Have I messed up🤔😭

[Ribbeddress]

Long story short - I basically accused my DH (twice in very short space of time) of cheating when he was actually totally innocent. It’s the first time that something like this has happened so I’m definitely not those insecure/jealous type of women and I normally have 150% trust in him/our marriage. Not gonna go into the details of why I accused him but it ended up being a whole misunderstanding and now I feel really bad 🥲 he told some of his family members (my in-laws) and that really broke my heart because we usually keep matters to ourselves and resolve it as a couple but now I feel like it’s gonna become something for them to gossip about and as they didn’t hear my side, it’ll definitely paint me out to be some paranoid jealous insecure wife (which I am certainly not). Anyway, he’s mainly upset that I didn’t trust him (which I completely understand) but I feel like I’ve really messed up 😭 what should I do?

I assume you have apologized, so what more is there to do? Bringing it up again with his relatives will just give it more life. Let it die.
However, you should secure an agreement from him to keep your arguments just between the two of you and not go running to relatives with tales of woe.

What did he do so that you accused him?

He shouldn't be telling people about your personal business.

Yeah I apologised…but he had brought it up with his relatives before my apology, if that makes sense. So I think he must have been quite hurt and confused at the time. He knows that I was totally not on board with him broadcasting our private issues with his relatives and hopefully it won’t happen again

Well, it doesn’t really matter now but I was definitely within my right to react the way I did - but I guess I feel bad because I should have trusted that he’s not capable of that type of thing. Yes, he definitely shouldn’t have shared our business because his family (I presume) will be biased because he’s their brother etc.

Broadcasting?

Or speaking to relatives for support because you'd upset him so much?

He is allowed to talk to other people about issues that he’s facing. In this case, it was your false accusations. You can’t blame him for getting the support he needed at the time.

well, I used the term “broadcasting” because that’s how it felt to me…we’re quite a private couple and like to maintain respect in our relationship so it was a bit new to me

Exactly this.

Yes you’re right, fair enough

Exactly

OP, you're coming across as quite controlling about that particular issue.

I never 'broadcast' mine and my DH's personal issues, but if he truly upset me (and twice!) I'm entitled to seek support from loved ones.

Okay clearly the term “broadcast” has been misinterpreted…

So in terms of what you can do to fix things, you can stop making him seeking family support a problem and respect that he needed someone to talk to.

It's not so much that I'm misinterpreting it, it's more that you're using it to minimise how upset he was, and how he needed to offload it to someone.

Basically you've got egg on your face where your inlaws are concerned and instead of being annoyed at yourself, you're annoyed at the person you accused wrongly of cheating, twice.

I don’t have any particular issue with him speaking to his relatives, it’s just that he’s often quite adamant that we keep our private lives between us so I was a bit shocked that he went against that, that’s all.

You’re the one using the word broadcast. You’re the one who sees him seeking support as someone telling the whole world about your marital problems.

You’re embarrassed of your own behaviour, don’t turn it round on to him.

No doubt he was a bit shocked that you wrongly accused him of cheating twice, when you've always trusted him '150%'.

You moved the goalposts, not him.

Well that’s me told.

Yes, I understand this. I guess I didn’t truly realise how serious of an accusation infidelity really is.

It does sound like I'm 'telling' you doesn't it? 😂

Sorry if it comes across that way, but deep down I think you're annoyed at yourself and you're taking it out on him, because he needed to talk about it.

Hmmm, I am annoyed at myself because I guess I just let my mind wander far too much in this case but him speaking to relatives was just a bit unfair because I didn’t even get to defend myself 😭 I was fully right to react the way I did but I guess the story won’t make much sense due to me omitting why I accused him.

Of course it’s a serious accusation. It’s marriage destroying soul breaking stuff. And whilst you claim you trust him, by accusing him not once but twice, you showed him that you think he is capable of such behaviour and that you don’t actually trust him. Of course that’s going to hurt.

What made you think he cheated?

Again, you’re focussing on his behaviour when he’s done nothing wrong. It wasn’t unfair that he spoke to someone else for support.

I’m still quite young and still very much learning what marriage is all about…there are some things that I’m only just discovering so I’m putting it all down to perhaps immaturity and impulsiveness. I’m not gonna beat myself up about it because I’ve apologised .

Yes, perhaps this is true.

That’s completely fine, but don’t beat him up about speaking to someone else about the issue.

Do you want to share what happened? It must have been quite serious for you to accuse him twice.