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Original poster

Inheritance - wwyd?

123 replies

JustQuickone · 08/10/2024 02:19

I’ve been a fellow mums net user for years but first post so here goes! More of a what would you do?

I’ll start off with a little bit of background. I am an only child (married with DS4). My mother is also an only child. My grandmother has recently passed away leaving her full estate 4 bed house to my mum as we always knew was the plan. My mum has always made comments about how she does not need to sell my grandmother’s house and that she would gift it to me. My mum is set for retirement with plenty savings in the bank and no mortgage on her property. I am in no way expecting her to gift me my grandmother’s property and I made her an offer to buy.

My grandmother’s property is within walking distance to my mums house which my mum always said would be ideal for me as she could help with my child who has disabilities. Now the tricky bit comes in. After all the years of comments on how much she would love me to live in grandmother’s property she has now made me an offer to buy it at x3 the price of my current mortgage. I have explained to her that I appreciate the offer but it’s completely out of my budget and I wouldn’t be able to afford the monthly bills due to only be able to work part time as I care for my disabled DS4.

My mum seems to be very annoyed that I’m not jumping for joy at the offer that she made me and it seems to be falling on deaf ears when I explain that I wouldn’t be able to afford it. She has said numerous times she doesn’t want to put the house on the market as she would rather it stayed in my family and belonged to us and she doesn’t need the money. I don’t want to cause any upset as she has just lost her mum and I’ve lost my grandmother. It would be absolutely life changing for us to have my grandmother’s house as the size would be amazing for my child with ADHD to run around more freely.

So my question is, do I just explain to my mum again that it’s out of my budget and that she’ll have to put it on the market. She keeps asking when we want to move in but yet keeps sticking with the price I said I couldn’t afford. Thanks for reading,

OP posts:
Lollipopsicle · 08/10/2024 02:46

So she was going to give the house to you and now she wants to sell it to you, whilst saying that she doesn't need the money? Why the change of heart; do you know OP?

Happyinarcon · 08/10/2024 02:50

Whatever happens talk to a solicitor. Worse case scenario is your mum keeps both properties and they end up paying for her aged care bills leaving you with nothing

HughJarz · 08/10/2024 03:15

Can't usefully comment without knowing whether the price your mother is asking for is the open market value of the property, or less, or more. If you can't afford the house, you can't afford it. Your mother's desire to keep it in the family is irrelevant. But you say you 'made her an offer to buy'-so presumably you offered a price you could afford and it was not enough?

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General money
AngelicKaty · 08/10/2024 03:22

I'm afraid I don't understand your mum's thinking OP.

She says she doesn't need the money so presumably there's no imperative for her to sell it?
She wants it to stay in the family, but if she doesn't sell it, it will sit there empty (what a waste!) and ultimately be passed to you as part of her estate when she passes away anyway?

The fact that she's now offering to sell you the house suggests that she's had a rethink and has decided she does need the money (maybe she's realised how much care home fees cost and is thinking of the future?).

I think all you can do is say as much as you'd love to move into your late grand-mother's house, you simply can't afford to buy it. Reiterate to your mum that the mortgage payments would be 3x what you're currently paying and you simply can't afford that (I would have thought anyone would know that would be unaffordable because if you could afford it why wouldn't you be living in a bigger/costlier property already?).

CuriousGeorge80 · 08/10/2024 03:26

Have you asked her why she’s changed her mind? That’s where I would start. Then just tell her you can’t afford it and close the discussion down

Endllllessslyendingggs · 08/10/2024 03:26

Just keep repeating, very clearly, that you can’t afford the price she’s asking.

rubeexcube · 08/10/2024 03:33

Annoying that she has said she would gift it and now wants full whack (presumably). Particularly as you have a disabled DS.

But I guess that is what happens when the reality of money sets in. As pps have said be straight - you cannot afford it. It's up to her then what she decides.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 08/10/2024 03:39

It sounds like she has no immediate need of a lump sum of money. Can you suggest instead of taking on a mortgage you can't afford that she puts the house in your name and you make up a legal agreement to re pay her a sum of money you each month. That way she will have an income from it. Alternatively suggest that you rent it from her.

Ger1atricMillennial · 08/10/2024 03:39

Keep your boundaries OP. Your responsibility is to your DS now and you need to do what's best for him, and part of that is not having a very stressed parent.

If she wants it to stay in the family, she will make that easy for you.

RawBloomers · 08/10/2024 03:40

It’s odd that she had been talking about just giving it to you but is now asking you to buy it. And that she doesn’t seem to be grasping the idea that you just can’t afford it - which is a pretty straightforward.

There are a few possibilities I can think of. The first and I think most likely is that the idea of giving it to you seemed great when the reality of the value of it was theoretical, but now she’s actually got the money in her hands, so to speak, she doesn’t really want to. But she doesn’t want to face up to what that means in terms of not being as generous towards you after she had promised you. So the failing to accept that you can’t afford it is about making it your choice not to take it, not hers.
Another possibility is that she can’t really fathom how much house prices have outstripped salaries - so the idea you can’t afford it just seems too unlikely to her? This seems pretty unlikely to me unless she’s out of touch with many different aspects of affordability.
Another possibility - personality changes are one of the early signs of dementia. I think you’d expect to see other signs unrelated to the house if this were the case, though.

