I don’t want to have sex

[zaaaaara]

Is this normal? Bit of background, 26, 2 young kids (2y9mo and 7mo)

married to a man I love and I do find him attractive but I just don’t want to have sec. And it’s not him I don’t have desire really in general( sometimes short bursts but not enough for me to want to do the deed

I feel quite repulsed by myself and just don’t feel sexual. My body is so different and I don’t have any confidence I don’t like my new body and ironically it’s not that I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost weight after my kids I have no boobs because of breastfeeding and lost the ass I have and I’m kind of tall so jus look awful and ‘lanky’

im also exhausted which probably doesn’t help. Our youngest hasn’t been the best sleeper

is this normal? I haven’t had sex with my husband in a year and we got married this year. I just don’t want to someone gave me free time away from my kids (I.e my parents babysitting) I’d just want to nap or catch up on jobs as sad as that sounds😭

Regarding my husband pulling his weight I’ll be honest. He could pull more

its been such an issue since our second. I’ve noticed with our first I did everything as it’s easy when it’s 1-1 but with 2 I’m so outnumbered and noticing how much more I do

he made comments a while ago how I’m on maternity leave and he’s the provider (which I’m very grateful for) but it was still hard trying to keep on top of everything and while I had 0 sex drive then that comment wasn’t exactly going to build it

i mean pre kids if you’d told me we hadn’t had sex in a year I would’ve passed out with shock but we’ve had a tough year with our youngest it’s tested our relationship and it’s completely shifted me even more. I thought as I’m already a mum I’d just adjust but it’s just changed me all over again and been such a shift

It is absolutely normal and anyone who says he may stray as a result needs to look at their thinking.

A decent bloke is capable of thinking “the kids don’t sleep, my wife is knackered, I’ll get by on wanking for a bit” rather than “I’m entitled to sex, time to look elsewhere”.

He’s mentioned it not in a pressuring way we have spoke about it at surface I haven’t went into my feelings about myself

he gets it he does say he wants to but doesn’t want to force me or make me uncomfortable so he has been great I don’t see him straying in any sense tbh. very open with his phone/passwords wouldn’t blink an eye if I picked his phone up and looked at it. Works from home has 1 office day so I see him a lot and Of course see him on the weekend

No that's what one poster is pressuring you into feeling.

It is normal for some people to go off sex for a while after having DC. Exhaustion is a libido killer. Your partner should be patient.

He should also ensure he's pulling his weight at home. First because a shared childcare load means less exhaustion for one person and second because if he doesn't, you'll start resenting him for being fine while you're knackered and also extra resentment for him wanting sex when you're already a) knackered and b) resentful of him slacking off.

You need to be an equal amount of knackered together, a team without resentments. Keep the affection going so you both know each other still cares and so you don't get into that trap where you can't get or show affection, because he thinks it'll always lead to sex and you don't want that yet.

Yes because OP is his personal wank robot with no feelings whatsoever.

My own experience is that kids coming along meant we hardly got any. When it happens it's always brilliant but we both agree it could be more frequent. As they get older, you aren't as tired but you can't find the opportunity it seems. If we didn't get on and shared house work resentment would build leading to the fanny clamp shut effect. Now I'm facing problems with menopause where I have no urge and I'm uncomfortable down there. Still, I really fancy DH and try to do what I can to be intimate with him. Navigating work and chores, child rearing when you don't have family to sit or a babysitter. It can be quite tough on your sex life.

I don't know if it's normal but it's the same for me. 2.5 years since I had a baby and no desire to have sex. Had it twice in that time, last time over a year ago. My partner doesn't seem to mind tbh - think he is feeling the exhaustion of everyday life. We both work full time and are very busy/tired. We are still the same in every other aspect so I'm not worried atm. Though I'd like a sex drive back one day!

I was where you were and one night I thought ‘I should just give this a shot’ as my DH had been so understanding but I did worry about it all. Anyway, I did and it was great and now I’m back into it. Not often, but I’m interested. I felt like I’d never want sex again and it got to the stage where I was frightened of even the thought of it, but actually my interest has returned, just lesser than before. You will get there, it’s just so hard in the first years and you’re so exhausted and sex is just the last thing on your mind. But things get easier you get a little of you back and that’s when you start to feel like you might be up for it again.

Can I just say OP - thanks for making this post. If I had made it when I was in this place it would have been so reassuring to see so many others feeling the same way

Honestly I think Mumsnet gives a really skewed opinion on sex within a long relationship.

It's totally normal to not want sex with two tiny children. It's the last thing on your mind.

