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Original poster

Friends excluding me. Do I make a comment or not?

100 replies

SweetBonanza · 28/09/2024 01:17

My two closest friends have been gradually excluding me more and more a few times, I've heard them making plans to get together that don't include me. I've also realised they don't use our group WhatsApp (for the 3 of us) as much, instead they message each other directly.

Tonight, we were sat at the same table, and they were making plans to go walking together tomorrow in front of me. We've always gone walking all together. So I said "Oh, you're planning on meeting up tomorrow? That's nice". They clammed up and said they didn't think I'd want to come.

Later on, one friend had left, so I said to the other "I'd like to come walking tomorrow, let me know when you're going". She said she would.

Now I'm thinking I don't actually want to go. I wasn't invited. They were deliberately excluding me.

So - do I just politely decline tomorrow. Or do I say "nah, I don't want to come when I wasn't invited".

How do I come out of this as the better person?

OP posts:
Newoxonbird · 29/09/2024 18:55

Dump them both.
They're not your friends.
What a pair of bitches.

IntheVicinity · 29/09/2024 18:57

DoreenonTill8 · 29/09/2024 18:50

Those who are calling the friends horrible, do you honestly believe that friendships should be all or nothing? That if one member of a group can't do something no one should? That noone can do anything without including everyone?

Oh, I wouldn’t ask on Mn about friendships. So many posters struggle with making, keeping, or communication with friends, it often makes the responses terribly skewed, and hyper-alert to ‘cliques’ and ‘exclusions’. The fact that these friends are making plans in your presence suggests no malice is intended, OP, and that, for whatever reason, they genuinely think you no longer want to go walking with them. Do you actually want to go walking with them?

Lovelylilylane · 29/09/2024 19:00

Time to start making new friends. Pull away before being pushed but leave a door slightly ajar in case one of them wishes to rekindle the friendship later on (if you’re willing of course). Never run for the bus that doesn’t stop for you as another will soon be coming along.

Whatatodo79 · 29/09/2024 19:02

It hurts doesn't it OP. Also feels confusing. Take this opportunity to join a bigger official walking group, there are bound to be some nearby and you'll get meet new, kinder people

MSLRT · 29/09/2024 19:27

So awful that you get to be an adult and women are still acting like mean girls. Hard as it is I would let these friends go. Stops messaging or seeing them. Let them wonder why.

smalltoe · 29/09/2024 19:30

I'd have to ask. 'Look guys, we used to do things as a three , like walking. Now I find more and more you two are organising these things on your own without me. What's going on? Is there something I'm unaware of? Something has obviously changed'.

smalltoe · 29/09/2024 19:31

pineapplesundae · 29/09/2024 18:53

There’s a reason why they didn’t include you in the walk and you probably know the reason. Do you walk too slowly, dominate the conversation, complain about everything, arrive late, what is the issue? Sometimes friends grow apart and sadly you have to move on.

She clearly doesn't know the reason so stop telling her she does. That's really unfair and mean

smalltoe · 29/09/2024 19:32

DoreenonTill8 · 29/09/2024 18:50

Those who are calling the friends horrible, do you honestly believe that friendships should be all or nothing? That if one member of a group can't do something no one should? That noone can do anything without including everyone?

No, friends can see each other alone but it's quite different when they used to do things as a three, like a weekly walk, and now they have stopped arranging it with the OP. That's an active form of excluding, not just organising other stuff alone.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 29/09/2024 19:34

I am one of a group of three. I am well aware that the others meet without me and sometimes I communicate with one and not the other, just depends upon the situation. I don’t understand why everyone always needs to be included in everything in these situations TBH… Just accept what you aren’t included.

TBH in our group sometimes one will rub another the wrong way, I think that’s kinda normal sometimes as you won’t see eye to eye with each other all the time either, so we just get on with it at any given time and always come back together in the end 🤷🏻‍♀️, but that’s only really possible because we don’t backstab each other or make drama.

I suggest just backing away a bit for a while. I did recently as I was getting a bit frustrated with a few bits that were happening then came back to the situation with more of an open mind later. Sometimes you just need a bit of a break from each other without making it into a big deal. But that’s just my experience, if there are other things going on you might feel a bit differently. I figure that people either want you or don’t and no amount for forcing things will change anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

kiwiandcherries · 29/09/2024 19:35

Did you go walking with them? How did it go?

mumtotwo11 · 29/09/2024 19:35

SweetBonanza · 28/09/2024 01:17

My two closest friends have been gradually excluding me more and more a few times, I've heard them making plans to get together that don't include me. I've also realised they don't use our group WhatsApp (for the 3 of us) as much, instead they message each other directly.

Tonight, we were sat at the same table, and they were making plans to go walking together tomorrow in front of me. We've always gone walking all together. So I said "Oh, you're planning on meeting up tomorrow? That's nice". They clammed up and said they didn't think I'd want to come.

Later on, one friend had left, so I said to the other "I'd like to come walking tomorrow, let me know when you're going". She said she would.

Now I'm thinking I don't actually want to go. I wasn't invited. They were deliberately excluding me.

So - do I just politely decline tomorrow. Or do I say "nah, I don't want to come when I wasn't invited".

How do I come out of this as the better person?

Did you go on the walk?

Bernardo1 · 29/09/2024 19:42

Just tell them you won't be seeing anymore.