10milliondollars · 08/10/2024 03:44

I don’t know what other choice you have other than to say you can’t afford it. It’s likely she doesn’t need the money but she’s reflected on how she’d enjoy having it.

RickiRaccoon · 08/10/2024 03:51

Is she wanting to sell it to you at below market price rather than gift it to you?
I think people have every intention of being generous with hypothetical money and assets but, when it comes to it, they find it hard to be as generous as they intended. I just smile and nod whenever what my parents and ILs mention inheritance because you never know how it'll work out in the end.

Bertgotkinky · 08/10/2024 03:52

Ger1atricMillennial · 08/10/2024 03:39

Keep your boundaries OP. Your responsibility is to your DS now and you need to do what's best for him, and part of that is not having a very stressed parent.

If she wants it to stay in the family, she will make that easy for you.

This. Is bang on the money. I would forget about this whole business in total. If your mum broaches the subject tell her straight you can’t afford her terms and leave it at that. Don’t get into deeper conversation about it or show any anger. Move on accept the fact that perhaps what was reality before certainly isn’t going to be the reality now. Don’t dwell or stress your son is the top priority here.

CuriousGeorge80 · 08/10/2024 03:53

FWIW, this is the exact type of thing my MIL would do. Make all sorts of promises about money and then come good on none of them despite being very wealthy. I don’t think it’s that uncommon. Sadly.

AffableApple · 08/10/2024 03:56

Has she had the house valued? Presumably she needs to sell to you at something around market value, or it would be seen as a deprivation of assets if it came to any care requirements for her? Selling to you cheaply could cause you both huge problems down the line. This sounds really stressful though, I'm sorry.

TerrorAustralis · 08/10/2024 04:06

If you’re willing to be open about your financial situation with your Mum, can you sit her down and show on paper your income and outgoings, and then show the same if you were paying the hypothetical mortgage on GM’s house? Seeing it in black and white might help her understand.

The other approach could be to suggest you rent GM’s house from her. Keep your existing house and rent that out to a tenant so you still have your own property.

Ilovelifeveryverymuch · 08/10/2024 04:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BlackToes · 08/10/2024 04:11

What is she asking for? Are you able to take a longer mortgage so it spans many more years?

coffy11 · 08/10/2024 04:18

How does your mum not understand that you can't afford it? Just tell her you can't afford it and don't want to talk about it anymore.

netflixfan · 08/10/2024 04:18

There are so many properties on the market, you might as well look at other houses if your mum wants the full price. you may wish to buy it, or you may not. Giving you the house is totally different.

BoBoBigUns · 08/10/2024 04:27

What will your mum actually do with the cash from sale of the house?
Don't see much point in selling to you , if its all going to be left to you in the end.
Sensible thing would be for you to just move in, with no exchange of money.

RawBloomers · 08/10/2024 04:41

AffableApple · 08/10/2024 03:56

Has she had the house valued? Presumably she needs to sell to you at something around market value, or it would be seen as a deprivation of assets if it came to any care requirements for her? Selling to you cheaply could cause you both huge problems down the line. This sounds really stressful though, I'm sorry.

It would only be deprivation of assets if OP’s mum can reasonably foresee needing more cash than she currently has in assets to pay for care. It’s a high bar and hard to prove. It needs to be a clearer need than thinking that many people need care as they get older (or no one would ever be able to give anything away). If she’s currently living in her own home without needing carers and isn’t looking for care or just had a diagnosis that makes care inevitable, it’s unlikely she’d meet that threshold.

FrauPaige · 08/10/2024 04:44

@JustQuickone You can only afford what you can afford. Let it go.

We had to let our family house go. It was painful, my siblings and I loved the place and had so many memories there. But we had all made our own lives by then and had our own properties.

Just tell your mum you can't afford it and put it out of your mind. She will do what she will do. Its frustrating and disappointing, but be amicable. There are many good reasons to fall out with a parent - inheritance is not one of them. I feel for you.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 08/10/2024 04:48

Can you say to her if she signs it over to you you'll give her whatever you get for your current house after the mortgage is cleared? Or that if she signs it over to you you will pay her what you're currently paying on your mortgage each month until your current mortgage amount would've been paid off?
Is her proposal less than the property is worth?

MimiSunshine · 08/10/2024 05:10

You say you made her an offer to buy it. Was that truly genuine or deep down were you thinking it was the right thing to do but that she’d bat you away and say don’t be silly, it’s yours.

if it was genuine, have you actually given her a number of what you can afford? If not, start there.
say this is what I can afford to pay you for the house and then reiterate that if she wants more for it then it’ll have to be sold.