How to say no to second hand baby stuff?

[BlackButter]

I appreciate I sound like an arsehole. We’ve spent 10years TTC and are the last of our friends and family to have a baby. Having thought about this for so long I knew the kind of things I wanted to buy.
Friends obviously have a lot of stuff they want to pass on. I don’t need a lot of it and I don’t have the time to sort through it. I’ve tried when offered clearly much loved stuff to try and take a few pieces. But I’m being given old toys and h sued things they didn’t want and I have boxes of stuff that people are going to expect to see in use when they come round. How do you say no to a top that was clearly the parents favourite but you know you’ll never use?
i know the eco side of things means I should get everything second hand. But why did they get to have everything new and not me? And everything will be passed onto a charity shop going forward or sold in bundles on vinted.

I just need a nice way to say “please no lore second hand stuff” or “no thank you” when they say “do you want this top”? I am a people pleaser and ND and really really struggling with this when I should be counting down the days to baby not getting stressed about bags of broken toys that are arriving without notice and offers of clothes I don’t want. I know clothes are expensive but I’ve saved for this and want the joy in buying things for my baby, that I have already done so.

Be honest with your Mum about how it makes you feel, surely she cares more about your mental health than upsetting her friends?

With some stuff you can take one photo of the baby using/wearing it, send it to the person then bin it. I think that when people come round they’ll be so happy to meet the baby they won’t really remember to say “oh, let’s get the xx out to play with”. And if it was broken just say “ah yes, I’m sure you didn’t realise, but it was actually broken” so I sadly had to throw it away as it wasn’t safe any more. Cup of tea?”

You don't sound like an arsehole at all.

You've been through a lot and deserve to get whatever you like for your baby 💞

I said "thank you for the offer, but after waiting such a long time I'm looking forward to choosing things for myself".

It's absolutely fine to not want to sort through everyone else's stuff to find things you like. Especially when you've had a journey to get to this point.

People like to feel kind and helpful.

And people also like to feel relieved they've got rid of their unwanted tut ...

So you're the perfect solution! Unfortunately it's got unmanageable.

You'll need to help your Mum say 'no' for you, as she's ahead of you in this awkward chain, and to be honest, she's part of the problem. Is she also ND, and finding it difficult to say no?

Keep repeating 'Mum, we don't need any more xxx. In future if anyone offers it to you for us, please tell them no thankyou, she's fine now, she's actually got too much, and say please could you donate it to (local charity, etc).'

And stress to her that 'At the moment I have to cope with disposing of things we have no use for, which upsets me and takes time away from caring for DC'.

You may need to refuse the next bag and ask her to take it back to them to strengthen your message.

Also send a kind, polite message by email or messenger etc to the donors saying 'thankyou so much for thinking of us. However we're at the stage now where people have been so kind, I'm needing to dispose of items! So please could you donate to your favourite charity instead?'

Hope some of that will be helpful.

Buy very little, I made the mistake of buying so many beautiful baby things and honestly they grow so fast
and you are left with so much stuff.
id say yes to big items push chairs etc if they are in good nick
and no thanks to everything else

Everyone has this, and it's really annoying,. The worst is that the very loved but totally worn out stuff they can't bear to get rid of is exactly the stuff they'll pass on to you, feeling relieved they didn't have to bin it.

But inevitably in a couple of years you too will be unable to see that the loved and cherished clothes are now pilled and faded, and no one wants to put their lovely new baby in clothes like that, as you press binliners of stuff into the hands of parents to be, telling yourself that a puzzle missing two pieces is still fine for little ones to play with, or a ride on thing which is now cracked, unsafe and has leaky batteries welded into the battery compartment has plenty of use (two real life examples I had).

All you can do is try and minimise what comes in and book a few trips to the tip.

Be careful of the people who 'give' you things, but then ask for them back, at some indeterminate point in the future, because they want the good feelz of passing them on to someone else! These people often don't give you the heads up that they will be wanting this stuff back!

IMHO it's much better to not accept second hand stuff unless you're absolutely sure they won't get offended when you bin it/charity shop it/sell it when done.
This all just creates work for you though and if you really don't want it, it's fine to say that you have everything you need already and they should pass it on to someone less fortunate, who will really appreciate it.

It's okay to say no to other people, who largely just want to offload their stuff without guilt of binning it!

You are not an arsehole at all. I bedecked my pfb (a long awaited ivf baby) in all new, often designer stuff. I delighted in buying it, it gave me pure joy! My idea of what I needed changed somewhat once he actually arrived and some went unused. Hey ho, it went to the baby bank in pristine condition. Different babies have different needs. I don't regret it for a second due to the pleasure I got, even the unused things.

Dc2, also a precious ivf baby after 6 more years of trying (so it cerwas nit a question of being less wanted!), didn't get the same. I think I got it out of my system and was happier with things from close friends. My girl though, so I have enjoyed buying some wee dresses etc.

It is your baby, you waited, now you get to do it just the way you want. Ignore anyone suggesting otherwise!

I would have loved second hand things for my first child. Omg they grow out of things so fast. What's the point in spending money every 6 months.
Is it a pride thing??? If it is then get over yourself

Did you miss that OP has been trying for a baby for 10 years? Of course she is going to want to buy what she wants for her baby, and presumably has enough money to do so, so she doesn't need to get over herself at all. It's not being proud to use your own money to buy things for your own baby, what a weird thing to say.

But the OP doesn’t want to say yes to big items!

Buying our pram was a rite of passage for me and something I really looked forward to and enjoyed, I don’t care how much it cost tbh, I really wanted that experience and to have a fancy one that I had chosen.

@Flo22 it’s not a pride thing at all, what a weird thing to say.

I’ve bought plenty of second hand stuff for our baby but I’ve very much enjoyed the process of choosing it for myself so I can absolutely see why you’d want to do that. Just say “thanks that’s very kind but we’ve already got plenty of clothes/I’ve seen xyz I really want to buy” and if your mum turns up with stuff get her to return it with similar words.

We accepted plenty of secondhand stuff but you definitely get given far too much. At one point I had 4 bouncers and 3 moses baskets.

I didn’t feel any guilt about cherry picking the nicest bits to keep and passing the rest on.

I also get that you want to choose some things yourself, I did too. Secondhand is great and I’m a huge fan but I got pleasure from the new things too.

Genuinely @BlackButter when you are ready to pass it all on you’ll realise no feelings whatsoever are hurt, you just want a willing victim to take it all.

I've offered things to people and some have said they've been offered loads from others and don't need any more - I wasn't offended at all.
Other people were really grateful. It's fine - just tell them.

Where possible, I'd say, "Thanks but we've got everything/ so much and don't need anything more".
My MIL was the worst for turning up with used stuff. There'd be maybe one okay thing in ten (and so much grubby and broken stuff). I just took it and binned or donated it. I didn't take photos of baby wearing or using the stuff as that would just encourage it. If we were ever asked about it later (eek!), I'd lie and say, "It'll be around somewhere. We got given so much we've lost track of it all."