Friends excluding me. Do I make a comment or not?

[SweetBonanza]

My two closest friends have been gradually excluding me more and more a few times, I've heard them making plans to get together that don't include me. I've also realised they don't use our group WhatsApp (for the 3 of us) as much, instead they message each other directly.

Tonight, we were sat at the same table, and they were making plans to go walking together tomorrow in front of me. We've always gone walking all together. So I said "Oh, you're planning on meeting up tomorrow? That's nice". They clammed up and said they didn't think I'd want to come.

Later on, one friend had left, so I said to the other "I'd like to come walking tomorrow, let me know when you're going". She said she would.

Now I'm thinking I don't actually want to go. I wasn't invited. They were deliberately excluding me.

So - do I just politely decline tomorrow. Or do I say "nah, I don't want to come when I wasn't invited".

How do I come out of this as the better person?

I think you need to have an honest conversation with them about why they are behaving like this, as they are meant to be your closest friends so what has changed?

Could your two friends be in a romantic relationship?

But would I sound pathetic if I said I felt like they were excluding me?

How do I come out of this as the better person?

Why do you think someone needs to look ‘better’ or worse?

Don’t go if you don’t want to. Ask them what’s going on if you want to know. Don’t be surprised if they don’t have a straight answer for you.

Have you other friends or hobbies that you could develop new friendships in?

Having been there. Let it go. They prefer each others company without you and that’s ok. T stings but move on and don’t been the requesty tag on person

I absolutely feel your pain.

But I think you need to name the elephant in the room

Buuuut be clear in your mind what your goals are. Are these relationships you want to fight for, or are aware to walk away from?
How you frame it can make all the difference

-hey, how come you guys didn't ask me? (Have I done something go upset you?

• you bitches are leaving me out!

World of difference

I wouldn't say anything but it is rude, meeting up without you is not but speaking in front you like that is

I would not want to stay in contact with people that do that

I think it would be a bit petty to decline the walk if she gets in touch seeing as you've now said you want to go. Have you always been a close trip or part of other groups etc? Sometimes these things just ebb and flow a bit

I think I want to do this. Let them know that they've hurt me.

We are extremely close, so I don't feel the need to fight for the relationship. The relationship will always be there. But they seem to think it's OK to be bitchy in front of me these days. It hurts

This can easily happen in friendships of 3, even as adults. Their friendship with each other has become closer than theirs with yours.

You can tell them you feel excluded, and one of three things are likely to happen.

1. they will grudgingly include you in the extra activities, but you'll feel like a third wheel.

2. they will continue to see you and hide their other get togethers,

3. they will get together with each other more and more as a group of 2, and less and less as a group of 3 and will gradually distance themselves from you.

What is NOT likely to happen is that they say "Oops, so sorry!" And start including you in everything and you'll all be happy as though nothing has happened. There is a reason they have started to like hanging out with each other more. As painful as it is, no one has an obligation to like you as much as you like them, be it friendships or romantic relationships.

@SweetBonanza
I think I want to do this. Let them know that they've hurt me.

Everybody is different, but some find it better not to let people know that they've hurt them. They just walk away. They feel more self-esteem that way. They set about finding better friends.

I understand that position: telling these people they've hurt you doesn't change what they did, and mostly, what people do once they will do again.

@SweetBonanza I said to the other "I'd like to come walking tomorrow, let me know when you're going". She said she would.
Now I'm thinking I don't actually want to go. I wasn't invited. They were deliberately excluding me.
So - do I just politely decline tomorrow. Or do I say "nah, I don't want to come when I wasn't invited."

If she does contact you, I think I would advise you to go because you made a point of it. BUT as I said upthread, I wouldn't say anything about their behaviour and I wouldn't make further plans with them.

I would go on the walk but I would say.

"I'm aware recently you guys have been not asking me to join for meets ups, have I done something to offend you?"

If they try to play it down/brush it off. I'd redirect it.

"I'm glad I haven't upset you, why do you think it's happening then?"

I'd want a clear answer but I'd also be prepared to accept in the reason.

If I was the friend who left first, I'd find it weird that you waited until I was gone to ask to join the walk (or, rather, to say you were joining the walk). Was there a reason for this?

Threes are VERY hard, @SweetBonanza .

They so rarely work out.

I too have felt like eat third wheel in a trio, so tend to avoid them like the plague.

That's really unpleasant of them.

That sounds like they are trying to squeeze you out.

For a them to be actively unkind to your face- I'd sack them off and have nothing more to do with them.

It's really unkind of them to do this. It's one thing to privately arrange to do things on their own but to do it in front of you is nasty.

I think it's really tricky.

Do you ever do anything with just one of them?

I have two pals and two of us sometimes leave out the third pal as she completely dominates every conversation. I really like her but she isn't great in a group. Is there anything you can think of that might make them want to leave you out?

Three is a bad number.

Its always asked on these threads, how often do you instigate/organise things?
Are you ever the mn 'flaky friend'?

If you challenge them they'll most likely gaslight you anyway.

Excellent post. Unfortunately ' clearing the air' in situations like this, rarely has the positive outcome that the third person wants.

The other two will feel criticised, and if anything the awkwardness of the conversation is likely to bring them closer together, and you further away. You need to be prepared for that.

Leave the group just exit it, there's no point being in it if they're chatting outside of it and meet without you. Rise above it find other friends. Iv realised life's too short for petty behaviour like that. Good luck

When they are bitchy in front of you what does that mean? Bitching about you or others or just not inviting you out?

Can you think of a reason why they are doing this?

You can't invite yourself and then decline soon after. It'll come across as petty and will only cause further separation, if the separation is indeed happening. You've made your point to one of the pair. She'll more than likely raise it with the other pair.

Go for the walk as three. If thereafter the problem is still there then yes there might be an issue to be concerned about. Sounds like a horrible situation you find yourself in when a social circle is perhaps closing but try not to be petty.