What is best for my kids - my time or my money?

[LifeD1lemma]

I’m going round and round in circles about this - sorry it is long. I always felt like my life was kind of temporary/just starting out but it’s dawning on me that this is my kids’ childhood and it’s what they will remember when they are older. I also recognise that I am very privileged to have this choice.

I’m a lawyer working in the City. Im 10 pqe and 1 year away from partnership (apparently, these things have a way of being delayed!). I’ve got 2 kids aged 6 and 4. DH is an academic and earns a fraction of what I do, but on the plus side is around more for the kids - he does pick up 3 days/week and we have a nanny the other 2 days, so they’re not in ASC. I do drop offs 4-5 days a week and also manage to get home by 6pm most nights (though I then have to log in and work much later).

I just feel though that I’m not getting enough time with the kids atm. I want to be able to pick them up from school sometimes and do play dates and do their homework with them.

I could step back from my career and go in house, or, more radically, leave London and move somewhere cheaper and stop work completely for a while. On the other hand, if I stick it out and make partner we would have much more money as a family. We could afford lovely holidays, a bigger house, maybe private school for the kids. My working hours would probs be a lot worse though, especially over the next couple of years.

There is no scope for DH to earn much more than he does atm so it’s all down to me really. And if I take time out now I’ll probably never be able to get back in again at this level, so it feels like a big decision.

When the kids are grown, will I look back and wish that I’d spent more time with them, or that we were better off financially?

DH and I are both from working class backgrounds with no family support either financially or physically (I’m Scottish, he’s Irish and we live in London so family far away). In the circles we mix in most people have local family and/or loads of financial support so I feel like we are constantly struggling even though objectively recognise we are doing well and parenting/working is a juggle for everyone.

I'm not a lawyer but DH is and I'm an academic, so reversed roles I guess. I worked 60% with 3 short days to enable me to do the pick ups and time off in the holidays. We do look back on how things were when ours' were little and wonder how the hell we pulled it off, but we did and don't regret it. The hardest years for DH were the two before partnership. He was working all hours. It eased off a lot as a junior partner.

We paid for lots of outside help (and stayed in a smaller house so we had the disposable income to pay for that.)- housekeeper, nanny, gardener etc. which meant that pretty much all our time out of work was for the family (and friends and hobbies, of course.) DH has been completely involved with raising the kids which hasn't been a simple job (our DS is blind.)

Ours' are now teens and we are glad no one put their career aside (life was complicated and we were often tempted.) We are a close, happy family who get plenty of time together, with well balanced kids. They go to great (private) schools, we've been able to travel the world with them and the money has afforded them so many opportunities and has given us lots of freedom and choice that friends who made different choices simply do not have.

I'm a lawyer, not corporate so no huge salary, but still lots of pressure. Head of department in a boutique firm. I work 3 days a week plus one day for HMCTS. On the face of it I should have a great work life balance, I work 9-6 but log on after bed time, can go to school plays and sports days etc.
The reality is I'm never fully switched off, when I'm at work there's loads of kid admin happening and when I'm at home I'm checking emails and messaging the team to make sure stuff gets done.
There's never a right way, I've found!

The thing is if there is a concert there is nothing stopping the OP from going as long as she has booked it in her diary. That's what most parents at my DD's school do so lots more dads turn up than expected.

They also have their dad picking them up - depending where the OP lives it can be common for kids to have their dad dropping them off or picking them up much more than their mum.

As a mother I did school pick ups and play dates (not all they’re cracked up to be). Now a grandmother, I do a weekly pick up - what I really relish is the time when we arrive back at the house.
Could you trade the time you spend on a drop off or two to be home earlier one night a week? Would that satisfy you?

lots of empathy for you - similar situation in our household. It sounds like your DC are very well loved and get plenty of time with their parents - not many are picked up by their Dads several days a week! So absolutely make some tweaks if you feel you are missing out. But not out of guilt (easier said than done!) as between you and your DH they have a lot of time with their parents.

I dropped to four days a week, and try to wfh 1-2 times a week to do drop-off and be around for tea time. Trade off is very long days the days I’m the office and impact on career progression/pay.

I am also protective of my time with my DC at weekends, tend to do my own socialising in the evenings so I’m not missing out on time with them.

good luck with the guilt, let me know if you have any answers 😂

I would pick career. It's only for 2-3 more years and your 4 year old won't remember it anyway, but they will remember the benefits you all reaped from it in the years to come and the example you set. It would be crazy to throw it all away now when you've got so far and are so close. The grass is always greener...when you're cleaning up vomit and doing endless laundry you'll wish you made a different decision.

