Hubby can’t stop drinking, help?

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Long shot here but I feel like I have no one to turn to to ask for advice, my husband drinks everyday and has actually a lot of the time convinced me to think there is no problem as he says it’s only 4 to 6 pints a night and then on a weekend it’s 10 pints every Saturday and

Sunday, when I bring this to his attention and plead with him to stop he cuts down and then goes on to a bottle of wine a night instead. Today my friend came round and he was slurring his words and my friend asked me why I put up with it and I said I honestly dont even think about it that much because I’m just so used to it. And my friend said but your so much better than this and deserve to be loved and appreciated by someone who puts you and the kids first, I suppose it kind of woke me up to it again. I will mention this started in lockdown after we had a baby and he was furloughed, it became a past time where he was having a drink with lunch and then it turned in to an everyday thing before long I realised this is becoming a problem. It’s now 4 years on and I’ve just become used to it. We’ve had some big arguments where I actually wake up for a moment and think why am I putting up with this why am I sat next to someone who’s drunk 5 nights out of 7 who gets mad when I don’t want to have sex with him because who has the desire to do that with a drunk man to be honest, but since last year I haven’t got it in me to argue, my dad died suddenly and I’ve been navigating grief whilst holding my head above water with work and most importantly being a mum. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do or say? Do I leave at this point because nothing ever changes.

I've been in AA for over 18 years. Yes, the alcoholic absolutely is responsible for their recovery - and essentially has to put sobriety ahead of everything else. However, there are many long term success stories in AA whereby they were issued an ultimatum by someone far to them - stop drinking or that's it. They then realised the catastrophic and devastating consequences of them drinking and managed to stop and - more importantly - to stay stopped, one day at a time.

Yes, an active alcoholic does put drink before anything and anyone else. We are selfish, deceitful and manipulative but underneath and without alcohol, we are all pretty much kind, functioning, decent people. Weirdly enough we are huge people pleasers too.

The key is what's been mentioned many times - the alcoholic has to want, with the gift of desperation, to stop drinking and until that time comes, nothing and nobody can help them. That's when you should detach with love, as they say.

Someone dear to them - not far!

I’m quite interested in your story. Are you an alcoholic yourself? Is your partner the alcoholic or a parent? There is obviously a story here.

The issue people have with alcoholism (or any other addiction) being put in the same category as other diseases is the toxicity, abuse and fear for ourselves and our children’s safety. Addiction is very different to if a parent has, say, cancer. You can’t just lump alcoholism in with cancer or similar life threatening diseases and expect family’s to deal with it in the same way.

He’s a functioning alcoholic because that’s the stage before non-functioning alcoholic and that can flip in a heartbeat. One more drink can take it to the next stage. You need to have a plan in place if you sense the stages are changing because, as I say, it can flip very quickly.

Do not put your kids (or yourself) through life with a non-functioning alcoholic so be prepared, have a plan. I thank god I got my children out of it as I would never have forgiven myself if they’d have to come home from school to a stinky, sour smelling belligerent father who may or may not have pissed on the sofa (professional, good job, high salaried functioning alcoholic, till he wasn’t). I’m really proud of myself for not giving them that life.

This isn’t true at all. Alcoholics are sick. Many alcoholics don’t seem like alcoholics - they put the children to bed and then open the first drink, they get up for work the next day. They might be boring and bad company while drinking but a LOT of alcoholics aren’t hurting anyone but themselves.

It is painful for people when their loved ones are unable to choose them over alcohol. It is painful that it takes a lot to make some ready to stop drinking. It is painful that some people are never ready and stay in the grips of their disease forever, slowly losing everything and everyone as their life spirals out of control.

But alcoholics are sick. They have a disease. It’s not a simple choice. And even those who DO make the choice to quit drinking can’t necessarily do it at the drop of a hat the first time someone asks them to.

It is NOT abusive to be sick. It is NOT abusive to be physically unable to simply put down an addiction because you’re asked.

It’s a cruel and sad sickness, but it IS a sickness.

Alcoholism is considered a 'disease' because it progresses and often gets much worse. You're making out that alcoholics have absolutely no agency. The only way out of alcoholism is for the alcoholic to commit to giving up drink, otherwise it's a death sentence.

Alcoholism effects everyone they know, especially their families. Alcoholics tend to be selfish, irresponsible and manipulative. They can't be trusted to look after their children because they drink.

Alcoholic homes are highly dysfunctional and it deeply affects children. They can grow up with myriad mental health issues including co dependency and alcoholism. It's deeply unhealthy to stay with an alcoholic.

@katielovesteatime I am the widow of an alcoholic. I stayed for almost 7 years and gave him dozens of chances. He took none of them. Before he became abusive, he was absent - other than bringing in a wage - and I also worked full-time earning the same as he did - he might as well not have been there.

What he did, even before becoming text book abusive, was damage us. He did not support us, he took no interest in us, he ignored the good and bad moments because he was only thinking of his next drink.

And boy did he whinge about no sex - but why should I have sex with a man who filled the bedroom with the stink of stale alcohol sweat?

The best thing I ever did was leave. The worst thing I did was stay for too long. OP is under no obligation to stay until he decides to quit, especially because that may well be never. She needs to put her children's welfare first, then her own, and he can be the distant third until he accepts he has a problem and starts doing something to address it.

OP, come over to the alcohol support board. There's a thread there for people who are where you are now. You will find mutual support and advice from people who are out on the other side.

He has a better chance of doing those things teetotal.

