If you have young adult children.....

[CurlewKate]

......say over 18. Are you a typical mumsnetter and think that they are completely out on their own? So you refuse lifts, support, money, food, help with form filling, refuge if things go wrong because "they're adults now" Or are you like me, and happy to be helpful and needed if required until I'm too old and decrepit to do it.

Eldest, 21 at uni still. We pay towards this, plus use of my car when home plus family holiday. I don't expect fiinancial contribution unless extensive car use, I do expect them to get part time job to fund everything else. I also expect their time to help out at home and to respect my home, give me lifts etc

After studies I don't expect to support them financially unless something drastic happens or they need more career training to achieve their career. If they needed to stay at home short term that's fine but would need to pay rent.

Expect same for other daughter

Really? The typical MN view seems to be that your children can treat you like absolute shit, without consequence, until they're about 25 because "their brains are still developing", that it's the height of cruelty to have working adults pay rent or bills, and that paying huge expenses such as house deposits and driving lessons for your kids are just part and parcel of being a parent.

Teenagers and young adults I read about on here seem far more comfortably provided for than pretty much any I know IRL.

I've never got on with the attitude that kids should pay their own way from the day they turn 18, or even earlier. They can live with us as long as they want, with only two requirements: 1) mutually respectful behaviour, 2) if not earning then they use their time constructively, or, if they are earning then they save towards having their own place. We support them to develop their independence, but, equally, support them in their needs - just like dh and I support each other.

Because my young adult children are my flesh and blood I will always help them if I can. In much the same way as they might help me when I’m in need. They work hard, make an effort with all aspects of their lives but occasionally they’re have come unstuck and needed help. And I have stepped in when I can whether it’s financial or health or emotional support or just doing something with kindness or mindfulness. I will always treat both my kids fairly and with consideration.

Its all balance

Happy to help but the question is, does it encourage their growth and make their life easier in the long run?

Am I going to book an appointment for them because they can’t find the number or don’t want to talk to someone in the phone. No, I’m not. I would be actively contributing to stunting their development and perpetuating any anxiety.

Am I going to help with numbers and contacts for a plumber when they’ve experienced an issue in their home. Of course! Am I happy to go round and make sure the door is open so my child can go to work, of course! But I’m not calling the plumber to making the arrangements or deal with the plumber. That is up to them.

Im here to help, not enable.

My eldest 2 are 30 and 24.

My 30 yr old lives in the same village and I see him a couple of times a week. He very much has his own life, but knows that whatever he needs, he only has to ask..... but I don't interfere, or overindulge with my time as we're both busy.

My 24 year old is in the RAF so lives a few hundred miles away.
We speak or text a couple times a week.
He's just bought a house where he works so settled...but again, he knows he only has to call and I'll be there for him whatever.

You don't stop being a parent just because they're over 18 !

I have young(ish) adult children and they are definitely not out on their own. I love helping them - giving them a bit of money, looking after them if they need a place to stay for a while between homes. I adore my DC and time spent with them. Showing young adult children that you love them, care about their physical and emotional welfare and that they will always be central in your life seems natural and honest to me.

When they were at uni, I didn't expect them to have a term time job as I wanted them to study but did nudge them to find holiday jobs.

I wouldn't mollycoddle them. If they moved home with no inclination to move back out, then I'd expect them to find full time work and pay towards household bills. But we've helped them move house, redecorate, they and their partners have lived with us for longish temporary periods while they sorted out new homes/jobs.

Half and half - my dd is 17 though. I expect her to go to college/ work / friends on the bus - she does have a free bus pass though, I would go pick her up if she was completely stranded.

money wise I pay for her college meals and her phone bill and guides ( including if they go on holiday) and some clothing (ie new trainers at the start of the school year and a coat) but she works now and pays for clothes she wants .

I will continue this until she leaves college, after 18 1/2 .

after that it will probably depend on if she’s in uni or working.

I would imagine I’m always able to help in an emergency, I can’t see that stopping.

I don’t have the funds to be the bank of mum and dad, but if she goes to uni I will probably carry on paying her phone bill / sending food parcels untill full time work .

it’s a really interesting question. You want to promote independence, but obviously don’t want your child to feel like they are alone in the world . My mum only covered food and board after 16 , and nothing since I was 18 ( she did buy a Henry hoover when I bought my house )

her free bus pass is an absolute saving grace, I do appreciate that it saves something like 500 a year (her dads a bus driver )

I'm here to help, not enable.

Exactly.

