What is best for my kids - my time or my money?

[LifeD1lemma]

I’m going round and round in circles about this - sorry it is long. I always felt like my life was kind of temporary/just starting out but it’s dawning on me that this is my kids’ childhood and it’s what they will remember when they are older. I also recognise that I am very privileged to have this choice.

I’m a lawyer working in the City. Im 10 pqe and 1 year away from partnership (apparently, these things have a way of being delayed!). I’ve got 2 kids aged 6 and 4. DH is an academic and earns a fraction of what I do, but on the plus side is around more for the kids - he does pick up 3 days/week and we have a nanny the other 2 days, so they’re not in ASC. I do drop offs 4-5 days a week and also manage to get home by 6pm most nights (though I then have to log in and work much later).

I just feel though that I’m not getting enough time with the kids atm. I want to be able to pick them up from school sometimes and do play dates and do their homework with them.

I could step back from my career and go in house, or, more radically, leave London and move somewhere cheaper and stop work completely for a while. On the other hand, if I stick it out and make partner we would have much more money as a family. We could afford lovely holidays, a bigger house, maybe private school for the kids. My working hours would probs be a lot worse though, especially over the next couple of years.

There is no scope for DH to earn much more than he does atm so it’s all down to me really. And if I take time out now I’ll probably never be able to get back in again at this level, so it feels like a big decision.

When the kids are grown, will I look back and wish that I’d spent more time with them, or that we were better off financially?

DH and I are both from working class backgrounds with no family support either financially or physically (I’m Scottish, he’s Irish and we live in London so family far away). In the circles we mix in most people have local family and/or loads of financial support so I feel like we are constantly struggling even though objectively recognise we are doing well and parenting/working is a juggle for everyone.

Focus on your career. It sounds like your kids see quite a lot of you and you've got a decent balance with your DH.
Mine are now 7 and 10 and we're not on London money but we've both worked hard at our careers and juggled kids between ASC, granny and wfh. DS has just moved to private school (not in original plan) but only really made possible through a few promotions I've had in recent years. To me it's been worth it. You don't know what's around the corner.

Isn’t that just because society tells us that kids = mums job?

This is tough. It’s a difficult decision but for me, it would be time with my children. It’s a cliche but you really can’t get this time back.

Fellow city lawyer here (salaried partner, think I've hit the ceiling but OK with that). I've always worked FT, was tough at times but more so as a junior when I worked to someone else's diary. Two kids, one now at uni, one off to secondary soon.

What the nanny poster upthread said is SO true. The most important thing is make the time you do spend with your children count! One hour of quality, fun, engaged time is worth more than 10 hours of just hanging around the house. You don't have to spend money even. My kids' favourite memories are of the silly fun stuff I have done with them at home on a Sunday afternoon. My mum worked PT and was always at home when we were because she disapproved of children being "farmed out" but I don't remember her ever playing with us or even talking to us much. Spoiler - we aren't close now. I can't imagine ever confiding in my parents though when my kids have a worry, I'm their go to person and quite right.

I also used a lot of half days of annual leave so I could go to sports day, school plays etc.

I'd also say don't under estimate how useful money can be. I don't mean being flash but it's so nice when they come home with a letter about the school residential trip and you can say yes without thinking or they need some help with maths and you can just find a tutor no questions asked. Then when they are older - trainers, phones, laptops, driving lessons, university - not a problem on a good income. "Stuff" is not the most important thing but it can be important nonetheless.

I've asked my children now they are older if they minded me being a working mum. They just laughed. We are so close I now can't imagine what difference it would have made.

I admit I'm a bit selfish and I need a life outside home and family. It makes me a better person and a better mum.

Good luck, whatever you decide! However guilty you feel about the juggle, remember men don't give it a moment's thought and as long as they love their kids and are on their team the kids love them right back.

I don't think there is a mythical point you get to where they don't need you. It just changes. My kids walk themselves too and from school now but they still like the comfort of an adult being home to listen for a few minutes after a tough day etc. i work FT but am able to work mostly from home. So this 'they are only young once thing'.... i think its a false pressure. Mine still need me just as much now.

So if you stopped now, I'm not sure how easy it would be to go back.

Whilst there are couples that manage to split that really evenly, i think its more usual that one parents job allows them to be around more then they other. It sounds like your DH is able to do that. But also that you are doing a chunk of drop offs etc.

Just to add that working in house isn’t necessarily the holy grail everyone says it is. The hours can be intense depending on the type of work you’re doing and business you’re joining. I work in an American tech company so hours aren’t 9-5. I have days often like you describe.

Looking at the comments here, I notice a lot of posters commenting on what kids remember and assuming that to be equal to what is important to them. I don’t think it’s quite that simple, there will be lots of things that kids love in the moment but don’t remember later. For example, I remember lots of fun my DD and I had when she was younger (like racing each other around the house) that she doesn’t remember as a teen. Does that make it unimportant? I don’t think so but I do think it shows that kids benefit from a secure, stable arrangement where their needs are met as youngsters. Kids live ‘in the moment’, which is why the concept of ‘quality time’ doesn’t always work (though I agree with the importance of focusing on the kids when you’re there). It sounds like you have this covered between yourself, your DH and your nanny - it doesn’t have to be only you.

