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Friend's behaviour has annoyed me. I want to tell him it has because I want to be congruent, but I don't know how, what would you do?

81 replies

Pistachiovillian · 10/09/2024 15:26

Background is I live a single lifestyle, no children and am an only child. I didn't want this life, I wanted a marriage etc but it just hasn't worked out. This may bear some relevance to the importance of friendships and this situation.

I've been friends with a man for about 8 years now. It started when I first moved to a new village, and took to taking my dog and a book and sitting in a local pub beer garden in the summer. I was just looking to make some connections and he's someone who came and spoke to me. Since then we've met up a couple of times a week for a drink or dinner/walks. He's married, I'm gay, totally platonic. We share a hobby too so chat about that a lot.

He comes to my house for a few beers almost every weekend. This is not reciprocal because he lives with his wife and children, keeps us separate.

Of the hobby, I was lucky enough to acquire some supplies for it free, recently. He asked if he could buy half off me-I said yes. He came around, gave me the money and then he proceeded to try to take more than half, thought I'd not notice. I did and took some of what he'd taken out of his carrier bag and put them back, so it was fair for what he'd paid me. That was number one irritating thing.

The other is, although I am more than happy to provide him with alcoholic drinks when he comes to my house, I feel that was it the other way around, I would buy him a drink now and again. He knows that although I am lucky enough to not be struggling, I have far less income than him, and he has a dual income household. He's been getting free beer from me for at least 3 years now, and it isn't as if it is equal because I don't go to his house ever. I just find it a bit cheeky.

And then, we went for a drink recently and decided to go to a different pub. My other friend came with us but he took a taxi as he can't walk far (disability) and me and the friend in question walked. When we got there, other friend had bought us a round. Friend in question ran out of his drink first, and just bought his own. I of course bought other friend a drink back.

The icing on the cake for me was, I was looking at houses in the area on Rightmove, on my phone recently. I pointed at one I liked and said friend commented 'Oh god, I could buy that in cash right now'.

This was a 'grrr' moment for me.

A couple of people in my local have picked up that there's a bit of an atmosphere between me and him now. I also note that none of them really like him. The landlord hates him! I don't suppose that is much relevant, I have always really liked him. We've been there for one another, I cried on him not so long ago about the state of my life, you know, he's nice to me! We text though the week sharing daft jokes/rants about work, we get on well- I have just found myself feeling very rubbed up the wrong way by this recent series of events and realisations.

Others have picked up on the fact that I am quite annoyed with him and they might say something. They don't know in full detail but I have told them bits and bats when pressed. Again not really relevant but I feel like I should say something to him about how he's annoyed me. Or I could just gradually phase out our meetups and get togethers, maybe tell him I am not going out for a while/trying to save money or whatever and I can do the hobby by myself, maybe we'll drift.

What do you think? Am I overreacting or being stroppy?

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 11/09/2024 09:29

LLCoolMay · 10/09/2024 17:16

@Pistachiovillian

Seems a few things to unpick here?

You seem a bit lonely (which is not uncommon and lots of chat on MN about it which I'm glad of).

As a single woman, are you actually in the best possible environment for you socially?

Do you have to be in a small village? I'm sure it's great in some ways but is there genuinely enough emotional and community support for you?

If you're the kind of person who is ok going to pubs solo then I imagine you're independent content in your own company, which is great, but also perhaps you do need a bit "more".

(I'm not white and single. I love country views and am introverted BUT know I get a bit needy and desperate when I don't have enough contact.

So city life it is!

I like that when I wanted to pep my social life up there were about 15 social things available and I can/could fill my calender up with with a mix of people and activities.

Obviously city life has many weirdos and shit behaviour too, but you don't really feel a "scarcity mindset" with people as there's always new faces.

"I don't like that person oh ok I'll just have to go see free world class art that day instead").

I think maybe loneliness why you've let this interaction continue a bit too long? People don't change.

I don't think you can get CF friend to start being decent, he knows what he's doing. If you became broke or ill, would he turn up to help out with a bag or groceries?

He is clearly a "user" personality which you've sensibly picked up on (I'd just drop him or grey rock him asap) but also finding someone available for a regular 1-1 chat every weekend is hard!

It's not sexual it may just be that he's the only one actually THERE for you.

So I'd say you need to find more community, or come up with ways to build up your social life more. Or practice self-care at home and not mind emotionally if you have a quiet weekend solo.

I also have observed that "too much availability" is often a red flag for new friends.

Cool people are there but mainly on an ad-hoc basis (especially as a single female).

If someone is immediately available all the time, often it means the person is odd or a user or doesn't have my best interests at heart.

Thank you for this lengthy response.

I don't actually feel lonely. I used to! But more so due to my relationship. I wanted a 'proper' one and I've ended up feeling rather 'strang along' as she always said she'd move here, kept putting it off, and we've had other issues too and then finally, recently she admitted that she just 'can't' move here.

I am friendly with people at my hobby, Mum lives around the corner, I go on minibreaks, trips back to see my old friends in my old city. I like living alone-again I USED to not, I used to feel lonely because I'd see my friends in relationships and wonder why I was 'on the shelf', why 'DP' wasn't here with me. I am beginning to see the light now, but I have also got more used to it-I even quite like it.

I have no qualms going anywhere alone but then I never have. I've gone to pubs etc alone since I was a student. I like to be in control of what I do if that makes sense? I have some people in the pub here, that I love to spend time with but I also know that if I don't fancy going to the pub, it doesn't matter-whereas if I was going 'with' someone I'd sort of have to meet them?

