Would you agree that my father is mean?

[Armyofprawns]

You would think that I would perhaps be able to work this out myself but family life is complicated especially the deeper you ar in with situations and I honestly don't know if my father is being mean/mean spirited or not. My friend thinks he is.

Before I start, I will say this is not about me wanting any money off my parents (I know this is heavily frowned upon on MN!). Since leaving home 26 years ago I have never asked for a penny from my parents nor have I been given any.

Up until 6 or so years ago my parents were living a pretty good life. They have never had any money worries and imo have lived a comfortable and fairly stress free, easy life. My parents are now in their early 80's and my dad has enjoyed good health and apart from needing a pacemaker and suffering from osteoporosis, so too had my mum. Dad would spend his week on the golf course or touring around in his classic motorbike, mum did some charity work in a local shop and at the weekends they were always out with friends. I live around the corner and would visit them a couple of times a week, often going out with my mum and my dc when they were young (my dc are their only gc).

However, in 2018 everything changed. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She then developed glaucoma and cataracts and this year she has received a breast cancer diagnosis.

Since the dementia diagnosis and seeing dad struggling with mum's health needs (he is not a natural born carer) I started to help out more and more and before you know it I am going round 4-5 times a week, helping with all of their life admin, financial stuff, organising all of mum's medications and many hospital appointments (which I always attend with them) and health administration, helping with changing beds, doing their washing, taking mum to her day centre twice a week and making mum a packed lunch for both of those days too (all from my own pocket).

I don't earn a lot as I only work part time due to health issues. Money is often tight and my dad is fully aware of this.

I do all of these things to help because I know my dad struggles with mum's diagnosis and he feels the disease has also taken his life away, I know he is suffering also and it breaks me to see my parents like this. I do these things to repay my mum back for being such a lovely mum.

But I suppose the bugbear is that my parents have a lot of money (well in my opinion anyhow). Hundreds of thousands invested (from inheritance from my grandparents), £50k sits in a current account, £15k in another and they live in a very large house worth over £600k (which is now too big for them and beoming a noose around my father's neck as it is 100 years old). Dad is very hesitant to spend any of their money as I know he is worried there won't be enough to over mum's care home needs when she has to go into care, I understand his worries. They currently have a carer in for an hour Mon-Fri to help mum shower (it took me two years to persuade dad to agree to this). A hairdresser comes once a week to wash mum's hair and she attends the two afternoon sessions at the day centre per week and that's enough, dad will not pay out for anything else. My sister does their cleaning once a week/fortnight or whenever she can do it.

For our 'wages' as my dad calls it ,he gives my sister and I £40 per month each. When I told my friend this she was taken aback, she thinks this is very mean. The money helps me alot but I suppose with the amount of phone calls I make for them, the driving my mum to her day centre and paying for her packed lunch it probably covers that and leaves me with not much more!

He isn't very generous, I must admit but is this mean?

It's not about the money, it's about feeling appreciated I suppose.

I misread it as £140 pm and I thought that was mean!

Set boundaries
Ask for petrol money
Be clear about what you can and can't do

It's easy to say you will downsize but IME, few people do. Everyone I know would quite like to (me included) but there is a total dearth of suitable properties to downsize to so we decide not to. Pokey flats with no storage or outside space plus high fees or bungalows, half of which have been extended upwards and over developed and the other half cost at least as much as your average 3bed semi. Doing a neglected one up also costs an absolute fortune these days. Everyone I know is preparing to live downstairs in their houses instead of downsize.

DH and I have both cared for relatives and not received a penny. They cared for their relatives before them for nothing, it is how things used to be. Our parents generation simply can't get their head around spending money like younger people are happy to.

Would it be possible for you to get your DF to do an order on line to include food for packed lunches? I suspect your father is not being mean but possibly like my DH (79) not very au fait with the cost to you of helping out. My DH cannot understand how much time is worth. I pay a cleaner £40 for 3 hours and she is like greased lightning but also listens to him and makes him a coffee. Perhaps £40 every week each to you and your sister and make sandwiches from the online order. Minimum orders seem to be £40 + delivery so so get him torder for the freezer once a month and tins of tuna ,ham etc.
when my daughter came to help when DH was taken to hospital she had to make sure her DH could be at home for the children and some one to walk the dog. I made sure she had the petrol money and etc. Looking after family for free is fine if you don’t have a mortgage and car to run and live round the corner.i grew up with every Saturday shopping for grandparents and then family shopping with my mother. It was hard on the feet even at 10 or 11. It wore my mother out.

I thought that as well. I think the reality is there are a fair amount of mean, selfish and lazy men getting their daughters (lm not saying children as it usually is daughters!) to do the donkey work for nothing or a few pence

I woukd explain to your father that you need to earn more money to help with family bills so either he needs to up the payments to you or that you will have to work more hours elsewhere and therefore not be so available to help with your mum. His choice.

He should at least be making sure you're not out of pocket. So petrol, shopping for lunches he should be covering those costs.

If it's genuinely not about the money, then I would live with it. You are helping your mum because you love your mum, presumably.

If it is about the money - and I think it is - and you are struggling financially, I think it's fine to ask your dad to increase the payment to you and your sister to cover your expenses.