Olderbutt · 29/09/2024 20:16

SweetBonanza · 28/09/2024 01:24

But would I sound pathetic if I said I felt like they were excluding me?

I would take the line of "Have I done something to upset you two" and let them take the lead. It's a horrid thing to happen to you though. Big hugs

FlappingMadly · 29/09/2024 20:46

Well, they are quite odd ‘bitches’ to be discussing plans so openly all the time. I feel op, that you know why this is happening. So ask yourself if you want to call them out on it , when there might genuinely from their point of view no problem.

Branleuse · 29/09/2024 20:49

If that was me, id be glad i said something, but would leave the ball in their court to fix it with me. I wouldn't contact them first

sunshineandshowers40 · 29/09/2024 21:03

Is it just walks they are excluding you from? Do you walk at a completely different pace to them? Bring your dog and they hate dogs? Any other reason?

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 29/09/2024 21:13

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/09/2024 01:44

This can easily happen in friendships of 3, even as adults. Their friendship with each other has become closer than theirs with yours.

You can tell them you feel excluded, and one of three things are likely to happen.

  1. they will grudgingly include you in the extra activities, but you'll feel like a third wheel.

  2. they will continue to see you and hide their other get togethers,

  3. they will get together with each other more and more as a group of 2, and less and less as a group of 3 and will gradually distance themselves from you.

What is NOT likely to happen is that they say "Oops, so sorry!" And start including you in everything and you'll all be happy as though nothing has happened. There is a reason they have started to like hanging out with each other more. As painful as it is, no one has an obligation to like you as much as you like them, be it friendships or romantic relationships.

I agree with this, friend groups of 3 are tricky. Two will always be closer.

I have a trio friendship group, I know the other two are closer than I am with either of them and see each other at other times. That's fine. I enjoy their company so will go out when we do something as a trio. We go back 25+ years but I also have other friends who I see and do stuff with so I'm not actually sat around getting upset about it.

Jack80 · 30/09/2024 07:43

I would have an honest conversation as they don't sound like good friends if they don't invite you at least to decline.

Ukrainebaby23 · 30/09/2024 09:11

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/09/2024 01:44

This can easily happen in friendships of 3, even as adults. Their friendship with each other has become closer than theirs with yours.

You can tell them you feel excluded, and one of three things are likely to happen.

  1. they will grudgingly include you in the extra activities, but you'll feel like a third wheel.

  2. they will continue to see you and hide their other get togethers,

  3. they will get together with each other more and more as a group of 2, and less and less as a group of 3 and will gradually distance themselves from you.

What is NOT likely to happen is that they say "Oops, so sorry!" And start including you in everything and you'll all be happy as though nothing has happened. There is a reason they have started to like hanging out with each other more. As painful as it is, no one has an obligation to like you as much as you like them, be it friendships or romantic relationships.

This.
I would say if they are excluding you and making non inclusive arrangements in front of you, and not inviting you, they are not such close friends as you think. Find others.

MellersSmellers · 30/09/2024 09:15

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/09/2024 01:44

This can easily happen in friendships of 3, even as adults. Their friendship with each other has become closer than theirs with yours.

You can tell them you feel excluded, and one of three things are likely to happen.

  1. they will grudgingly include you in the extra activities, but you'll feel like a third wheel.

  2. they will continue to see you and hide their other get togethers,

  3. they will get together with each other more and more as a group of 2, and less and less as a group of 3 and will gradually distance themselves from you.

What is NOT likely to happen is that they say "Oops, so sorry!" And start including you in everything and you'll all be happy as though nothing has happened. There is a reason they have started to like hanging out with each other more. As painful as it is, no one has an obligation to like you as much as you like them, be it friendships or romantic relationships.

Absolutely.
As others say, often happens in a group of 3 IME

user1471538283 · 30/09/2024 09:26

Knock it on the head and do not waste your time.

I know it's hard and hurtful but they know what they are doing.

Diddlyumptious · 30/09/2024 09:48

Sadly it happens. Currently going through this. My 2 friends are slightly older and retired, I still work. I've stopped messaging and left it to them. If I mean anything I'll no doubt hear from one or both if not, then it's their loss (though I have she'd tears at the loss already)

Fiftyfiveandcounting · 30/09/2024 09:55

@SweetBonanza This generally happens in friendships of 3 I think, it’s probably nothing you’ve done but you’re not as important to them as they are to you sadly. It’s a good time to think about widening your group of friends and finding others to hang out with. Some people manage friendships that last forever others have friends that are close for a period and then it just falls away for no particular reason at all.

IntheVicinity · 30/09/2024 09:59

And the majority of replies on this thread (dump them! walk away now! They know what they’re doing! They’re manipulative bitches! Etc etc) demonstrate, along with the ‘school mums’ threads, exactly why so many Mners struggle with friendships.

Madamum18 · 30/09/2024 19:22

" We used to go walking all together every week. Recently you two are going walking without me. Why?"

......

"Why have you decided I dont want to come? Is there a reason why you dont seem to want me to come?"

....

" I'm not beiing silly/imagining things/ being difficult so I dont know why you are saying that. I am asking why we used to go walking all together every week but now you two are going on your own without me. Please can you just be honest about the reasons for that!"

Repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not get drawn into gaslighting etc. Do not justify yourself. Just keep making the above statements and expect an answer

If they will not be honest then ....

..."Well I have given you a chance to be honest. I give up now. Enjoy your walks!" and leave. Step back from the friendship too! 💐

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