Friend's inappropriate comment re; kids

[ChitterChatter1987]

We have a friend who we visited recently.
He has form for being abit of a dick in not thinking about what he says or does.
Can be quite misogynistic, anti-homosexuals etc, has rather a crude sense of humour, but this was another level of weird.
I was not in the room at the time but DH told me after we got home that he said a very strange inappropriate comment.

DH said; Are they (our kid 7yo girl his kid 4yo boy) okay playing upstairs? (implying was it allowed for them to go upstairs)
Friend said; Yeah, he isn't going to slip inside her or anything (meaning sexual penetration)

I mean, theyre 7 & 4?!?!

DH isn't the best at responding on the spot, I think he was quite shell-shocked tbh, but isn't very happy about the comment and is now wondering whether to challenge the friend about it.

I personally think it's pointless now, but definitely think DH should have said something at the time to challenge it and show his annoyance and disagreement at such a distasteful comment.

That would be the end of the friendship.

Because nothing that bad can happen with us there if by chance any male they were around did have bad intentions.

And if you read the update, DH has pulled the mate up on it now.And don't plan on seeing him again anytime soon!

Most certainly not.

If you're a social worker, surely you know how grooming works and that it starts with friends and family of the children. That's how they gain your trust.

You've not described him.very favourably at all so you can't really be indignant on here that people have responded how they have. Mysoginistic, homophobic, sick sense of humour etc

You describe him like that and also how you don't like the way he speaks to his wife but your happy for your child to be around that but your not happy and won't allow your child have a sleepover with a friend if their Dad or male sibling lives at home or let them have a sleepover with a a male relative, like an Uncle or Grandad

I also can't edit, but this surprised me

I work with the local SS dept....I know what their parameters are for referrals and that they wouldn't act upon a comment like this.

They wouldn't act however it would be recorded if it went through as a safe guarding referral. You don't know how inappropriate this man is being to others when you're not there or whether his child has repeated anything at nursery that's been recorded and monitored or whether someone else has rang in a concern.

It could be the missing part of a puzzle or the start of a puzzle that decides whether any action is taken now or in the future

Ignoring sexually inappropriate comments about children isn't ideal is it? You could potentially ignore it but from how you've described him, he sounds like he had no moral compass and isn't a very nice person.

You're so defensive of this friend of yours and quick to shoot down anyone telling you how abhorrent this is. What was the point in posting then?

1. @YellowphantGrey I'm not a social worker...I said I work WITH social services.
2. I'm not 'trusting him with' my children as i wouldn't any of our other male friends....and I think it's pretty obvious that being round someone with me there closely supervising 100% of the time is completely different to leaving them in a male's care or home alone or overnight!
3. He is not my friend, he is DH's.
4. No his morals aren't great, I agree, but that doesn't make him a paedophile.

Not defending him, I've said all along he was an idiot for it, I'm still not okay with it, and it was a disgusting inappropriate comment.

All I'm doing is not agreeing with the perspective that he is a paedophile, and trying to say that isn't what this is, as @twomanyfrogsinabox said;

"It was a crude comment (joke) that they were too young to be up to anything sexual. He's implying the comment 'are they alright playing upstairs' would be more something you would say about teenagers so a bit of a joke at your DH's expense for saying it about young children (a deliberate mis-interpretation). More stupidity and trying to be clever than anything else"

But you still allowed him around your child, knowing how he is and you being there and saying nothing is an indirect acceptance of his behaviours.

On one hand your saying he's absolutely not a paedophile but on the other hand, you've actively chosen not to be around him. You accepted the mysoginy, the sick sense of humour and the homophobia bur the sexual comments are where you've drawn the line. Why? If its an innocent as what you think it is?

You will.never know his intentions you will never know whether it was a one off comment or one of many.but there's.no issue at all reporting it to the local safeguarding team. The family might not be known, there might be other recorded concerns, there might be enough concerns that this is the missing piece

I'd rather report it and get it wrong and nothing happens than ignore it, do nothing and just cut them off and be wrong

It's rare that someone is outed as a paedophile and people aren't surprised.

@ChitterChatter1987 he’s the problem as are you. No normal person makes a sexualised joke about kids. Your ability to brush it under the carpet is astonishing. He’s gross and should be reported to SS in my opinion

Too late now...

My BIL is famous for his inappropriate one liners.... it either kicks off or people ignore him... there is no in between.

Not sure what my sister sees him him 🤪

I'm glad to read that your husband is wanting to withdraw from this friendship.

You do not need this 'friend' in your life.

@ChitterChatter1987 "When I say anti- homosexuals I mainly mean he seems to get paranoid his son is growing to grow up and be gay and this would be a problem...doesn't like him playing with dolls prams, lipstick etc."

Yep-that's "anti homosexual" all right!

I would be ending that friendship right away. Something very untoward there indeed.

Going forward, I wouldn’t let him anywhere near the kids and would seriously try to persuade DH of what a nasty bastard his friend is.

No. Given OPs other posts it was what Americans call “kidding on the square” and others call a Freudian Slip. He wishes his son would be unassailably masculine: not gay, not womanish, not emotional. At the top of his mind and the bottom of it too he is obsessed with his son’s fragile sexual identity (its very typical of these macho guys to think secretly that masculinity is fragile, threatened, and contingent on environment such as the colour of clothes or their style).

He expressed the sad—to him—thought that his son was not going to have sex with the older child because he is obsessed with his 4 year old’s identity as a manly man.

Really offensive "humour". Why would you want anyone like that in your life?