What is best for my kids - my time or my money?

[LifeD1lemma]

I’m going round and round in circles about this - sorry it is long. I always felt like my life was kind of temporary/just starting out but it’s dawning on me that this is my kids’ childhood and it’s what they will remember when they are older. I also recognise that I am very privileged to have this choice.

I’m a lawyer working in the City. Im 10 pqe and 1 year away from partnership (apparently, these things have a way of being delayed!). I’ve got 2 kids aged 6 and 4. DH is an academic and earns a fraction of what I do, but on the plus side is around more for the kids - he does pick up 3 days/week and we have a nanny the other 2 days, so they’re not in ASC. I do drop offs 4-5 days a week and also manage to get home by 6pm most nights (though I then have to log in and work much later).

I just feel though that I’m not getting enough time with the kids atm. I want to be able to pick them up from school sometimes and do play dates and do their homework with them.

I could step back from my career and go in house, or, more radically, leave London and move somewhere cheaper and stop work completely for a while. On the other hand, if I stick it out and make partner we would have much more money as a family. We could afford lovely holidays, a bigger house, maybe private school for the kids. My working hours would probs be a lot worse though, especially over the next couple of years.

There is no scope for DH to earn much more than he does atm so it’s all down to me really. And if I take time out now I’ll probably never be able to get back in again at this level, so it feels like a big decision.

When the kids are grown, will I look back and wish that I’d spent more time with them, or that we were better off financially?

DH and I are both from working class backgrounds with no family support either financially or physically (I’m Scottish, he’s Irish and we live in London so family far away). In the circles we mix in most people have local family and/or loads of financial support so I feel like we are constantly struggling even though objectively recognise we are doing well and parenting/working is a juggle for everyone.

Usually I would say time over money as kids never care much about money until teens, plus there is a saving by being home more. This is tricky though.

When you say 1 yr from partner is that a guarantee or a rough guess? Because that could turn to next year then 5 years and you'll lose out on both fronts. Also depends on the norm for partners in your firm, when my Dh made partner his hours increased significantly for a while but now he is more senior again he delegates more and works less hours than he pre partnership. I have another family member that moved in house with a management element but stepped back from the management side as she had school age kids, she works very regular hours now and while she will never have the status of a partner, she has a very good income and collects her kids from school most days. She wfh while being Mum and on busy days with activities she focused on kids but logs on again for a few hours after dinner. Personally I'd find the two worlds colliding to be stressful but it doesn't faze her, so your personality comes into play too.

I work for a small Plc. Our in house lawyers work all the hours under the sun and for a lot less pay than a law firm. If you do go in house, research the firm as much as you can.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I was put on a two year partnership “track” last December, but that’s a minimum rather than maximum or a guarantee. So in theory if I am 100% utilised the earliest I could be made up is December 2025, but that’s if there is also a business case, ie the team is busy enough, so impossible to say. Firms often string it out though I am in a good position atm.

You talk about it purely through the lens of what your kids want, but it's also about you.

Would you feel unsatisfied, under achieving, thwarted if you didn't fulfill professional potential? Do you enjoy your job or does it feel pointless and just another capitalist cog in the machine?

Kids need money enough for housing, clothes, food. Once basic financial stability is in place they'd favour time with parent but not if in doing so, that parent becomes resentful, depressed etc. on the other hand a parent working long hours and also constantly stressed is definitely not good.

So comes down to how much you enjoy your job.

Kids don't care about money until they are teens and even then they care about you having enough money to buy them the "in" clothes (hundreds) not going on exotic holidays (thousands)

My ExH was and is a very high earner. I worked part time around the kids.

He wanted to give the kids what he never had - luxury holidays, no
Worrying about money etc.

The thing is they mostly didn't like the holidays - they are 24 now and when I say do you remember that holiday sailing in the Caribbean they say oh my god I hated it I'm
Never going on a boat again.

He gave them what he would have wanted when he was a kid. Not what they wanted.