I would always choose time.

I chose time, I'm still choosing time and I don't regret it.

A friend of mine - male - now very senior at his law firm was advised by their HR when his DC were small to do a 9 day fortnight ... this suited him down to the ground. He did no less work but had a full day for them (or him if they were in school) when he was only accountable to family. A huge emotional shift and great for both him and the firm - a real win/win.

I don't know if something like this would work for you? Or a 4.5 day week with a half day on Friday?

You're right - I think making a small change now and seeing how that impacts things before making a huge decision (which may yet still be what you want to do) might well be the way to go

I would choose more time with kids.

Coming from someone whose both parents worked long hours, I wish they would have spent more time with us kids.

My mum was really focused on her career and tried really hard to spend quality time with us on the weekend. I often wished she was more like my friend's mum and was there when we come back from school etc.
we did have very hands on grandparents who looked after us after school and I am closer to my grandma than my mum.

I’m the Mum of a now 21 year old, I had her (to me) quite young (24) & only really at the start of my career. She went to full time nursery & long before WFH came a thing went to Breakfast Club & ASC.

I managed to persuade my manager to let me have my lunch break at 2:30 and finish up my last hours of the day once a week from home so we could pick her up. Husband & I never missed a sports day or nativity! & one year I took on a parent rep role!

Once she started secondary school I reduced my hours (I could do that as I had got to a good point of my career & the trust of my employees) It meant I was home 3 days a week when she came home from secondary school, I finished at 3.

My daughter doesn’t really remember nursery, she has fond memories of ASC & she knows we went to every school event. If you asked her she doesn’t really remember how many days a week she went to ASC or stayed with us! I felt she valued our time when it was most needed for her at 12-16 ages - I’m glad I had established myself in my career to then prioritise when she needed me more.

There is no right or wrong answer, you do the best for your family without judgement. It sounds like you have a good balance right now & it may mean with an established career you can take a step back in a couple of years if needed. The most important thing for both my daughters is there was a face at the play/sports day etc & even though we both worked Full Time we both always made it.

You've had a lot of great replies and advice but as a nanny for numerous families over decades I think what is important is that when you are actually with your DC you give them 100% of your attention..
I've seen many nanny kids trying so hard to attract attention from mum or dad who come home and immediately go to the home office.. or constantly take calls..it's better to stay at work/in the driveway taking the calls than keep brushing them away..
It's very upsetting as a nanny knowing how much the DC are waiting for the return of the parents and their sad disappointed faces when they can't spend time with you...

I’m also a City lawyer with a six year old and a DH in a less demanding and more flexible role. I do morning drops offs and DH does pick ups from ASC. I feel I spend a good amount of time with DD, but of course, more time would be lovely. At this stage of your career and having already weathered two maternity leaves, I wouldn’t slow down. Not when you are so close. It’s a hard life in some respects but I look at friends with a better work/life balance and they too seem to be living hard lives, just for different reasons.

I am a senior lawyer 26 years PQE. I am a partner in a law firm and also have another legal role. I love my job.

It's perhaps easier to say this from a position of not having to worry about money but I very much regret not spending more time with my DC. One is now at University and one is Year 13. I should definitely have spent more time with them when they were younger and if I had my time again I would do this even at the cost of having a lower income. Partnership makes things worse in terms of stress levels, not better (although you do often gain a little more flexibility once you're equity - but this is some way off for you).

We were done a great disservice when we were told that we can have it all.

Time 100%

Sounds quite morbid, but I always imagine if I was older and on my death bed, looking back would you really wish you’d worked more/made more money? Completely different if people have to work to provide, but it sounds like you’ve already got an excellent career and have achieved a lot in that sense. If you could keep it going, but somehow have more time with the kids and be ok financially, I’d definitely do that.

Coming at this from a completely different view point. I was a sahm and from what you have said about being able to do drop offs is a massive positive, because you are present for your children. Dh also made it home for family dinner then worked later in the evening to prioritise the children.

Just being there in the house Mondays and Fridays working from home means you coming down for a coffee is a little touching base with your children. Dh would always come out of the office for 2 minutes when the children came home (he worked from home a million years before Covid due to my health and potentially needing to be around) but for those 2 minutes his focus was entirely on the children. Then they were off getting changed, having a snack etc and I was there for that part.