I think it's also normal to have sex far less frequently when you've been together a long time and have responsibilities. But everyone on Mumsnet seems to be having it 5 times per week every week 😮and goes on about how much of an essential it is. Where most married couples I know admit it's a bit of a chore and infrequent! (Probably more so the wives ,granted )

Just do it when you're ready. Pressure won't help you get in the mood. Give yourself a break. I'm sure he won't be jumping on the next available vulva just because you've had a dry spell due to having little ones ! (Men aren't quite as shallow as a collective as Mumsnet would have you believe) Most of them just disappear a little too long in the bathroom "to have a poo" 😉

If it makes you feel any better, we didn't have sex for about 2 years after my first was born (very little sex during pregnancy too). I got pregnant that 1 time! It was planned but hadn't expected to get pregnant on the first go as we had trouble with #1. Then no sex again until #2 was about 6 months old. Again, no sex during pregnancy.
I felt zero pressure to have sex ever. DH is 100% a gent. He was very hands on when the kids were little (and still is now) and got it that I was 'touched out' at the end of the day and just wanted to sleep.

I can't believe people on here are essentially advising the OP to lie back and think of England! There's a word for having sex with a woman who is unwilling...

I have a nearly 11 month old and still haven't had sex. Baby is up all the bloody time though and is also shit at naps. She's never slept more than 3 hrs in a row and often pings awake after 20 mins. We're also doing up our house and I'm back at work. Just have zero energy and interest right now. I also have an older child and I think it was maybe 9 ish months after I had her that I had any desire. We also had 6 1/2 years of ttc sex so that took any joy away! We're just assuming when our baby actually learns to sleep it will come back. I'm still breastfeeding and feel touched out.

Bollocks. There’s a huge difference between consenting sex that you’re not that interested in and rape.

It's super normal. Do not give yourself a hard time! Your youngest is still just a baby and the breastfeeding hormones can really put the kibosh on your libido (natures contraception !). Give it some more time for your body to settle.

What really, really worked for us was to focus on intimacy not sex. So we would have showers together and really make an effort to give non-sexual affection. That really starts to open the gateways towards sex again.

a barrier I don’t know how to overcome is my body

i I don’t want him seeing it. I look awful I keep covering up as I’m scared it’ll repulse him like it does me

I think it's more normal and common than people realise to feel this way.

After my 2nd baby I totally lost interest in sex. I felt shit about my body and was so exhausted I couldn't face anyone else touching me after a day with both kids.
We felt disconnected with each other and were like ships in the night with our work patterns.

We got back on track by just doing stuff to connect with each other again- not with any pressure to be having sex, just to spend time together. I would suggest a date night in the house once the kids went to bed- either a nice takeaway or I'd cook something that the kids wouldn't eat. Or we'd plan to watch a film and just cuddle on the sofa. Even do something like playing cards or board games or anything you fancy.

Don't worry about the sex for now, the more time you spend together breaking the monotony of the day to day and prioritising quality time, the more you are likely to want to eventually. I did decide to give it a go after a year of no sex and I actually really enjoyed it. And have no pressure on anything either- if one of the kids wake up then that's ok and you can try again another night when they are in bed.

Is this something you can talk to him about?

Talk to him about your feelings towards your body and if it does come to getting intimate then keep the lights off if it makes you feel more secure. As it sounds like he's a supportive partner, I'm sure he won't be bothered about your body- it's grown and birthed his 2 children so he should celebrate it for what it is.

Have you had all your vitamin levels checked?
I know this will sound awful but, I'd imagine if a man wasn't getting it at home, it wouldn't be king before he got it elsewhere?

I could be wrong 😑

I’m very self-conscious about my body, always have been, hate being naked and won’t let him see me fully naked / share a shower etc. the first time you get back into things just keep clothes on, and then underwear on, nightdress, whatever makes you feel comfortable. I had x2 small ones too and haven’t felt keen on sex for years, it’s coming back (a little bit) but it’s hard to get back in the habit and I don’t feel sexy

Sorry could you elaborate what do you
mean - is low/no sex drive a sign of vitamin deficiency x

From what I've read on here almost everybody says it's normal. I have definitely experienced the same. Lack of sleep is the worst. Breastfeeding was so tiring. Having two at that age cannot be easy.

You keep focusing on it being a year since the last time, but practically until 7 months ago you were pregnant, 6 weeks pp you were definitely not recovered enough, so only just now you are starting to get back your normal energy levels.

As pp-s, I'm pretty sure I also had about two years after child birth before I was ready to think about sex again. Honestly, it's fine. Single people can last as long. It's not such a big deal. We have other needs which sometimes get priority. Like rest! And you can keep the bond with your partner strong by doing other things together.

Your body has done an amazing job. It doesn't need to be anything more - it's perfect and good enough the way it is. May be try some love and compassion (towards yourself) meditations. Plenty of good apps.