And because he was a high earner although they have never worried about money they don't really value that because they didn't have my ExH's experiences of his parents rowing about money etc etc.

But you shouldn't sacrifice your career completely for your kids. For one thing they will grow up and leave you one day and you need a life of your own.

Your setup doesn’t sound bad at all, especially if you can juggle things around to get them from school a day a week.

I grew up with a SAHM and little financial security. It wasn’t nice at all. I’d never give up my career personally.

Obviously I don't know what type.of law you do but what about the legal dept for a.retailer? I work for.a.high street retailer (albeit not in the legal dept) and their hours are much.more 9-5, and can command high salaries and WFH.more than the rest of us because they would be difficult to replace

I’m a lawyer and worked full time outside the home for many years (in days before Covid and flexible working). DH also had a busy job with long hours. Weeks would go by with us seeing the children for only 30 mins before bedtime. Grandparents and nannies filled all the long hours we were away from home. We are now very comfortably off. DH has retired early now the DC are teens/pre-teen so is around a lot. I’m now wfh 2 days a week. We are financially stable and can afford nice lifestyle and private school. I don’t regret the time we missed with them because we were able to provide a stable routine via others who deeply cared for them. We are still in touch with all the Nannies and see them regularly. In your shoes I would aim for partnership and earn as much as you can now. Money gives you choices/options. My friends who took part time roles/went in-house/changed careers to more family friendly roles are all in much weaker financial positions than those of us (from the law degree) who kept going full time. I would also say being around more in teenage years has seemed more important to our DC than when they were little. Ultimately you have to choose what’s best for your family but that’s my experience which I hope helps.

I think my DC appreciate the money now they are older
Holidays ,cars,Uni costs met etc
I genuinely don't think they remember the nursery years
And I would really hate for them to have a preferred parent
But it's your decision
It does seem a huge leap from almost partner to giving up all together
Surely there is something in between

You are more than 'just' a mum, what you want from your life matters too.

Personally I would not have been happy with myself or DH having very little time with the DC. But I think that reflects my upbringing where neither parent was emotionally or physically available.

I'm not sure doing a little extra a week would have any impact on your DC. Better to do regular but memorable things than pick them up from school once a week.

Think about what they'll remember, things like sports days, music recitals and school plays are a pita where you aren't even interacting with them but kids remember whether you go. My DS says he appreciates the hours I spent watching him play computer games and making the right noises, I'm glad I didn't suffer through that for nothing!

You could have been my mum writing this post… from my point of view, being in a potentially similar position to your children, (once upon a time!) I would say they want your time more. My childhood memories are mostly of my nanny, my parents took us on expensive holidays and we had a big house and nice toys. What I actually wanted was for my mum to be one of the mums watching at the concert or picking me up from school etc. They want your time, the money is a you thing, as long as basic needs are being met.To be clear I don’t begrudge my parents they both came from poor backgrounds so making loads of money when the going was good makes sense, but they, and I, can’t turn back the clock, your kids are only young once.

I know @Motheranddaughter believe me, I would much prefer it if they were more even-handed in their love for me and DH. To be fair, DC2 is a bit less partisan but DC1 has a very strong preference for me which I think is a hangover from jealousy when DC2 was born (4 years ago…). He just always wants me to be the one reading his bedtime stories, brushing his teeth, doing his homework etc etc etc.

He’s more emotionally needy than DC2 as well and I think a big part of all of this actually is that I had PPD after DC2’s birth (during covid) and worry that that has impacted DC1.

Love that you watched him play computer games @KingOfPeace - that is true love right there!