Very mean. My MIL has us all running around like idiots, constantly at her beck and call and never gives us or the grandchildren a single penny. She's been ill recently and we've all taken it in turns to provide her with 24 hour personal care, not pleasant as she's now become incontinent. She's only just agreed to pay for private carers and a cleaner as we've all had enough. I'm not saying we want lots of money off her but just a token of her appreciation would be nice. She's very wealthy and gets attendance allowance. I've become very resentful as she was awarded the attendance allowance to pay for help with everyday activities. She's basically getting free help from her family and squirrelling the money away. I drive her everywhere, do all her shopping and up till recently, all her cleaning. We visit every day and make her lunch, we deal with all her bills, upkeep of her house etc. I know she is family and we should be helping her but I feel resentful she never offers a penny towards petrol etc. We've now made the decision to take a step back. I suggest you do the same as it sounds like you are also being taken for granted.

Wow. She's aging rapidly and incontinent but it's all about you??

@Kiuyni No, it most certainly is not all about me. I'm no youngster myself, we are all "ageing rapidly" but some of us do it more gracefully than others! She can't help becoming incontinent but the fact that we've been providing 24 hour care between us whilst she's been ill and not even had one word of thanks is very disheartening. For example this weekend, whilst getting her shopping, I suggested I buy her next door neighbour some flowers from her to say thanks for the help she has given her over the last few weeks whilst she has been ill, she's sat with while we've gone home to change etc and she outrightly refused. I ended up paying for them myself (and I am on a tight budget). Anyone can become Ill and need help but not everyone takes people for granted like she does!

I really feel for you.
Your dad seems to have little or no awareness of your own resources, whether we are taking physical or mental.
I cared for both of my parents.
My dad made sure I was never a penny out of pocket. He could be a bit demanding at times, but I put that down to age and being fearful.
As well as making sure I was never out of pocket he was always generous on top of that and he only had a fraction of what your dad is sitting on financially.
I would be very direct with him and tell him - you don’t have a lot financially and with costs rising £40
a week would probably be fairer than £40
a month! It is not a lot and at the end of the day he’s not paying for your time, just resources needed to care for your mum.

OP said she deals with their financial affairs so of course she knows the amounts! Are you saying she thinks she’s entitled to more? Well, she is!

kiuyni-Sounds like OP deserves appreciation including financial! She’s been a massive help to her MIL, who sounds mean and demanding.
Peggy- with his money , he could afford a lot more than that. Like many others who give care, she is being taken for granted.

I think it is mean. I’m often appalled when I hear of these situations. Fair enough if you are well off and want to help but when you are skint with a young family. I don’t think it’s fair of your parents to be taking resources away from your children. Either you earn less money by not being at work or have less time to do your own housework, look after dc or just rest. I think it’d be fairer for you to work out your hourly rate after deductions and for him to pay that and you work fewer paid hours at work. You aren’t profiting, just being put in the position you would have been in had you not been looking after your mother. It will save him money too as cheaper than additional help.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo I also cared for both my parents and they were both very grateful, never took me for granted etc Little things like paying for the car park and contributing towards petrol when I took them to hospital appointments, which were often 2/3 times a week in a town a 45 minute drive away from where we lived, meant such a lot and were still cheaper and less stressful than them having to get a taxi. I wouldn't have ever asked them for a penny, I never had to, they always insisted as they were well off and knew I was only a part time worker with young children. Decent people don't take others for granted. Anyone can need help but it is morally wrong to be claiming attendance allowance and squirrelling it away whilst using your family as unpaid carers, cleaners, taxi drivers etc

Spot on.

Ahh. Appreciation.

I wish my siblings appreciated how much I did, and how much I stand in for them. But they never will.

I do everything I do for my parents because I love them both absolutely. They appreciate me, I am so grateful to still have them.

But my siblings upset me as they take the piss.

As someone who is chronically ill agd disabled, yes showing appreciation to those who help you is a must.
Even if you are ‘aging rapidly’ or you are ‘incontinent’.

Taking people for granted, whether it’s close family like your children or your NDN is never a good idea. Not if you want them to help you again (which if the person is aging rapidly is likely to happen soon!)

@DreamHolidays Well said! Saying thank you costs absolutely nothing and makes such a difference to the person helping you. I'm no youngster myself and my husband is disabled, hence I step in and look after his mother as I know he can't. I'm also full time carer for my dh and our adopted daughter, who has her own disabilities. Both of them frequently thank me for everything I do for them and tell me how much they appreciate me. That show of appreciation makes the times when I'm absolutely worn out seem worth it.

This makes me sad because as in your situation, most of my friends parents have been very generous to them whenever they have helped them out and it's not about the money as such but the appreciation, just acknowledging what is being done for them. My dad is fully aware that I struggle financially due to my health issues but whenever I mention it I just get told to sell an asset (not that I have many) or that my dh should be helping more financially (which he does as he pays most of our household bills etc) but this then annoys my dh because he sees it that he is basically working 50 hours a week to support my parents. My dad does not appreciate this at all.

Have you ask directly for petrol money?

Why is your dh resentful? He doesn't sound very supportive!

Why can't you tell your dps that you need to work more hours for financial reasons?

That is all that is required in most of these circumstances isn't it? Just some small acknowledgement for the things we do to help other people's lives easier.

I think some of here have twisted my op, I am not some money grabbing child begrudgingly helping out my parents in the hope of conning them out of their thousands, I do what I do because I love them but it is without doubt quite heartbreaking when you get little thanks back. I know my lovely mum would have very much appreciated everything and paid me a lot more than my dad does but she sadly doesn't realise what I actually do for her (more than I have listed on here) but I do believe my father is from an era where he thinks that family and in particular, women should step up when it comes to caring for their elderly parents.

I know, without doubt that I will never expect my ds or dd to look after me in my old age. And if they insist then (if I have the funds), I will show my appreciation towards them always.

ASK HIM!!!!