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Friend's behaviour has annoyed me. I want to tell him it has because I want to be congruent, but I don't know how, what would you do?

81 replies

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:26

Background is I live a single lifestyle, no children and am an only child. I didn't want this life, I wanted a marriage etc but it just hasn't worked out. This may bear some relevance to the importance of friendships and this situation.

I've been friends with a man for about 8 years now. It started when I first moved to a new village, and took to taking my dog and a book and sitting in a local pub beer garden in the summer. I was just looking to make some connections and he's someone who came and spoke to me. Since then we've met up a couple of times a week for a drink or dinner/walks. He's married, I'm gay, totally platonic. We share a hobby too so chat about that a lot.

He comes to my house for a few beers almost every weekend. This is not reciprocal because he lives with his wife and children, keeps us separate.

Of the hobby, I was lucky enough to acquire some supplies for it free, recently. He asked if he could buy half off me-I said yes. He came around, gave me the money and then he proceeded to try to take more than half, thought I'd not notice. I did and took some of what he'd taken out of his carrier bag and put them back, so it was fair for what he'd paid me. That was number one irritating thing.

The other is, although I am more than happy to provide him with alcoholic drinks when he comes to my house, I feel that was it the other way around, I would buy him a drink now and again. He knows that although I am lucky enough to not be struggling, I have far less income than him, and he has a dual income household. He's been getting free beer from me for at least 3 years now, and it isn't as if it is equal because I don't go to his house ever. I just find it a bit cheeky.

And then, we went for a drink recently and decided to go to a different pub. My other friend came with us but he took a taxi as he can't walk far (disability) and me and the friend in question walked. When we got there, other friend had bought us a round. Friend in question ran out of his drink first, and just bought his own. I of course bought other friend a drink back.

The icing on the cake for me was, I was looking at houses in the area on Rightmove, on my phone recently. I pointed at one I liked and said friend commented 'Oh god, I could buy that in cash right now'.

This was a 'grrr' moment for me.

A couple of people in my local have picked up that there's a bit of an atmosphere between me and him now. I also note that none of them really like him. The landlord hates him! I don't suppose that is much relevant, I have always really liked him. We've been there for one another, I cried on him not so long ago about the state of my life, you know, he's nice to me! We text though the week sharing daft jokes/rants about work, we get on well- I have just found myself feeling very rubbed up the wrong way by this recent series of events and realisations.

Others have picked up on the fact that I am quite annoyed with him and they might say something. They don't know in full detail but I have told them bits and bats when pressed. Again not really relevant but I feel like I should say something to him about how he's annoyed me. Or I could just gradually phase out our meetups and get togethers, maybe tell him I am not going out for a while/trying to save money or whatever and I can do the hobby by myself, maybe we'll drift.

What do you think? Am I overreacting or being stroppy?

OP posts:
nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:31

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NoShirtNoShoesNoSheldon · 10/09/2024 15:32

When he started coming over and expecting free beer each week I’d have said “you bring the beers when you come next week, we’ll take turns”. I can see why you are annoyed but you’ve let him carry on this way. Some people are CF, some are just oblivious, but unless anyone says anything to them, how will they know it’s not acceptable?

Your friend is obviously tight, but it’s still not too late to say something. cutting him out of your life completely, when you obviously value him as a friend, is quite drastic.

nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:32

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Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:33

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You mean relationships? I am seeing someone but she's cooled off from wanting a 'real' relationship with me recently. He knows her, she joins us on activities and they get on well. I have a decent enough job, and other friends. Sorry if I have taken your post the wrong way?

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:35

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If he didn't come to mine, he'd just be at the pub or at other friend's houses. He doesn't particularly enjoy his marriage, I think they're just together for the children. He's 12 years older than me.

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nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:37

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TeenageSwans · 10/09/2024 15:37

The way you write about this is slightly strange - what was 'wanting to be congruent' to do with any of it? Do you have many other people in your life? Why has his meanness come to a head for you just now, eight years on?

Haven't you ever had any form of disagreement in eight years?

Also, you say twice that 'other people' have grasped you're annoyed with him:

Others have picked up on the fact that I am quite annoyed with him and they might say something

A couple of people in my local have picked up that there's a bit of an atmosphere between me and him now. I also note that none of them really like him. The landlord hates him!

Why do these people know? Are you sitting around in the pub slagging him off or something?

nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:38

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nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:38

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KerryBlues · 10/09/2024 15:40

You’ve said you live a single lifestyle yet claim to be in a relationship, op?
Which is it, and where has your partner been for the past eight years when you were entertaining this weirdo?

