If you have young adult children.....

[CurlewKate]

......say over 18. Are you a typical mumsnetter and think that they are completely out on their own? So you refuse lifts, support, money, food, help with form filling, refuge if things go wrong because "they're adults now" Or are you like me, and happy to be helpful and needed if required until I'm too old and decrepit to do it.

I have posted too much on this thread because it is a subject I am interested in, so forgive me...
I have noticed lately that parents are supposed to help out constantly- fund house deposits, provide regular childcare, even pay for holidays- but there is no expectation for kids to take them into their homes or help them out when older.

Also noticed a lot of vitriol towards 60 something parents who are wealthy/travel but don't fund their kids or babysit regularly, and advice on the lines of "Well they reap what they sow". It seems parents have to do two loads of childcare before qualifying for a visit in their care homes!

In my book the help should go both ways, yes.

I got zero help from my parents and left that home at 16. Stood on my own two feet from then.

For that reason, I know how it felt to be the bottom of the list and with no one who could help me out with anything I do all I can to help my kids.

I never want my kids to feel like that.

I will always help my two. I left home at 18 and whilst my DF was very good alot if it including money I had to figure out alone and it was very hard. I felt very vulnerable and I still do.

Whether they need it or not my two know they always have my support and they can come to me.

Somehow I'm bits of both ends of this spectrum as regards where teen DCs live, but most of that was Lockdown necessity.
DD was just 16 when we moved her partner in with us for months (because he was otherwise homeless in Lockdown 1). By the end of that year they both had their own flat, though we supported a lot with lifts, money and practical support.

I'm sure most people are in the middle ground of neither treating their 26 year old like an 11 year old nor treating them like a stranger.

I will always give support I can give but I also think it should be support he needs. Not just it would be easier if mum did it so I dont need to take initiative or responsibility for my choices. Or I have a choice of mums life being harder or mine so I will make mums harder.

I'm in Ireland, the rental market is nuts.
Mine (21 and 22 DS's) live at home, eldest works full time, youngest in college and works part time.

We pay health insurance and cover their phones (family plan).
I rarely cook for them, they sort themselves. Both drive, eldest has his own car, youngest drives DH's.
We are generous at Christmas and Birthdays but so are they.
I saved €50 a month for both and gave them €5k each at 21. Eldest went travelling while youngest still has his in the bank.
DH has money set aside for a deposit for a house for each (€50k) they are not aware of this, when they are ready to think about buying a home we will speak with them.

I don't want to wait until we die to help them. Also don't want them Wishing us dead for money.

I don't subscribe the incorrect view that many mumsnetters spout that young people become responsble, mature adults who have all the life admin skills they require the minute they become 18. DD has a summer birthday and didn't turn 18 until after leaving school.

However, she took a gap year and worked and volunteered and learned to be much more independent and by the time she went to university at 19 she was better prepared than a lot of her peers.

She then stayed on in her university city for work. The only things she has asked for guidance on were things like dealing with council tax and sourcing utilties provider, but these are things that I see questions about on MN from much older adults. She has temporarily moved back home before going away again to another university for her masters. She has offered to pay for board and lodging, but I have told her to save her money for university. Her masters will take 2 years and although she will get an NHS bursary it won't be enough.

She does all the meal planning and most of the cooking. I do her washing because we wash by colour not by person. I am at home more because I WFH most the of the time. DD has a job that you can't work from home.

If DD needed help with anything of course I will help. I do it willingly because she is my daughter, and also because I know full well that she is capable of looking after herself. She used to be a very anxious and unconfident teenager, but you wouldn't recognise the person she is now. Living independently and, more importantly, having a job where she has to deal with the public has been the making of her.

Oh, and I would give lifts because public transport round here is dire and DD is medically unable to drive.

The only help I give my daughter, now 35, is a listening ear and emotional encouragement. and it was pretty much that way from the moment she moved out aged 22. She's very independent and that suits me. Even when younger she was keen to do form filling and the UCAS application by herself and that's how it should be. Up till she left school my Dad would give her lifts home late at night, but that was all.

So glad I don't have to give lifts as the DC tube or walk everywhere!
Also, I don't have a car ( calculated decision).

I am the adult child (28). I’m very independent and don’t receive help from my mother. I wouldn’t dream of asking either.

However, when I bought my house last year (no help with the deposit btw), my mother gifted me money towards a washing machine and fridge freezer. She did this because I didn’t have my own due to renting previously. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful.

I have a 16 year old so it's not relevant yet but frankly not everyone can afford to financially support their adult kids, as a single person with bills and rent I won't be able to financially help him much. I have a little money earmarked for university and he will always have a roof over his head here but things like buying him a car/house deposit is out of the question.

DS is 23 and still lives at home and pays rent and his own phone, I did buy him his first car, well I gave him mine which was worth about 6k.

He has done all his own laundry since 12 and does some stuff round the house.

He is saving for a house deposit, we will assist with a deposit, amount to be still be decided. If we end up with grandchildren I will be delighted and happily assist if asked. We are both just retired now at 56 and 58 so will have a few years of galavanting about before potential grandchildren arrive. DH and I both really enjoyed watching the children develop and helping them learn to read and understand the world, our DD very sadly died on the brink of adulthood so we never got to see what she was fully capable of.

Amongst my friendship group I have a friend who at 54 has a 10 year old and a friend at 59 who has just become a Grandmother. The age that you have children does somewhat influence how much assistance can be given as does financial circumstances obviously.

What the heck? Of course not. Of course they need support. My youngest dc is very capable and lives in London manages fine however we look at certain things together like finance or advise on cooking / food / health / whatever he needs pick him up from the station etc if visiting home, make sure we see him regularly etc.

This. There's nobody I love more than them. I'd do pretty much anything to make their lives easier / happier.

I think there is a middle way. I wanted my kids to be independent and forge their own lives so will give my thoughts if asked or in general conversation but they make decisions themselves. Financially I’ve helped my ds with money towards a house as it’s hard for kids and I had a small lump sum. I’ll help if he’s stuck for furniture/unexpected expenses. Same with dd. They will always have a home if necessary. My SIL however I think is nuts. She has an incredibly painful condition where NHS help has been useless so I suggested she pay for private diagnosis and treatment. She won’t because that’s her son’s inheritance-he has his own house and a well
paid managerial job with a prestigious company-she was a carer before she retired. I was horrified and said did she really think he’d want to see his mum in pain so she could give him money-she just said she wanted to help him. That’s extreme in my opinion.