Is it so rare to be one and done by choice?

[DYIDIY]

We have one DC and we might be one and done. Most people we speak to don’t seem to get it and keep making jokes and questioning why we wouldn’t give our DC a sibling. Well here is my list of reasons but despite it all people don’t get it:

1. I don’t feel the desire to have another DC. Had a difficult birth and a difficult first year with a high need baby and no family support other than DH, it was hard.
2. We are just getting close to the end of the nursery years and about to buy our first home, I cannot even start thinking about the idea of going through 4 more years of full time childcare costing us so much (London) whilst also paying for DC1 wrap around and high mortgage payments. We’d be struggling for years to come.
3. Love our balance as a family and we are a lovely trio, don’t have the desire to ruin or change that.
4. Linked to point 2 I guess, we can afford nice days out and clubs for DC. Life is good and with another DC we won’t be able to offer him the same amount of time, energy and money we have now.
5. We are almost 40 and don’t want to be an old parent
6. Just bought a 2 bed home that we can barely afford (London) and would struggle with space

What were your reasons and do people around you challenge this decision??

It's so not anyone else's business. I'm always astonished that people who would never, ever, in any other circumstances even ask about your health or financial decisions are so bold when discussing children, and the number you may, or may not, have. We have one. Lots of reasons for it, physical and emotional. When people ask me I always say, "Adding a child to the planet can add up to 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to the environment, and I can't justify doing it more than once." That's absolutely not the reason, but it's a relatively polite response in relation to my preferred one, which is "How is that your business?"

Good luck, OP.

It's no one's business. I don't understand why people think it's ok to interrogate people about this. Sometimes I just say, "I nearly died having him so don't fancy it again thanks."
The truth is that our one and only wasn't planned and I was ambivalent about having kids anyway. I have found it HARD. The impact on my career, my body etc compared to the frankly minimal impact on my husband's life.
Our marriage is in its death throes as it is. If we didn't have a child together I'd have been long gone.
But to answer your question, tell people to mind their own business. Your reasons are perfectly valid - "I just don't want to" is also perfectly valid. Enjoy your life with your one and only and ignore other people's stupid opinions.

I was one and done before my one had even arrived. At the end of one of the early midwife home visits post birth she said I’d got lucky with a sleeper etc and hoped the next one would be too. I said there won’t be a next one. She laughed and said “‘mark my words we’ll be seeing you back on the maternity ward”. No you won’t, love. I was also told by a mother of 3 (admittedly a tactless European) that she’d had 3 so they were a proper family as 1 child didn’t make a proper family.

My amazing son is 21 now and I’m so glad I just have him. The level of support I can give him (time/money) is great.

"I nearly died having him so don't fancy it again thanks."

@MakingPlans2025 - brilliant response, although I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time of it.

It took 9 years for my episiotomy scar to heal. I couldn’t climb stairs, never mind make a second baby.

4/6 of our NCT group are one and done by choice.

I say this every time a similar post gets started. I have one, i am an only and my husband is an only (I was a mistake and my husband was a lovely surprise as in laws didn't think they could have children). My daughter is nearly 15 and I have been asked probably about twice if I wanted more and this was when my daughter was small. I think, if someone had then banged on and asked more questions I'd have just looked at them blankly and probably cried or at least said something dramatic and untrue to stop them ever asking anyone else about their fertility/sex life.

It's only by being on Mumsnet that I have found out that being an only child or having an only child is such a BIG THING! It is utterly bizarre to me.

What i would say op is that you writing your list seems like you are justifying it just shut the conversation down. Do you want any more - no. They can't make you have a conversation or answer questions. Like when someone offers you a slice of cake - no thanks.

We were one and done before ours even arrived. I did not enjoy pregnancy, had a hard labour and birth, and they did not sleep more than half an hour for the first 5 months of life. I have absolutely zero desire to have any more. I am genuinely baffled by people going on to have two, three, more etc because I just have never felt that desire.

We also have a decent standard of living and a nice lifestyle, which we would have to change if we had more DC. We provide very well for DD and wouldn't want that to change from a financial perspective.

When people ask me if we're having any more I usually counter it with 'Why should we?' and then pause for an answer, which often leaves people a bit stumped and realising they are being rude.

I’m one and done by choice but always get told your child needs a sibling or shocked reactions.

Based only on others reactions, I also feel like it’s rare to be one and done by choice. I think a lot of people who stop at one do so for fertility or finances reasons.

I could afford a second but the opportunities I want to give I can only afford for 1, not 2.

That is an excellent way to tackle it.

I've been thinking a lot about this. I'm pregnant with our first child and have just turned 40. My partner is already talking about a possible second. Even apart from worries around age, I am not at all sure for so many reasons.

I have not had an enjoyable pregnancy, and have been unable to work for the better part of a year because of it. I can't wait to have my body back and not be constantly sick and in pain. I have a career which took a while to get going so is still in the early stages and which I care about, but I also want to be a present and attentive mother. That's going to be tricky to balance with one child, the thought of adding another makes it sound impossible (unless my partner decides he would like to do most of the childcare, but even then pregnancy and breastfeeding are unavoidably my job!). There are older women in my field who have one or no children, but I don't know any with two or more. Then we're also pretty broke and renting in an expensive area, like you we may be able to buy at some point in the next few years, but again add another child and that looks impossible again. I also see so many friends who seem really happy with their first child, then suddenly haggard and exhausted when they add a second! My partner has some previous mental issues which he's done so well with, but I feel like doing the 2 under 2 thing could risk that, and also negatively affect our relationship. Most of all I just feel such an overwhelming happiness imagining out life as a 3 person family, and a sinking feeling of dread and panic when I try to imagine managing as a family of 4!

