idea of a parent treating their young adult child as 'completely out on their own' surely only applies if there's some significant disfunctionality"

I realise I'm generalising. But you must have seen it. Obviously I can't quote from other threads, but there are at least 4 active threads where people are being told things like, for example,that they will "never learn" if not left to fend for themselves in their first term at university.....

OP posts:
2Old2Tango · 20/10/2024 08:17

I'm recently widowed and my two DDs, both early 20s, live at home with me. One did live with her bf for a year but sadly the relationship ended and she came home as she couldn't afford the flat rental on her own.

I do give them lifts, if they ask politely. Both have their own cars but occasionally want a lift to a station (25min round trip) if they're going out. They would do the same for me if I asked. I will help them with things if it's the first time of doing something - form filling, setting up insurance etc - but I expect them to learn from it and do it themselves the next time (though will answer questions if they're unsure of anything). I believe in guiding them to stand on their own two feet. Both contribute to the household, so they're not taking the piss.

exprecis · 20/10/2024 08:18

ErrolTheDragon · 20/10/2024 08:15

And that extreme isn't 'the norm' either.

I'm pretty sure the majority of families lie in the balanced middle range of behaviours.

Show quote history

I agree IRL it will be something in between but there are a lot of very vocal mumsnetters who still do everything for their young adult children

See for example the thread from someone asking what to batch cook for their child starting university

Lentilweaver · 20/10/2024 08:20

If you go to the Parents with Adult children thread, you will see terrifying instances of DC being at home until 30 and also moving their partners in.

I have drawn the line at partners.

exprecis · 20/10/2024 08:21

Lentilweaver · 20/10/2024 08:20

If you go to the Parents with Adult children thread, you will see terrifying instances of DC being at home until 30 and also moving their partners in.

I have drawn the line at partners.

The partners thing is just incredibly bizarre to me.

I don't understand why anyone would allow that.

Who wants to house share with another couple, let alone once you're into at least your 50s?

Lentilweaver · 20/10/2024 08:25

exprecis · 20/10/2024 08:21

The partners thing is just incredibly bizarre to me.

I don't understand why anyone would allow that.

Who wants to house share with another couple, let alone once you're into at least your 50s?

Show quote history

Somebody told me off and asked if I want my DC to be having sex in cars when I said I won't allow partners to stay! ( small house in London). 🙄

Both my DC are too busy trying to get jobs and internships in this terrible economy to date anyway.

I do sometimes worry that I will be helping them out until I die, which is not what I anticipated. And yes, things have changed massively since our times. But still.....

greengreyblue · 20/10/2024 08:27

Dd24 lives away with friends since uni. Is completely independent apart from family Spotify!
DD20 lives at home and works. She bought a car that we contributed to as she didn't go to uni but she runs it and pays us board. As she lives at home she gets the odd lift out if not driving but she gives us lifts too.

Flatandhappy · 20/10/2024 08:27

I will always help my kids out when needed, I am quite proud of the fact that I have raised the kind of people who are nice to be around so don’t see why I wouldn’t . Eldest left home some years ago and is now married, we look after his DD a day a week, have done since she was 9 months old and will do until she goes to school. After that we will do before/after school/holiday care but we travel a lot so they know there are limits. Two younger ones live at home, 25yo DS is finishing his first year as a teacher as he did a Masters. We live in a stupidly expensive part of Sydney so the deal is he pays nothing but saves what his rent/expenses would cost. DD is just finishing Uni (also at home - it is really common here to stay home while at Uni). She has a job starting January so the same deal will apply, we expect her to save as much as she can but we don’t take board. We live like four adults in a house and everyone does their bit. I always thought that if you treat children with respect from early on they will learn to do the same and we are lucky enough for that to have worked out. There are no arguments or fallings out. Maybe we are just a really strange family but it’s a nice way to live.

ExquisiteIyDecorated · 20/10/2024 08:29

It's a gradual process, as it was for me and my parents (now in their 80s). I remember DDad helping me with the more complicated bits of finances into my 20s. I definitely agree with training them to do things themselves but it can take a while (mine have SENs so may not be typical). Definitely not cut off at 18 though. From my own experience it gradually becomes more reciprocal, DF continued to help is with DIY into his 60s (he has a trade) as did DFIL but we help them with their computers and phones. DMum came out to pick me up one night last year when I got stranded by a train cancellation and DH was away. I give my DCs lots of lifts as neither drives yet and we are fairly rural but I love driving, have the time and have an economical car. Help with paperwork. Guide with other things.

Lovelynames123 · 20/10/2024 08:30

Well I'm 44 and my dps still help me out with anything I need, so I plan on doing the same with my dc. I wouldn't ask them anything unreasonable but we all help each other out, eg I helped my mum fill in some inheritance tax forms, give my dps lifts to the airport, they'll pick my dc up if I need it, have helped me financially in the past. In fact I just ordered something for my sister as her payment wouldn't go through, and she transferred me the money. Are families not supposed to always help each other out, if you're close?

Enko · 20/10/2024 08:32

Mime are 20 22 24 and 26. Within reason I help where they need. This includes lifts if needed. I quite like giving them lifts to somewhere as it's often a chance to have a bit of a one on one chat

They also all know they can always come home. There is always a space for them where dh and I live.

Lentilweaver · 20/10/2024 08:33

Another boundary that I would like to draw- not sure if I will succeed- is that I don't want to be providing regular childcare. I plan to be travelling the world by then. Happy to babysit occasionally, happy to help out in emergencies, but not regular one or two day a week childcare.

My mum is horrified by this, but I have had enough of parenting. There wont be any pressure from me for grandchildren either.
Let's see if I can manage to avoid that because it's common in Asian culture for women to dedicate their entire lives to child-rearing.

Shangrilalala · 20/10/2024 08:34

With older DD (early 20s), we work on the premise ‘whatever you need, whenever you need it’ but this only works because there’s mutual respect and no taking advantage.

Early to mid 20s are the years when they are learning to be an adult. I love watching her grow and become independent but to my mind this works best when everyone knows there’s a safety net there and she can fail but fail safely.

And I really don’t get the aversion to giving lifts…

greengreyblue · 20/10/2024 08:36

Definitely will always offer help if needed and I would expect them to do the same. It's what families do. If we can't help we would say so. DD was flying home recently and had got her own way to the airport by train. On her return, all trains were cancelled so I offered to pick her up ( 30 mins away) just as I would to DH.

Sheknowsaboutme · 20/10/2024 08:38

Ill help out no matter how old they are. Being a parent is for life.

exprecis · 20/10/2024 08:39

I think it's normal to help your family members out but something I see much more of on Mumsnet than IRL is it all being one way - posters doing loads for their adult children but not expecting anything in return. I think young adult children should also be helping out their parents too

Mairzydotes · 20/10/2024 08:42

My dd is 19 and I was more independent at thar age when she is. I feel like she expects me to do a lot of thinking on her behalf . I take responsibility for warmth , shelter and food , but not entertainment

I expect communication.
I cook evening meal, breakfast and lunch they do themselves. I provide food , but they can buy things they would prefer. I do they laundry by type, not by person. It is the responsibility of dd ( and dh) to have their laundry in the basket in time. They need to make their own travel arrangements, unless it is an emergency, or a special journey.

I haven't asked for financial contributions.