Have I messed up🤔😭

[Ribbeddress]

Long story short - I basically accused my DH (twice in very short space of time) of cheating when he was actually totally innocent. It’s the first time that something like this has happened so I’m definitely not those insecure/jealous type of women and I normally have 150% trust in him/our marriage. Not gonna go into the details of why I accused him but it ended up being a whole misunderstanding and now I feel really bad 🥲 he told some of his family members (my in-laws) and that really broke my heart because we usually keep matters to ourselves and resolve it as a couple but now I feel like it’s gonna become something for them to gossip about and as they didn’t hear my side, it’ll definitely paint me out to be some paranoid jealous insecure wife (which I am certainly not). Anyway, he’s mainly upset that I didn’t trust him (which I completely understand) but I feel like I’ve really messed up 😭 what should I do?

Live and learn! There are some things so serious you do need to speak to someone you love and trust. Finding out someone has been unfaithful, or being falsely accused of the same are that serious.

I saw some messages that were certainly not “innocent” looking.

Urgh I really don’t want to make the situation worse, but what was his defence to those messages?

Well, I basically shouldn’t have seen it and should trust him. So, that’s why I started the accusations.

But who were the messages to? What did they say?

When you say you shouldn’t have seen it, do you mean you snooped or he complained about you snooping? How did he explain the messages?

How long have you been together and how long married?

If you're sure it was all innocent, you would benefit from getting therapy to help you deal with insecurities and jealousy. Going nuclear and accusing someone (incorrectly) of cheating repeatedly is not healthy.

He obviously needed some support, but now's the time to repeat your apology and sit down to agree what you're going to do to work on your own issues, and how you'll handle conflict together moving forward (i.e. is sharing with relatives ok or not).

Well, I only became sure that it was innocent because he convinced me that it was and I trusted him. I didn’t “repeatedly” accuse, we’ve been together a long time and this is the first time something like this has happened - it might not necessarily make a difference whether I accused one time or 1000 times but I definitely had a reason to respond the way I did. And about him sharing it with family, I’ve accepted it and understand why he did it. In relation to the suggestion of therapy, as I mentioned I’m not at all insecure and prior to this incident never had a reason to doubt in any way…if you were to see someone with their hand in your bag, would you assume they’re taking money/something out? They’ve got to explain why their hands were in there in the first place right? I used this analogy to explain why I reacted the way I did.

Wait a second. So are you saying the only reason you believe him is that he manipulated you into it? I thought you had some objective reason to think you were wrong. So maybe you weren't wrong?
I'm confused. If you had good reason to suspect it he has no call to claim not trusting him was such a terrible crime.
It's starting to look like you are possibly being gaslit by him.
You are under no obligation to trust any partner 100%. That is highly unrealistic. If you see something that looks suspicious, you have a right to be suspicious. It's only human.

Probably not as shocked as he was to be falsely accused of cheating - twice

He had every right to discuss it with his family under the circumstances.

Nope, that's his voice talking, telling you to blindly trust him.
By the sound of it maybe you actually didn't do him wrong.
What was the nature of the messages? Some messages cannot be explained any other way.

Well, I don’t really see it as manipulating per se. I think I just came to the wrong conclusion and that it wasn’t necessarily what I thought it was. In terms of being gaslit, I think that word gets thrown around a lot these days.

Reading your latest updates I'm not convinced you did anything wrong OP. Some messages just can't be explained away. Difficult to ascertain without understanding the details.

Did he convince you, by showing you all the messages and explaining their context that he wasn’t cheating?

No, he basically said I should trust him and that the messages don’t mean anything.

Okay, it does sound like The Script. Classic cheaterspeak.
So you have done nothing wrong other than to believe his bullshit.

What exactly were the messages? And who were they sent to?

You're really saying this? You didn't realise that accusing your spouse of infidelity was so serious?

Common.

If it wasn't so serious, you wouldn't be bothered that he told his family.

I personally don’t feel that I really did anything that wrong but I still feel apologetic

I agree with you about the use of the word gaslighting.

It's thrown around like confetti these days.

Cheaterspeak?

Yes, people also love the word “narcissist”. Like, do you really know the meaning behind this?

I genuinely didn’t understand until I reflected on what had happened.

Well, I’m not going to repeat it word for word but it caused a bit of doubt - and it was sent to a woman

I am sorry to say your instincts might well be correct and “trust me” when you see a dodgy message is not good enough. If my DP saw a message they didn’t like the look of, I’d just hand over my phone.

OP, we really need some more detail from you. No offence but it’s like drawing blood from a stone.

You found these messages. Ok:

1. where were the messages?
2. do you know who they were to?
3. what did the messages say? What were the responses?
4. how did he explain the messages? Him saying you should trust me isn’t him explaining the messages.

Because based on what you’ve said so far, it sounds like not only were you right to accuse, you might not actually have been wrong in the first place.