How do you accept ‘failing’ at life

[ASDnocareer]

I have autism and deep down always knew I would find it harder to achieve ‘normal’ things but I still desperately craved having some resemblance of a normal life.
I didn’t expect to achieve anything exceptional, I’m not materialistic, but I will confess I didn’t expect to mess up this badly.

I dreamed of having a partner, family, some kind of career path which gave me job security, a pension, and maybe even a home one day.

Instead I have been single my entire life despite using apps, having friends and hobbies. Stuck in low skilled work despite attending career events, graduating with a 2.1 and doing an industrial placement (with good performance reviews). I live in a flatshare, living paycheck to paycheck without saving for my pension, and money is constantly a worry.
I (perhaps naively) haven’t stopped trying by the way, to this day I still desperately apply for a wide range of entry level roles but my chances are only becoming slimmer with age, and the longer I’ve spent in “unskilled” work. Even after having my CV checked by professional friends and recruiters I still mostly get rejections or the very rare time I get an interview, my autism lets me down.

I’m no longer close with my parents or siblings because I’m so deeply ashamed of how much I failed in life. Any time I see them they will bring up my failings (“why haven’t you found a better job yet?” “When are you going to settle down?)

Every other family friend/relative managed to achieve most if not all of my ‘dreams’ which seem so far out of reach to me. I dread Christmas or weddings now because it only reminds me of how I messed up in life.

I’ve also started to lose my hair which I think may be due to stress and/or malnutrition, but it’s another problem I just don’t have the energy or money to acknowledge. Guess it’s just another thing to make my already tragic dating life harder.

I’m not depressed but what is there to look forward to in life when you failed to achieve all of your goals?
Sometimes I think I should humble myself and accept I’m just not good enough to achieve those things but

OP to me reading about you, you are doing so well actually. I hope you’ll come to see that and be proud of yourself .I can imagine it’s exhausting doing all the peopling that you must be doing and in the main it’s with NT people? You’re doing amazingly! Don’t beat yourself up about what others are doing in their own personal life stages, they will all have their own struggles and worries that they aren’t sharing with anyone. Everyone has something.

I also wondered if you could try talking therapy or counseling, you can ask your GP for help or there may be some self referral options depending on where you live. Also you could try tapping into networks of autistic people online and IRL to meet and socialise with some new people that maybe share some similar experiences?

If there are life goals you want to achieve for yourself, (not because of pressure from an external social timetable) then you’ve had good advice from coffeeandfags99

This stood out to me, about your family: Any time I see them they will bring up my failings (“why haven’t you found a better job yet?” “When are you going to settle down?) This is dreadful behaviour from them! Very undermining. You are only 29, supporting yourself, graduated, etc.

I was bullied in school and as a young child remember feeling too scared to tell my parents because I felt I brought it on somehow despite being a passive child. They also would discipline me for some of my autistic traits (eg shyness and stimming). Again, very unsupportive.

My parents are overly conservative, religious and don’t believe mental health issues are real. I remember hiding my NHS therapy appointment letter as a teen. Completely unacceptable to feel the need to hide a health issue.

Have you ever tried therapy to discuss your family background?

Around career I suggest finding some time to do a little voluntary work in any vaguely relevant area you'd be keen to progress in, to enhance your CV.

As PP have said - you have achieved more than you give yourself credit for. You have a permanent job, friends, a flat share. You are not living with your parents with no social life! And even if you were, no shame in being at a given point in your life and feeling stuck and wanting to move on. We've all been there!

I know loads of people (my self and DH included) who were single, in dead end jobs at 29 and in jobs they loved and happily married by mid thirties.

Can you take the pressure off yourself to have achieved something by a certain age? Instead, see life as long and flexible and start making small changes that might turn into something. Avoid comparing the one of you to the rest of the world as you will always be less than. It's easy to assume everyone else is sorted. But people you envy might be in relationships that don't make them happy or be saddled with mortgages that stress them. I'm not saying they are, just that people often present a perfect front to the world which can make others feel inadequate but the truth can be more nuanced.

To shake up your work rut, can you do a bit of freelance consulting at weekends for small local companies, to develop the marketing skills you'd prefer to be using and have something substantial and current to add to your CV.

Is it worth contacting HR in your company to discuss potential for developing your skills and using your abilities with more demanding work? Ask if there's any scope for secondment or to shadow someone in a different department.

