Have I messed up🤔😭

[Ribbeddress]

Long story short - I basically accused my DH (twice in very short space of time) of cheating when he was actually totally innocent. It’s the first time that something like this has happened so I’m definitely not those insecure/jealous type of women and I normally have 150% trust in him/our marriage. Not gonna go into the details of why I accused him but it ended up being a whole misunderstanding and now I feel really bad 🥲 he told some of his family members (my in-laws) and that really broke my heart because we usually keep matters to ourselves and resolve it as a couple but now I feel like it’s gonna become something for them to gossip about and as they didn’t hear my side, it’ll definitely paint me out to be some paranoid jealous insecure wife (which I am certainly not). Anyway, he’s mainly upset that I didn’t trust him (which I completely understand) but I feel like I’ve really messed up 😭 what should I do?

It sounds like your partner was dodgy and then, when he got caught, blamed you instead of admitting he was in the wrong.

It’s probably be best to catch up on where the thread moved to overnight.

A lot of us think that he is likely guilty of something, and he's manipulating her into feeling that she wrongly accused him. No one should blindly trust that it "didn't mean anything." WHAT is he saying that about? WHAT didn't mean anything? Why were there messages to begin with?

I don't think she should be so hard on herself, and I don't think he's explained anything at all. I hope @Ribbeddress will think about all of this again.

She’s being way too vague about it all - you don’t know if she’s telling the 100% truth and you don’t know the OP. Let’s not just blindly trust people on the internet, especially those who couldn’t handle the heat or admit wrongdoing at the start of the thread. As with anything, there’s 3 sides so any story so I do take what she’s saying with a pinch of salt. Even if he was texting a woman - we don’t know what he said or who it was?

And let’s be honest - a man could sneeze funny and half of MN would jump straight to he’s cheating and LTB so “a lot of us think” means nothing. There was a thread not long ago where everyone had the OP all riled up that her DH had cheated and in the end… he hadn’t and MN had made the situation 100x worse.

OP, you’re getting some really good advice now that you’ve given more context. I really hope you will trust your gut.

There’s a reason why your normally oh-so-private DH talked to his family so quickly, and why he’s not sought to genuinely reassure you by being open and transparent, but rather insisted that you must trust him and how dare you not.

He’s shifted the ground under your feet, and made you worry about what your in-laws think, so that you’ll take your eye off what he was up to. You may not like the term gaslighting, but something’s up. Don’t give him all the power in your marriage.

But if he’s manipulating her and making her think she’s unreasonable and paranoid for valid concerns, then that’s what he’s doing.

OP, I don’t think it was innocent. You’re not stupid. These messages have set your alarm bells off for a reason. He’s behaving very tellingly by telling his parents about it and making it into a bigger thing than it needs to be, and making you feel bad for not just blindly trusting him.

You falsely accused him.
He told his (parents?) family.
You apologized.
You shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.
He shouldn’t have gone to his family with your private business.

Why don’t you open a bottle of wine or make a blender full of margaritas (my preference) and have a chat and both lay down where you feel you could do better from now on?
You’re a team after all.

Edited for clarity.

Would you really say a woman shouldn’t go to her parents if her husband had accused her of cheating twice?

if you were to see someone with their hand in your bag, would you assume they’re taking money/something out? They’ve got to explain why their hands were in there in the first place right? I used this analogy to explain why I reacted the way I did

I would assume that they were up to no good, as in looking to take money out, or nosing into my privacy.

If they then went round telling people I’d accused them of something dodgy and making ME look bad and making me feel like I’d jumped the gun, that I had gone nuclear over nothing, then this would be serious gaslighting and manipulation.

So he had dodgy messages, got caught, and now you are the bad guy and his family all know.

Honestly, I think you have much bigger problems with him.

Obviously we don’t all know the full story as to why you thought he cheated on you and yes you may have had an agreement before to have kept your relationship private but as he’s been accused not once but twice falsely of cheating it’s natural he wanted to to confide in people about how he was feeling. Maybe going forward you guys need to have a chat about your relationship to have a look at both your actions and understandings. You need to have a think about why you worry he cheats on you and have thought that twice and he needs to have a think and understand why his actions make you think he has had an affair twice. Honest communication between you both is probably the key here

OP you haven’t been upset with him for no good reason.
You didn’t just wake up one morning and accuse him of cheating.
You found messages you are uncomfortable with and he’s trying to convince you they are innocent.
I would still listen to your gut instincts.
He has gone off to talk to his family because he’s upset? I would see it as circling support, and painting you as suspicious while he’s entirely innocent.
I would be very wary. You have found messages that have disturbed you, and now you are the one tearing yourself to bits and wondering how you can apologise.
I am sorry but I think your DH is gaslighting you and is on line 1 of the ‘script’ - stick to your guns.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, OP. You’ve been manipulated by an unfaithful husband.

If you've accused him twice without basis he 100% has the right to talk to his parents. That's a stressful allegation.