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:41

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It's only come about in the last few weeks, apart from my realisation that he doesn't ever buy me a drink back, is just happy to sup my beer/hang out at my house but it isn't equal. I think maybe yes, as others have said that's a bit unfair of me as it is the status quo now and I've not said anything to him as I was happy about it. I think, when coupled with the other situations, I thought about that too. It was a 'hmm, hang on' moment. In fact, I thought about it only because landlord of local said something to me! But the other occurences are very recent. I've always been happy with our friendship and really enjoyed his company until a now. Sad

OP posts:
AzureSheep · 10/09/2024 15:42

Have you ever met his wife, in the 8 years you’ve been friends? He’s definitely being a tightarse, so I think you’ve every right to tell him he’s taking advantage of the situation.

It sounds like you’ve got quite a small circle if you’re all doing the same activities, bumping into each other in the pub, everyone knows each other. Is it maybe time to branch out a bit and see if you can meet some new people / do a different activity? That might help you distance yourself a bit from this guy.

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:43

KerryBlues · 10/09/2024 15:40

You’ve said you live a single lifestyle yet claim to be in a relationship, op?
Which is it, and where has your partner been for the past eight years when you were entertaining this weirdo?

We've been seeing one another every few weeks for about 4 years. She was due to move in with me then said recently she'd totally changed her mind and can't. I can't move to her area so that's another thing I need to think about Sadwe'll probably end soon. 3 hours apart distance-wise and don't see one another often hence single lifestyle (of course I don't mean 'lifestyle' as in I have sex with others, I don't! Just that I am mostly alone/not with anyone in terms of living alone, doing things without her etc).

OP posts:
nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:46

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nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:47

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Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:48

TeenageSwans · 10/09/2024 15:37

The way you write about this is slightly strange - what was 'wanting to be congruent' to do with any of it? Do you have many other people in your life? Why has his meanness come to a head for you just now, eight years on?

Haven't you ever had any form of disagreement in eight years?

Also, you say twice that 'other people' have grasped you're annoyed with him:

Others have picked up on the fact that I am quite annoyed with him and they might say something

A couple of people in my local have picked up that there's a bit of an atmosphere between me and him now. I also note that none of them really like him. The landlord hates him!

Why do these people know? Are you sitting around in the pub slagging him off or something?

Congruence because I feel I am not being genuine, being annoyed with him and I haven't told him. Usually I would say something in that situation but this one is difficult for me.

I haven't 'sat around slagging him off'. Landlord said he'd noticed he never buys me a drink and thinks he should, as he knows he's often at my house. Landlord has said this to others as landlord does make it clear he doesn't like him.

We've never had a disagreement at all! Ever.

They've noticed we've not talked as much in the pub recently and asked me about it. Other friend mentioned that he's bought drinks for him before, and he never buys one back and I said 'yes I noticed that the other week, it annoyed me!' but other than that. I didn't think that is 'slagging him off' as such, just confirming what he said. But I feel bad about it!

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:49

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What do you mean, sorry? We go to the local pub together. Mutual friends. We use the same hobby group.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:49

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No, not quite that old and not retired.

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nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:49

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nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:50

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Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:51

AzureSheep · 10/09/2024 15:42

Have you ever met his wife, in the 8 years you’ve been friends? He’s definitely being a tightarse, so I think you’ve every right to tell him he’s taking advantage of the situation.

It sounds like you’ve got quite a small circle if you’re all doing the same activities, bumping into each other in the pub, everyone knows each other. Is it maybe time to branch out a bit and see if you can meet some new people / do a different activity? That might help you distance yourself a bit from this guy.

No I haven't ever met her.

Yes, village life I guess!
I used to live somewhere else, for twenty years. I was there last weekend seeing two different groups of friends. Went to an event on Sunday and stayed at (other) friend's house on Saturday and visited a third friend before going home. I am visiting another friend in another town soon. I do have other friends.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:52

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Oh sorry, I meant previous posters.

OP posts:
KerryBlues · 10/09/2024 15:52

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:48

Congruence because I feel I am not being genuine, being annoyed with him and I haven't told him. Usually I would say something in that situation but this one is difficult for me.

I haven't 'sat around slagging him off'. Landlord said he'd noticed he never buys me a drink and thinks he should, as he knows he's often at my house. Landlord has said this to others as landlord does make it clear he doesn't like him.

We've never had a disagreement at all! Ever.

They've noticed we've not talked as much in the pub recently and asked me about it. Other friend mentioned that he's bought drinks for him before, and he never buys one back and I said 'yes I noticed that the other week, it annoyed me!' but other than that. I didn't think that is 'slagging him off' as such, just confirming what he said. But I feel bad about it!

It appears everyone around you (you must live in a tiny village) can see he’s just leeching off you.

nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:52

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nailclipper · 10/09/2024 15:53

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