If he can't admit he has a problem - leave.
Best case it will be the kick start he needs to stopping...
From personal experience even repeated rehabs & detoxes failed to work & I left when DC started school. He has got progressively worse & has dropped out of DC life of his own volition 😣

Can you try to put some house rules on drinking, you don't have a first drink till 6pm, only one drink an hour, or whatever rules you think he might try to stick to. He isn't suddenly going to go cold turkey, if you can work with him to gradually cut down. Maybe try one alcohol free day a week, say Monday if he's had a lot over the weekend. Good luck.

I think you're wasting your time.

Staying for the kids is what I did for 5 years.
DC are so much happier without that negative, toxic energy and atmosphere. I am no longer walking on eggshells (Ex was abusive) and this is obvious to them.
Good luck whatever you decide

This.

My dad was an alcoholic and then my mum became one. My dad was verbally and emotionally abusive with it; my mum just became a crying mess.

It damaged my relationship with them both irrevocably. I resented my mum for not putting us first and leaving my dad.

Give him an ultimatum and be prepared to leave. Only talk to him about it when he's sober.

Sorry for what you’ve gone through, but I’m not sure why I’m tagged in this? Not once have I said that OP is in any way obliged to stay? As I said in my post, I was offering suggestions on how to approach the situation if she’s trying to make her husband realize that it’s now or never. As I said, this is because sometimes, the fear of losing everything is enough of a wake up call to scare an alcoholic into realizing they need to quit before it’s too late. Other posters have pointed out that, while alcoholics do need to be ready to change, the fear of losing the people they can can, and has, encouraged lots of alcoholics to finally quit.

Its helpful to hear different opinions from different people who have different experiences. That’s why people post on public forums to ask for advice.

I absolutely disagree that sometimes they aren’t hurting anyone (only themselves) that is wrong! Even functioning alcoholics hurt people because family know what they are and it’s stressful to not know if and when it’s going to go up a level. Alcoholics hurt people full stop!

Good luck with that.

It's less painful to sign divorce papers than death certificates.

@Katielovesteatime as a recovering alcoholic, I believe that we do have a choice. It might be seen as a disease but the act of picking up a drink and swallowing is a choice - that first drink always is, but the hundred that follow are no longer a choice. Our brains react differently to an infinitesimal amount of alcohol and it sets up a craving so that we want more and more until, more often than not, we pass out.

Even functional alcoholics have a pretty good awareness that they are harming those they love. Step 8 in AA is making a list of all those we have harmed - step 9 is making amends. It's a huge part of working the programme, as well as having total acceptance that we have no power at all over alcohol and that we can never kid ourselves that we can have one thimbleful of drink.

Cutting down is doomed to failure. It doesn't work. Total abstinence is the only way.

@Katielovesteatime the reason I tagged you is that you paint alcoholics as the victim of their own illness. And yes, it's an illness - but like any other illness, the sufferer has a choice about whether or not to acknowledge it and seek treatment. Active alcoholics like OP's husband don't do that. And while they persist in denial, their families suffer enormously. This is why, especially when their are children in the mix, I will always advocate separation as an option to consider very seriously, not as a last resort. I see the damage I did to my children by staying and I regret not acting sooner every day, even though they're adults now.

@twomanyfrogsinabox you're putting responsibility for OP's husband's recovery on OP. That is never acceptable. It's his responsibility and his alone.

Mine tried to put it all on me with spreadsheets and all kind of crap. When I told him it was rehab or divorce, he told me that it was likely he would then drink more in the runup to going to rehab - I told him kindly and politely that if he did, that would be his choice and his responsibility.

Addicts are manipulative.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I know. I've done both.

However, there are many long term success stories in AA whereby they were issued an ultimatum by someone far to them - stop drinking or that's it.

Somewhat relatedly, I read a long time ago that while all treatments for alcoholism have poor success rates (including AA, which is very reticent about allow people to research it), one of the "least unsuccessful" ones is a solid dressing-down from a doctor about what it will do to you long-term.

(I assume that the word "far" in the quoted sentence should have said "near" or "dear" and got autocorrected, so this is "somewhat related" in that a doctor typically isn't "near" or "dear"...)

@samarrange yes, you're correct - and I did add a correction of "dear" in my subsequent post. I'm assuming that AA doesn't want research conducted because we rely on anonymity? I can't speak for all members (obviously) but the success rate among people o know is pretty high - a lot of old timers. Some good friends initially came into the rooms because their husband/wife issued an ultimatum: get sober or get out. They often started with resentment and came to realise that it was the best thing for them. Or they were shocked to the core to find their relationship hanging by a thread, went to rehab and then to regular meetings.

The opposite of addiction (we say) is connection. When people think of AA, they probably imagine meetings - that's a small part of it. Working the programme and having the support of literally hundreds of people, no competition, all wanting the best for each other - that's why it works for me and many others.

He’s an alcoholic and you have shut your eyes to it for so many reasons - getting through lockdown, having a baby and losing your dad. You are trying to work and function.
He is drinking to excess every day, all day, and that’s now his life. Right there.
As for pestering you for sex that’s just as bad. He clearly had no concept of caring for you as his wife and then as a mother.
Yes, alcoholics can recover but it’s a long road and they usually have to hit rock bottom after admitting they have a problem.
Children of alcoholics really suffer. There are so many treads I’ve read from adults where their problems began in alcoholic household.
You are not an alcoholic. You are a functioning, working parent. You need to put yourself and your DC first and get out.
It doesn’t mean you won’t love your DH or care about what happens but as it stands he has no motivation to change. He is getting what he wants from alcohol and his relationship is with that.
Al-Anon are a great source of information.