I do find it difficult as I love my sister and feel as if life would feel less tethered if she didn't exist. But I know happy adult only children, and hopefully there'd be a cousin or two at some point to foster a good relationship with. I do sort of wish this baby had been twins to take the decision out of our hands!

I'm one and done, I've gotten used to just saying "nope, we just don't want anymore, end of." and then leave it at that. No point providing a big list of reasons to the kind of nosy arseholes who would question your reproductive choices in the first place. They'll just see any reason as something to argue against because they cannot fathom another human choosing to do things differently to them.

I find people who have rigid ideas about the number of children you should have, age gaps between them etc to be very weird. I would usually be non committal and not give too much information or get into a discussion about it.

Honestly there are so many only children in my nephew's class (of 7 and 8 year-olds) that it's hard to believe it's all due to circumstance. I suspect most are by choice (including my nephew) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Let people think what they think, it's absolutely none of their business.

I’ve actually never been asked this before by anyone

We are one and done by choice, and in our biggest mutual friendship group we're the only couple that stopped at 1 child. Everyone else has 2 or 3, but in that group no one has ever questioned it. Sometimes in a deep conversation with a close friend it might come up but I know that person well enough to know it's not a dig but coming from a genuine and natural place rather than being nosy or making a judgement. And all of those close friends have kids who get on amazingly with our child and so are more like cousins than friends as they've known each other their whole lives.
I hate it when people say "just the one kid then?" or "only one?" - the use of just and only making the judgement that my child is not enough. We made a choice based on my mental health, the fact we lived abroad for a while meaning having a second child without any family support, and that we loved our lifestyle of being able to go on nice holidays as a family and having money to spend on both our child and on us too. Those might not be choices other people make for themselves or their family, and they certainly aren't what I'd tell some nosy fucker who wants to judge me for my choice.
Plus, both my husband and I have siblings and they have brought us nothing but trauma and headaches as kids growing up and also as adults. Why would I want to risk inflicting that kind of relationship on my child when i know how badly sibling relationships can go?

We were one and done for several reasons 1. Time it took to conceive 2.my age 3. Most importantly for us, DS was an incredibly easy baby, a happy soul and great sleeper.
My answer to anyone asking was I couldn't get that lucky twice.
We could have afforded another but everything was so great we wanted to keep it that way.
He's 32 next week and he's grown into a lovely man who I'm very proud of.
No regrets.

I was on the older side when I had my first child (40) and so I don’t know if that has a bearing on it but I’m an anomaly in my friendship group. Most of the others only have one.

Only have one and happy with it! It is no one else's business really. I get asked a lot, I had postpartum psychosis and was really poorly so I couldn't put myself or my family through that again!!

They are probably stumped because asking if youre having another child in no way means the asker thinks you should be.

You think their question is rude, they think your answer is a non sequiter to the question.

It's not a question I would ask but ime most people who do are just making small talk, they dont have any negative motivation.

I've just recently returned to work after maternity leave (first time mum).

My partner and I always assumed before we got pregnant that we would have 2-3 children however we have discussed over the year whether or not we would go for a second. He was on the fence whereas I very much wanted a second.

We both need to work to pay the mortgage but made the decision that I would go back to work part time - it's a big financial hit and things will be tight however we felt it was right for us as a family as we could make it work and I desperately wanted the time with my child.

We recently did some financial forecasting and I cannot see how we can afford another child with mortgage rates / cost of childcare / cost of living - unless I went back to work full time. So we are left with the position of either giving our child a sibling or a present parent. We have no family nearby so if I went back to work full time it would always be long days at nursery / long hours at school.

When it's come up in conversation that we might be one and done - from my in-laws to strangers on the train(!!!) - the response is always one that makes you feel guilty about the decision(!). It infuriates me!!! They say finances shouldn't come into it - that a second won't cost as much etc etc - but with the monthly cost in childcare that statement just feels so far from reality.

For me I'm trying to wrap my head around it all and want to focus on the positives of having one and am now choosing to ignore others people's negative opinions on the matter!

I only have one, he's 19 now and I can honestly say it is probably the best and happiest decision I have ever made. Give it a few years and no one will mention it again IME, it just seems to be a thing when you have a 3/4/5 year old.

Our reasons? We don’t want a second child. End of discussion 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄

I've got a very demanding 6 month old. My only one and she's made me think she's enough for me as I don't think I could deal with this again.. I've also had minimal help from anyone, even DH as he starts work at 4am so he comes home tired etc. but then I feel like I want her to have a sibling as I want her to have someone to play with etc when she grows up. Maybe once she's less demanding then I'll think about another!

But if you are happy with one then I don't see why anyone else's opinion matters. Do what makes you happy and content x

I have one dd14. Conceived through ivf when I was 27. Never used contraception since then and I didn't want to jinx my lovely ivf experience (conceived 1st time) through having potential disappointments and/ or miscarriages. Don't know if that counts as a choice? If it had happened naturally then it would've been a miracle.

I've never had any negative comments from anyone. Several positive ones like 'you've made the right decision having 1', usually by parents run ragged looking after multiples.

On balance I'm really pleased with how things worked out. Dd is amazing, we have a wonderful life full of holidays, social activities, dc hobbies etc. our lives are calm and we love being a 'three' (plus dog).

I understand that there are many reasons for being 'done at one'. My mother had her reasons which I fully understand.

As the (only child) son of an 86 year old mother I can say that I crave a sibling. It can be bloody hard work being an only child.