Friends excluding me. Do I make a comment or not?

[SweetBonanza]

My two closest friends have been gradually excluding me more and more a few times, I've heard them making plans to get together that don't include me. I've also realised they don't use our group WhatsApp (for the 3 of us) as much, instead they message each other directly.

Tonight, we were sat at the same table, and they were making plans to go walking together tomorrow in front of me. We've always gone walking all together. So I said "Oh, you're planning on meeting up tomorrow? That's nice". They clammed up and said they didn't think I'd want to come.

Later on, one friend had left, so I said to the other "I'd like to come walking tomorrow, let me know when you're going". She said she would.

Now I'm thinking I don't actually want to go. I wasn't invited. They were deliberately excluding me.

So - do I just politely decline tomorrow. Or do I say "nah, I don't want to come when I wasn't invited".

How do I come out of this as the better person?

Do what @Itonlytakesone says, spot on advice!

It could be that it’s only one of them pushing to meet up with the other and exclude you. If so though the other person is pathetic for lapping up the attention and making you feel like shit. They both deserve each other if this is the case.

I agree with this- well said.

They're clearly doing this deliberately so questioning them wont really achieve much because they'll lie and/or just hide when they next go out together next time.

I would go on the walk- if you refuse now it will make you seem petty. However, in future, I'd be relaxed and just let them make their own plans. But I would also be seeking out other friendships so you arent beholden to these two people for social activities. Of course you can ask them about it but I doubt you'll get the truth. The key here is to not take it personally (I know thats hard not to) but instead seek out others with similar interests to you and forge a wider circle of friends, that way it wont be such a big deal if they are doing stuff together because you'll have many other options.

I had two friends like this. The last straw was visiting a play centre and they walked off to talk leaving me on my own the whole time. I never contacted them again and they never contacted me. It stings yes but I look back and see that they were complete cows. I put up with so much bad behaviour from them over the years. Sounds like they are drifting and they don't look like good friend material either. Look after yourself.

They aren’t necessarily doing it deliberately or consciously- maybe they just like each better than you and have formed a closer bond. This is allowed, although painful for you. It’s rude to talk about meeting up with each other in front of you - but it’s probably better than keeping it secret (which to me would show more deliberation). Talking about arrangements in front of you is thoughtless. How did you all meet? Any conversation you raise is likely to make the two of them even closer because you’ll be creating even more of a bond between them and positioning yourself as the outsider. My advice is to invite them both to something a couple of times and see if you can meet them each individually too. If you like them that is!!

I mean making arrangements to meet up in front of me without including me.

Yes I think they will. Thinking about it, this has happened in the past. If I say I'm upset I wasn't invited, they'll say I was if I point out that I was only invited after I made a point of asking if I could come, they'll say I'm being silly

Why do women behave like this? It's vile. I'm honestly glad I'm autistic.

If it were me I would stop seeing them. They obviously prefer to meet when you are not there, they can get stuffed.

I am surprised they would be so open about it in front of you unless they genuinely had reason to think you wouldn't want to go or couldn't go ? Have you declined similar many times in the past or do you usually work in the mornings etc..

As someone said above if you have declined or pulled out of plans over and over maybe they see you as the flakey one?

OP - it is also possible that this really isn’t a big deal and you risk making it into one. Maybe they don’t consider it to be a ‘thing’ that it’s ‘all or none’ with meetups. I’ve got a friend group of three and it’s entirely normal for us to meet in pairs, we rarely all manage to get together these days! Would they mind you meeting up with just one of them? Maybe they couldn’t care less so wouldn’t think that you would (a sign of a grown-up secure friendship imo).

I would go on the walk, since you've already asked. I would also have a think whether there are practical reasons they see each other more often - this is the case for my friendships. I see one friend often for walks because we both don't work Friday, and enjoy long walks. We often go for a meal with other friends after a weekly activity of the kids. It isn't that I am closer to these friends, it is just a custom that builds up.

Also if you are a slow walker or on a strict diet or tend to get up and out late or to need to rush back to your husband (I have one friend who always arrives flustered and says she needs to be home by X slightly too early time) things like that can make it easier not to involve you.

Like others I understand that it stings but i also aren't sure they are doing much wrong.

Why can't any combination of 2from the 3 arrange to meet up whenever they want?
I'd hate it if someone tried to dictate or insist that i could only meet up in a certain formation. Them getting together isn't excluding you. Its just them getting together. If you love them both why wouldn't you want them to have fun together?

