Friend's inappropriate comment re; kids

[ChitterChatter1987]

We have a friend who we visited recently.
He has form for being abit of a dick in not thinking about what he says or does.
Can be quite misogynistic, anti-homosexuals etc, has rather a crude sense of humour, but this was another level of weird.
I was not in the room at the time but DH told me after we got home that he said a very strange inappropriate comment.

DH said; Are they (our kid 7yo girl his kid 4yo boy) okay playing upstairs? (implying was it allowed for them to go upstairs)
Friend said; Yeah, he isn't going to slip inside her or anything (meaning sexual penetration)

I mean, theyre 7 & 4?!?!

DH isn't the best at responding on the spot, I think he was quite shell-shocked tbh, but isn't very happy about the comment and is now wondering whether to challenge the friend about it.

I personally think it's pointless now, but definitely think DH should have said something at the time to challenge it and show his annoyance and disagreement at such a distasteful comment.

You say you and your husband are nothing like him, but you are still condoning his behaviour by being friends with him - and that I think it what people have an issue with.

Would you stay friends with someone who was a white supremisit, because it's only a part of them and while you disagre with it, you are able to put it aside, same with if someone had raped someone, but were lovely to everyone else?

Staying friends with someone - is okaying it. We say it all the time to men who stay friends with abusers and misoginists - that they needs to make it unacceptable, and not just an uncomfortable part of their friend that they ignore cause other than that they are a 'great bloke'.

My husband's old friend made some really inapporpiate commentsaround/to me - he also has changed and everyone would say he never used to be like that. My husband decided to cut him out of our lives as he doesn't want our son or daughters to grow up thinking that is ok, or being one of those men who excuses such behaviour cause it's easier to look away and focus on his ok qualities.

1. Because he had never said anything of this nature up until now.And I wasn't exactly trusting him 'with' them (asin they weren't being left alone with him)

2. Errm because there's a kids bedroom up there with toys in? :-/ So whenever you visit people with kids/your kids have playdates etc they don't go upstairs and play in their bedrooms?

Or are you thinking the dad was up there with them on his own? If so, definitely not.

Thanks for seeing this for what it actually is....and not labelling me a vile misogynistic homophobic paedophile.

But you say he is homophobic and misogynistic and treats his GF and son badly.
Of course you are not responsible for what this awful man says or does but you ARE responsible for being in his company and taking your children with you.

You're right, which is why after this last visit it feels like the straw that broke the camels back for me after a history other issues, and so next time I would prefer DH to meet him alone.

So your Dh has pulled him up on it? I can’t think of a single father that I know who wouldn’t have jumped on this at the time and would have left it a few days. Bizarre behaviour.

I hope that this is the end of the friendship although doubt it.

I disagree with you (on everything) about social services. He’s making sexualised comments about children. You couldn’t stand up for your child so stand up for his child. It’s not normal to speak like this about childre, it isn’t sarcasm or a joke.

Why on earth is this friend 1 - a friend and 2 - allowed in your house

Since your DH started it in the first place, I'd be concerned about the poor effect they're having on each other. God knows what they escalate to when they go out together, especially if drinking.

You can’t stop your DH being his friend even though he should.

you can reasonably say he isn’t welcome in your home. Ever. and he isn’t allowed contact with your children
ie if your DH wants to meet him outside the home fine but your children can’t be present

i wouldnt speak to or lay eyes on him again
and he could keep his lame apology

Yes he has....it was the day after it happened.
Yes DH should have said something at the time he realises that now,I think he was just really shocked by it and he isn't the best at being assertive tbh.
But he did pull the friend up on how inappropriate the comment was and how you can't joke about such things.

I work with the local SS dept....I know what their parameters are for referrals and that they wouldn't act upon a comment like this.I would take no hesitation in reporting him if i genuinely thought he was a risk to children.

I think you've misread my post! DH was asking if they were okay to go upstairs out of politeness! He would never joke about something like that.
And they don't go on nights out together....DH is very different, doesn't like banter, crudeness etc and doesn't even drink.

You'd prefer your husband to meet him alone? I think I'd prefer my husband not to meet someone like that AT ALL 🙄 And before you say it would be the husband's choice,I'm pretty sure my husband couldn't be friends with someone who had come out with a sick comment like that.

I really hope by prefer your H to meet this creep alone you mean that neither you nor your children will ever be in the same building as him and you have told your H that he will lose a lot of your respect if he continues with this friendship as well

Bit of a gross thing to say, and the phrasing of it. Shows where his mind goes to, gross!!

It's called grooming, OP.

He pushed a boundary and you did nothing. Having had a chance to think about it I would be keeping my children well away from him.

That's very much not a normal thing to say. Every single person (all men) I've known to make weird comments along those lines has been a very, very dodgy person I wouldn't have my kids anywhere near.

Yeah I agree with above poster about the boundary pushing. Take care op.

I appreciate the concern, and whilst I maintain that I really don't think he is a paedophile, I am aware that it was a very inappropriate and shocking thing to say, and I also know you can never be 100% sure what some men are or are not capable of and am mindful of that fact, hence why our kids aren't left alone with any males, go to sleepovers at houses with males there etc, just incase.

Good that you are aware.

But it's not just about leaving your kids alone with any males. If you go over to Jimmy's house with the kids then the kids will think Jimmy is ok, because his Mam and Dad are good friends of Jimmy. You can't watch them 24/7 but you can set them up with good boundaries and dodgy 'friends' of Mam and Dad breach that boundary.

Jimmy Saville was constantly telling people how dodgy he was. It was so blatant. The documentary on Netflix is absolutely stomach turning.

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

@ChitterChatter1987 ignore some of the pp’s on here, especially @BeMintBee .
You've realised that this friend of your dh is not a person to remain friends with and that’s what counts.
The fact your dh was upset by the comment and told you means he too is not comfortable with his friend being inappropriate.
Just quietly drop the friendship.

Birds of a feather.

He's making sexual innuendos about children. He's also mysoginistic and homophobic.

I always wonder if people are that open about displaying these behaviours, what are they hiding?

I'd definitely be keeping your children away from him, his words are enough.

This is where other men need to do better in pulling up other men when they say inappropriate things and not sit back quietly and wait for someone else to deal with it

What's the difference from not allowing them to have sleepovers where there are men at the house or leaving them alone with a male but allowing them around a man who makes sexual comments about children?

If these comments continue, likely as you said he has form and he has no reason to stop, because no one pulled him up about it, then it's normalising those comments and your children will believe those comments to be acceptable.

You need to worry about this behaviour that's happened rather than one that hasn't.

Yes, you mean he is a vile homophobeand your dh turns a blind eye. He would not be allowed near my children.

It’s time to ask yourself why you’re not being true to yourself here. Why are you planning on ever seeing this guy again?