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Original poster

Friend's inappropriate comment re; kids

92 replies

ChitterChatter1987 · 16/09/2024 14:41

We have a friend who we visited recently.
He has form for being abit of a dick in not thinking about what he says or does.
Can be quite misogynistic, anti-homosexuals etc, has rather a crude sense of humour, but this was another level of weird.
I was not in the room at the time but DH told me after we got home that he said a very strange inappropriate comment.

DH said; Are they (our kid 7yo girl his kid 4yo boy) okay playing upstairs? (implying was it allowed for them to go upstairs)
Friend said; Yeah, he isn't going to slip inside her or anything (meaning sexual penetration)

I mean, theyre 7 & 4?!?!

DH isn't the best at responding on the spot, I think he was quite shell-shocked tbh, but isn't very happy about the comment and is now wondering whether to challenge the friend about it.

I personally think it's pointless now, but definitely think DH should have said something at the time to challenge it and show his annoyance and disagreement at such a distasteful comment.

OP posts:
SauviGone · 16/09/2024 14:45

Well you’re both ok with him openly voicing misogyny and homophobia so… 🤷‍♀️

What’s that saying, “you are the company you keep”.

35965a · 16/09/2024 14:45

I think it’s pointless raising it now, really one of you should have told him how disgusting it is to say that at the time, although I’m sure he knew what he was saying was inappropriate. I’d cool off the friendship as I wouldn’t want my children round a person like that, saying things like that.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 16/09/2024 14:48

SauviGone · 16/09/2024 14:45

Well you’re both ok with him openly voicing misogyny and homophobia so… 🤷‍♀️

What’s that saying, “you are the company you keep”.

Gosh, so much judgement and assumption!
Well no I'm not OK with that whatsoever, and do counteract his comments if i hear them, certainly don't agree, go along with it or laugh or anything.However he is DH's friend not mine, and hence I feel DH is the one who really needs to put him in his place (along with his GF who sadly let's him treat her disrespectfully)
We are nothing like him.

OP posts:

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ilovelamp82 · 16/09/2024 14:48

I wouldn't say anything now. The moment has passed. I also wouldn't be seeing him ever again. If he ever asks why, you can tell him then.
I don't know how he could have continued having a normal conversation with him after that. That's some Jimmy Saville hiding in plain sight stuff.

Coconutter24 · 16/09/2024 14:49

“He has form for being abit of a dick in not thinking about what he says or does.
Can be quite misogynistic, anti-homosexuals etc, has rather a crude sense of humour”

His comment was inappropriate and quite disgusting tbh but his usual behaviour sounds similar so why are you surprised? Seems pointless to go back now and say anything but if he’s usually like this you and DH should prepare yourself for something so you can say something in response to one of his gross comments

CheeseWisely · 16/09/2024 14:51

Can be quite misogynistic, anti-homosexuals etc

Wouldn't be crossing the threshold of my home, DH's friend or not. Come to think of it, wouldn't have married a Man who tolerates these behaviours in his friends. Birds of a feather and all that.

landris · 16/09/2024 14:55

Wouldn't be crossing the threshold of my home

He wasn't at their home - the OP and her DH were visiting him. I dare say the OP is going to avoid him from now on, and it sounds like the DH isn't keen on him any more either.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 16/09/2024 14:55

35965a · 16/09/2024 14:45

I think it’s pointless raising it now, really one of you should have told him how disgusting it is to say that at the time, although I’m sure he knew what he was saying was inappropriate. I’d cool off the friendship as I wouldn’t want my children round a person like that, saying things like that.

Thanks- if I had overheard it at the time I would have said something back to challenge it!
Sadly DH can lack a backbone with things like that sometimes.
Definitely has put me off him (even more than other stuff already had)
I don't think he is a sexual risk to children, just someone who says stupid inappopriate comments for a reaction and shock factor, but our kids would never be alone with him anyway.

OP posts:
SauviGone · 16/09/2024 14:57

We are nothing like him.

And yet you continue to choose to be friends with him, and even worse allowing him to be around your child.

Somerandomerontheinternet · 16/09/2024 14:58

He sounds absolutely awful. I’m not a fan of misogyny or homophobia myself so hard to put myself in your shoes (as respectfully as possible).

I wanted to reply because I’d be pretty revolted and disturbed if someone said that about my child or anyone else’s . Most people’s brains would never think that, let alone to say that out loud. I wouldn’t have my child around him ever (even if you’re okay with him which I wouldn’t be). I’d be pretty sorry for any children of his and what they will be picking up, and the values they internalise.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 16/09/2024 15:00

When I say anti- homosexuals I mainly mean he seems to get paranoid his son is growing to grow up and be gay and this would be a problem...doesn't like him playing with dolls prams, lipstick etc.
He is quite a lad, into drinking, football etc and wants his son to be the same.
Him and DH are like chalk and cheese really, DH only speaks to him as he is a childhood friend and DH doesn't have many friends as he isn't very confident socially, but has said he is definitely getting worse as the years go on and now after this wants to pull back with contact.

