Friends excluding me. Do I make a comment or not?

[SweetBonanza]

My two closest friends have been gradually excluding me more and more a few times, I've heard them making plans to get together that don't include me. I've also realised they don't use our group WhatsApp (for the 3 of us) as much, instead they message each other directly.

Tonight, we were sat at the same table, and they were making plans to go walking together tomorrow in front of me. We've always gone walking all together. So I said "Oh, you're planning on meeting up tomorrow? That's nice". They clammed up and said they didn't think I'd want to come.

Later on, one friend had left, so I said to the other "I'd like to come walking tomorrow, let me know when you're going". She said she would.

Now I'm thinking I don't actually want to go. I wasn't invited. They were deliberately excluding me.

So - do I just politely decline tomorrow. Or do I say "nah, I don't want to come when I wasn't invited".

How do I come out of this as the better person?

@SweetBonanza “hey A & B, how do you think I feel when you discuss plans for the TWO of you but don’t actually invite me? What’s changed?”

This happened to a friend of mine and it did in fact turn out that one of them had recently opened herself up to new things sexually and they were in fact secretly dating.
So this is possible

Yes, exactly. I have dear, dear friends I just can’t walk with because our ideas of a good walk, pace, distance etc simply don’t match.

A pair of good friends of mine, both close longterm friends of one another, decided to go for a walk together, drove out of the city and parked. One friend sat down to change her shoes, the other strolled toward a nearby gateway down a lane to look at the view. When she came back to the car, she said ‘That was a lovely walk!’ only to see the other friend zipping up her waterproof trousers and checking her OS map. They’ve never tried it again — very different ideas of what constitutes ‘a walk’!

It’s certainly possible, but it’s considerably less likely than the OP, for reasons of pace or fitness, not being a good match as a walking companion to the other two…?

I think they are being unkind discussing it in front of you without offering an explanation why the invite doesn’t extend to you.
Its fine that they want to do things just the 2 of them, but discussing it in front of you is rubbing it in to make you feel left out.
Friendships of 3 can be tricky to navigate.
If you are as close as you think you are I think you should just ask them outright why they keep leaving you out, just prepare yourself that you might not like the answer.

I was in a similar friendship group and the same thing happened to me, but it was the precursor to them dropping me. I think they wanted me to walk away before they went for full exclusion.

Speaking from experience, it can be quite awkward to find a non-hurtful way of saying to someone you’re fond of ‘Look, you walk far too slowly, and going for a walk with you is excruciating’, or similar.

@SweetBonanza it sounds like they are excluding you. What sort of friends make plans infront of another friend and don’t include them, that’s just mean.

In your shoes I would just ask them outright, if they turn bitchy then you really don’t need people like that in your life xx

When they speak about meeting in front of you reply. Lovely what time shall we meet?

Involve yourself

I am so sorry op. They are not friends. That’s mean to talk about meeting up with each other in front of you. 💐💐💐

I've always tried to avoid groups of 3 friends although sometimes it's just inevitable. It's rare to have 3 people all evenly matched in terms of humour, ideas, stamina or whatever and splits naturally occur sometimes for no bad reasons. I've been in a trio of friends since the start of secondary school and for years I felt a little excluded when I had dh and dc as neither of the others did and weren't very accommodating or interested in being flexible around me any more. So fair enough, I saw little of them but we kept in touch. Now things have changed dramatically because one of our 3 has been seriously ill and I've been helping her, visiting hospital, supporting her emotionally etc. The third of our trio hasn't even phoned for 5 months, just cut contact. So things change, is what I'm saying and to me a friend is a friend if you care about them. Leave the door open but accept it might be time to look elsewhere for a while and depending how close you've been and how much you care for these two, it might change if you take the long view.

Agree with this

If they used to include you but now don’t then there probably is a reason.

If you can face it, you could pick the one you feel closer to, and ask her what has changed. Be prepared to hear something a bit hurtful though, or to just get flannel

If you don’t feel up to that, then I think you have to accept that you are number 3 in this group, and look for more friends elsewhere.

Not a nice situation at all; being excluded by any person or group is an awful feeling.

When confronted, one friend said they didn't think you'd like to go.
Was that to cover their tracks after you expressed the wish to join them, or have you refused or not wanted to go at times so they just aren't asking anymore?

I would definitely mention to them that you've felt not as close to them lately because of being excluded from group chat, excluded from plans between the two of them, sitting at the table while the pair of them discuss meeting up together.

If they continue on like this, or let you come and the atmosphere isn't right, I'd say 3s a crowd and they enjoy each other's company enough not to include you.

I'm sure you've done some soul-searching and thinking back about what might have 'gone wrong' from your end.
I hope it's just a misunderstanding amongst friends.

@SweetBonanza
Something has changed. If I were you I'd ask and then decide whether you want to be a part of this friend circle

I think it's best to use the "I" word and say how you feel rather than accusatory I.e." I felt a bit upset when I wasn't included in your plans" That way tends to be better received and prevents them from being defensive.

This happened to me. We were a three too.
I distanced myself , left the group on WhatsApp .

I was so upset I left my job because of it.
I then got my qualifications and found new people and a new job

I heard that a month later they had also both resigned.

I would either go on the walk and ask them exactly why or completely blank them both if they cannot explain etc etc.

Are they in a relationship together do you think ?

Are they much fitter than you? Do they want to do a challenging walk?

I found that when I was injured, people I thought would support me just left me out of their plans, rather than adjust their walks to accommodate my lowered level of fitness.

It stung because I’d never do that.

Are you very slow? Do you only like short walks? Maybe your friends are planning a walk that's out of your comfort zone?

It sounds like they were thoughtless at best and rude at worst to be discussing it in front of you, though - I'd be upset too.

Hi op,

of course it will.

If your goal is to make them understand they hurted you while not looking pathetic then. Don’t say anything. Don’t answer their invitation anymore. There, they might come and ask and then you can say your hurt full but I wouldn’t advise that.
it is hurtful to be left behind. You don’t have to react in a way that you won’t like.

if your goal is to pin them down…well. Don’t do it, honestly, you won’t get what you want from it and you give them a perfectly good reason to not want to be around you then.

Good luck 🌺

So because 2 friends have agreed to meet up, they're obviously in a secret relationship?....

so many people get away with being so horrible in friendships, calling out their behaviour to them would make you feel much better , as you already know there's a problem. BUT this could ultimately end the friendship, you have to be prepared for that., They deserve to feel uncomfortable that you have approached them.

Don’t go on the walk if invited - you weren’t wanted. Maintain your self-respect above all else, hurtful as it is to be excluded.

Asking for reasons why people don’t want to spend time with you is never going to end well.

Bow out.

Those who are calling the friends horrible, do you honestly believe that friendships should be all or nothing? That if one member of a group can't do something no one should? That noone can do anything without including everyone?

There’s a reason why they didn’t include you in the walk and you probably know the reason. Do you walk too slowly, dominate the conversation, complain about everything, arrive late, what is the issue? Sometimes friends grow apart and sadly you have to move on.

Dump them both.
They're not your friends.
Utter bitches.