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Original poster

Hubby can’t stop drinking, help?

79 replies

Blu13 · 06/10/2024 22:01

Long shot here but I feel like I have no one to turn to to ask for advice, my husband drinks everyday and has actually a lot of the time convinced me to think there is no problem as he says it’s only 4 to 6 pints a night and then on a weekend it’s 10 pints every Saturday and

Sunday, when I bring this to his attention and plead with him to stop he cuts down and then goes on to a bottle of wine a night instead. Today my friend came round and he was slurring his words and my friend asked me why I put up with it and I said I honestly dont even think about it that much because I’m just so used to it. And my friend said but your so much better than this and deserve to be loved and appreciated by someone who puts you and the kids first, I suppose it kind of woke me up to it again. I will mention this started in lockdown after we had a baby and he was furloughed, it became a past time where he was having a drink with lunch and then it turned in to an everyday thing before long I realised this is becoming a problem. It’s now 4 years on and I’ve just become used to it. We’ve had some big arguments where I actually wake up for a moment and think why am I putting up with this why am I sat next to someone who’s drunk 5 nights out of 7 who gets mad when I don’t want to have sex with him because who has the desire to do that with a drunk man to be honest, but since last year I haven’t got it in me to argue, my dad died suddenly and I’ve been navigating grief whilst holding my head above water with work and most importantly being a mum. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or say? Do I leave at this point because nothing ever changes.

OP posts:
PruBerry · 07/10/2024 19:13

mathanxiety · 07/10/2024 04:50

You're saying she needs to centre the alcoholic in her approach to this problem, and not the children.

This makes the alcoholism her problem, and shoves the massive problems of the children to one side.

The most unhappy people who had an alcoholic parent that I know are those whose sober parent centered the alcoholic. Most now have no relationship with either parent. This is because they felt a deep sense of complete betrayal by the one parent who was capable of acting on their behalf.

Show quote history

You have phrased this so well I feel tearful. Exactly my experience. Everything centred around how to help the alcoholic parent, making it everyone else’s problem and them just the poor victim.

samarrange · 07/10/2024 20:56

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 07/10/2024 18:59

@samarrange yes, you're correct - and I did add a correction of "dear" in my subsequent post. I'm assuming that AA doesn't want research conducted because we rely on anonymity? I can't speak for all members (obviously) but the success rate among people o know is pretty high - a lot of old timers. Some good friends initially came into the rooms because their husband/wife issued an ultimatum: get sober or get out. They often started with resentment and came to realise that it was the best thing for them. Or they were shocked to the core to find their relationship hanging by a thread, went to rehab and then to regular meetings.

The opposite of addiction (we say) is connection. When people think of AA, they probably imagine meetings - that's a small part of it. Working the programme and having the support of literally hundreds of people, no competition, all wanting the best for each other - that's why it works for me and many others.

I'm assuming that AA doesn't want research conducted because we rely on anonymity?

Plenty of social science and medical research is conducted on people whose need for anonymity is at least as great as that of AA members, so that shouldn't be a barrier. From researchers to whom I've spoken about it, it seems that the organisation itself is just not very keen on scrutiny. That's fine, they're a private movement/charity and they're not dodgy like, say, the Scientologists, but I think it would be nice if we could learn more about which aspects of AA work best and try to integrate those into more overtly secular treatment programmes.

Viviennemary · 07/10/2024 21:01

A lot of people's drinking got worse during lockdown. I can't tell you whether to leave or stay. But you can't carry on with the situation as it is. It must be unbearable. He needs to admit he has a problem amd do something about it. If he won't the future is bleak.

BatsInSpring · 07/10/2024 21:12

He needs to leave the family home. Children should not be raised by an alcoholic.
If he wants to get sober and commit to being a complete and authentic parent and husband then maybe you can save the relationship longer term.

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