I don’t want to have sex

[zaaaaara]

Is this normal? Bit of background, 26, 2 young kids (2y9mo and 7mo)

married to a man I love and I do find him attractive but I just don’t want to have sec. And it’s not him I don’t have desire really in general( sometimes short bursts but not enough for me to want to do the deed

I feel quite repulsed by myself and just don’t feel sexual. My body is so different and I don’t have any confidence I don’t like my new body and ironically it’s not that I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost weight after my kids I have no boobs because of breastfeeding and lost the ass I have and I’m kind of tall so jus look awful and ‘lanky’

im also exhausted which probably doesn’t help. Our youngest hasn’t been the best sleeper

is this normal? I haven’t had sex with my husband in a year and we got married this year. I just don’t want to someone gave me free time away from my kids (I.e my parents babysitting) I’d just want to nap or catch up on jobs as sad as that sounds😭

Exhaustion can be. It's worth checking it's just new mum tiredness and not something that needs treating.

If self help methods don't work for coming to terms with your new body then counseling might help.

I really wouldn't worry about him being repulsed by your body though, he'll just be glad to finally be allowed near it 😁. Unless he's been living under a rock for the past 2000 years he'll be aware women's bodies change after children. If you're wearing ordinary clothes (not a burka or similar that totally hides your shape) he'll have already noticed your body is different from the way you clothes hang, even if he hasn't felt you from a hug. It's very very unlikely he's going to clap eyes on you in your undies and run screaming for the hills. And if he does, he's a tosser and you're well rid!

💯 This. Coercion isn't consent. Why would you agree to something you don't want, unless you felt coerced?

I sometimes think men don't get it with the tiredness. And the "helping" with DC - as if they're doing their DP a favour.
With some it might be worth a try to ask for your Christmas/birthday present to be a weekend to yourself. I'd prime the grandparents to be "busy" and unable to help. He'd have to do all childcare and housework that you'd normally do, on the understanding that if he slacks off by doing the bare minimum, cutting corners or taking shortcuts then it isn't a gift to you - it's an additional workload the week after your weekend to yourself - and you won't be impressed. Maybe having had to do it all for a weekend by themselves without you there to help and felt the relentlessness of having no downtime, being glad to return to work Monday despite that just for a break from DC, maybe then they'd finally get how exhausted mums of littles can be and how sometimes there's no room in life for sex.

You're completely ignoring how wounded women get by men not taking on an equal share of the mental load, housework, childcare and life admin though. It breeds resentment and shows up as general unhappiness, tiredness and lack of desire to have sex with him. A PP has pointed out how her rare specimen of a DH started to focus on equality in the relationship once he realised how she felt, making sure she had time to herself and listening to how she felt etc - low and behold her sex drive returned. It's not rocket science. Instead of waiting for their wives to "return to normal" after birth, like a machine with a temporary glitch, they should focus on adapting themselves to the new normal that is life with DC, focus on equality instead of being selfish, pull their weight around the home and they'd find their wife's vagina is a lot less likely to clamp shut in annoyance at the sight of them!

Some sort of acknowledgement from a DH that whilst his genitals remain the same, his DW has recently pushed something the size of several melons out of hers and is bound to feel some kind of way about that, wouldn't go amiss either.

Thank you! Honestly, a lot of men need to grow the fuck up, by the sound of it!

Frankly, shame on the posters making excuses for men who even contemplate for a second cheating on the mothers of their young children! For shame. I mean, presumably most of these men want(ed) the children, and they certainly played an equal role in conceiving them, so they should be full of appreciation and respect for the woman who bears 100% of the physical and emotional toll of gestating, birthing and (usually) nurturing them. They need to develop some basic empathy, really. Where is the love?

I'd expect an adult man to understand that there are more important things in life than his pee-pee. And men have hands!

The title of this thread - I don't want to have sex - should be the beginning and the end of the discussion.

