Hubby can’t stop drinking, help?

[Blu13]

Long shot here but I feel like I have no one to turn to to ask for advice, my husband drinks everyday and has actually a lot of the time convinced me to think there is no problem as he says it’s only 4 to 6 pints a night and then on a weekend it’s 10 pints every Saturday and

Sunday, when I bring this to his attention and plead with him to stop he cuts down and then goes on to a bottle of wine a night instead. Today my friend came round and he was slurring his words and my friend asked me why I put up with it and I said I honestly dont even think about it that much because I’m just so used to it. And my friend said but your so much better than this and deserve to be loved and appreciated by someone who puts you and the kids first, I suppose it kind of woke me up to it again. I will mention this started in lockdown after we had a baby and he was furloughed, it became a past time where he was having a drink with lunch and then it turned in to an everyday thing before long I realised this is becoming a problem. It’s now 4 years on and I’ve just become used to it. We’ve had some big arguments where I actually wake up for a moment and think why am I putting up with this why am I sat next to someone who’s drunk 5 nights out of 7 who gets mad when I don’t want to have sex with him because who has the desire to do that with a drunk man to be honest, but since last year I haven’t got it in me to argue, my dad died suddenly and I’ve been navigating grief whilst holding my head above water with work and most importantly being a mum. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or say? Do I leave at this point because nothing ever changes.

Why would he be absent? Because you believe so. Your views are not based on every alcoholic on earth. Which I assume is an abusive smelly tramp drinking whisky . Social media and film doesn’t replicate real life . Educate yourself

Are you an alcoholic? If not how can you possibly say they love drinking more than anything? Utter nonsense

Absolutely.

Hi OP. I have recently quit drinking due to having a problematic relationship with alcohol like your husband.

Once you get into a habit of drinking, it’s so hard to break. I don’t think you should give up entirely on someone who has a problem with alcohol. But it might be a good idea to scare him into thinking he’s finally blown it. Sometimes people just need real fear to push them to quit drinking.

Can you sit down and talk with him and explain that he’s choosing alcohol over you every day, he clearly can’t moderate his drinking so he needs to quit altogether? At least for a long, long time until he’s entirely broken the habit. For some drinkers, the idea of quitting drinking forever is terrifying, overwhelming, and seems impossible. It puts them off even trying. If he’s one of these people, then you can give him a goal. Make it fairly big, but not terrifyingly large. Quitting for, say, 100 days - having 100 days entirely alcohol free, can be a very achievable goal. You can discuss with him how, if he feels like he’d like to reintroduce alcohol after that then he can but with very clear boundaries. For example, no drinking at home. Only drinking on special occasions. No more than 3 drinks at a time. No more than 2 drinking days per month. Or whatever works for you two.

Perhaps after the 100 days he will feel amazing and proud and, in his new clear headed state, won’t want to go back to drinking. Or maybe he will decide that he wants to try moderation going forward. For some people, the long period of quitting breaks the habit of binging and they’re able to reset and moderate their drinking in the future. Others might fail during their period of moderation and will have to start over. But once he’s shown he’s willing to do the work, at least you know it’s possible for him to change.

The problem is of course that drinkers can only change when they personally feel they need to change. So like I said earlier, scare him if you need to. AFTER having this conversation, if he doesn’t respond well to it or isn’t willing to do it, leave. Say you’re leaving him until he’s willing to choose you over alcohol. Do some research about the damage he’s doing to his body and tell him. 4 years of drinking like this could have done some real damage, but luckily the liver is capable of healing itself, at least to some extent, if people quit. Reading some of he posts about this on the Alcohol Support thread on Mumsnet really motivated me to stay sober!

So I am not going to just say ‘LTB’ like everyone on MN does because it’s not that easy, but I will say do whatever you need to do to scare him and make him realize how out of control his drinking has got, and how he will lose everything if he doesn’t quit.

OP you must put the needs of the children first. That may mean leaving your husband.

Drinking is often a coping strategy long before it becomes an addiction. Alcoholics may feel ashamed of their addiction, and low self esteem can make them feel that they are not worth ‘saving’, or they will carry on drinking to avoid these painful feelings. And the root problems will need to be addressed or the drinking will start again - that is where the really hard work starts.

Your husband may be able to stop if he faces the situation, decides to stop, and gets help.

But while he is actively drinking it’s not a good outlook for the children.

Good luck.

Finally someone with understanding.

This absolutely isn’t true at all. What a damaging statement. As PPs said, alcoholism is a disease and sick people need support to recover. Of course, alcoholics need to want to get better or they won’t. That’s the difference between addiction and other illnesses, and the main reason why people are ignorant about it, I think. They think it’s an easy choice and that those who aren’t in the right place to get better simply don’t want to. But that’s not true at all.

if he does decide to stop, he may need medical supervision. Cold turkey can be very dangerous.

