What is best for my kids - my time or my money?

[LifeD1lemma]

I’m going round and round in circles about this - sorry it is long. I always felt like my life was kind of temporary/just starting out but it’s dawning on me that this is my kids’ childhood and it’s what they will remember when they are older. I also recognise that I am very privileged to have this choice.

I’m a lawyer working in the City. Im 10 pqe and 1 year away from partnership (apparently, these things have a way of being delayed!). I’ve got 2 kids aged 6 and 4. DH is an academic and earns a fraction of what I do, but on the plus side is around more for the kids - he does pick up 3 days/week and we have a nanny the other 2 days, so they’re not in ASC. I do drop offs 4-5 days a week and also manage to get home by 6pm most nights (though I then have to log in and work much later).

I just feel though that I’m not getting enough time with the kids atm. I want to be able to pick them up from school sometimes and do play dates and do their homework with them.

I could step back from my career and go in house, or, more radically, leave London and move somewhere cheaper and stop work completely for a while. On the other hand, if I stick it out and make partner we would have much more money as a family. We could afford lovely holidays, a bigger house, maybe private school for the kids. My working hours would probs be a lot worse though, especially over the next couple of years.

There is no scope for DH to earn much more than he does atm so it’s all down to me really. And if I take time out now I’ll probably never be able to get back in again at this level, so it feels like a big decision.

When the kids are grown, will I look back and wish that I’d spent more time with them, or that we were better off financially?

DH and I are both from working class backgrounds with no family support either financially or physically (I’m Scottish, he’s Irish and we live in London so family far away). In the circles we mix in most people have local family and/or loads of financial support so I feel like we are constantly struggling even though objectively recognise we are doing well and parenting/working is a juggle for everyone.

If the roles were reversed would you be so worried?

Career now

I think either way the kids will be fine and it's more about what you want for you and for all of you as a family. More money especially in this economic climate is a massive plus. But time with this kids is important too and it sounds as if you feel there isn't enough for you with them at the moment. It's quite a personal decision I think, although I do appreciate how difficult it is.

Once you have enough to cover the basics - a roof , good food , warmth and a few pennies spare then you have enough to be as happy as the next person - more money won't make you happier, but spending time having fun with your family might well make you all happier

It's hard getting the balance - enough money , enough to protect against future shocks like a job loss or rampant inflation ; enough to save as well as spend , but it sounds like you know the balance is wrong for your family

Do you mean if DH worked full time and I was around a bit more?

If he was happy with that then I would be, and the kids would love it. They love DH obviously but I am still their preferred parent. DC1 particularly will sit at the window and watch for me to come home, which breaks my heart.

Overall I think the kids have a good amount of time with their parents, but it’s skewed towards DH and I just miss them and want to be with them more. Weirdly I feel it more now they are at school than when they were smaller as I could delegate play doh to the nanny but no so much eg their music practice or their reading, which I like to do with them.

My eldest is off to university next year. I doubt she will return home after, as she wants to spread her wings. I have been around for my children a lot, only working part time, and it still doesn’t feel like I’ve had enough time. I’ll miss her terribly. I do worry sometimes about not having the career I could have had, but ultimately I did make the right choice for our happiness. It’s a tricky decision to make.

I think if you could manage to do one pick up a week it would really help how you feel about time with your kids. Could you shuffle your hours so you WFH one afternoon and stop between 3 & 8pm?

Overall they don't even go to ASC which is pretty good going (although when they are older they might like to go) so they have a good amount of time at home without long days. Presumably you've done all exams so weekend time is mostly yours?

Kids need quality time with their main care givers, both parents if there are two. So your children have that, they have you and a dad in their lives giving them value and attention.

Your child sitting and waiting for you to come home would do that no matter what the job was and is it really realistic to think about only working nursery/school hours?

You can always earn more money in the future, but the kids will only be young once. All the money in the world can't buy that time back again.

You find a balance.

Being partner is a big money ticket but it's a lot of work (to get there and then when you're there it just carries on/gets worse).

That isn't the be-all.

However I wouldn't stop your career either, particularly in law. Work out what kind of salary suits the life you have now and what would make it a little better - not multiple luxury holidays (where you'll still be working) and private school for the kids (where you'll likely see them less), but just softening what you have a little more. Then work out what you can do to maintain and achieve this.

Maybe you go in-house. It's worth it to being around a little more and still bring in a substantial wage.

It's a difficult choice.
Do you ever get to go to assemblies etc? I think kids do value that.
I think the fact that your DH can pick them up is brilliant for them.
I think it's not that kids necessarily remember every detail but it creates security and confidence.
Personally I could have passed on playdates etc!
I also think if you can choose - be around more towards the end of primary and start of secondary - I reckon that's a really key time to be an involved parent.
As long as they have consistent and loving support from their Dad, they will be good for a couple of years. But I think if you want to have rapport and communication with them as they move into their teens you need to put the hours in before that age.

They need time and money, but probably not so much money that you have luxury holidays, bigger houses and private schools. If you can find a compromise that means you still earn enough money to have a comfortable if not luxurious lifestyle but can spend more time with them I would do that. I'm not sure children, especially young children care about having lots of money.