Also, stop applying for entry level jobs. Apply for a stage or two above this. You may think you need to have 100% perfect experience but other applicants and employers won't necessarily expect this.

Go to night school once a week to gain a skill that fascinates you - whether related to your work or not. That's the sort of weird serendipitous thing that can give you an edge at interview. You learn Japanese at night school and a company happens to need a native English speaker who can speak a bit of Japanese. Or you learn knitting and a yarn company wants a new marketing officer. I know it sounds daft but I also know a lot of people whose route to the ideal job was due to unusual quirks like this.

With romance - are you mentioning autism on your profile? DS is autistic and once he stated this and said he's happy to date autistic women, he had much more fun and dated women he could really relate to. He's had some lovely girlfriends and is currently in a LTR. Have you tried specifically mentioning being happy to date autistic men?

OP, you haven’t failed in life. You’re still young, do you crave a relationship? Are you actively seeking a relationship? Keep applying for jobs, brush up on your skills and knowledge and take care of yourself. You’ve not failed in life and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Life works in mysterious ways, things can only get better. Be kind to yourself.

You don’t sound like you’re failing to me either.

Just thinking about your career ambitions, is there anyone at your current work who can support you in looking at career development opportunities? What’s your line manager like? Can you ask HR about any mentoring programmes? Can you request exposure to opportunities for experience in the areas you feel you’re lacking, ie get involved in a different project? In my experience I’ve found that you need to ask, and to push. Is there someone senior in the marketing team that you could ask for a short meeting / time for a quick coffee, and ask their advice?

Also, are you sure you’re not downplaying your skills (or being a bit too honest) on your cv / at interviews? I definitely don’t mean you should lie, but don’t overlook even small nuggets of experience or exposure to the hard skills you talk about.

I can't offer any career advice because I don't actually understand what it is that you do 😆 but if you're looking for a change you could look at disability confident employers. My organisation is one - essentially if you meet the minimum requirements and have a disability you get a guaranteed interview (we get literally thousands of applicants per role and aim to interview 5-8 so this is a significant advantage!). As a result, I'd say about 50% if not more of our workforce are neurodivergent (with a diagnosis, more are going through the process currently) and in turn that means we're very experienced when it comes to support, accessibility and further progression. The result is we have autistic employees who feel secure in their roles and have the confidence to take on further development opportunities and feeling safe to do so.

As for personal life, please look at self compassion practices, there will be some "self help" stuff online or you may wish to consider some counselling. Most areas will have a low cost option available, or you could look at the Supported Self Help program through Mind if you're in England
www.mind.org.uk/get-involved/supported-self-help/

You are not a failure, your path just isn't following the one you imagined. Your family sound difficult. My parents were the same so I get it. Growing up it was always "you got 98% on that exam, why didn't you get 100? You'll have to work harder next time". I crashed and burned at university, my mental health was in the toilet (spent my 21st birthday with a psychiatrist) and never graduated.

Your self worth comes from within, rather than from other people. Please be kind to yourself 🩵

@coffeeandfags99 gave some really good advice upthread.

Re read your op. Think of the basic facts as stars in a constellation - you've linked them a certain way and said they look like the plough. Link them a different way and they'll look like something else.

I mean you're putting a negative spin on everything. You can consciously decide to tell a different story about yourself. You've survived a challenging family, got a degree, live independently, hold down a job, still have lots of hopes and dreams. Try to stop going through life thinking 'I'm not good enough and everyone knows it'. Don't compare yourself to others, just make baby steps towards the things you want to do.

I'd find some ND friends/support groups to help make you feel grounded too.

Do you ever think how amazing it is you live now - it's definitely hard but there's more awareness of autism than ever before. Once autistic people often ended up shut off in asylums all their lives. They'd have dreamed of the kind of life you already have. I don't mean you should be grateful etc just have a sense of where you are in the history of things.

Here's a song you reminded me of - you're doing better than you know. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_2qXt0WUHvc

I am also autistic. I left school with basic qualifications, worked in low pay jobs , met a man who was abusive and got pregnant at 21.

I was in the abusive relationship ten years and had two children. Shortly before we split I started my own business which became successful and I ran it for ten years. I earned a lot of money.

I became a single parent and managed to keep my house and juggled parenting and self employment.

