I don’t want to have sex

[zaaaaara]

Is this normal? Bit of background, 26, 2 young kids (2y9mo and 7mo)

married to a man I love and I do find him attractive but I just don’t want to have sec. And it’s not him I don’t have desire really in general( sometimes short bursts but not enough for me to want to do the deed

I feel quite repulsed by myself and just don’t feel sexual. My body is so different and I don’t have any confidence I don’t like my new body and ironically it’s not that I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost weight after my kids I have no boobs because of breastfeeding and lost the ass I have and I’m kind of tall so jus look awful and ‘lanky’

im also exhausted which probably doesn’t help. Our youngest hasn’t been the best sleeper

is this normal? I haven’t had sex with my husband in a year and we got married this year. I just don’t want to someone gave me free time away from my kids (I.e my parents babysitting) I’d just want to nap or catch up on jobs as sad as that sounds😭

I think this is more normal than people admit in real life. You’ve got 2 small children, one of which is only 7 months old. I completely went off sex for ages after the birth of my first child - to be honest it didn’t help that my now ex was awful and didn’t help much at all but I just didn’t feel sexual at all. It will probably come back, it’s natures way of saying you’ve got enough on your plate at the moment!

I think it's very normal with kids of that age. I was the same but I started to want sex more as the kids got older ( I was less exhausted).
However, not sleeping with your partner for a year doesn't sound ideal. I'd try and rekindle some romance somehow.

So you’re saying because of what I’ve expressed my husband will cheat on me?

It is exhausting having young children but they are only little for a short time and you do need to talk to your husband and prioritise your relationship too.
Can you discuss this with him?

Probably not cheat (not for a good while) but he'll be craving some sort of female attention from somewhere.

@Bouncynuggets this is the worlds most wanky response

Absolutely this!!

That's like saying it's OP's fault if he cheats. No it bloody is not!

I agree not the OP's fault as you shouldn't feel pressured to have sex if you don't want to, but it's one of those conundrums that has no real answer. You shouldn't have sex you don't want but at the same time you can't expect your partner to end their sex life for an infinite period of time. There will have to be a solution in the end.

So what I’m gathering is it’s not normal and I need a kick up the arse and to try and have sex again

I think a lot of women feel like this when they are exhausted with small children. I think it's very normal and will only pass when life is less tiring

I think it is normal to lose your sex drive a little as your energy is elsewhere, but yes, think after a year if you value your relationship you should work on intimacy, even if it's not full sex. Or reevaluate if you want to continue in your relationship.

Are you still breastfeeding your youngest? Both times I've been breastfeeding I've had very little interest or desire for sex but once I've finished feeding some semblance of a sex drive has slowly crept back. I'll be honest I'm not at a pre ttc and children libido but in fairness I'm now 10 years older with 2 children.

I think its normal and natural. Childbirth and child rearing take a huge toll.

It took me two and a half years after having last DC to want sex. During that time we had sex once. We got back into it and now I love it again, but honestly hormones, initial breastfeeding and exhaustion really threw me off.

I think it’s more common than you’d think but I also know from experience that you’ve got to keep communicating with your partner as they can feel rejected and hurt (but no, cheating is not acceptable or expected despite what people tell you there. My DH went without and didn’t cheat on me because he’s a decent person who understood it wasn’t about me rejecting him as a person and we talked about it and found intimacy in other ways).

You need to assess the situation as a whole; what needs do need to be met before you think you might be in the mood? Are you and your parent connecting on a romantic way? Are they a decent co-parent? Do you get down time to yourself?

Very normal OP. I have a 10m old and 3y old. We started the youngest in nursery one day a week a month earlier than we needed, and my partner took those days off. We spent it working on us - going for lunch, spa, chats, and sex. It helped to have that time set aside. There was no pressure except to relax and enjoy each other's company like pre kids. Could that be an option for you? Or get someone to babysit occasionally? It's so tough and tiring at this stage, it's totally normal to not want sex. Sometimes initially it feels like a chore, it takes a minute to get into it. Also, how much help are you getting with kids, house, etc? The days my husbands useless there's not a chance, when he's doing more than his fair share I'm much more interested... and ignore the pp that mentioned cheating - says more about them than your relationship.

Totally normal.

You might like to look up responsive desire. In summary, it means you kind of have to start before you get into it.

Completely consensual of course, but there is an element of lying there for a bit til your reaction kicks in. Reading or watching erotica can help get your brain in gear. You'll need to prime your partner as well - he needs to initiate

I think it's normal to feel this way but time for intimacy must be carved out or it can be detrimental to the relationship. A pp had a point, as unpleasant as it is to hear; lack of physical intimacy (unless agreed upon by both partners) only has a certain shelf life before it seeps into other areas of your life, and can wreak havoc on your relationship.

So is it really bad we haven’t had sex in a year???

I’ve just not had the energy or drive. I stopped breastfeeding a month ago and our youngest won’t go to anyone else and still wakes every 2-3 hours (for cuddles now) so we really haven’t had all the time? It feels like passing ships a lot. The minute we’d get alone time she’d wake etc

I think it's normal. Hubby and my were only once a month people before kids and after it's just when we can. We just did 3 months without. It's the back to back illnesses brought home, lack of sleep, terrace house and neighbours hearing - juggling work.

I do however just get it done once a once, more of a tick box exercise than anything else. I don't crave it or want it, just gets to the stage where I think oh it's been a while we better get it done. Like a chore around the house. There is nothing adventurous about it. Same missionary, him on top, over quite quickly. To my relief.

I feel repulsed at the thought of me having sex I just feel like I’m disgusting now

Also to add, that very often in those early days, I would start being intimate with my husband (a little reluctantly-but consenting andnunder jo pressure from him) and after a few minutes would be very glad I did. I would get into it and even when I didn't, I would enjoy the emotional connection amd would feel closer to him. He was visibly happier too.

OP you have sex when you'd like too and not a moment before, but the key is to let your DH know that this isn't about him. You can still be lovely let him know you care and that you are just in a space right now that's not really making you feel like sex.

I'd actually read him your post. Let him know how you feel.

Bullshit, it's completely normal, having young children is hard. You mentioned feeling repulsed with yourself so I would focus on working on that rather than your husbands "wants/ needs"

focus on self care for yourself, eating nourishing food, baths/showers that you can spend a bit of extra time pampering yourself, prioritise sleep when you can (so hard with little ones) gentle movement not with the intention of losing weight or changing your body just with the intention of looking after your physical and mental health (walks/gentle yoga some light weights or a class you'd enjoy) catch up with friends when you can.

Does your husband take on his fair share of the load, looking after the children and the house to enable you some time for yourself? You can't give everything and deplete your cup and still be expected to be up for sex.

sexual appetite comes and goes over a life time but if you work on the above a natural side affect in time a bit of libido will come back. This is a season in your life and it won't be like this forever. Your husband can be patient and sort himself out in the meantime.

if your husband does message a woman from work as a horrible pp suggested then he's done you a favour showing you what a horrible man is and you'll not have to waste the rest of your life with him, will be nothing to do with your current ex drive. I'm sure he won't though that was just a spiteful comment from a misogynist.

You really need to talk to your DH so he’s not hurt or rejected.

And make time for the you that’s part of a couple, not just the mummy machine.