Is it so rare to be one and done by choice?

[DYIDIY]

We have one DC and we might be one and done. Most people we speak to don’t seem to get it and keep making jokes and questioning why we wouldn’t give our DC a sibling. Well here is my list of reasons but despite it all people don’t get it:

1. I don’t feel the desire to have another DC. Had a difficult birth and a difficult first year with a high need baby and no family support other than DH, it was hard.
2. We are just getting close to the end of the nursery years and about to buy our first home, I cannot even start thinking about the idea of going through 4 more years of full time childcare costing us so much (London) whilst also paying for DC1 wrap around and high mortgage payments. We’d be struggling for years to come.
3. Love our balance as a family and we are a lovely trio, don’t have the desire to ruin or change that.
4. Linked to point 2 I guess, we can afford nice days out and clubs for DC. Life is good and with another DC we won’t be able to offer him the same amount of time, energy and money we have now.
5. We are almost 40 and don’t want to be an old parent
6. Just bought a 2 bed home that we can barely afford (London) and would struggle with space

What were your reasons and do people around you challenge this decision??

@Paisleydad yeah but a child should be had if parents desire it, not to create some company for child n1.
Even if you had a sibling, they could be living abroad or maybe your relationship might not be good… you just don’t know

How nice to see a man pop up and tell a thread full of women talking about their long-term health issues, lost career opportunities, post-partum psychosis and experiences of miscarriage and fertility treatments that he wishes he had siblings, as if it's not an extremely obvious consideration that's already been discussed in the thread by multiple posters...

I love my toddler and I don’t regret him at all but I sometimes wish I was one and done. Older one is nearly a teenager and I get so depressed thinking about all the freedom I could have if we had just stuck with older one. Going back babyhood after such a long gap is hard.

I feel almost at peace with the decision but do feel guilty when you see adult only children on this site who cite all the reasons they hate it. However all the adult onlies I’ve met in real life seem really well adjusted and happy and often want to have one child themselves.

If your dc is 3/4 then people will stop asking you in another year or two. We have an only by choice although we didn’t decide for definite till he was around 5. People stopped asking about six months after he started school.

Yes, I found them to be similar to the kind of people who have rigid ideas about relationships and how many you should have had before ‘settling down’. I met DH as second year undergraduates, which is young, absolutely, but some people have seemed absolutely outraged I hadn’t put it around more before meeting my life partner. (Something that has never cost me a moment’s thought.)

I have one child by choice because I wanted to see what it was like to be a parent. Now I know. DS is fabulous, but it genuinely never occurred to me to do it again. Why would I? I actually find people who automatically think that you have to have more than one child if you have any quite odd.

Jesus christ, this place can be toxic.

But having a sibling can also be hard work. My brother has severe mh issues, but won't accept help and has caused the family huge heartache with his behavior over the last 20 years. My best friend grew up with her brother who bullied her their entire childhood and they have no contact now as adults. Some of my friends have excellent relationships with their siblings. You just don't know how that r'ship is going to be and can never guarantee that you'll be happy with or without siblings.

This is why the birthrate is falling in very many developed countries globally.

You missed inheritance off your list - one kid means they are guaranteed to have a roof over their head, and a very decent windfall if they liquidate.

2+ kids means a nice windfall but perhaps not enough to buy a house each

No increasingly normal to have 1 dc I'd say. I have 3 dc and even after having number 3, people asked when I'd be having the next - I think it's just the sort of thing people say, I don't think it's a judgement on your choice.

We only have one and it was intentional. We’re both only children too, so it’s usual for us.
As a PP mentions, the only time I craved a sibling was when my dad was at end of life and when my mum was ill a few years ago. But I managed. ❤️

I didn't know any only children growing up, but it seems that at least a third of my 6 yo DS's class are. I don't know how many are by choice, but I assume it must be a fair few.

I would say the experience is a mixed bag. We've not had the hassle of going through the baby years a second time, but we also have had to become his playmate more than a typical parent would, so in the long-run it can be a lot of work. I am one of 3 and was told to go play with my siblings whilst my parents did other things most of the time. I have a very close relationship with DS which is nice though, and the parents I know with two seem more stressed out.

She has a point. Women have to make the baby, from scratch, using their own bodies, and then push it out of themselves or else be surgically sliced open. This is a significant undertaking with the potential for substantial medical complications. It's then usually the woman's pension and career that suffer whilst raising the child, not the man's.

Your comment demonstrated at best a lack of awareness of what I've just described. At worst, you already knew all that and displayed a profound lack of empathy for the woman who made you, laboured to give birth to you, and raised you.

And, as other posters have said, there's no certainty that you'd even like your siblings. I don't like mine and the feeling is mutual.

We were one and done. Lots of reason and had the odd wobble about it but now DS is 20 I have zero regrets.

I never felt the need to justify this or explain it to anyone else though. It was just never mentioned at all. We had a child and never talked about having a second to anyone and that was simply accepted (maybe it wasn't but no one was ever intrusive/rude enough to bring up the subject).

Who cares what other peoples reasons are?

You don't want a second. End of.

We are one and done by choice.

DD was an incredibly easy baby, slept well, jolly and mostly well behaved. I obviously love my daughter but I didn’t like the job of being a parent.

In fact I hated the whole experience. The monotony and the unrelenting needs of a child. I hated the lack of freedom, the lack of spontaneity and the restrictive nature of being a parent. I was so bored by it.

She’s 23 now and I’m glad I never felt the need to do it again. DH is an only, I have siblings so it’s not that we’re both only children.

Had dd when I was 35 so there was still time to squeeze another one in.
Easy pregnancy- diagnosed with gestational diabetes- but it was no problem and easy to manage.
Dd was a big baby and I was induced but it wasn't terrible and it wouldn't have put me off having another.
I quite fancied a boy, dh wanted a girl. I didn't feel I'd missed out by having a girl.
Dd slept through from 2 weeks!
By the time she'd started school we'd not even discussed having another.
We planned a baby, we had a baby.

I rate anyone who tries to insist on others validating their own life choices in this way, a little bit lower as a friend, tbh. People who jump in with both feet into what could be sensitive topic, tend to be dickish in other areas too. Nobody is owed any explanation for this kind of key life choice. Don’t give it the headspace.

Definitely no doubt around having only one child. Each to their own, as long as you can (mostly) afford a reasonable life, allowing for none of us knowing what might be around the corner.

Actually, on a thread where many women were recounting the judgement they feel society places on them for not having multiple children then I think your initial comment is more toxic than any of the responses you have received.

I think it's less rare than you think. But I think people feel judged when they say it so mumble something vague like "it didn't happen for us" to avoid people prying further.

I’m surprised people are surprised. I know lots of people who have one child and it’s becoming more common.

I’m not in the least self-conscious about my decision to have one child — the shock and outrage and cries of ‘An only is a lonely!’ came as a surprise to me, as I have always managed to prevent myself from saying ‘Why did you have three? What a weird idea!’

We were one and done and, 20 years later, have never regretted it.

No one's ever commented either.

You might get the Lonely Only crowd popping up on the thread. They can't help themselves!

The only way to have a family is a boy then a girl 2.5 years apart. Do not have one more. Do not have one less.