I don’t want to have sex

[zaaaaara]

Is this normal? Bit of background, 26, 2 young kids (2y9mo and 7mo)

married to a man I love and I do find him attractive but I just don’t want to have sec. And it’s not him I don’t have desire really in general( sometimes short bursts but not enough for me to want to do the deed

I feel quite repulsed by myself and just don’t feel sexual. My body is so different and I don’t have any confidence I don’t like my new body and ironically it’s not that I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost weight after my kids I have no boobs because of breastfeeding and lost the ass I have and I’m kind of tall so jus look awful and ‘lanky’

im also exhausted which probably doesn’t help. Our youngest hasn’t been the best sleeper

is this normal? I haven’t had sex with my husband in a year and we got married this year. I just don’t want to someone gave me free time away from my kids (I.e my parents babysitting) I’d just want to nap or catch up on jobs as sad as that sounds😭

It's normal to be knackered and can't be bothered. It's not normal to feel repulsed by the mere idea. I would give in a couple of months post breastfeeding, let your hormones settle and if you still are feeling repulsed perhaps get professional advice, not an emergency by any stretch but it can be a psychological response to giving birth

Ew.

What is wrong with people?! What sort of shitty idiots have some people on this thread shacked up with? And others suggesting you have sex even if you don’t want to? Horrendous.

I felt the same when my children were small. It’s normal, don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. It does come back.

1. I didn't say "all". You did.
2. When 50% or more of a particular ethnicity are violating the bodies of women, your argument will hold water. Until then, you are comparing apples and oranges.
3. It's the political right who largely understand that men and women are different and men as a class pose a threat to women as a class. The left are busy putting men in charge of rape crisis centres so they can tell vulnerable rape victms to "reframe their trauma" about having been hurt by people with penises.
4. Men as a class all benefit from the violence of some men towards women. All of them, even the ones who find violence against women abhorrent. Explained here, because I don't fancy retyping.

However you try to "intellectify" it - you still stated "men are scum" so no, I didn't say you said it - you actually said it.

You can't see the harm in your statement. It's beliefs like this that set young boys up for low aspirations in life.

It's hypocrisy. If you wouldn't label any other group with a blanket judgement, why is it acceptable to do it to men ?

A lot of people on this thread are saying it's normal for them.

That's not my experience. We have sex a bit less often because we're tired, but I have not lost my sex drive since having a baby (now just over a year old). We still have sex at least a couple of times a week, and we have four kids aged 13 down to 1.

So I guess it varies widely.

It does seem that at least some of your problem is coming from your husband not pulling his weight with the kids.

Seems you and your husband need to look at those two problems together, as a team. It would be awful to just tolerate sex for his sake, when you could be enjoying it in an equal partnership.

Are you on any birth control? One of the main side effects I suffer with is no sex drive it's like it's been erased from my brain just no interest whatsoever.

@zaaaaara I think you need to work on being happy within yourself before forcing yourself to have sex that you are not comfortable having.
Sex is part of a healthy relationship and so if it’s been off of the table it would be good for year, you need to bring this up with your husband and see how he feels too?
It’s normal to feel exhausted after kids but I do think it’s something you need to work towards but you need to want to do it, if that makes sense?
I am a lot older than you but yes it’s a sad reality that when either the man or woman’s needs are not being met then there is a possibility of cheating, I’m not going to sugar coat that for you, as you’ve asked for advice / opinions. But key points are - establish a dialogue with your husband and get some time for yourself that doesn’t evolve around kids or chores.

It’s totally fine, normal, common, to have periods of time when sexuality goes dormant.

It’s normal to de prioritise sex when you have babies/ small children, broken sleep, lack of privacy.

The important part here is your self perception. You are grieving the loss of your pre pregnancy body, and haven’t gotten into a healthy connection of your post pregnancy body.

It’s a mysogynist culture that only values women’s bodies that haven’t been through changes, that look untouched by life.

Your body is still beautiful. This is all that matters at this point: regaining a sense of self acceptance and self love. Once you can own and inhabit your body with love, then you can see how your sexuality is doing.

It's beliefs like this that set young boys up for low aspirations in life.

No. It's the poor examples set by adult men and other boys that do that, including the failure of "good" men to challenge other men's poor behaviour. It's the First Rule of Misogyny to blame women for what men do, which you literally just did by blaming my beliefs for male behaviour, and the Twelfth Rule to claim that women are bad if we identity and name male patterns of behaviour.

"Men are scum" is a statement about male patterns of behaviour, how almost all men tolerate this behaviour from the "bad" men sooner than rock the boat by calling it out, and how all men, yes all, benefit from the chilling effect it has on women's participation in society.

Oh wow. You've lost the plot on this one - you'd make a good politician how you've twisted that around. You're effectively gaslighting me.

You can't really debate with someone such as yourself.

The original phrase which i wont repeat was originally said by SnowFrogJelly

No actual counter-arguments?

Err, when you've accused me of saying things I haven't said, and denying things you've actually said, no certainly not.

How is your relationship otherwise? Lack of sex is one thing but is there also a lack of affection and intimacy?

Do you still hug? Kiss? Touch each other affectionately? Are you nice to one another?

What I’m getting at is it just sex that’s lacking (entirely understandable in those early years of kids) or affection too?

Erm I’d say affection too tbh. Hes always been a bit non touchy feely but yeah since our 2nd we’ve kind of lost it a bit we don’t hug kiss much

Our 2nd child really^ since then we’ve been less affectionate but he says he loves me and does now and then try. I’m not too receptive

Have you both talked about this? It sounds like you’ve lost your relationship within the really tough parenting years.

Denying and clarifying aren't synonyms.

We’ve spoke briefly about it and it feels like we have. we are working toward it just hard as my youngest won’t go to anyone else she just wants me so we don’t get alone time to work on it

i was just more worried as my sex drive has went and my feeling towards sex are so different and different to my first post partum experience I was okay after my first baby

He's going to have to be patient. You can't leave a baby crying whilst you have a shag.