My DDs are teenagers and I would swap money for time if I could, but not at the expense of leaving my job altogether.

Thank you for the responses. I was expecting most to say what @TentEntWenTyfOur said (it’s definitely what our families think) so it’s interesting there is more of a range.

I think perhaps I am just feeling a bit over emotional about it and actually a big radical change isn’t necessary. You’re right @Clouddrifting that if I could do one pick up a week it would make a really positive difference.

Im not 100% sure that partnership is really for me - imposter syndrome is real - but I’ve got a while before that comes to the crunch so maybe I’ll give it some time and see how that decision plays out. I’m halfway through my two year track but need 100% utilisation next year which will be tough.

I’d pick family every time. The bond with children is way more important than money or what money can bring. Your time with your children will improve the bond which is critical as it is now and in their older years as adults.

I have seen children who have been brought with money or whose parents worked a lot and they tended to have fraught relationships with their parents at best. In their older years it created distance.

Children need their parents and if you can offer that, then I would prioritise that over career, ambition etc. especially if you are already successful in that area.

I just feel though that I’m not getting enough time with the kids atm. I want to be able to pick them up from school sometimes and do play dates and do their homework with them.

No job will let you log off 3pm to go for play dates so the options are continue as is or stop work for awhile. Given they are at school during the day, do you really want the latter?

6pm is a reasonable time to get home and you've worked hard for your career. Splash the ££ on week ends and nice holidays and have an amazing time then, they won't remember you being there are school pick up when they are older.

My DH and I quite often discuss this! We have a lot of friends who are high flyers but barely see their kids, and brush it off as a good thing as they're going to have more to spend, more holidays, gadgets etc.

My DH and I absolutely disagree. If you dropped dead tomorrow, your kids would miss YOU, not the gadgets and money you provide.

Time can never be reversed. Money can always be made later.

Every lawyer I know who moved in-house describes the shift in glowing terms. Slightly duller work, given they have just one client. Pressure off. Usually 9-5. Good pay and work conditions.

I'd do that.

It's not either /or. It's the balance between the two - enough of your time and enough of your money rather than one at the expense of the other.

What’s the situation with WFH like?

IMO that creates a lot more flexibility around school pick ups and so on.

I fundamentally agree with this. You can get rich at any time if you set your mind to it. But your children are only young once.

I think you'd be surprised. Being able to do drop offs and home at 6 sounds pretty decent, especially with DH able to do 3 pick ups! People always say your kids are only young once etc, however realistically your kids are not missing out on ANYTHING right now. Sounds like they're surrounded by people who love them as well as having the perks of a higher household income.

Depending on what you go on to do, presumably taking a step back would also have a huge impact on your career (especially if on track for partner now!) ~ in 10 years your kids will be teens, and will not care if you're in the house or not 😂 Will future you be glad you changed up your career for this?

100% the time with your children.

@MidnightPatrol I have to be in the office Tues-Thurs but usually wfh Monday and Friday (which are DH pick up days) so I do see them after school then, though usually have to shoo them out and stop them barging in on my calls etc!

@roses2 I guess I was thinking if I worked elsewhere I could compress hours or go part time, neither of which are really compatible with my current role.

I think this thread has been really helpful actually in making me realise that I’m not in a bad position at all and perhaps I should focus on what I have to be grateful for instead of worrying so much.

My dc like (most) after school clubs 😁. I would not give up being a city lawyer to serve up fish fingers on play dates, this is crazy talk! The mum guilt you feel needs addressing but the action might be to accept that you cannot do all the things all the time rather than give up an amazing career. Best of luck

I think they need both and its just about finding a balance. At the ages your DC are at they don't really need or care about money but they will do as they get older.

I wouldn't say I'm a high earner but have a responsible job that means I can't always do school pick ups for my DD (8). However I'm always home before 6 and I'm here in the mornings and during my weekends with her (Me and he dad share custody). I put a lot of effort into planning quality time with her wheather that be day trips, something local or just doing something at home. I don't feel she is missing out on my time and she does understand that I have to work. She does appreciate that I can give her things/experiences her dad can't and also sees the difference between her life and some of her school friends.

She already has a pension pot, savings etc - all things I wouldn't be able to do if I changed jobs or went part time.

I think you need to look to the future and whether you would be happy not being on the partner track. Also what does relocating and working for a different firm look like in 5, 10, 15 years time for your own ambitions. I think focusing on quality time with them both rather than a quantity of time is something to consider.

This is an impossible dilemma and I am probably a few years off having to make the same decision myself… I think the hard thing is that making partner is seen as the be all end all in private legal practice and if you don’t do that I think you feel you’ve failed in some way.
It sounds like you’re leaning towards not doing that and looking for more time with the kids instead (if you say being 100% utilised will be difficult - surely that’s only going to get worse if you’re made up?)
I think the years with the children are precious and you’ll never regain them, whereas it’s perfectly possible to be made up as a partner in 10 years time. I certainly don’t think the extra money/holidays/house would make as much of a difference to your kids lives as having you around more would. If you’re going to go for partnership I think it’s something you should do because you want to do that in and of itself rather than because you think the extra money will benefit your children.
good luck with the decision!