And i think to some extent they are dammed either way. If they hide it from you-sneaky. If they are upfront about it in front of you-bitchy.

I think if you challenge it, and come across insecure and wingy you will push them together even more. You will get a label of being hard work (perhaps unfairly) If you get the invite for the walk go and be breezy and have fun.

I think this is more about a personal insecurity you have that you need to examine. And perhaps widen your circle so you arent as focussed on them.

Similar happened to me. Wish I'd walked out at the time and not looked back.
It's not nice but you'll move on op. It's almost inevitable in a friendship of three.

Ask them for your own peace of mind. It's not ok to do this.

You're unlikely to get a true reason from them. I would imagine part of that reason is they are both get a little kick out of being in the inner circle of two and excluding someone (and making sure they know).

I would bow of of the friendship trio quietly. If you want further evidence that is time to bow out then go on this walk and be very observational. They way they are treating you, and where their character is at the moment, is below you.

How do I come out of this as the better person?

by not approaching this as though it’s a competition to be the better person. Go on the walk, as you asked to go, but don’t make an issue of this. If they have a friendship that excludes you, you’re not going to change that. Go with the flow, be sad and move on.

I have a situation like this with friends and from the other point of view we just don’t ask certain friends along anymore because they never attend, always have an excuse, never initiate plans or always cancel.

im not saying that’s what you’re doing but thought I’d offer my perspective from the other side.

I agree with this.

Why do you have to assign a meanness to these friends? I’ve had friendship groups of 3 and we all often met up as 2 - life with kids dictated who was free, we had different shared interests (music taste/ hiking) and we were open about meeting up as 2 - sometimes me with 1 or other: sometimes them without me.

Please look into your reaction before you raise it.
If my scenario is totally wrong, you need to decide if the friendship is worth it, and if it is, just let this go. Causing a scene will create further chasms between you.

I don’t think that’s remotely ’bitchy’. The three of you are friends. You say it’s a close set of friendships, and you think it will always be there. The other two people sometimes make plans to see one another without you, in this case to do something they didn’t think you were interested in. The fact that they do it when you’re present suggests there’s no ill intention, and that you’re at liberty to join in, if, as on this occasion, if it turns out the activity does interest you. Are you actually interested in this walk, or were you only making a huffy point?

Walking, especially if it’s a substantial hike, is just not doable with some people, not matter how fond of them you are. They walk too fast, too slow, they think ten miles is far too much, or too little etc etc. There are very few friends I will walk with!

I think these friends are damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they mention meeting up in front of you you think it's bitchy, I expect if you found out they were meeting up but keeping it secret you'd be annoyed at that as well.

I think your annoyance is that they're meeting up without you, not that they're talking about it, in which case you have to understand people from stronger bonds with certain friends. What starts as a group doesn't have to be a group outing every single time.

If you think about what do you actually want the outcome to be? If you tell them you're hurt do you want them to meet up and not mention it to you, or do you want to be invited every time? Because it's unreasonable to expect them not to have a separate friendship too.

They are not handling it very well. I'd want to know for my own sake what the issue is, inviting yourself along doesn't resolve it.

I'm friends in a 3. One of them wants to see me separately, because the third person is incredibly picky about what we do and always wants to control it. Everything feels like catering to her and giving in. It's just too much hard work.

I'm not seeing her separately as I know how hurt the 3rd one would be. At the same time her control issues are not something I really want to address with the third person, as it is really ingrained into who she is and she would take it really hard. So we are all just ending up not meeting up very often, which isn't ideal either.

We used to go walking together every week. They've suddenly started excluding me. I go on my own.

I feel like there may be a specific Walking Issue going on here. Do you set a cracking pace? Or walk very slowly? Want to cover more ground? Or want to stop for coffee after five minutes? Cancel when it rains? Not want to cancel when it rains?

They are still keen to see you and hang out with you, but it seems you might not be a good fit walking. I have people I will not walk with because I won't get any exercise (they are lightweights) and people who will not walk with me because I can't pee without a toilet (I am a lightweight) so all walks must be within the endurance of my bladder. No offence meant or taken in either case.

I wouldn’t say that’s bitchy. I think if it bothers you (which I can see how it would if you’re being left out) just ask them if there’s a reason you’re not being invited out

Just let them.

You don’t want to be there under their sufferance. You’ll never know why, so just let it go.

Move on.