I’m a SAHM, though I didn’t actually plan on this. I was in a demanding professional career before I had my DD. As a family, we are in a good position financially so it wasn’t an either/or decision around money/time. I have mixed feelings about this, it definitely made our lives easier when DD was younger and my DH travelled for work/worked long hours. But I’m not sure I’m a good role model now DD is a teen. She has always loved me being at home and we enjoy a good relationship but she has never known anything different.

I am at one end of the spectrum whilst you’re near the other end. There are probably advantages to being nearer the middle in both cases so maybe it’s about looking at how to achieve that for your family.

Good luck.

I agree with this, but also that you'll be fine either way.

I really don't think it's just about money, though. I'm not a high earner, so I don't particularly work for the money, but because of the sense of achievement/fulfilment that I get from work, that I wouldn't get if I gave it up. And I also don't want my DC to live in a family set up where they think dads work and mums don't.

It isn't a trap. You don't do it because you think the children need you more - you do it because it is what you want out of life. Doing what you want to do isn't a trap.

There are only so many years in a child's life before they become an adult. There are far more years for you to spend at work. Nobody is going to want the epitaph on their headstone to be: 'I wish I'd spent more time in the office'.

I think between the two of you the kids see a lot of their parents and tbh they probably assume nanny time is normal .
Personally I'd keep going with your career . A large drop in income is not fun and the opportunity to give your kids what they need aswell as experiences would be great . Longer term you could get them on the property ladder which will set them up .

It isn’t always that simple though. Such as if OP quits now, she’s never getting back to that level again. All that hard work, all that progression would’ve been for nothing.

Time over money for us - as long as we could eat and afford our mortgage etc - then extra money never came into it. Life's too short...

Yes that’s right @SouthLondonMum22 - @TentEntWenTyfOur - if I don’t pursue partnership now it’s quite likely I’d never make partner. Unfortunately my career isn’t something I can really dip in and out of.

Maybe that doesn’t matter though? This thread has given me lots of food for thought - when I started it I thought that most people would tell me to quit or downscale and focus on the kids more. It has been surprising and refreshing to have much more balanced responses than that.

Like many in my profession I’m very hard-working, driven, had a high-achieving school and uni experience…I think in a way I feel like I’m not completely acing either my career right now (because it’s a juggle, and I can’t be as committed as before I had kids) or motherhood (because I work), and that is what I’m struggling with. I can’t give up the kids (obviously, and nor would I want to) so I’m looking at packing in the job as the natural next step. But just having this realisation is helpful because I don’t think I need to do something so extreme to make positive changes.

Honestly I work 4 days a week in a lower paid more flexible job and I don’t actually get that much more time with my school age child than you do? I only do drop off once a week, her dad does the other 4 as I either go into the office early or drop the little one at nursery and start work at home, and two pick ups, which are followed by taking to her activities where we don’t interact anyway! I think the combo of school age child and pretty much any job means time is a bit more limited and I don’t know any families where both parents are home at 3. The balance you have sounds quite healthy and normal, although I agree with pp that doing pickup once a week would probably help you feel a lot better about it all.

Be as organised as you can about booking things/time off early for the “big” school stuff that not only the children would like you to be at but you will feel you miss out on too.
Think about how to get the most “bang for your buck” in terms of being physically present for the children and them feeling that you are. Don’t minimise how you feel about missing out on time with them- be creative about putting things in place to fulfil your need to spend time with them
Is your heart really set in becoming a partner?

From one driven over achiever to another, I suggest a good starting point would to be try and make your peace with the feeling that you aren’t acing everything. I don’t think anyone who is parenting well, and by that I just mean you are engaged with your kids and trying, ever feels they are getting it right. So even if you were to downscale your job I suspect that wouldn’t give you the holy grail of feeling you are winning at something. In actual fact I find when I am not working I just have more time to worry about whether I am getting things right for the kids. And as for the work stuff, we all feel we can’t do as well as we did because you have other demands on your time, your head is crammed with “stuff” (the mental load of motherhood) and you are tired and your confidence is knocked. But I am pretty sure that the average focussed working mum worker can still blast the complacent man out of the water. We are efficient and focussed in a way most of don’t recognise because we just have to get shit done.

Give yourself a break. You are still in the trenches of relatively young children with a career that is kicking up a gear. I’ve been there. You’re doing ok. It does get easier. Now is probably not the time to be making major decisions unless YOU are actively unhappy. See what you can tweak around the edges.

Then: pour yourself a glass of wine (or a cup of tea or whatever floats your boat) and congratulate yourself on having survived another day! It’s what the rest of us are doing whilst work champions us for being the ones who are having it all and our children are providing vigorous 360 feedback that whatever we are managing and however well we are doing they would like even more of that please.

Repeat after me: “I am doing ok and sometimes ok is enough!”

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