Hubby can’t stop drinking, help?

[Blu13]

Long shot here but I feel like I have no one to turn to to ask for advice, my husband drinks everyday and has actually a lot of the time convinced me to think there is no problem as he says it’s only 4 to 6 pints a night and then on a weekend it’s 10 pints every Saturday and

Sunday, when I bring this to his attention and plead with him to stop he cuts down and then goes on to a bottle of wine a night instead. Today my friend came round and he was slurring his words and my friend asked me why I put up with it and I said I honestly dont even think about it that much because I’m just so used to it. And my friend said but your so much better than this and deserve to be loved and appreciated by someone who puts you and the kids first, I suppose it kind of woke me up to it again. I will mention this started in lockdown after we had a baby and he was furloughed, it became a past time where he was having a drink with lunch and then it turned in to an everyday thing before long I realised this is becoming a problem. It’s now 4 years on and I’ve just become used to it. We’ve had some big arguments where I actually wake up for a moment and think why am I putting up with this why am I sat next to someone who’s drunk 5 nights out of 7 who gets mad when I don’t want to have sex with him because who has the desire to do that with a drunk man to be honest, but since last year I haven’t got it in me to argue, my dad died suddenly and I’ve been navigating grief whilst holding my head above water with work and most importantly being a mum. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or say? Do I leave at this point because nothing ever changes.

You can't work things out with an alcoholic OP. They prioritise drink over everything else. You could read up on co dependency and look into Al Anon which is for the family and friends of alcoholics.

I'm sorry about your loss. You might find Cruse helpful, they offer free bereavement counselling.

I chose the middle option. Because people do recover from alcoholism. But he’s in that impossible state where it’s not bad enough yet for him to realise he’s an alcoholic.

Your husband is an alcoholic. Unless he wants to go into recovery there is nothing you can do. It’s not fair for children to be raised in this environment. You need to leave.

Yes, you need to leave.

Even if you are surprised to hear your friend's words, and even if you dont really believe her yet that you deserve better, you owe it to your kids to provide them with a home where they don't have to witness the sorry spectacle of a parent they can't rely on for any connection or sense of safety.

Go to Al Anon meetings. (Al.Anon is for people who are affected by someone else's choice to put alcohol first).

Get organised. See a solicitor. Get advice about debts and rights to home.

Reach out to friends and family. Ignore those who try to guilt trip you into staying.

As the child of an alcoholic father whose mum only left in her late 60s, please go, take your children. You kids see the alcoholism and it affects them too. Both you and they deserve better than someone who will always put the booze first.
you leaving may be the thing that kick starts a recovery, or he may not recover and continue to chose the booze. But at least you get to live your life away from it.

Saying it’s a valid question does not in any way detract from the shitty comment of her being happy for him to self destruct. You should be ashamed.

Oh he knows, he just won’t admit it. The booze comes first.

I voted leave . There is nothing in your post that suggests he wants to stop . Even if you tell him you are leaving ,he might say he will try but reality he doesn’t want to .

6 pints a night in the week and ten at the weekend? That's a huge amount. Sounds miserable for you. My ex was an alcoholic and honestly, there's nothing you can do. I know it's hard but it's really best to leave.

What a lot of self indulgent crap.

No one but the alcoholic can save them, not a spouse, sibling or parent.

Did you deliberately miss out the fact that op has lost her father recently and is trying to cope with that grief AND supporting her mother AND having to take on ALL things for the child/ren because guess who's not thinking about anyone but themselves here.... the alcoholic father.

What if he is an alcoholic that his kids adore ? Who always makes time for them plays with them takes them anywhere they want to go. What if getting rid of him would absolutely destroy his children who love him ?

Not every alcoholic is an abusive useless bum. Maybe look into the different types before condemning him to lose his family.

Yet another person who knows nothing, absolutely nothing, about alcoholics and alcoholism. Go away.

Obviously you don’t. Go away proves you can’t debate without being biased to your own personal views.

Are you an alcoholic? Do you think someone else is responsible for saving you?

The only thing an alcoholic cares about is alcohol, it is very damaging for children to grow up knowing this.

Honestly op you and your kids deserve better.

And what about the op? Doesn't she deserve a happy life, free from living with someone who is absent from their relationship because he prioritises alcohol?

I left my alcoholic ex when my children were young. Best thing I ever did. No regrets ever. He did eventually recover but he would never have done it if I’d stayed.

Don’t let your child grow up with an alcoholic in the house, they will never forgive you!

Agree that growing up with an alcoholic parent is very scary and damaging, no matter how good the parent thinks they are at hiding it, the child knows that the parent is on some level unsafe, not trustworthy, a liar.

OP, its so hard. I won't clamour for you to pack up and leave right now. What I do want to tell you is you can't help him, you can't stop him drinking, there's no point begging/pleading/making bargains with him about it. He won't stop until he is ready, which might be never.

I am so sorry.

That's a really important point. Often they need that kind of shock, like losing their family, to be the rock bottom that leads to seeking help and getting sober. Staying with someone like that can sort of legitimise what they're doing, in their mind.

Hi Op, I am married to a functioning alcoholic and not in a dissimilar situation. I've known there's been a problem for years but only recently (after he had a depressive episode) did he recognise he had a problem with alcohol. He went sober for 3 weeks and is back drinking.

I organised help for him but he lies constantly to the psychiatrists about his drinking and at the end of the day - the only person who can help them is them self, if they want too.

It's very easy for others to say to leave - I personally feel trapped as I'm not working and our child is autistic and adhd.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this, I just want you to know you're not alone.

PS ignore the OldDad poster, they are not centre-ing you and the children here, that poster is all about the bloke. I curl my lip at all the whataboutery.

Talk to him when he's sober and be firm - his drinking is a problem and you're not willing to stay quiet and go along with it any more. He needs help to stop, if he's willing to try. The first step is to visit his GP.

If he's not willing to admit that he has a drink problem then you need to decide - are you willing to live like this (and have your children living with an alcoholic) or do you want to separate? Do you think you would be happier without him if he's not going to change? Only you can decide OP.

I'm sorry to read your post, Blu13.
My ex-wife was a functioning alcoholic in denial. When I tried to get help from her relatives, they backed her, and did nothing. Within 3 years our marriage had failed. I wish I'd acted more decisively sooner.
Until an alcoholic admits that they need help, it's really hard for everyone around them.
I wish you well.

Alcoholics love drink more than anything, tell him to leave, you deserve better.