I need to know if this is normal

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DS2 has ordered online a skirt, cropped top and fishnets which arrived today, although he was very cagey about it.

Appears to be a straight forward boy and so am not sure where this has come from.

He is 14 and so is this par for the course? I am very old at 53 and feel so out of my depth.

DS1 who is 18 and at uni is totally cool with it, so think it might just be me and DH struggling

I feel I should just be cool too, but it has taken me rather by surprise

Equally if he takes the photos he could get a criminal record, despite being a possible victim.

Re 'normal' ...
if your son's doing it, so are other boys ...somewhere too

There are very good reasons not to start early. Fetishes are learned responses and they can be reinforced but once they are in place they are much more difficult to fade.

Why do they never buy Victorian nighties

There were plenty who did in the 80's when being all Bohemian and Consumptive was in. I doubt he's discovered New Romantics though.

I'd be wary of going in all guns blazing. The last fancy dress Halloween party I was at every single bloke was in fishnets because of Harley Quinn.

OP how do you know what was in the parcel?

Maybe in the past he would have been a crossdresser and kept it secret but now it's cool and mainstream to be gender nonconforming so he can be open about it. My son started stealing my underwear around that age. Fast forward a few years and he's wearing a bra and nylon tights under his clothes, his friends call him a girl's name, and he wants to start "HRT."

He quite often gets stuff delivered and he always shows us what he has bought. This time he refused and so I took the wrapping out of the bin and could quite clearly see what was on the delivery label and where he had bought it.

I am going to talk to him tonight and try to find out what is going on.

wow, that must be so difficult to deal with

Fetishism isn't an illness, and I wouldn't be alarmed by his liking for kinky tights or whatever. However if he is going out and about dressed in a way that might attract sexual predators, that is serious especially as he's so young. If you can possibly start a conversation about how he plans to use his new purchases you might either be reassured or start thinking about how you can protect him.

Maybe he got them as gifts for someone else. Maybe he is thinking about illegally singing up for something like only fans for money. Or maybe he needs more attention

I would be shocked by this but would try and talk to my son about it. I'd assume he was questioning his sexuality/ identity in some way.

A friend has a son who is 14 and gay and that outfit is how he dresses.

Try not to judge. Keep lines of communication open.

Just read the whole thread - my friend's gay son describes himself as a femboy. I'm not saying your son is gay but it might be something he's exploring.

so, I spoke to DS2 tonight and he hadn't appreciated the fetish side of it at all. He didn't seem to know that this was wank material for adult males.

The end result was that we were OK with the dressing up but that he needed to make sure he was safe and not fodder for internet child abusers.

So, he's not wildly progressive and trying out sex stuff, in fact entirely the opposite and seems naive and immature (not in a bad sense, but literally - more childlike).
Dressing up for what? Play or for a party?

Yes, I think naive would sum it up, thankfully.

I think the dressing up is something he does for fun and most likely just at home rather than out and about.

Well done, it sounds like you have a good relationship and your son feels comfortable to talk to you about any worries 😊 keep the communication open and supportive and I'm sure he'll find his way 💐

Didn’t know? If he has access to the internet he will have known

Yeah, I'd question the "I had no idea" statement. There is no way for him to know about femboys if he is not on very questionable parts of the internet. He didn't think it up himself.

If he carries on with it he've very likely to end up trapped in fetishistic sexual expression which would be very sad.

I say his private sex life is no one’s business not even the OP’s as it’s very intrusive but he better not be taking pictures of himself or anything like that or doing anything online

If he carries on with it he've very likely to end up trapped in fetishistic sexual expression which would be very sad.

It seems fairly obvious that the horse has already bolted.

While OP can do her best to keep him safe online and to instil good judgement in him, I think it's unrealistic to expect her to be able to intervene in a 14 year-old boy's inner world to "undo" a sexual fetish that has clearly already developed to the point he has ordered clothes to be delivered to his home.

While OP can obviously set boundaries about his behaviour, I can't see how she would be able to control her DS's actual thoughts. I guess my point is that even if banning the clothes (or the internet) helped in some ways (and I'm not convinced it would at this point), it's not going to stop a 14 year old being attracted to what he's attracted to. He's already seen what he's seen and has associated it with positive feelings, so unless OP has a time machine, I doubt she can 'undo' that.

Obviously there's a sexual component (because he went to this much trouble to get the clothes, tried to conceal them, refused to discuss the parcel, and because, well, he's 14), but that doesn't mean he's doomed or that getting turned on by wearing fishnets is sad.

OP has explained to him that it's a sexual kink (which is necessary nowadays because online, cross-dressing is often conflated with being one's authentic self and so it makes sense that a teen nowadays might not recognise the sexual component themselves as this is typically obfuscated online), so provided he's keeping it in the bedroom and not involving non-consenting others in getting his kicks, I can't see what's sad about that - it's no-one's business but his.

We aren't totally at the mercy of our thoughts. People do develop obsessional and fetishistic behaviours that they stop pursuing because they realize it is problematic, either personally or socially. The same holds true for other problematic behaviours and thoughts, be it around eating, antisocial behaviour, etc. We can train ourselves to change our thoughts patterns and the earlier the better - it's easier to replace them with good thoughts and habits early on.

I'm not sure how our society came up with the idea that there isn't any kind of control we can establish around our sexual thoughts, but its horrendously fucking dangerous.

He is still very young and doesn't likely have the maturity to figure those problems out for himself . On the other hand it won't be a well established behaviour for him as it would be if he were 10 years older. It's up to his parents, and I'd say ideally his dad, to tell him what the personal consequences for this are likely to lead to and that he should and can moderate his behaviour.

It's no wonder we see young people with such problems when no one will even try and teach them.

And just to add - cross dressing fetishes, like many other fetishes, can and do interfere with having a successful, real, relationship, so that is rather sad.