So yes I am quite independent, some of it is very natural for me, some of it (due to the situation with DP) has been a case of that I have to, I'd have much preferred a live-in relationship.

I know what you mean about the city life. I used to live in a city-from being 19 until my thirties. It's irrelevant/complicated but I first moved here with my ex in 2016, then she left, and after a year or so I moved back to the city, then I saved up, bought a house and now I live here permanently. I met the friend I refer to in this thread, in 2016 when I moved here initially, but I've lived here permanently for 4 years and the set up me and friend have now, has been the case since then.

It has only been very recently, that I have questioned his behaviours after a 'series of unfortunate events' so to speak. I didn't feel I'd 'let it go on so long' because of that-I didn't have any qualms about it before.

I am not sure about the groceries, however he has been there for me and once, when I'd not been out and about for a few weeks after becoming quite down due to me and DP, he did get in touch with concerns (as did some others from the pub and hobby).

I agree about the 'too much availability'. I think I am always the first one he messages if he fancies doing something, but I am not always available, I am sometimes away/busy. I do like my quiet weekends alone and I have another hobby I do (that he isn't part of) too on those weekends. I have a dog I go running with, DP is here some weekends, I also have friends I video call a lot for chats/support/a glass of wine with. I am okay.

I don't think I'd like to move back to the city now. I like being close to my Mum who isn't any younger these days. I just have about an hour and a half's drive of a weekend if I want to see other friends.
I do appreciate your concern-it has made me look at if I am ACTUALLY lonely, and have just become used to it?!

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 11/09/2024 09:30

Dotto · 10/09/2024 17:17

Why haven't you told him to pay his way then?

He doesn't sponge off me in the pub, I just felt maybe he should buy me a drink now and again or bring his own beers, rather than always drinking mine-it would be different if I also went to his and drank his, but I don't.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 11/09/2024 09:31

Lemonadeand · 10/09/2024 17:30

Outrageous to accept a free drink from someone in the form of a round and then just get yourself a drink next time. He’s got away with scrounging behaviour for far too long. If you really care about the friendship though I would give him another chance but make it clear he’s buying and see what happens.

I found that outrageous too! I know It's only a few £, and the other friend is very wealthy, but I'd never, ever do that!

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 11/09/2024 09:33

StaunchMomma · 10/09/2024 17:53

Good friends call out each other's bullshit.

Stop buying beers. Stop shielding him from buying rounds - when he goes to the bar, say 'I'll have a....'. When he says things like 'I could buy that with cash tomorrow' reply with 'No wonder you've got loads of money - you never buy a round!'

You do need to have a conversation, I think. It doesn't have to be deep, it just has to be honest. He's been pissing you off with his free loading. End of. He can either recognise it, apologise and change or dig his heals in. Either way - it's his problem and you don't have to stick around for it.

If others are noticing, I'd get it done sooner rather than later.

Thank you. Yes, it isn't ME who suffered when he didn't buy a round that time, me and him always just buy our own drinks anyway, we don't drink the same thing, I sometimes am driving, and I drink wine and drink slower than him and my drink is a lot more expensive so it wouldn't work. I just felt that maybe he should think 'Hmm I should buy pistachio a drink, she's always supplying mine when I am at hers!' now and again!

I don't think I'll mention the hobby thing. I think I will mention that the comment about how much money he has while also knowing my situation is much less 'well off' than his, and having always used my drinks, that I am a bit annoyed.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 11/09/2024 09:34

bluegreygreen · 10/09/2024 18:01

I have never been to their house, other than occasionally giving him a life home after pub/hobby and according to him she doesn't go out/do the hobby we do. He has confided in me a lot about the issues in his marriage, I share a lot about my life with him too. I felt/feel close to him

On a different thread, this would be called an emotional affair.

I'm not suggesting that is your intent, OP, but it doesn't sound the sort of situation his wife is likely to be very happy with.

From what he has said (I know, I know) I really don't think she cares. I didn't mention it in the thread but he has an adult child (at uni) who knows about me and also hangs around with us sometimes. Wife has probably been told I'm gay and that friend also knows my DP. They seem to have very separate lives other than holidays etc.

OP posts:
Pistachiovillian · 11/09/2024 09:36

LLCoolMay · 10/09/2024 18:20

I don't actually think wife cares.

Suspect she's probably disinterested and glad he's out of the house and she isn't the one stuck paying for his weekend beer.

They're both enjoying the benefits and security of a dual-income household and saving up nice six figure sums.

They may be on early retirement abroad with houses bought for children, when OP is still working.

With friendships, as much as I love the idea of camaraderie (I'd love to just go down to a pub and have that natural social contact) often the dice are loaded if you're not perfectly aligned or your face doesn't fit for some reason.

Many think in a financial, structural and transactional manner, even if you think the friendship/connection is emotional.

Solo women, newcomer, widow, minority, lonely, divorced...I'd say watch your back more! Lot of exploitative people, even if you're intelligent and confident.

It shouldn't be that way but it is what it is. Anyone you meet as an adult trying to be your new close friend/family replacement may have issues.

Thank you for this perspective. It's interesting and I will ponder on it. I get that I am 'vulnerable' to this in some ways.
I do have other friends in the pub. Landlord has his 'guy friends' in a lot and they always insist on walking me home (I never ask, my responsibility if I go out alone) if It's dark.

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