Is it so rare to be one and done by choice?

[DYIDIY]

We have one DC and we might be one and done. Most people we speak to don’t seem to get it and keep making jokes and questioning why we wouldn’t give our DC a sibling. Well here is my list of reasons but despite it all people don’t get it:

1. I don’t feel the desire to have another DC. Had a difficult birth and a difficult first year with a high need baby and no family support other than DH, it was hard.
2. We are just getting close to the end of the nursery years and about to buy our first home, I cannot even start thinking about the idea of going through 4 more years of full time childcare costing us so much (London) whilst also paying for DC1 wrap around and high mortgage payments. We’d be struggling for years to come.
3. Love our balance as a family and we are a lovely trio, don’t have the desire to ruin or change that.
4. Linked to point 2 I guess, we can afford nice days out and clubs for DC. Life is good and with another DC we won’t be able to offer him the same amount of time, energy and money we have now.
5. We are almost 40 and don’t want to be an old parent
6. Just bought a 2 bed home that we can barely afford (London) and would struggle with space

What were your reasons and do people around you challenge this decision??

We're one and done by choice for all the same reasons really. I do believe that love multiplies when you have another child, but nothing else does! I don't have the money, time or patience for more than one child and he will be best off with me accepting that!

It's a less common choice for sure, but not enough so that people have commented on it to us. But he is only just 3 so maybe we'll get more comments in future. The important people to us know we're one and done and haven't said anything negative about it.

For strangers, it's very rude of them to comment but I find people who feel bold enough to make rude comments aren't going to change. So I just repeat that we've made our choice and then refuse to engage with it anymore.

That’s genius, going to use that from now on!

As a woman with a sibling, I can honestly say I spent my entire childhood craving to be an only child. My brother and I loathed each other and made each other's entire childhoods miserable. Our inability to get on impacted the relationships with my parents and made our home so miserable that I spent my preteen and teen years suicidal. I'd rather my only child son wished he had a sibling, rather than wishing he was dead.

Yes that's an extreme example, but you can't make these decisions based on how your child might hypothetically feel about it in the future. No one can predict how sibling relationships turn out.

We're one and done by choice, and there are a fair few the same in DS' class. I've never been asked or told I should have more. The only comments of this nature was in mat leave with oh they're so lovely at this age after you planning anymore? Mainly from colleagues, and when I said no that was fully accepted as a reasonable answer.

I know many who are one and done by choice. Not that rare at all.

My brother doesn't lift a finger in his own home let alone support me or our parents despite wanging on about how important family is and when my gran was dying not one of my mum's three brothers did anything care/support related. You have rose tinted spectacles

I love having one. I would have liked two but my mental and physical health weren't in the right place for it. Maternity (un)care in my case left me feeling traumatised. My husband is a little older and has obviously autistic relatives. I would not have coped with a severely autistic child and I also had a difficult time with one of my siblings growing up (we do get on better now). We live far from family for work reasons so we had no 'village'. DD has ADHD (low level) and really poor sleep, her lack of sleep almost broke me.

For all these reasons we stuck with one. It was the right decision so far. Many of my friends have made the same choice. DD is thriving and has so many opportunities in life because we can travel with her and pay for extracurricular activities. She has tonnes of friends, a pet, opportunities and one day will inherit enough to give her freedom and choices. We have a lovely relationship with her. We feel very, very fortunate.

The average birth rate per woman in UK is about 1.7 children.

So it's not that unusual anymore.

Don't worry about it OP.

That’s a bit rude - I’m European, one and done, and I had this kind of interaction from people of all nationalities, many of them British.

I was being vague but it was a Dutch woman. I was married to a Dutch man for years so stand by my comment on lack of tact! Never had it from a British person.

Knew it would be Dutch!

There's always one lol.

Thanks all for sharing your stories, it’s so nice to hear from likeminded people on this matter.

Agree with Myothercar- far worse to have a sibling (yes-Brother usually)! who doesn't do anything to help with the dying parent.
I am childfree by choice and have had the odd bit of judgment but generally no one says anything (to my face anyway) not that I care!

I have one. We would have maybe wanted one more but it never happened. I think subconsciously I didn't want to be pregnant again I hated it and had a tough time.
There is a definite judgement from others and maybe an assumption that I can't possibly be happy with one.
My only worry is for her when we aren't here but that's not a reason to have a child. I'm too old now anyway.

Why on earth would anyone comment the fact we have one is of no interest to anyone else

Sorry to hear things are sometimes hard.
The other life you could have had not lived isn't known.
When you read the threads on here if people going no contact with horrible siblings it's clear a sibling isn't always a bonus.
But that doesn't take away any validity from your desire for a good sibling, and your reasons for feeling this way.

Well, I would have thought the same, but it appeared to cause lots of feeling in total strangers I encountered at neighbours’ barbecues, just as my being contentedly childfree in my 30s, despite being in a happy longtime relationship, seemed to cause consternation before that.

Some people, I conclude, are very triggered by lives that look easier than their own, whether that’s no child, or one child.

In my circle a single child (or no children) are the norm. Two or more are definitely the exception.

@Rarebitten I agree with your last sentence, I really do think it's triggering for some!

It certainly does seem it provokes alot of debate. Many older colleagues of mine have divulged that they wished they'd stayed childfree or had only 1 child. One tells me to not dare have another 🤣

Just to add some stats, the current fertility rate in the UK is 1.49 and falling fast. Single child families, if not already the norm (they certainly are among some demographics) will soon be in the near future, as they are in South Korea.

One and done by choice here! If it hadn’t taken nearly 5 years and IVF to have our daughter maybe we would have considered it but I don’t think so. No desire for another child and I definitely don’t want to go through pregnancy or birth again so that’s that. Lots of pros to choosing life with one child though.

Isn't it awful how people, even complete strangers, feel thry have the right to comment on our personal reproductive choices.
I'm childfree by choice and my sister had one child and we both got endless commens, questions, open criticism. Ugh. Mind your own business!

I always comment on these threads. I have one child by choice and am happy with the decision. I've rarely had comments on it in real life - the only place where it seems to provoke a reaction is Mumsnet!