I would honestly tell you to chase the money and career. The reason is you can buy in help, cleaner, laundry, even a meal service. That money enables you to free you your free time to do other things with your children. I would also say that although primary school support is important, secondary is where parental input, monitoring, discussing, makes for a better student.

Dh has an incredible relationship with our sons even though he worked full time and then some, a professional working day I believe it is called. That is because when he was here he was fully available to the children, did things one on one with each child even if that was a trip to a shop or the tip. Just that alone time alternating the child, that in turn gave me one on one time with the other child.

Some parents work full time in London and then have a 1hr 30 or 2 hour commute home that sees them out of the house for a very long period of time. I think that is a very hard thing to do.

Not law but reasonably meaty career. My eldest has just started secondary and it is proving far harder to work FT than it was during primary. I've been away with work twice since she started secondary and she (and I) have found it far harder than when she was at primary.

Knowing that I would have worked full gas once they were both settled at primary -we had excellent wraparound care - and then used the flexibility to work shorter hours now. They also need far more ferrying around at secondary, tho this will vary depending your location.

I still think I would rather put up with the lack of time rather than lack of money. The DC are increasingly aware of "stuff" and are getting ever more expensive, and that's without private school fees.

You can afford domestic housekeeping etc so your weekend can be all about family time.
You have 5 or 6 weeks holiday time to do nice things
You will be able to buy necessary lap tops and weekend to view Unis without thinking

You are back at 6 pm
Sounds fine

i agree here

honestly, balance is everything here

kids love "things", i know younger KS1 primary kids love plastic crap/toys/games and having money to throw at that and play with them on weekends and some evenings is to me, enough short term

You need to work on your guilt trip, in another 2 years time, get the partnership then if you say nope, step down. If you do not try you will resent it.

as teenagers, you need to be there to keep them on the straight and narrow. Kids will not remember at this young age you"were not there"

do your best. Drop the guilt. you are a great mum

When they are teens you will be glad of the money. I chose to stay home and now mine are teen and pre teen I’m finding it very hard to get back to work and they are getting so expensive too. Keep the job!

Sounds like you are overthinking it but I get that it is a though decision. Getting home at 6 o’clock seems reasonable particularly if the kids have already been fed by the time you get home and can spend some fun time with you. It’s more about your mindset, in reality those two hours after school before you get home will not make a great deal of a difference particularly that they mostly spend this time with their dad. Plus there are always weekends which I assume are work free.
One thing I would consider though is how your job is affecting your home life, are you present once you get home or do you find yourself wondering off in your mind stressing about work. And will this change once you get to the partner level in your career?
I am sure your children will be happy either way as long as they will feel that their mum is happy and fulfilled, as it tends to translate into all aspects of your life.

It's a delicate balancing act@LifeD1lemma

On the plus side your DH is a loving father, and your children won't go wanting for anything except you being with them more often.

It might be a few tough years while your partnership gets going and you start to feel more comfortable financially.

I think you are looking forward to when having more disposable income you will be able to create a space where it will be easier to spend time together.

There's a big difference in a person who is so success oriented that that's all they focus on in order to achieve success, and a person like yourself who sounds like you're yearning to be with your children while working hard towards your professional goal.

Children know when they are loved and wanted and I'm sure your children feel that they are important to you.

As they're happy with their dad, you likely make it up to them in the small, yet important and loving ways, that are vital when children are young.

Ultimately though, this is your decision to make.

For some it would be easy and for others, like yourself, very difficult.
Wishing you all the best, and most of all, peace of mind with your decision.

Trainee solicitor here. Your current situation sounds relatively normal, I work full time and am home 5.45 5 days a week which works well with seeing the kids before bed. The shift when you become partner might be more problematic but I understand the hard work that goes into this career. I would usually say time is the most inportant thing. But you want to reap the rewards and get that recognition you’ve worked so hard for. It’s difficult. If you can find a balance and enjoy what you do I’d keep going. Money isn’t everything but it does help. I suppose it depends on how much time you think you’d have with them after work and what your weekends look like.

Could you do that, and move? Like Wales or the Highlands. The money you actually have would go further.

Someone i know said she resented the fact that her dad did most stuff for her instead of mom, even though it was unavoidable

If you like your firm, I would move into a PSL role for a few years - not for everyone I know! Would give you the time and flexibility whilst your children are younger and then you could move back to fee earning when they are older.