OP posts:
Somerandomerontheinternet · 16/09/2024 15:01

Just to add I saw your comment that you don’t think he’s a danger to your child, I hadn’t even got that far. I think simply his world view and values are so poor that’s enough to me.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 16/09/2024 15:04

SauviGone · 16/09/2024 14:57

We are nothing like him.

And yet you continue to choose to be friends with him, and even worse allowing him to be around your child.

He is getting alot worse....we hadn't seen him in nearly a year before this occasion.And I don't think we will be seeing him again anytime soon tbh..his general behaviour and attitude was much worse this time than before and he has treated his GF very disrespectfully this year which put him down in my estimations too.
I was just keen to see them to socialise with her and their kids.

OP posts:
CheeseWisely · 16/09/2024 15:07

landris · 16/09/2024 14:55

Wouldn't be crossing the threshold of my home

He wasn't at their home - the OP and her DH were visiting him. I dare say the OP is going to avoid him from now on, and it sounds like the DH isn't keen on him any more either.

Apologies, I missed the 'we' in the first line.

Rest of my points still stand though.

RightOnTheEdge · 16/09/2024 15:10

Well it was a disgusting thing to say but I wouldn't be friends with or have my children around anyone who was like this!
He has form for being abit of a dick in not thinking about what he says or does.
Can be quite misogynistic, anti-homosexuals

I'd judge anyone who chose to be friends with them too.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 16/09/2024 15:11

Somerandomerontheinternet · 16/09/2024 14:58

He sounds absolutely awful. I’m not a fan of misogyny or homophobia myself so hard to put myself in your shoes (as respectfully as possible).

I wanted to reply because I’d be pretty revolted and disturbed if someone said that about my child or anyone else’s . Most people’s brains would never think that, let alone to say that out loud. I wouldn’t have my child around him ever (even if you’re okay with him which I wouldn’t be). I’d be pretty sorry for any children of his and what they will be picking up, and the values they internalise.

Yes we were only saying yesterday that we worry for how his son will turn out...he is very dismissive of his sons emotions too, just wants him to 'man up' when crying etc....one of those sorts.Luckily the mum is very different at least.

Yes it's such a weird thing to come out with....like you say most people would never think that not alone say it.

OP posts:
NiftyKoala · 16/09/2024 15:11

I wouldn't be friends with him before the comment and I definitely wouldn't be friends after the comment. No one needs this type of friend unless birds of a feather. I'd cut him off and tell him why.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2024 15:13

I was just keen to see them to socialise with her and their kids.

Be a friend to her then, without him there. And you think he isn't a treat to children, but you don't know. No one good says sexual things about small children, it wouldn't occur to them.

JC03745 · 16/09/2024 15:16

along with his GF who sadly let's him treat her disrespectfully

Along with the long list of other charming things this person has done and says, you also allow your DD to be in the company of man that mistreats his partner!!!
This must be a wind up!

twomanyfrogsinabox · 16/09/2024 15:16

It was a crude comment (joke) that they were too young to be up to anything sexual. He's implying the comment 'are they alright playing upstairs' would be more something you would say about teenagers so a bit of a joke at your DH's expense for saying it about young children (a deliberate mis-interpretation). More stupidity and trying to be clever than anything else

MegMez · 16/09/2024 15:18

Jeeeez. Eww. I'd cut him out. Do not visit him.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 16/09/2024 15:18

twomanyfrogsinabox · 16/09/2024 15:16

It was a crude comment (joke) that they were too young to be up to anything sexual. He's implying the comment 'are they alright playing upstairs' would be more something you would say about teenagers so a bit of a joke at your DH's expense for saying it about young children (a deliberate mis-interpretation). More stupidity and trying to be clever than anything else

Yes, you've hit the nail on the head! Thankyou.Totally unacceptable and stupid, but almost certainly meant in the ways you have described.

OP posts:
EngineEngineNumber9 · 16/09/2024 15:22

Why don’t you just leave your DH to hang out with this weirdo (if he must) and keep yourself and your child out of it? He sounds abusive towards his son for starters.

JacquelineShit · 16/09/2024 15:23

I don't think I know anyone (at least I hope not) who wouldn't have pulled him straight up on that vile, sick comment.

If your DH wants to pull him up retrospectively, he should bloody well do it and fast.

Timeforaglassofwine · 16/09/2024 15:27

I agree with @twomanyfrogsinabox , I think it was a misplaced piss takey kind of "joke". I don't even know how someone's brain can be wired up to talk that way though. I would withdraw and block for the previous stuff alone. Boys unfortunately tend to look to their fathers to learn how to speak and behave, and I wouldn't want my child, particular daughter, exposed to that.