If he's done something wrong and is hiding it, don't let it drop as you'll be wasting your life with him. Tbh you sound very young and perhaps he thinks he can manipulate you.

Either way we have no way of giving any decent advice without knowing what was in the messages as we have no context.

The reason people are asking for more info about the messages is because we are concerned that there could be more to this. It is up to you what you want to reveal on here, but maybe you were right to have your doubts, and need some support to navigate that. It does raise alarm bells with me when you hear "you are supposed to trust me" in response to being questioned about something that potentially seems dodgy. It is a very effective way of deflecting things back onto you, and shutting down the conversation. In any relationship there might be times where something doesn't add up, and needs further discussion to prevent any misunderstanding. When that happens surely it is easy enough to reassure your partner by being open and willing to talk about it? As someone said above, no-one is entitled to 100% trust. Trust is based on consistency in how someone behaves towards you, and when something happens that seems out of character, and inconsistent with who you believe someone to be, you are entitled to question that and to expect a proper adult conversation as a result. For someone to immediately play the "trust" card is a bit of a red flag for me.

My husband did cheat. For years. I told my parents and the rest of my family when I filed for divorce.
Because I didn’t want to drag them into my drama.

It sounds like you are being cheated on and are believing him when he says he is doing nothing wrong.

I think believing him is the mistake here OP.

But surely you CAN chat to your ILs about it? Tell them what you thought was happening and that you've now apologised because you were wrong

I'm assuming you KNOW beyond doubt that you were wrong? You're not being gaslit?

I'd chat to ILs and put them straight

No, he basically said I should trust him and that the messages don’t mean anything.

Sorry.....I missed this

Sounds like he IS cheating, is gas lighting you and has jumped in with his family to put his case and throw you off the scent

I truly believe that most of the Mumsnetters replying to you here, are on your side @Ribbeddress and not just because you are a woman and he is a man. We are on your side because sadly many of us have suffered from "The Script" in the past, and once you explained the situation a little bit more, there it was, The Script bang in our faces! The most extraordinary thing that I don't understand about The Script is how, how on earth, do so many men follow the same Script when they have presumably not been taught it school? Surely it isn't* *a hidden lesson or exam at school that all of the boys keep to themselves?

So please OP if you still need anonymous support then do come back and talk to us. You don't need to tell us anything that you feel uncomfortable saying, but obviously the more context - and content - we know, then the more likelihood there is that we can give you relevant advice. I'm so sorry to be another one who must be confusing you horribly. I think that if you can manage to clear your mind enough, then please listen to what your gut is telling you now, and seek advice from someone that you can trust implicitly. xx

You are usually trusting as you have said I would follow your gut it is usually right.

“auroraborearlarse · Today 07:31

The reason people are asking for more info about the messages is because we are concerned that there could be more to this. It is up to you what you want to reveal on here, but maybe you were right to have your doubts, and need some support to navigate that. It does raise alarm bells with me when you hear "you are supposed to trust me" in response to being questioned about something that potentially seems dodgy. It is a very effective way of deflecting things back onto you, and shutting down the conversation. In any relationship there might be times where something doesn't add up, and needs further discussion to prevent any misunderstanding. When that happens surely it is easy enough to reassure your partner by being open and willing to talk about it? As someone said above, no-one is entitled to 100% trust. Trust is based on consistency in how someone behaves towards you, and when something happens that seems out of character, and inconsistent with who you believe someone to be, you are entitled to question that and to expect a proper adult conversation as a result. For someone to immediately play the "trust" card is a bit of a red flag for me.”

This with bells on.

With all due respect, OP: do you know what gaslighting is? It's not a pop buzzword for instagram influencers invented 2 seconds ago. It actually means something, actually: something pretty close to what you're describing happened to you (even your reactions when brought up are text book). Of course this an internet anonymous forum, so who knows...

in my professional and personal experience, when a woman thinks/feels/senses she's being cheated on, she's right.

@Ribbeddress

Um… it doesn’t sound like you were wrong though?

You saw what I’m assuming were flirty/sext/inappropriate messages to another woman on his phone and his only defence was “How dare you, you should trust me.”

That’s not a defence. Did he open the message stream and show you everything? Explain who she was? Explain what the messages were about and why he sent them? No. He just told you to trust him…
And then, for the first time in your relationship after telling you that things should be kept private, he went and told his family that you’ve been making unfounded accusations without giving them the backstory or telling them the content of the messages you saw. So, he is getting them on side and laying the groundwork that you’re jealous/crazy/mean to him so that if this comes up again, you already look like the problem, he looks innocent and they’ll all agree that you’re just “at it again.”

It doesn’t sound like he is right here, and it sounds like you need to see all those messages ans have a a full explanation. Because it sounds like he might be cheating.

He’s been messaging someone.
Can you give us an example of the messages? If not the original text, something similar. You aren’t outing yourself, loads of women on here have posted similar.

That’ll put an end to it TBH. The MN on here will tell you instantly if you’ve overreacted or he’s been inappropriate, been caught and is now gaslighting you to shift the blame.