Wow 6 pints a night!! My DH was having a pint a night like twice a week and a few pints on the weekend and he doesn't really get drunk tbh but it used to piss me off and I thought it was to much especially in routine. My father was an alcoholic (we are no contact now so no idea if he still is) I don't drink at all and seeing someone close to me even drinking the amount my DH was always worried me that it would turn to 2 a night then 3 then 4 then I've got an alcoholic on my hands. Luckily I expressed this and he stopped anyway as it was no biggy for him he just enjoyed a cold beef after work in the summer sometimes! This is just going to get worse and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Before it affects you further and your children please leave. I guarantee he'd choose booze over all of you any day. Alcoholics can only help themself when there ready unfortunately

I hear you, he is a functioning alcoholic for sure, he works full time and provides for our family, but equally he is an alcoholic. I think staying for your children is something a lot of women do because ultimately you always put your children first and coming from a broken home myself I know how heartbreaking that feeling is as a child. That being said is staying in a marriage just for your children selfish to yourself? It’s a tough one.

Research children of alcoholics and how being brought up by an alcoholic parent effects them.

This was me 10 years ago, putting up with it and being made to feel like I was being unreasonable because most people drink right? And I'm a light weight drinker so anything more than 2 glasses of wine seems a lot to me.
So I put up with it until I had major surgery and he took a week off to look after me as I could do very little for myself . He'd make me a cuppa in the morning then would nip to the pub at lunchtime then sleep it off for the rest of the day. He was absolutely no help at all to me.
It brought things to a head and I asked him to leave. He was a bit shocked and asked if I would change my mind . We had lots of hard difficult discussions and he agreed to give AA a try and in his first meeting said that his wife had a desire for him to stop drinking. He was told to basically listen to other people's stories. Not all alcoholics sleep on a park bench drinking turps .

He made the commitment to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. He stopped drinking after the second week and has been sober for 10 years but this is rare. Only 5 % of people " get it" and stay stopped. We were lucky but I absolutely would have gone through with it and completely separated.

I don’t want to have sex with him because who has the desire to do that with a drunk man to be honest,

OP, this sounds horrendous, he's basically putting you in harms way, not only STI,s but Aids too.

You have every right to refuse sex with a man or anyone!

Blimey, that’s a leap.

Do you know what else is heartbreaking?
And traumatizing?
Seeing your father drunk and incapable day in and day out.
Knowing he's physically there but not there in any other way.
Knowing he has chosen to disconnect from you.

Protect your children from the damage this will cause by removing them from it.

Do not stay in this marriage for the sake of the children. It would be the opposite of what they need.

All alcoholics are by definition abusive.

Addiction is the choice to disconnect from everyone you should be connected to. It is an insidious form of emotional and psychological abuse. It does immense damage to children trapped in the home.

You're saying she needs to centre the alcoholic in her approach to this problem, and not the children.

This makes the alcoholism her problem, and shoves the massive problems of the children to one side.

The most unhappy people who had an alcoholic parent that I know are those whose sober parent centered the alcoholic. Most now have no relationship with either parent. This is because they felt a deep sense of complete betrayal by the one parent who was capable of acting on their behalf.

And furthermore, the one thing you will learn when you go to Al Anon is that you didn't cause the alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Those posters urging you to engage deeper with the alcoholic, to wheedle, to coax, to make his problem your responsibility perhaps don't want to hear how horribly alcoholism affects children.

You can't control or cure the alcoholism.

You can only remove yourself and your children from the damaging environment and let the chips fall where they may.

@mathanxiety, @Katielovesteatime said the OP should leave if he doesn’t sort this out. If the OP feels she can try talking to him once more, understanding the perspective of the person who is in the grip of the addiction could be helpful, as most people just close down if they feel criticised and blamed. The main thing is to get him to see that he has a problem and then to get him to seek help.

But if he won’t or can’t, she isn’t at fault and she doesn’t have to stay in the relationship for his sake.

By staying with him and sweeping his behaviour under the carpet you are enabling him. You can phone Al Anon at anytime, you don’t have to go to a meeting. This is what I did. You need to talk to your OH when he’s sober and issue an ultimatum. I’m lucky my OH sought help and we’ve both given up alcohol completely. He’s much healthier and we are both much happier.

I don’t think the OP is sweeping anything under the carpet. She has tried to get him to stop and is coming to terms with the fact that he hasn’t.

Well done for getting through this yourself.

What do you think were the factors that made your husband seek help?

That makes no sense, you’re staying in the marriage for you, at least own that. It is incredibly damaging to be brought up in a home with alcoholism. This man was even slurring when your friend came round, it was so bad she had to speak to you about it, and it’s clearly not the first time, as no one says whay she says the first time.

leaving would be for the children. Staying is for you.

She even says in her op she was doing that, that she’s just used to it, occasionally wakes up but basically just accepts it.