I would say be careful what you wish for. You have a well paid and interesting job that lets you do drop offs 4-5 days a week, two days a week WFH and you are normally home by 6 regardless, even though you work later on some days. TBH that is pretty great. I would be inclined to see whether you could push greater flexibility where you are rather than jump ship and find yourself in a situation where potentially you are less well paid with no better or worse flexibility. You clearly have an interesting and challenging job where you are valued and it offers you all sorts of choices. I would see whether you could negotiate some time out for a pick up one afternoon a week / block out an hour or so after school one day a week to hang out. In house is often less flexible and you might end up trading a well paid 9-6 job with 2 days WFH for a job that turns into a less well paid 9-5 job where you don't get the flexibility that comes with seniority. And I would park worrying about the impact of partnership until you know that is imminent. Kids and therefore parenting changes year by year. You won't know how you will feel until it is upon you. If, though, your concerns are really about the fact you are not so keen on your job anymore and therefore it doesn't seem worth it anymore that is a different matter...!

I think the other aspect of this is what will YOU regret. They're only young once. Don't miss the bits that matter to you, which is probably different from what matters to them.

I have a similar career (investment banking) and had a similar decision. I stuck with the career. DC are 13 & 15 now and don't seem to have missed out on having me around more when they were little. They are both at private school and that was important for us. The local state school gets 20% of GCSE's at grades 7-9, whereas our private school gets 80% so that was a 'necessary' for - us. If you have great state schools it might not be so important? As teens, they spend most of their time with their friends now and want expensive tech/clothes/trainers. We will pay their uni tuition fees and living costs and will be able to give them good deposits for their first homes. I have a good pension and savings for a comfortable retirement. It was the right decision for us.

@MockCroc these are all really excellent points - thank you.

And thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond.

It's a balance. If your partner is an academic with a permanent position they will be earning decent money, I suspect your concept of enough money and mine is different. We can't tell you what you feel is best but I personally think kids need to come first - could you pick up once a week by dropping to 4.5 days a week?

This isn’t true and it’s the trap women (including myself) fall into.

I regret not leaning more into my career when my kids were younger. Like you I had a good support system but like you I wanted to do more baking, play dates etc. So I took my foot off the gas and now with teens and an empty nest looming I realise what a huge mistake I made - for me and for my family.

If you don’t want the corporate grind that’s one thing but don’t do it because you think the children need you more - if looks like you have it all well set up

I think this is right - I am feeling pressure/putting pressure on myself to be there more because I’m their mum. And as I think another poster was alluding to, if I was their dad probably I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Unfortunately the kids do seem to want it to be me rather than their dad and DH can’t swap jobs with me so we are where we are.

I’ve really taken heart though from so many comments and am going to focus on all the good thinks about our set up instead of thinking the grass is always greener.

I'm a lawyer and think that once you take your foot off the partnership track you won't get that back.

Your children are so young they can be taken care of in wrap around and holiday clubs and by your husband. . Doing the school pick up isn't all its cracked up to be and once you change schools you lose touch with the previous parents.

I'd be disappointed if I'd given up years of my life to corporate law and then found myself in a position where I couldn't pay for private school, university etc. I only reduced my hours when that was secured.

I am going to drop dead, not tomorrow, but fairly soon, and despite the utterly shit situation, it's been a huge comfort to me to know that I was there for my DSs who are now 19 and 15.

I know that my situation is extreme but there is always the feeling that there will be more time, and sometimes there just isn't. Both my boys have made it clear that they loved having me around and it's been a huge comfort to me to know that I didn't waste any time on things that are just not important.

Having said that, everyone's values are different and we must all do what feels right for us without worrying about what anyone else is doing or thinking.

I think it sounds like you do have the balance right OP. The most important thing is that they are getting quality time which given you have written this post I suspect they already have with you. Plenty of parents are around more but don’t actively engage with their kids when they are with them.

It’s one of those mum guilt decisions… you can’t really win either way. You can only do what you think is best for your family.

Simply, your time. Assuming you can cover all the basics and a few luxurious like a holiday each year I'd sell up and move out and give yourself a few low pressure years while they are little.

If I had to simplify it. Time when little or at school, but money is needed to launch them with a house deposit for example.