I'd say middling. I aim to give the kind of support I missed. Sympathetic ear, bit of financial help in tricky times, odd surprise gift/help. A welcoming home to come back to when/if needed.
Younger one, all of the above plus encouragement and support to get the right education for her/driving lessons etc

I'm very much of the view that I will be available to help in whatever way I can for as long as I can, and I've made that very clear to my dd.

Having said that, my dd (19) is very capable and very independent and doesn't like to ask for much help. She's at uni so we do help financially and drove her there etc, but she's generally of the view that, if she can do something for herself, then she should. She isn't afraid to ask for help when she needs it though, and she knows that I'll always say yes if I can.

My parents would have always helped me as an adult as well, if I had asked. Like dd, I didn't generally need much help, but it was very nice to know that I had a safety net there if I needed it.

DS is 19. He works full time, drives, owns his own car. So he doesn't need money or lifts. He and his mates seem to organise 'designated driver' between them so that the others can drink on nights out.

I'd offer to help with filling in forms if he needed it, but he's pretty independent and irritated at being fussed over.

I cook tea for us as a family, and he either eats it - or suddenly announces he is going out/doesn't want it in which case I usually freeze his dinner/feed it to the dog, depending on what I've cooked.

Refuge? He's 19 and lives at home. Pays £200 board and lodge, which seems a fairly token contribution.

I don't do his laundry unless I'm feeling generous enough to sweep it off his floor and throw it in the wash.

You help them, if needed. But let them mature into adults.

I would say that I ‘help’, but not ‘do’, unless it was an emergency. I don’t think it helps teens to develop resilience and grit if everything is done for them. Emergency/neurodiverdity/additional needs aside.

The reality is that we can’t always be there, so having the skills to- get public transport, ask for help, address an issue at work, rectify a mistake etc etc etc are vital and very basic imo. I also think teens are way more capable than we imagine, if they really want or need something.

I am funding uni, so I don’t extend this to financial independence, as I think that’s my job whilst she’s at uni, alongside the min loan. She would equally always be welcome to live at home whilst starting out/saving up.

My guilty pleasure is WIWIKAU where there is a lot of ‘doing’ going on, to levels that I had no idea anyone did for their teenagers/young adults!!!!

Mine are 13-17 but i will always help them, theres a difference between doing everything for them so they cant even cook for themselves and cant pay a bill without help and kocking them out and never giving them support with anything.

mine all cook a family meal once a week, help with housework etc. i give them lifts if i am available but it me and DH are out then DD has to walk to and from work on a saturday for example. Its just gove and take.

might change my mind if they are 25, not got a job and still living at home doing nothing!

Mine are 26,25,22 and 20. All live independently apart from the youngest who is at uni. I’m always on hand if needed but bar one, they aren’t local.

I always thing the saddest thing in life is foster kids having to fend for themselves as soon as they turn 18. It's heartbreaking as we are not even aware of the little ways we support our kids after that age with dinners/ beds/ chat/ advice/ sometimes money/ and just always a welcoming place. Two of my dc are ferociously independent and ask for very little but we are always there if necessary especially with advice about life stuff like cars, jobs etc. One is a bit more dependent mainly due to having ADHD so needs support with organisation etc. I will be always here but step back as far as possible so they can stand on their own two feet.

I'll always help out DS, regardless of his age. I also don't think age should define the person...people mature at different rates, as does their emotional intelligence. One size/age does not fit all.

I think that I expected a lot of my children when they were younger in terms of independence- maybe more than average. So I never worried about them actually being able to look after themselves- I just don't think they always have to. Sometimes life is tough- if I can smooth it for them I will. And even when life isn't tough, no harm in the occasional treat!

I help my adult kid if I can

My son is 19 working full time but still at home I still do his washing, cooking etc, he drives but I will happily pick him up/drop off if he wants if, I will continue to do this as long as I can, when he has children I hope to be able to help with childcare etc or anything else I can do to help

Will do anything my kids ask within reason as long as they want me to x

All I do is give lifts. It seems to be my main occupation.

My dd was eighteen last week and last weekend we went to a university open day. I was hanging around in the reception area and people were arriving and university students were checking them in with an ipad. And about ninety percent of the time, when the student asked the prospective student their name...one of the parents answered for them. I was agog.

@FortyFacedFuckers "My son is 19 working full time but still at home I still do his washing, cooking etc,"
Ah, now I don't do this- I've expected mine to take a share in family life all their lives from as soon as they could. I probably did more cooking and cleaning and so on than they did when they were young adults, but I certainly expected them to contribute.

Dd is early 20s living at home and working full time. Doesn’t pay any rent but is going back to uni in Sept so happy that she’s “saving” for now. I bought her a car so don’t have to give lifts. I’d definitely help with paperwork if she asked me to.

she does her own cooking and laundry but I buy all the food!