After being single for a couple of years I met my dh, I also started a degree . Once I graduated at 35 and closed my business to get a job in chosen field. I couldn't get anything and ended up settling for a low paid job in a similar field.

Dh and I got married, had a baby and I got promotions at work. Ds began to show signs of asd. I struggled with new responsibilities/heavy work load and managing ds/ negotiating diagnosis process. I had a breakdown,lost my job and spent 2/3 years recovering.

Im 45 now I have a 9 year old autistic son who will need life long care. Dh is great and works long hours to support us so a lot of that responsibility falls on me . I work part time in a low pay job I enjoy.

Our life is challenging but we all love each other. I was ok looking when I was younger I'm now over weight and look old. I have to manage my mental health daily. I don't really have friends and I'm not close to extended family. But I love my life, I do things to nurture it. I've stopped being hard on myself.

My (long) point is I've been successful, I've failed, I've made poor choices, I've made excellent choices. I've spent my entire life feeling like everyone else gets a handbook on how to live and I missed mine.

Try not to be too hard on yourself you are doing your best and that's enough. We are all a product of our genetics, environment and experience. Some people have it easier than others, some are born to succeed, some have phenomenal talent (I have none) , some of us have to work hard just to be an adult. And some have huge struggles and have a low quality of life.

The best thing you can do is work on loving/accepting yourself and being grateful for what you do have.

That’s great work experience with marketing and tableau and your age really shouldn’t be an issue (by law but also in practice) 29 isn’t old at all for a career pivot. Which part of the country do you live in? I often see roles in marketing and data come up - just wondering what your local job market looks like?

OP can't to what others have said but this might be of interest https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/what-we-do/employment it's technically for under 25 but it also I think shows autism aware employers which might be a good place to start. If you sign up there are job alerts too 😊

@ASDnocareer
on the face of it, considering your autism, you have done really well. You got a degree, are in steady work, manage to live in a flat share and have an active social life. Many autistic people have great difficulty in getting or keeping any kind of job, and I suspect many struggle with friendships.

So I can’t help feeling that yes, your parents have played a part in your feeling that you ar3 a ‘failure’. They sound completely lacking in understanding of any mental health condition or neurodiversity, and this has set you up for a mindset where your judgment of yourself is very harsh.

It sounds like you need to practise being kinder and more compassionate towards yourself and perhaps you could consider the idea that life is not a binary where:
tick all the boxes = success, can’t tick all the boxes = failure.

Rather, for many people - and sadly, for some more than others - it is a process of effort and struggle towards things that you want and need, and in some respects you reach them, and in some, you don’t.

I would look out for any help or therapy that might help you to practise self compassion, your GP might be a good place to ask. And it would be a good idea to get your hair loss checked out with the GP too.

Can you lean into your neuro diversity @ASDnocareer. DD has ADHD and some autistic traits. She is a Humanities graduate and 26. After her degree she had no idea what to do so got a job as a TA in a specialist ADHD/ASD School. She enjoyed it and was quickly promoted and found her people amongst her colleagues. They sponsored her to fully qualify via the apprenticeship route. I can see her going the speech therapy or OT route in due course.

She is quirky and very musical and returned to the church choir of her childhood as had a fellow former quirky chorister who has high functioning autism. His career path is niche, train tracky and accountancy related. They work well together.

When I look at our marketing department they are all young and extrovert and I winder if this is the right path for you. It may also be worth fostering some interests that might attract like minded folk: music, bee keeping, go and learn something like sign language, Bridge, etc.

I think you have done brilliantly without optimal support.

Go well and it will come well.

Thank you for your post. Having the husband and kids has always been everything to me. Amazing degree, husband also, even if we are differently wired here , I give monkeys and fuck honestly, how am I wired, what people think of me , my husband, who always has just a nice job without going into banking etc with his amazing degree, not degree only but the uni he went to.

I always had social facing jobs lol, not sure how I did it ( I have now a physical and lone working one which is so good to my soul!!!) but have done social roles in sales

I do not consider myself failed in life but totally happy and successful. In my moral code money is not everything, though needed to cover the basics

What I see the poster claims as facts are not facts but feelings. Life is not meant to put on a show to impress other humans but to fulfill God's purpose for the way He created us. He knows why He created some with different wiring

Sorry, I am not sure how differently me and my husband are wired but my daughter has had presentations of some different wiring - particularly around sensory processing issues and was selectively mute the first year in school. Anyway, I tested online for autism and came with 0 result but definitely am HSP - seems that is one third of the neurotypical population but we present with similar struggles ( fitting socially ) with the ND people

Just to make sure I am understood and not typing and putting myself in the shoes of someone with Autism, however I do and have had the feelings you poster shared, this is why I say they are feelings, not facts.