@ghostbusters I feel so sorry for your husband

My third dc is currently 20 months and we’ve not had sex since she’s been born. I’m permanently exhausted, I go to bed at least an hour before DP as she is still up 2/3/4 times a night to breastfeed.
Also breastfeeding is well known for dampening your libido so it’s completely normal.

It will come back! I’ve wanted it more as the breastfeeding has stopped and the kids start sleeping with the previous two so luckily DP is very understanding.

Why?

I also hasn’t had a period since the one before I found out I was pregnant I know bf can stop them but I’ve stopped breastfeeding so I’m assuming hormones are at play here too?

How old are you? Maybe you've gone straight from pregnant to menopause.

Yes hormones do affect sex drive.

When did you stop BF? It can take a while for body to get it's systems back up and running after pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

You said you recently stopped breastfeeding so I think your hormones are still adjusting. Breastfeeding outs your body into a low oestrogen state, similar to Menopause. It's associated with reduced libido. I'd say give it a few months and I think you'll be feeling differently.

I’m 27 in a month xx

a study I posted on here recently which found that 50% of a sample of young men admitted to having ever had sex with a woman they knew was unwilling,

Men are utter scum.

Why does no one ever feel sorry for the wives who men subject to sexual coercion?

I've reported this. Generalising a whole group of people based on a characteristic is not acceptable.

If you read that study and your first thought is NAMALT, you are part of the problem.

You said, and I quote "men are utter scum"

If you read that study, you'd understand why I said that.

Men are utter scum.

Surely only 50% of men according to your 'study'

DP as she is still up 2/3/4 times a night to breastfeed.

20 month old does not need night feeds!
Get your life back

The study (no scare quotes required) covered only young men. If you think that none of the 50% who claimed innocence weren't lying, you're on glue, and if you think that none of the 50% who claimed innocence won't go on to knowingly have sex with an unwilling woman, you're also on glue. Realistically, the number of men claiming their pensions who will have knowingly had sex with an unwilling woman at least once will be well over 50%.

I'm the same, @increasinglyconcerned

I'd happily not bother now but I go along with it reluctantly to keep the peace.

I note that you are talking about sex thru ur husbands lens not urs. You feel ‘repulsive’ ‘disgusting’ because ur body has changed. You’ve had children. The most incredible thing a human body can do. And you feel unloved, un cared for, disregarded and below worth.

That tells me this isn’t a sex issue it’s a relationship issue. How are you being treated? How were you treated thru pregnancy? And now as you recover from 2 pregnancies and move thru early motherhood you need to be held and supported. How’s that going? Is your OH doing that?

Sex and desire comes when ur needs are met and they clearly aren’t being right now.

Furthermore @MaidOfAle , if you wouldn't say "all insert ethnicity are scum " , yet you do say "men are scum" - it's you that's part of the problem. Imagine being a young boy and hearing that as your prophecy.

It's all very today's left wing. Can't generalise about any other group - but men it's fine. The NAMALT accusation is a lazy shut down.

If most males that commit crime are black (true statistic) , are you comfortable making a statement that "all .(....) men are scum " (I shuddered even writing that ) ? Funny how You're happy reducing whole groups to be the same. But I'm pretty confident it'll stop at 'men' (that's usually how the hard left work )

It is normal. Totally normal. Plenty of women have felt exactly how you feel

I agree with pp that you should ask for bloods. Not directly related to your sex drive, but deficiencies can have a massive impact on your health, MH and energy. In the past I've had a severe Vit D deficiency and now I'm anemic. I can't tell you how much getting help changed has how I feel day to day.

That’s not what I said, so don’t twist my words and make me out to be some sort of marital rape apologist. I didn’t say “when you really don’t want it”, I said “when you’re not that interested”.

Contrary to some of the strange beliefs on here, sex isn’t always swinging from the rafters, enthusiastic ground shaking stuff. Sometimes when you’re knackered with small (or big) children it’s just an itch that needs scratching. One of you initiates, the other would rather read their book or watch Netflix or finish the washing up but thinks “yeah alright”. That is not fucking rape. To suggest it is trivialises sexual assault.