I left a career which lasted just few years in my country, came here with zero on my name, at the age of 30. Imagine what does it feel to babysit women with 3kids, your age, with a nice husband and a house and you literally are paid pocket money. I know the feelings, but they are just feelings. I married at the age of 35 and so on - please, be happy and stronger

Firstly, I get whet you mean about a "failed" life compared to the rest of the population but, you're not the rest of the population, so you're comparing apples with oranges. You have ASD and only a small percentage of those with diagnosed ASD are in work. Your job may be dead end, but you're maintaining it. Compared to all the others with diagnosed ASD, that means you're doing amazingly. You're also maintaining an independent life, in the flat share. Lots with ASD can't do that either, not without someone else running the show.

The way forward is to take some practical measures and MH measures.

The thing to give up on is the toxic family. They know you have ASD? If so, you might like to tell them what I posted above about how well you're actually doing. If they're still rude enough to comment negatively, or if they don't know about the ASD and you'd rather keep it that way, just tell them to mind their own damn business. You don't owe rude people politeness and rude they definitely are. Allow yourself to grieve that you didn't have a better family. See less of them. Make more of your friendship circle, invest in them instead of family.

Once you're away from that toxicity, work on your self esteem. They've dragged it down all your life. Basically it means doing things you're good at so you can get a boost from achieving something. It doesn't matter what it is. Also if you can, push yourself out of your comfort zone to achieve new things or at least try to, whether that's hobbies, meeting people, setting yourself a personal fitness goal or whatever. Set small manageable tasks, push yourself to achieve them and then, this is important, celebrate those achievements as they occur. Do this and you'll start to feel more positively about life and yourself.

Jobwise, I think it's time to accept what is and stop lining yourself up to be rejected on a regular basis, because that won't be doing your self-esteem any good either. Ok, so you have a dead end job, but can you build on that at all? Can you one day become the supervisor or manager? Can you apply for jobs within the same company, eg that would move you from the shop floor to the offices? If not within this current company, what about within new ones who do the same job as you do now?

Also look at the positives. Does this job suit you and your skills and personality? Are the bosses happy with you? Can you cope with the job without it keep making you ill? Do you like your colleagues? If so, there's a lot to be said for all that, when it comes to life and happiness. Appreciate what you have and focus less on what you don't have.

If there are huge negatives, like if you have a zero hour contract and feel job insecurity, get another job doing the same thing but in a company that will give you a permanent contract with guaranteed hours, small improvement to life in this way removes stresses and makes things better overall. It's an achievable goal that improves things, instead of trying to get a totally different job that just isn't happening and knocks you down.

Get yourself on the list for social housing right away. It may take decades for you to get a place, but one day your turn will come and you'll have a flat of your own that you can afford on a low wage and the chance to put down roots and turn it into a home. Remember to update your records if you ever get evicted.

Not everyone who wants a partner gets one and that's sad, all you can do is get on with your life, don't wallow in self pity (because that's not an attractive trait) and keep an open mind that you may meet someone one day who is the right person for you. The key is to be in situations where you meet people (unless you want to do online dating, but personally I think that sounds soul destroying and I think you first need robust self esteem to cope with it, although some do find success that way) because you're not going to meet anyone sat home alone. So you need sociable pastimes to keep the possibility of meeting someone alive.

Focus on you and making your life the best it can be so it's not as disappointing if it never happens. Nobody is going to "save" you and it often leads to an unhealthy relationship dynamic if they try to, we each have to "save" ourselves by creating our own best lives, where having a partner is the cherry on top of the cake, but the cake is still good by itself even without the cherry. That's how to be content in life and not get stuck in unhealthy relationships with people who are all wrong for you, out of fear of being alone.

You're obviously a proactive person and that's good. Your original plan wasn't a bad one, it just hasn't worked out. I just think you're focusing your energies in the wrong places at this time in your life and would benefit from a shift in focus.